Mike Holmgren is not what you’d call a patient man. In a recent interview, he revealed that he thinks Cleveland Browns head coach Eric Mangini should be preparing his team for the playoffs right now. Instead his head coach is watching players prepare for the first game of the regular season. “I’m very bitter,” said Holmgren who was named club president last winter. “This whole experience has been an eye-opener for me and I don’t know if I want to deal with it anymore. Call me crazy, but I thought we’d at least be playing in the AFC Championship game by now.” Someone clearly forgot to tell Mike that time in Cleveland is measured in dawg years. He remains upset at the fact that he felt obligated to come out of retirement to resurrect yet another struggling NFL franchise. He also maintains that the current team is Super Bowl bound, and he’d like that to happen sooner rather than later. “Owners of other teams have already approached me and asked if I wanted to join their staffs,” he said. “But I’ve told them I still have some work to do here. Namely, winning a Super Bowl. I’d like to do that by October of this year at the very latest. My first order of business is to figure out whose ass I’m gonna beat first, because we should be there by now. I’m leaning toward Eric, but I don’t like the way that Brian Daboll kid looks at me either. It’s gonna be a tough call.”

The Cleveland Browns announced today that they will be installing new vending machines throughout the stadium, in an effort to reduce long lines at concession stands during games. The new machines are also part of a city-wide effort to combat fan sobriety and increase revenue. The new machines will feature 20 ounce bottles of the strongest booze money can buy, such as Maker’s Mark, Jack Daniel’s, and Everclear. The tasty adult beverages that the machines stock will act as a preemptive move by the Browns to keep depressed fans from tearing the stadium apart in the search of alcohol to ease their pain. “We’ll have all the major brands – anything we’re legally allowed to sell. Just down a couple of these bad boys, and you won’t be able to feel your feet, let alone the pain of a 36-point loss to Baltimore,” said Todd Argust, Director of Stadium Operations. “I’m looking forward to providing this amazing service to the fans of the Cleveland Browns.” The machines will be located on the main concourse throughout the stadium, and the bottles will sell for about $46 each – a small price to pay to feel good about life again.

Another Cleveland Browns season is just around the corner, and with it comes more off the field drama. This morning Jim Brown informed brownieman.net that he will not participate in their 2010 Ring of Honor, which will be featured on the website later this year. In a letter delivered Monday to the Associated Press, Jim Brown states that while he had no formal contract with brownieman.net, he believes that, if his name or image are used on the site, he is entitled to a six-figure salary, royalties, free food, and no boss to answer to. Mr. Brown disclosed that Brownie Man offered him a salary of “jack sh*t” for an opportunity to serve as the butt of the site’s jokes for “the foreseeable future” due, in part, to his complete lack of class and/or character. Brown turned down the position in a subsequent letter to Brownie Man. The letter concluded: “I’ve never danced in the end zone, I always gave the ball to the referee, so you should know I don’t dance. And I don’t hang out on the Westside of town. I’m an Eastside guy. I play my golf at Highland Golf Course. I don’t have any trophies in my home on display and I do not need validation from any man, so I will not participate in your Ring of Honor.” Brownie Man responded through a spokesman. “Jim is acting like a complete assbag and I have no idea what he is even talking about. We all know the guy hasn’t been physically able to swing a golf club in twenty years. Be part of our Ring of Honor or don’t….I really don’t care.”

Is your life a depressing exercise in futility? Do you find that you only laugh in your dreams or while using the men’s room? Well, relax my friends because Brownie Man is coming back for another season of misery…..I mean, excitement. The Brown Knight is working on new content for the site, and should be posting regularly again soon. So dry your eyes, put down that bottle of Wild Turkey, and get yourself cleaned up…..because Brownieman Cometh…..SOON!

Brownie Man began dreaming of the NFL when he was in eighth grade. At the time, he was a mere brownie bite. But even then, he had a plan. He would catch touchdown passes, maybe even win a Super Bowl. So excuse the All-American if he’s not deliriously happy over the three-day draft, which begins tonight in New York. Playing in the NFL is just part of his plan. Draft experts are split on where the Brown Knight, a 6-foot-2, 205-pound wide receiver, will go in the draft. But nearly everybody agrees that he’ll be off the board in the first round. He has visited 10 teams over the past few weeks but has said that his heart is in Cleveland. “I’d like the Brownies to pick me up at #7. Really, it is the only logical choice, because I’m not wearing any other jersey or helmet. So, St. Louis can select me #1 overall, but I’ll look pretty stupid running around that dome of theirs in my Browns gear.” The Brown Knight’s agent, Drew Rosenhaus, has guaranteed the caped crusader will be taken in the first round. It’s a main reason why Brownie Man opted to bypass his senior season for a shot at the pros. He will learn his fate within a matter of hours.

Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger read a short statement from the locker room at the team’s facility today, in order to address Roger Goodell’s decision to suspend him for six games. Here is the statement in its entirety: “As most of you know, I have made some bad decisions in the last couple of years. I don’t intend to discuss the details, but suffice it to say, my uh….transgressions make Tiger Woods look like Saint Eldrick of Orlando. I am truly sorry for the negative attention I have caused my family and my team. It’s just that….well, the music was loud at the club….and I thought ‘no’ meant ‘sure, do whatever you want’…and really this is just a huge misunderstanding. As was the previous incident in Nevada. Anyway, I am truly sorry. But I think the fans need to keep this in perspective. I may be a rapist….but at least I didn’t kill no dogs. Thank you.” After reading the statement, Roethlisberger turned and walked away. Many NFL experts expect him to be traded within the hour.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell says he has finally decided how he will punish Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger for his recent off-field troubles.”The personal conduct of every NFL player is very important to me,” Goodell said Tuesday afternoon. “So I have decided to suspend Ben for the first four regular season games, and force him to legally change his last name to ‘Date Rapist’ as sort of a scarlet letter to warn others that this kind of behavior will not be tolerated.” Goodell and Roethlisberger met for several hours on Tuesday to discuss the commissioner’s decision. Last week Roethlisberger learned he would not be charged for the alleged sexual assault of a Georgia college student, and while he faces no criminal charges, everyone and their brother knows he’s guilty as shit. Roethlisberger is also involved in a Nevada civil suit that alleges he sexually assaulted a hotel employee there over a year ago. The man simply does not understand the meaning of the words, “Ew, no! You gross me out! Stay the f*ck away from me!” Pittsburgh Steelers President, Art Rooney II, is very angry about the quarterback’s repeated problems, but he told the Associated Press that he hopes the name change will boost jersey sales, as it did in Cincinnati when Chad Johnson changed his last name to Ochocinco. Chad’s jersey change, however, was voluntary.