Lord Vader Takes Over Offense
February 8th, 2010
According to the Associated Press, Darth Vader has been named the new Offensive Coordinator of the Cleveland Browns. Vader comes to NFL after spending the last thirty three years as the central antagonist in the Star Wars trilogy. During that time, he was a dark, foreboding, and ruthless figure, and one of the pivotal rulers of the Galactic Empire. In 1977, he mercilessly attempted to destroy the Rebel Alliance, which had waged a long and desperate war to free the galaxy from his evil clutches. Although he has no direct experience coaching an NFL team, his brings instant credibility to Cleveland because of his expertise in full-scale, aggressive assaults – something the Browns’ offense has lacked since the late 1980’s. Before joining the dark side, Lord Vader spent much of his time as a Jedi Knight and was later a decorated hero in the Clone Wars. This is just the latest in front office changes for the Browns. Club President Mike Holmgren said that he is pleased to have Vader joining his staff and that he will be “very involved in our attempt to take over the AFC North Division”.
Last week Brownie Man asked the readers of this site to prove they were die-hard Browns fans by sending in their pictures and telling him why they think they should be awarded a special surprise gift. Some people wrote poems; some showed off their Browns tattoos; and some even stooped so low as to try bribe the Brown Knight. After a week of semi-disturbing emails and hours of well needed therapy, Brownie Man has decided that the winner is Gus Angelone, a.k.a. PUMPKINHEAD! Take one look at him and you can see why. Gus can’t get enough of the Cleveland Browns! The man clearly had to rob a bank or spend his children’s college funds to afford his killer costume. He has taken it one step further by purchasing an RV that is covered in orange and brown – complete with a picture of his alter ego. This puts him among the ranks of some of the most famous (and infamous) Browns fans in the world. 
But his getup and his vehicle are not the only thing that got him to the Promised Land. It was the following quote from his submission last week, “My wife is so embarrassed when I put on my outfit, she says I’m an attention whore.” This is something that Brownie Man can relate to, as some people have questioned the motivation behind his madness. But in reality, it is quite simple – we love our Cleveland Browns. By the way – Many people forget that Brownie Man started off wearing brown pantyhose and an orange Speedo – so trust me, Mrs. Pumpkinhead has it easy! Bravo to Gus Angelone for his courage and his insane worship of his beloved team! He is setting the bar high for the rest of Brownie Nation. As a reward for his effort, Gus received a $30 gift certificate to the Cleveland Browns Team Shop. Hopefully he’ll find something nice for that RV, or perhaps even his embarrassed wife. Brownie Man would like to thank everyone who participated. It’s always a pleasure to connect with fellow Browns fans. He would love to award each and every participant, but let’s face it: being a super hero with no actual super powers does not pay that well. Congratulations Pumpkinhead and GO BROWNS!!
Police in Cleveland have released disturbing photograph of Brownie Man after being struck by a hit and run driver. He is shown lying motionless near the side of the road, ignored by bystanders and other drivers, who swerved to avoid his body but did nothing to help. A one-minute clip from a nearby surveillance camera is currently being reviewed by police, but it has not been made public. The film shows nine cars drive past Brownie Man’s body while several pedestrians stop and stare. One rider on a moped even circled him for a closer look before deciding to drive on. He lay crumpled on a nearby patch of grass without anyone rushing to his aid until a police car – reportedly responding to an unrelated call – arrived on the scene. The photo was released with the hope of catching the unidentified driver but also to highlight the lack of humanity in modern-day America. At the end of the day we’ve got to look at ourselves and question our morals,” said Police Chief Daron Roberts. “We have no regard for each other. I mean, the victim here was not your average citizen…we’re talking about the Brown Knight. What’s next? Is the mayor gonna rob LeBron at gunpoint?!” Brownie Man was taken to a local hospital and is listed in stable, but pissed off condition. 
The following is an excerpt from Mike Holmgren’s press conference on Monday evening. In attendance were Dorothy, Toto, the Scarecrow, and the Tin Man. No one from the Plain Dealer was present. 
The son of Browns’ nose tackle Shaun Rogers was kidnapped by several armed men at the family’s hotel in Mumbai (India) a police spokesman said on Monday. At least four armed men drove to the Mumbai Marriott in an SUV, burst inside and pointed weapons at Rogers and his family – taking his son Tyson and leaving the rest of the family tied up. They were later freed by a member of the hotel’s staff, and appeared to be unharmed. The 18-month-old boy is widely considered the top defensive line recruit in the 2031 NFL draft, and many Browns fans hope to someday see him playing alongside his father on the team’s defensive line. The kidnappers are asking for $3,000,000 for his safe return. 
Browns head coach Eric Mangini is finding new ways to keep himself busy this offseason. On Saturday afternoon he reportedly signed a deal to pose as Napoleon Bonaparte in an upcoming issue of GQ Magazine. The publication plans to do a series of issues that feature NFL coaches dressed as infamous world leaders. This should be old hat for Mangini, since he developed a bit of a Napoleon complex since joining the Browns last January. He will reportedly be paid a whopping $500,000 to pose for the March cover of the magazine. An anonymous source close to the deal had this to say, “Eric is making $500,000 to make fun of himself. For that kind of money, he was like ‘Why not? Everyone else already is! I may as well cash in.’ And it’s not like he has to get naked. If he has to be ridiculed and called names for the rest of his career in Cleveland, he’s OK with that, as long as he gets paid – sorta like Josh Cribbs.” Brownieman.net contacted Mangini on Sunday morning for comment. He had only this to say, “Look, I love who I am. You’re going to have to interpret me however you’re going to interpret me.” He then abruptly hung up the phone. 
Do you consider yourself a die-hard Browns fan? Is it causing problems with your marriage or your productivity at work? Well the Brown Knight may reward your bad behavior! He is giving away a very special surprise gift to one lucky Browns fan. In order to be eligible to win, all you need to do is send him an email to brownknight32@gmail.com with your picture (in Browns gear) and a brief message telling him why you should be the chosen one. Brownie Man will select the winner on Friday, February 5th, and the winner will be featured on our website. So get off your ass, stop doing work at work, and tell your wife to go fly a kite. You have a reward to claim! GO BROWNS! 
According to the Associate Press, the Brown Knight has pleaded with Cleveland Browns fans to respect all people without discrimination or the threat of violence during a recent interview about the upcoming NFL draft. “Respect others, regardless of their jersey color, nationality, language, or religion”, Brownie Man said, “It is important to keep this in mind, even when they are different than us.” But following the interview, he openly admitted that it was really just a PR stunt that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell forced him into and that the words were as hollow as Dan Rooney’s Yinzer-ass skull. He later added, “I live in my mother’s basement and dress up like a super hero on acid…AND YOU TAKE ME SERIOUSLY?! Come on man…get a clue.” 
It appears that Browns head coach Eric Mangini has been bitten by the acting bug. He had brief cameo in a 2007 episode of the HBO mob drama The Sopranos, where he played himself and was only required to eat …not much of a stretch for a man of his stature. But on Wednesday afternoon, the hefty Mafioso wannabe inked a deal with Paramount Pictures to play the role of Fredo in the upcoming film The Godfather IV. The role had been played by John Cazale in the first three editions of the Godfather series, but Cazale died of bone cancer in 1978, opening the door for Mangini’s shot at Hollywood glory. Brownieman.net spoke to the film’s director Francis Ford Coppola about hiring Mangini. “Eric was perfect for the role of Fredo. In the previous films, Fredo kinda comes in and f*cks everything up. He is far less mentally acute than his younger brother Michael. Who better to play the part than Eric? Did you see his first training camp in Cleveland?” Coppola went on to say that Mangini will be required to drop at least 250 pounds by June in order to play the part. So much for preparing for the 2010 draft! 
He doesn’t have a beard, he has a mustache. Instead of long brown hair, he has a short tuft that looks like the fur of a dead raccoon. And with his flowing linen robes and beatific smile he certainly does resemble a holy man. But to his believers from Brownie Nation, Mike Holmgren, a former history teacher, is the literal reincarnation of Jesus Christ. Holmgren, 61, is the spiritual leader of at least 5,000 devoted Dawg Pound members, among them intellectuals, artists and professionals who flock to worship the team on Sundays. He is just the latest example of Cleveland’s love of ‘personality cults’ – an obsession that leads back all the way to the days of the Kardiac Kids. Many fans claim something awoke inside them when Holmgren was announced as Cleveland’s new football Czar, a mere 2,000 years after he was first crucified. Holmgren says he realized that God had sent him to Earth to teach mankind about the evils of Pittsburgh and the havoc Lerner was wreaking on the team. His followers, who have given up their lives to follow him, are strict vegans and are banned from smoking and drinking or handling money. Whether or not he wins over the skeptics remains to be seen. His ability to turn Gatorade into bourbon is pretty cool though. Even if you’re a non-believer.