What are commonly referred to as silly teenage pranks can sometimes have serious consequences. Pittsburgh resident Randy Kennedy experienced that first-hand last season while visiting Cleveland for a game against his archrival. Kennedy, a life-long Steelers fan, was severely injured last December when one of his brilliant yinzer friends dared him to run through the Muni Lot in an Art Modell costume, waving a terrible towel and screaming obscenities at Browns fans He made it all of about 25 yards into the lot before several thousand tailgaters beat him to a bloody pulp. Kennedy, who barely escaped with his life, has since tried to prosecute the ring leaders of the beat-down. He suffered a fractured skull, a broken jaw and later developed pneumonia. As a result, he had to spend 100 days in an intensive care unit and undergo four major surgeries to fix his injuries. However, on Monday afternoon, a Cleveland judge ruled that Kennedy was a natural born dumbass and utterly insane for even attempting such a stunt – clearing the Browns fans of all charges. “Young people must think about the consequences of their actions,” he said up upon issuing the ruling. “Hopefully this incident will stand as an example to show young towel waving morons like Mr. Kennedy what a thoughtless act, perceived by them as a funny joke, can do in real life.”

According to the Associated Press, Brady Quinn has been keeping himself busy this offseason with the hope of landing the starting job in 2010. On Sunday, he was working out in Denver with former NFL quarterback John Elway. During a 90-minute session, Quinn, who was dressed in full-pads, practiced flopping on his back repeatedly. Some of the collisions appeared violent and rather painful. When questioned about what the drill was all about, Quinn had this to say, “Let’s face it, I’m going to be running for my life again this season if we don’t improve the offensive line, so I have to get better at taking sacks. If I have to go down, I want to look good doing it, ya know?” Quinn went on to tell reporters that he was working with Elway on his fundamentals since he is a bit of an expert in that department. Elway holds the NFL record for career sacks at 516. About 494 of them occurred when the Broncos played the Browns in the late 1980’s….or at least it seemed that way.

Professional golfer and prostitute enthusiast Tiger Woods announced today that he will be retiring from golf and entering the 2010 NFL draft as a wide receiver. This came as a shock to many people in the sports world that assumed he would apologize for his transgressions and announce his return to the sport he has dominated since he was a fetus. Woods spoke today from the clubhouse at TPC Sawgrass, home of the PGA Tour. Ironically, his statement came during the Match Play Championship, sponsored by Accenture, the first company to drop him as a pitchman. Way to stick it to the man, Tiger! His agent, Mark Steinberg believes that Woods could be picked up by the Browns, who have the #7 overall pick in the draft, even though his client has no experience playing the game of football. “While Tiger feels what happened is fundamentally a matter between he and his wife, he also recognizes that he has got to get the hell out of the public eye for a while. At first, we thought rehab was the answer. But having an opportunity to play for the Cleveland Browns virtually guarantees that no one will see his face on TV for another 3-5 years,” Steinberg said in an e-mail on Friday. “It’s a win-win for everyone. He’s in great shape and NFL ready. The Browns get a receiver, and Tiger gets to fade away into obscurity.” Sounds just like what the Cleveland Browns need….more drama! Should make for an interesting season.

Brownie Man spent the vast majority of his morning sending Valentine’s Day cards to everyone in his address book. Here is the one he sent to K2, Braylon, his ex-girlfriends and Art Modell:

The Brown Knight wishes everyone else a happy V-day. He hopes you all got chocolate, flowers, and….uh….lucky. This marks the last imaginary holiday before the 2010 NFL draft. YAY!

Cleveland Browns head coach Eric Mangini is set to open his own brewery, according to reports from the Associated Press. The 39-year-old, who considers himself a bit of an expert when it comes to drinking beer, has reportedly registered brand names for his line of microbrews, one of which will be called Mangini Ale. Other names include Loser Lager, Dawg Pound Porter, and Pay the Man Pilsner – in honor of Josh Cribbs. A spokesman for the Intellectual Property Office said the names have been registered and have appeared in the Trade Marks Journal. Mangini’s Brewery & Public House is set to open in The Flats of Cleveland in July, a spokesperson confirmed on Tuesday morning. The Flats saw resurgence as an entertainment destination in the mid-1980’s, but that was short lived. Mangini and his beer making friends hope to change that. Details of the new location will be formally released next week, but it is rumored that the pub will occupy an old warehouse on the shores of Lake Erie. “My plan is simple” Mangini said during a phone interview, “I want to get the city of Cleveland drunk as hell. I’m talking fall-down drunk. 50 point loss to Pittsburgh drunk. That way, they’ll forget all about my first draft, my first training camp, and the infamous QB debacle. And I think we’ll have enough Loser Lager to do it.”

According to the Associated Press, Darth Vader has been named the new Offensive Coordinator of the Cleveland Browns. Vader comes to NFL after spending the last thirty three years as the central antagonist in the Star Wars trilogy. During that time, he was a dark, foreboding, and ruthless figure, and one of the pivotal rulers of the Galactic Empire. In 1977, he mercilessly attempted to destroy the Rebel Alliance, which had waged a long and desperate war to free the galaxy from his evil clutches. Although he has no direct experience coaching an NFL team, his brings instant credibility to Cleveland because of his expertise in full-scale, aggressive assaults – something the Browns’ offense has lacked since the late 1980’s. Before joining the dark side, Lord Vader spent much of his time as a Jedi Knight and was later a decorated hero in the Clone Wars. This is just the latest in front office changes for the Browns. Club President Mike Holmgren said that he is pleased to have Vader joining his staff and that he will be “very involved in our attempt to take over the AFC North Division”.

Last week Brownie Man asked the readers of this site to prove they were die-hard Browns fans by sending in their pictures and telling him why they think they should be awarded a special surprise gift. Some people wrote poems; some showed off their Browns tattoos; and some even stooped so low as to try bribe the Brown Knight. After a week of semi-disturbing emails and hours of well needed therapy, Brownie Man has decided that the winner is Gus Angelone, a.k.a. PUMPKINHEAD! Take one look at him and you can see why. Gus can’t get enough of the Cleveland Browns! The man clearly had to rob a bank or spend his children’s college funds to afford his killer costume. He has taken it one step further by purchasing an RV that is covered in orange and brown – complete with a picture of his alter ego. This puts him among the ranks of some of the most famous (and infamous) Browns fans in the world. But his getup and his vehicle are not the only thing that got him to the Promised Land. It was the following quote from his submission last week, “My wife is so embarrassed when I put on my outfit, she says I’m an attention whore.” This is something that Brownie Man can relate to, as some people have questioned the motivation behind his madness. But in reality, it is quite simple – we love our Cleveland Browns. By the way – Many people forget that Brownie Man started off wearing brown pantyhose and an orange Speedo – so trust me, Mrs. Pumpkinhead has it easy! Bravo to Gus Angelone for his courage and his insane worship of his beloved team! He is setting the bar high for the rest of Brownie Nation. As a reward for his effort, Gus received a $30 gift certificate to the Cleveland Browns Team Shop. Hopefully he’ll find something nice for that RV, or perhaps even his embarrassed wife. Brownie Man would like to thank everyone who participated. It’s always a pleasure to connect with fellow Browns fans. He would love to award each and every participant, but let’s face it: being a super hero with no actual super powers does not pay that well. Congratulations Pumpkinhead and GO BROWNS!!

Police in Cleveland have released disturbing photograph of Brownie Man after being struck by a hit and run driver. He is shown lying motionless near the side of the road, ignored by bystanders and other drivers, who swerved to avoid his body but did nothing to help. A one-minute clip from a nearby surveillance camera is currently being reviewed by police, but it has not been made public. The film shows nine cars drive past Brownie Man’s body while several pedestrians stop and stare. One rider on a moped even circled him for a closer look before deciding to drive on. He lay crumpled on a nearby patch of grass without anyone rushing to his aid until a police car – reportedly responding to an unrelated call – arrived on the scene. The photo was released with the hope of catching the unidentified driver but also to highlight the lack of humanity in modern-day America. At the end of the day we’ve got to look at ourselves and question our morals,” said Police Chief Daron Roberts. “We have no regard for each other. I mean, the victim here was not your average citizen…we’re talking about the Brown Knight. What’s next? Is the mayor gonna rob LeBron at gunpoint?!” Brownie Man was taken to a local hospital and is listed in stable, but pissed off condition.

The following is an excerpt from Mike Holmgren’s press conference on Monday evening. In attendance were Dorothy, Toto, the Scarecrow, and the Tin Man. No one from the Plain Dealer was present.

“Put ‘em up, put ‘em up! Which one of you first? I can fight you both together if you want! I can fight you with one paw tied behind my back. I can fight you standing on one foot. I can fight you with my eyes closed. Oh, pullin an axe on me, eh? Sneaking up on me, eh? Why, I’ll… Ruff! Rrrrrrruff!” This went on for what seemed like an eternity. When asked for clarification on what the hell he was talking about, Holmgren had this to say, “I do believe in spooks. I do believe in spooks. I do! I do! I do!”

Attention Plain Dealer: This is my way of saying: PLEASE STOP USING THE PICTURE SHOWN ABOVE! Holmgren looks ridiculous in it!

Thank you,
Brownie Man

The son of Browns’ nose tackle Shaun Rogers was kidnapped by several armed men at the family’s hotel in Mumbai (India) a police spokesman said on Monday. At least four armed men drove to the Mumbai Marriott in an SUV, burst inside and pointed weapons at Rogers and his family – taking his son Tyson and leaving the rest of the family tied up. They were later freed by a member of the hotel’s staff, and appeared to be unharmed. The 18-month-old boy is widely considered the top defensive line recruit in the 2031 NFL draft, and many Browns fans hope to someday see him playing alongside his father on the team’s defensive line. The kidnappers are asking for $3,000,000 for his safe return.