The 2009 NFL Draft made for an exciting weekend in Cleveland. The Browns moved down three times in the first round, trading from No. 5 to No. 17 to No. 19 and then No. 21, picking up a second and two sixth round picks in the process. When finally making their first selection at No. 21, Cleveland decided to draft – a new fan base. The move came as a shock to many NFL experts, who thought the team would be looking to draft offensive and defensive football players. Brownieman.net spoke with Browns’ GM George Kokinis about his decision. “We are committed to improving football in Cleveland in every way we can,” he said from his office in Berea. “This includes stadium employees, players, personnel, and the fan base.” Kokinis noted that he and Mangini were sick of all the criticism from the fans prior to the draft and said he looks forward to a fresh start. The new fan base comes primarily from China, Mexico, and Poland which should make for interestingly diverse Dawg Pound.

According to an anonymous source close to the team, the Cleveland Browns will use a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors to determine their selections in the upcoming 2009 NFL draft. It has been rumored for weeks that Mangini and Kokinis could not agree on a draft board, but this latest development has many fans upset. “If they move forward with this ridiculous strategy, I’m going to jump off a f*cking building,” said life-long fan Steve Jones. “Originally I wanted them to deal their first pick to another team for additional draft picks, but not if they’re gonna pull this sh*t,” he continued. It should make for an exciting weekend!

The Browns have announced that they will trade Braylon Edwards to the New York Giants rather than risk another season filled with dropped passes and disgruntled fans. In exchange for the former Pro Bowl wideout, Cleveland will receive a fifth of bourbon and a carton of Camel non-filters. “This deal doesn’t really help us fill any holes on our roster, but we figured the coaching staff is going to need all the bourbon and cigarettes they can get this season, “Mangini said from his office in Berea. “The Giants wouldn’t give us the draft picks we wanted, so we figured this was the next best thing.” He would not identify which coaches on his staff already drink and smoke, but he did say that all those who didn’t would probably start soon. Edwards told Brownieman.net that he’s ready for a new beginning. “Cleveland was great to me,” he said from a Starbucks on Sunday. “I had a great time playing here, even though most of the fans hated me. I’m going to miss everyone on the team. But it’s also a new opportunity for me to drop passes in a much bigger market.” He then mishandled his latte and it crashed to the floor.

While on a routine patrol in Cleveland’s Collinwood neighborhood on Wednesday, Officer Gerald Jackson told his partner of 12 years that it would be their last ride together. Earlier that morning, Jackson decided he would enter the 2009 NFL draft. Brownieman.net spoke with him about his decision. “I graduated with a degree in criminal justice, but I’ve always wanted to play quarterback in the NFL,” he said. “I think my chances of getting picked up are pretty good. Anyone that has seen me patrol the Muni lot during Browns tailgates knows I have a cannon for an arm. I can usually toss a football through a tire on my fifth or sixth throw,” he said. Jackson, who is 5-foot-7, 200 pounds, has no college football experience. “That’s what makes me dangerous. No NFL defense can prepare to face me because I’m not on tape. I’m a unique player who can bring a lot to a team,” he said. If Jackson does not sign with an agent and decides to return to the CPD, he must submit a letter informing the NFL of his intentions by midnight on Friday.

Football’s glass ceiling has apparently been shattered with the release of the 2009 NFL schedule. For the first time in history, an all-girls team will take the field when the Detroit Lionesses visit the Saints on September 13th in New Orleans. Some call it a sideshow publicity stunt, but the NFL recently declared that the 0-16 men’s team from 2008 was an embarrassment to the league and needed to be replaced. The Browns will take their shot at the female footballers from Motown when they travel to Detroit on November 22nd. “I think it is great that the NFL is allowing a team of female athletes to compete on this level. And there’s a chance for them to get one, maybe two, wins this season. But I pray to god one doesn’t come against us.” Mangini said from his office in Berea on Tuesday. Vegas has the Browns favored in that game by 1 ½ points.

Browns WR Braylon Edwards is optimistic he can play in 2009 despite a recent MRI that revealed his fingers are, in fact, made of butter. This contradicts reports last season that claimed his hands were only coated with the slippery dairy product. Edwards said he will decide over the next few weeks whether he will have surgery now or hold off and attempt rehabilitation.”Everybody’s body is different,” he said before a promotional event in Cleveland. “My body is obviously different than yours. The tips of my fingers are made from churned cream, so I don’t have a timetable right now for my return. I just have to get treatment and see how I feel in a few weeks.” Riiiiiiight, Braylon. Good luck with that!

Authorities have arrested a Norwalk man on animal cruelty charges following the seizure of a 100 pound pig that he allegedly roasted at a Browns tailgate last season. Police say that after the pig’s charred carcass was found in a homemade barbeque pit near the vehicle owned by 32-year old Morgan Dubois, they arrested him on the spot. The responding officer also seized 3 cases of beer and taco dip that allegedly belonged to Dubois. He was released after posting $3,500 unsecured bond.

According to US Weekly Magazine, Octuplet-mom Nadya Suleman has purchased a new, eight tube beer bong to help feed her 14 children. David Nejedly, a Browns fan from Sandusky, Ohio sold the device to Suleman primarily to make a little cash. “With the economy being as bad as it is, I was just looking for ways to recoup some of my lost retirement savings. I also thought it might open the door to a reality TV show of some kind” he told brownieman.net on Saturday. Multiple media sources reported two weeks ago that Octo-Mom paid in excess of $13 for the bong, but Nejedly would not confirm or deny those reports.

According to an anonymous NFL source, the Cleveland Browns plan to select senior Notre Dame captain ‘God’ with their first pick in the upcoming draft. Arguably the most versatile player available, the Browns could use God virtually anywhere — up to and including the coaching booth. With his athleticism, durability and knack for pulling off miracles, God could be used as a player/coach on both sides of the football. Many believe that he will eventually become the savior of the struggling franchise. So much for Quinn, Edwards, and Thomas.

The makers of the Hollywood blockbuster film “Predator” have confirmed reports that Browns’ standout Joshua Cribbs will play the lead role in the latest installment of the series. The title of the movie has yet to be determined, but a publicist for the project said the filming of the $140 million production is on track to begin in March of 2010. That was despite Cribbs telling reporters in Cleveland that he was yet to commit to the project. Director John Schultz said Cribbs was a natural choice for the role. “Let’s face it, the dude looks just like Predator, minus the helmet of course. He’s got dreadlocks, and he hunts people down just like the villain in the original picture.” When asked if Cribbs’ lack of acting experience was a concern, Schultz replied, “He’s the scariest S.O.B. on this team, and you know it. Hell no I’m not concerned! It’s nothing a little CGI and makeup can’t fix.” Oscar-winning actor Nicolas Cage has been slated to play the Cribbs’ father in the film, and Fran Drescher will play opposite Cage as his mother. I’m not exactly sure why.