The Cleveland Browns have announced that defensive lineman Shaun “Big Baby” Rogers has been named starting QB for the 2009 season. This comes as a shock to just about everyone on the planet, including Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson, who were considered to be the primary contenders for the job. “I’m excited about it, and I’m ready for it,” Rogers said. “You don’t get a bigger stage than this, and lord knows I need a big *ss stage.” Mangini’s decision came three days after Quinn and Anderson threw multiple interceptions to rookie receivers in minicamp. “I feel that Brady and Derek are in a bit of a slump,” Mangini said. “We had to make a decision on who might give us the best chance to win games. We think that the answer is our 350 pound lineman.” No word yet on who will be Rogers’ backup, but Mangini would not rule out Alex Mack, who could run the offense more efficiently by hiking the ball to himself.

The Chinese government has demanded the city of Pittsburgh return NFL sideline reporter Deng Li Yang, who was kidnapped by Yinzer commandos at Heinz Field. China’s President, Hu Jintao urged the mayor of Pittsburgh to put pressure on the moronic fan base to comply. Brownieman.net contacted a senior Chinese peace negotiator for comment on the situation. “Abducting our first and only NFL sideline reporter is an act of stupidity we haven’t seen before. We have been told that Yang coughed a few times on the sideline, and her coughs were mistaken for dog barks common among Cleveland Browns fans. Shortly thereafter, Yinzer commandos asked to take a photo with her, then stuffed her in a burlap sack and into a vehicle waiting outside the stadium. This was an act of piracy that cannot be tolerated,” the source said from his home in Shanghai. Yang has not been seen since the incident occurred. Jintao would not rule out the possibility of nuclear war if she is not returned safely.

The Cleveland Browns reported on Wednesday that head coach Eric Mangini has been diagnosed with stage three swine flu, becoming the latest American to fall victim to the virus. In the United States, the total number of confirmed cases has doubled in recent weeks, according to the Center for Disease Control, but this is the first one to hit the NFL. Brownieman.net spoke with Dr. Richard Figler, the Browns’ head physician about the news. “I was just appointed to this position a week ago. I thought our biggest problem would be shoulder and knee injuries at mini-camp; maybe a staph infection or two…but this was not on my radar,” he said from his office in Cleveland. Figler noted that Mangini has been quarantined and that every inch of every room at the Browns’ facilities is being scrubbed and disinfected. “We have no idea how he got it, but he looks like sh*t,” Figler said, “There’s no way he can coach this team looking like a character from a demented fairy tale.” Meanwhile, Britain’s health secretary announced that their Health Protection Agency has identified the full genetic code of the swine flu virus, the first step in developing a vaccine.

President Obama admitted he told a “minor fib” during his run for the White House. In an interview with brownieman.net, Obama confessed that he is a fan of the Cleveland Browns. This contradicts earlier statements he made on the campaign trail that he grew up a Steelers fan. The president said he has learned a lesson from the debacle. “Uh, I consider this a mistake on my part, and I am sitting down with you today to clear the air. While I was campaigning in Western Pennsylvania, uh, I told a few people I was a Steelers fan. That could not be further from the truth. Uh, I was just trying to get votes in a crucial swing state. The sad thing is that those Yinzers actually believed me. Uh, when I was in Green Bay, I said I was a Packers fan, ya know? Come on people, I’m a politician!” Obama said. “Uh, ultimately I have to take responsibility for this lapse in judgment. I, uh, hope the people of Brownie Nation understand. Please know that my heart is in the right place. Uh, I am, and have always been, a Cleveland Browns fan.” This admission, along with the controversial economic stimulus plan, has made for a rocky start to Obama’s presidency.

On Friday an independent NFL poll reported that 944,591 fans rated Brownie Man’s cape a 9.8 out of 10, good enough for the #1 spot on the “top 250 NFL fan super hero capes of all time” list. Several league experts believe that Brownie Man’s cape will slide down the list as more votes are tallied, but it’s worth noting that these alleged “experts” are also illiterate, meth-addicted Steelers fans. “My cape is impervious to their stupidity,” Brownie Man said outside of a Frisch’s Big Boy in Lakewood. But he had no other comments regarding the matter. Prior to the most recent vote, the top spot had been held by Super Fan #1 (pictured with BM above) since the early 1980’s. He was preceded by Brown Chocula, who held the title for more than seven years during the swinging 70’s.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that Super Bowl XLIV will be played on top of a converted school bus instead of Dolphin Stadium in Miami, as originally planned. According to Goodell, the annual championship game has become boring and predictable and he is concerned about a decline in viewership.“I knew next year’s game had to be fundamentally different than previous years, and I don’t mean the halftime entertainment,” he said while standing at a urinal on Wednesday. “I was in here the other day and the idea just hit me. Imagine the number of tickets we’ll be able to sell if we don’t have a stadium to confine us! Playing the championship game on top of a moving vehicle will allow the NFL to bring the excitement to the fans and right into the tailgate lots.” Goodell went on to say that the playing surface will be 98% smaller than a standard NFL field but he did not seem at all concerned that many players and coaches could be injured or killed during the course of a game.

The Cleveland Browns announced on Sunday that they will be changing the design of their helmets prior to the start of the 2009 NFL season. With arguably the most recognizable helmets in the NFL, the team wanted to embrace its history while paying homage to their new head coach and the players he brought with him from New York. The word “Jets” has been added to the helmet so that it is more consistent with their current roster. “We stand firmly committed to improving the team in any way that we can,” owner Randy Lerner said. “The helmet is always the most determinative factor of any NFL brand.” Instead of completely overhauling the design, as teams like Denver have, the Browns opted to simply tweak the existing design. “The new identity retains many important aspects of our history in terms of our primary mark and our colors,” Lerner said. “However, the evolution of the helmet allows us to represent the team a little more accurately. I mean, 98% of the roster is compromised of former Jets’ players.” Lerner noted that the team name will not change….unless they pick up 2 or 3 more players from New York.