Baltimore linebacker Ray Lewis has been spending much of the offseason trying to locate the individual responsible for posting an online threat to “kick some Raven ass”. The threat, which featured Lewis getting his ass kicked by Phil Dawson, was anonymously posted on an NFL blog by someone using the screen name KosarKid19. Lewis remembers the first time he saw the threatening message. “I was sipping a cup of coffee from 7-11 and surfing the internet when I came across an AFC North blog. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Phil Dawson kicking MY ass?! Oh, hell no. I can’t have that. I’m gonna get the (expletive) who posted it. If anyone can find out his home addresses, let me know. I’ll hunt down the (novel expletives) like a (expletive) bounty hunter.” Lewis said his friends are trying to identify the IP address of the person who posted the threat. While the District Attorney has yet to get involved, the blogger could face possible charges for making criminal threats – if he lives to see tomorrow.

The Associated Press has confirmed that Jesus Christ will open a clothing store in downtown Cleveland early next week. The store, rumored to be called Holy Shit, will be located in the Terminal Tower building and will feature the ever-popular, Jesus Hates the Steelers line of t-shirts. This is Jesus’ first entrepreneurial effort but it is something he has been thinking about for centuries. “I thoroughly enjoy the downtown atmosphere,” he said. “Traveling to other cities and seeing people walk and shop and gather downtown; I wanted to be a part of that in Cleveland — the downtown renewal. And everyone knows I hate the Steelers, as much or more than lepercy, so why not capitalize on that?” Brownieman.net contacted Mayor Jackson’s office for comment. “The importance of retail to the vibrancy of a downtown cannot be underestimated,” he said. “We welcome Mr. Christ with open arms. I even bought one of his shirts myself.” Holy Shit will be open from 11 a.m. to 6 p.m. Monday thru Saturday.

Head coach Eric Mangini designed his Super Bowl XLIV championship ring to look different than the rest. And why not? Since Super Bowl XLIV has not been played yet. Mangini went with sixteen round, brilliant cut diamonds surrounding the Browns logo. The four diamonds on the right side of the logo represent the Browns’ four AAFC championships; the four on the left represent their NFL championships; the four on the top represent the four years that the city did not have a team in the late 90’s; and the four diamonds on the bottom represent the 40,000 fan suicides reported since the team was formed in 1946. Mangini intends to give each player a ring at the end of training camp and intends to wear his on the sidelines moving forward. “I think it will be motivational for the team. That, and I really wanted some sweet-ass bling,” Mangini said from his office in Berea. “When I showed the guys my design – we saw a bunch of grown men act like little kids. It was like Christmas: You beg your parents to get you what you really want. But you never know how excited you are going to be until you open up that box on Christmas morning.”

Former Indianapolis Colts coach Jim Mora chatted it up with Brownieman.net today, and he had a few things to say about the Cleveland Browns’ chances this season. The following is an excerpt from that conversation:

Brownieman.net: Do you think Braylon Edwards can bounce back from a horrible 2008 season?

Mora: Listen…he can’t catch a re-run of the Cosby Show, let alone a football. So, no….hell no!

Brownieman.net: What do you think the Browns’ record will be this year?

Mora: Does anyone really care about records? What are you getting at?

Brownieman.net: Do you think the Browns have a decent shot at the playoffs this year?

Mora: Playoffs?!?! Playoffs?!?! You’re asking me about playoffs?! They just want to win a game!

Brownieman.net: Right, ok. A hypothetical question then. Which offense would you rather have, 2001 Rams or 2007 Patriots?

Mora: Browns went 4-12 last season and you’re sitting there with a straight face asking me about playoffs?! Unbelievable.

The Northeast Ohio Cub Scouts participated in a drawing contest on Tuesday as part of Cleveland Browns Kids Camp, an annual off-season event sponsored by the team. Dave Evans, a camp counselor, asked the scouts to draw a picture of their favorite Cleveland Browns player or coach. At stake – free tickets to a pre-season game. Jeremy Dycus of Cub Scout Pack 30 drew a picture of head coach Eric Mangini, who he met last year in New York while visiting his grandparents. When Dycus finished the picture, he told his cub master that he was sure he would win. His confidence proved justified. The judges voted unanimously to award him first place and he will soon be on his way to watch Mangini at work in a meaningless preseason game. The energetic eleven-year-old is getting ready for his transition into the Boy Scouts this Fall, and he can hardly wait. It made his day when he learned that he will be able to go to a Browns game for free.

Cleveland Browns receiver Braylon Edwards went to the Cleveland Clinic on Monday complaining of a severe headache. Within minutes doctors discovered the cause: Edwards had over two dozen nails imbedded in his skull. Doctors were surprised when x-rays revealed clusters of nails between his right eye and ear and at least four on the left side of his head. Edwards was uncertain how the nails got there, but he suspects his estranged girlfriend and/or agent are to blame. “The nails had been there for some time,” said Dr. Walker following the six-hour operation. “We think Braylon played most of last season with them rattling around in his head. It sort of explains why he couldn’t catch a beach ball, let alone a 10 yard pass last season.” Dr. Walker removed the nails with needle-nosed pliers and Edwards is expected to survive with no serious side effects.

In a recent interview with brownieman.net, head coach Eric Mangini admitted that he has been practicing his patented “what the f*ck?!” facial expression since the late 1970’s. “Facial expressions are an important channel of nonverbal communication,” he said. “They provide commentary and illustration about verbal communications.” Mangini went on to say that he has been able to utilize the WTF facial expression on several occasions since joining the Cleveland Browns. “I used it when I first met Big Baby Rogers; when I read fan blogs about my draft selections; while talking to Cribbs about his brief holdout; whenever I field questions about the starting QB situation; and anytime I see Braylon let a ball bounce off his chest. It really comes in handy and communicates much more to a player than simply throwing a clipboard at him.” Mangini would neither confirm nor deny that he is working on another facial expression in preparation for training camp, but rumors continue to fly around Berea.

Shania Twain announced that she will honor Jamal Lewis’ injury-plagued career by performing a memoriam montage during the Browns’ family day event on August 9th. The country music star will sing “Any Man of Mine” as video highlights and photographs of Jamal’s various injuries are flashed onto a large movie screen. Twain, who was born Eilleen Edwards, is the only female musician to have three albums certified diamond by the Recording Industry Association of America. Although she is a native of Canada, Twain has been a Cleveland Browns fan her entire life, and is the President of the Windsor, Ontario Browns Backers club. Her favorite player is Jay-Lew so she jumped at the chance to serenade him.

Season ticket holder and Akron native Bill Watts says he’s good at assessing his favorite team’s talent. So much so, that he often brings neon cardboard signs to Browns games to share his thoughts with other fans during commercial breaks. Some people in his section think the signs are Bill’s way of getting attention and an attempt to get his face on TV. Others think he is somewhat of a football prophet. Watts has been known to say insightful things to other Browns fans during the course of a game, such as, “We need to score more points this half,” or “This is a huge third down.” But at no other time has his assessment been more accurate than the day he held up a sign that said, “Braylon couldn’t even catch a staph infection.” He proudly unveiled the sign following a 16-6 loss to the Houston Texans. Anyone who witnessed Edwards’ play knows that Watts was spot-on. Bill’s wit and attention to detail have earned him a place in the hearts of everyone here at brownieman.net.

Cleveland Browns minicamp has concluded and the team has about six weeks to rest up before the start of training camp. Some players will occupy their time by studying the playbook. Others will spend time with their families and hope that the playbook studies them. Derek Anderson has informed brownieman.net that he intends to spend the majority of his time playing Battleship with former Browns quarterback Bernie Kosar. “Bernie was a tremendous leader in Cleveland and there is a lot I can learn from him. He is synonymous with the 1980’s, and so is the game of Battleship,” he said from his home on Tuesday. “I can’t think of a better way to learn how to lead this team to victory than waging a naval war against Kosar.” Anderson went on to say that he wants to be a fan favorite in Cleveland and the only way for him to get there is to bomb the hell out of Kosar’s ships and then turn his focus to Quinn’s North Atlantic fleet. No word yet if Anderson intends to work on his footwork, check-downs, or short yardage passes – all of which were areas of weakness in 2008.