Quinn Likes to Stay at the Y-M-C-A
Thursday, July 30th, 2009
Cleveland Browns quarterback Brady Quinn admitted on Friday that it is fun to stay at the YMCA. So much so, that he lead a team of rookies in a choreographed dance at the banquet that concluded spring practice. A photo taken of Quinn at the event shows him dressed as what appears to be a homeless stripper. When questioned about his attire, Quinn said that he did not have a cop uniform or an Indian costume, so he had to ‘make do’. Rumor has it that BQ works out at a local YMCA on a regular basis and is in talks with their national office on a sponsorship deal.
The Cleveland Browns have reported that starting WR Braylon Edwards has reported to camp on time. Unfortunately, it was the wrong camp. Instead arriving at Browns training camp in Berea, Edwards showed up with a large entourage at a KOA camp in Streetsboro, Ohio on Thursday morning. Brownieman.net contacted his agent for comment. “I had the same reaction anyone would have. I was like ‘Braylon…..WTF? How could you NOT notice that you were at a summer camp with a bunch of kids?!’” Edwards reportedly had little to say about the incident. His agent claims that Braylon thought the little boy that he was sharing a tent with was kicker Phil Dawson. He seemed embarrassed when confronted about it, and hopes to put the entire misunderstanding behind him. 
Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl confirmed Sunday evening that none of the highway signs leading into his city contain typos. “The signs say Shittsburgh because Pittsburgh is, in fact, a crappy place to be,” he said from his downtown office. “Unfortunately I have the displeasure of running this town, so I think I am qualified to make that determination. Any city that would elect a 29 year old to run things clearly has issues.” This ends weeks of speculation that someone at the sign making company was drunk when fabricating the green directional signs. Mayor Ravenstahl would not comment on rumors that his city’s NFL team is considering changing their name to the Squeelers. 
No, this isn’t him. We just think he looks cool. All jokes aside, the folks at brownieman.net would like to take a moment to welcome and celebrate our 1,000th visitor. We didn’t think it would happen so soon! Thanks for stopping by to laugh with us and for telling your friends how warped we are. It really feeds our ego. We thoroughly enjoy acting like jackasses, so if you keep reading, we’ll keep writing. Feel free to send us comments/suggestions by using the contact form at the top of the page. Thanks again and GO BROWNS!! 
An unidentified man burst into Eric Mangini’s office on Wednesday morning wielding a gun and demanding to know the 2009 training camp schedule. The incident occurred 7am in Berea, and Mangini reportedly remained calm. He told the armed man that the he had very few details about the camp schedule and that it has to remain flexible for various reasons. But even at gunpoint, Mangini would not say why. Instead, Mangini offered the overzealous fan the following partial schedule: 
Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has been accused of sexual assault in a civil lawsuit, his lawyer said on Tuesday. The lawsuit was filed last week in district court accusing the quarterback of assaulting his left hand while on vacation in Las Vegas in July 2008. This came as a shock to fans in Pittsburgh since Roethlisberger is known to be right-handed. Further details of the lawsuit were not available this morning. An anonymous source close to the team had this to say, “Ben has never sexually assaulted anyone…including himself. We think his right hand may have had something to do with it. Jealousy may have been a motivating factor here. If an investigation is commenced, Ben and both his hands will cooperate fully.” 
An anonymous source close to the Browns believes Brady Quinn may have sold his soul to the devil in exchange his rugged good looks and a shot being the first string quarterback in Cleveland. This comes as a shock to Catholics around the world who followed Quinn’s college career at Notre Dame. However, the source believes that shortly after the transaction was finalized, Quinn punched the devil in the face and took his soul back. This could explain why Quinn, who was the Browns first-round draft pick in 2007, has retained his soul but has seen limited playing time during his time in Cleveland. It also provides some insight into the quarterback competition that Quinn will find himself part of during training camp. The devil, who appreciates irony, could not be reached for comment. 
Daryl Jenks, pictured at left, took a trip to the local video store on Thursday night. Little did he realize that brownieman.net would be there to snap his picture. I’m not sure what I like best about Mr. Jenks: the leather Stillers coat in 80 degree heat, the Guns & Roses studded belt, or the frosted-tip mullet. Art Rooney II was not in the store when the picture was taken, but this reporter has a hard time believing that Art would defend the appearance of a moron like this. Jenks is just a gold necklace away from the next edition of Ripley’s Believe it or Not. We all know those crazy Yinzers love showing their Stiller pride, but I have a hard time not laughing when I see fans like this. God bless them! 
With the Tribe out of contention in the American League Central Division, Cleveland fans have their hearts set on a daily training-camp battle between Brady Quinn vs. Derek Anderson. However, the waters of Lake Erie are murkier now that Mangini has announced that Elmo will also have a shot at the starting spot. “Elmo brings a competitive nature, and the intensity and emotion that you want on the field,” he said from his office in Berea. “He is very ticklish, and NFL defenses may try to exploit that, but he has so many intangibles that are positive, so we want to give him a shot. Ultimately, the decision is going to be mine and hopefully I can make the right decision for the team.” This could be the most bizarre QB battle of the summer when you consider that a puppet from Sesame Street has never played a down in the NFL. Adding to the intrigue is the fact that Anderson has never been the greatest of practice quarterbacks and Quinn has had limited experience as a starter. 
Cleveland Browns QB Derek Anderson has informed brownieman.net that he is suing Cheetah Nightclub, claiming he was permanently injured after a dancer kicked him in the head. Anderson’s attorney filed suit against the club on Monday, alleging that an exotic dancer named ‘Sookie’ kicked him without warning. Cheetah manager Mike Sumption says that’s not quite the way they remember the night. “That jackass slapped the young woman on her buttocks as she was walking around the edge of the stage and I guess out of a natural response she turned around and kicked him. From what I’m told he refused medical attention and came back in the club later that night for drinks,” he said. Sumption also questioned how his dancer could have caused any damage to Derek’s already cloudy brain. Anderson has retained the powerful local law firm Gil Williams & Associates, and they informed us that they intend to spend ‘many billable hours conducting on-site research’. 
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