The Cleveland Browns improved their preseason record to 2-1 after defeating the Tennessee Titan 23-17 on Saturday night. After the game, head coach Eric Mangini participated in a 3-hour press conference in which he didn’t actually SAY anything. Here is just a sample of the Q&A from that press conference:

(On if Brady Quinn played well enough to be named the starting QB) “We’ll look at the tape and keep evaluating it. I have no timetable for that decision.”

(On the follow-up question: ‘Do you realize the season begins in less than two weeks?’) “I’ll have to look at my calendar. But the one I have, versus the one you have….they may not match up. They may not be the same.”

(On if he has been pleased that Braylon Edwards has not dropped a ball recently) “We’ll keep evaluating it and soon he’ll be there.”

(On the follow-up question: ‘Be where? Where will Braylon be?’) “We’ll have to take a look at the tape and see.”

This went on for what seemed like an eternity, leading this reporter to believe that coach Mangini is either a former CIA operative or affiliated in some way with the mob. We would have learned more about the Browns if we had interviewed his discarded wad of chewing gum.

New Browns coach Eric Mangini says his punter competition is far from over. But veteran Dave Zastudil and newcomer Jakub Krzynowek are ready to strut their stuff again in the upcoming game against the Tennessee Titans. “What I want to see is toughness from these two. I want to see them kick the sh*t out of the ball tonight,” Mangini said. “Lord knows they are going to have plenty of opportunities.” Last week, Krzynowek outplayed Zastudil, but both looked far from improving on last year’s 4-12 mark. Krzynowek, the fan favorite, is a former soccer star in his native Poland. His boyish good looks and goofy accent are a particular hit with female fans. Zastudil, the incumbent punter, has less of a huddle presence but has a particularly strong ankle. Although the regular season is just two weeks away, Mangini has set no timetable for his decision.

Prosecutors asked a judge to throw out a public lewdness charge against a 10-year-old boy accused of urinating on a Tennessee Titans logo while his best friend Hobbes was on lookout for the police. Municipal prosecutors in Cleveland filed a motion Thursday to dismiss the charge against Calvin, who suffers from incontinence. His arrest sparked calls from upset city residents and Browns fans across the country. “As far as we’re concerned this is over,” said city attorney Larry Rush. “A prosecutor is supposed to do justice. Once we learned of the circumstances we decided this was certainly a case that should not be prosecuted. The kid couldn’t help himself!” “Thank you, Jesus. Glory, Hallelujah!” Calvin told the Press-Register newspaper after learning of the city’s motion. Coincidentally, the Browns play the Titans this weekend.

A Pittsburgh man was arrested in downtown Cleveland on Wednesday evening and charged with reckless stupidity. Jesse Rockwell, 37, was picked up by Police just outside The Winking Lizard Tavern around 11pm. He and his toothless, meth-addicted friends were walking around the city with their shirts off. Although walking around sans shirt is not typically viewed as criminal, police made an exception in Rockwell’s case because he was covered from head to toe in Pittsburgh-themed sports tattoos. Brownieman.net was able to reach Rockwell at the county jail for comment. “Yinz guys are blowin this outta proportion, man. I spent a lot of money on these tatts. I got me Willie Stargell, Terry Bradshaw, Mario Lemieux, and some guy that got cut from the Stillers 1977 team. Yinz guys don’t like art or somethin?” Rockwell’s attorney will represent him in court this morning and hopes to get the charges dropped after proving that his client is a moron. He is currently being held without bond.

Bret Michaels knew how obvious his choice was. “Twelve weeks, 23 girls and I end up with the best looking NFL quarterback in the world,” he said after the season finale aired. “Who saw that coming?” Everybody, including Bret, suspected Quinn was on the show to further exploit his various achievements and become a TV star, so it appeared as though he wasn’t going to be chosen at the end – an end Michaels said will be his last. This is the last time I want to do this,” he told brownieman.net on Tuesday afternoon, “I have reached the top of the mountain, and the view is awesome. What could I possibly do to top this? Choose Derek Anderson next season? NO WAY!” It took Quinn a while to absorb the win, but now he appears focused on the 2009 NFL season.

Cleveland Browns receiver Donte Stallworth said he takes “full responsibility” for the accident last March in Miami that claimed the life of Mario Reyes. He maintains that, although Reyes ran out in front of his speeding Bentley, he had time to flash his lights, honk his horn, and stop at a McDonald’s drive-thru before he hit the Miami resident. Stallworth admitted that he order two value meals because he had the munchies, but would not provide any other specifics about the order. He will appear in an interview with ESPN’s Michael Smith for the network’s E:60 newsmagazine program, which is scheduled to air August 11th at 7 p.m.

The biggest story this week at Browns training camp had nothing to do with the QB competition or the contracts of Phil Dawson or Josh Cribbs. Shaun Smith, the outspoken defensive lineman best known for sucker punching Brady Quinn in the weight room, apparently fell asleep while standing on the sidelines on Friday. Not surprisingly, he was released by the team minutes after defensive line coach Bryan Cox woke him with a swift kick to the shins. Earlier that afternoon, while the rest of the linemen were jogging, Smith walked and lagged far behind the rest of the group. That appeared to be the last straw for Cox. “I just can’t take his ass no more, dog,” Cox said after the ordeal. “I mean, only horses sleep standing up. He may sleep like a horse, but he sure as hell doesn’t run like one.” Smith is currently in search of another team to play for and he is rumored to be close to a deal with the NFC perennial favorite Detroit Lions.

A cartoon dog named Cooper choked to death after gorging himself on orange cartoon footballs at a nightclub in Cleveland on Tuesday night. Cooper, known by locals as the lovable symbol of the Cleveland Browns’ Dawg Pound was 10 years old. The pooch collapsed after he began choking on a large cartoon football that got stuck in his throat. According to witnesses, it was his fifth cartoon football in a 10 minute period. Fellow revelers and nightclub staff tried to revive him, but were unable to clear his airways. As a tribute to their fallen friend, the Cleveland Browns have promised not to choke during the 2009 regular season.