Jim Platt, a lifelong Bears fan, has been diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor shaped like a bear’s head, doctors confirmed this week. The growth, which is on the outside of his skull, first appeared during the 2007 pre-season. The prognosis appears uncertain at best for the last surviving brother of the Platt family, who has had an enormous presence at Soldier Field for the last two decades. The announcement was made three days after Platt was stricken at the family’s Mount Prospect (IL) home. Doctors conducted a battery of tests, including a biopsy of the bear head tumor, and identified the cancerous mass as the cause of his bizarre complexion. “I always thought the bear head was part of his game day costume – and I thought the change in his skin tone was actually face paint. I had no idea Jim was really sick,” his wife Michelle said on Thursday. The news sent shockwaves across Chicagoland. Many of his tailgating friends were visibly shaken, some tearing up, but they also expressed their hope for the best possible outcome. ‘‘The usual course of treatment includes a bear trap, radiation and chemotherapy,’’ said Dr. Mark Schwam, a neurologist who is working with Platt. But he added that decisions about the best course of treatment would be made after more tests and analysis. In the meantime, Jim Platt has decided to carry on with his everyday life. And he intends to be in the stands this Sunday to watch the Bears battle the Cleveland Browns.

The Cleveland Browns have had a tough week. They were stricken with the flu, lost D’Qwell Jackson to a season-ending pectoral injury, and almost lost another defensive player (Eric Wright) to a car wreck. Mangini’s solution? He hired a stripper dressed in a sexy nurse costume to lift the team’s spirits before the Green Bay Packers game this afternoon. “We should have our own reality show,” Mangini said. “We’ve got a great story to tell. We’ve been through a lot, and Candy here is going to make sure we have a happy ending.” Candy, a stripper originally from Akron, intends to do a private dance for the team approximately 30 minutes before kickoff. The Browns coaching staff will reportedly pay her more than $10,000 for the dance and an additional $5,000 to wear the sexy nurse outfit. There is no telling what she will make in tips. Let’s just hope the strategy works and results in a Browns victory.

Shauna Nelson’s cheese bra is every dairy lovers favorite treat – and she’s bringing her wares to Ohio this weekend. She intends to sell her edible tops to visiting Packers fans outside Cleveland Browns stadium on Sunday, as part of her season-long NFL road trip. Officially called “Nelson’s Cheddar Bra”, it is made of approximately 230 ounces of cheese, and has about 85 calories per serving, so don’t worry about it affecting your diet as long as you eat in moderation. The tops come in various styles and sizes, and the vast majority of them are made from the same type of cheddar cheese you would see at your local grocery store. They make a great romantic gift, but the cheddar bras cannot be returned for obvious reasons. However, they are considered safe to wear – even for those who are lactose intolerant. The brassieres cost $24.95 a piece and will be available outside the stadium ticket office.

Scores of Browns fans are creating paper bag masks, in preparation for the Packers game this Sunday in Cleveland. Among the embarrassed fans are Rory Ward, 28, John Boyles, 29, and several dozen members of the infamous Dawg Pound section. “It’s one thing to watch our favorite team get the crap kicked out of them on a regular basis – but it’s another thing to watch it through the eyeholes of a paper bag mask that you painted yourself,” Ward said. “It’s a little comforting to be able to hide your face in public.” Designing the perfect paper bag mask is an art form, according to Boyles. “It takes a lot of time to learn the intricate scissor work and to get the color of the paint just right,” he said. Ward, a native of Huron, says he’s excited about this weekend’s game, but cannot imagine the Browns losing yet again. He has been a Browns fan all his life, and credits his father with helping him blossom into an expert paper bag mask-maker. The Browns host the Green Bay Packers at 1pm on Sunday – and at least 12 Giant Eagle stores in Northeast Ohio have reported that they have completely run out of brown paper bags as a result of Cleveland’s dismal start.

The city of Cleveland is roaring in anticipation of Sunday’s showdown against the Green Bay Packers. There’s a stench in the air along the Cuyahoga River – it’s the smell of Limburger cheese. Parked between an old tire factory and an abandoned warehouse, two Packers fans are lurking. Dave Nye and his redneck brother Kip began tailgating there early Monday morning. “Me and Kip wanna be good and drunk by kickoff, so we like to get an early start,” Dave said through a hideous set of teeth. “We chose this spot by the river so we have a place to wash up in the mornin.” Kip noted that he has a ritual of carving the opposing teams mascot out of a wheel of cheese before each game for good luck.”It’s been pretty successful,” he said. “Although there’s been a few times that it attracted critters to our camp site.” The Browns take on the Packers at 1pm on Sunday. Dave and Kip will be there, wearing dairy products on their head.

Eric Mangini announced two hires to his coaching staff on Monday but neither was for a competent offensive coordinator, seemingly his most pressing need. Instead, the Browns coach tweaked his defensive staff and created two new positions. He hired a former NFL player for one position and a distant cousin for the other. The former player is Tre Gordon, named to the newly created post of pass-rush specialist. The cousin (twice removed) is Eric Ilzallajah – who will serve as the team’s first poor tackling coach. “Eric has never played organized football in his life. In fact, he’s lived most of his life in a grass hut in some third-world country I can’t even pronounce. But he’s a distant cousin of mine on my dad’s side and I don’t want to see him go hungry,” Mangini said from his office in Berea. “He may not have any coaching experience, but he has the intangibles I’m looking for – like doing everything I say without question.”

Sam-I-Am always wants dessert first: for breakfast, lunch and dinner – but who doesn’t? Recognizing the problem with obesity in Pittsburgh, registered dietitian and devoted mother Christine Weber has been working with the Dr. Seuss Foundation on a new book entitled, “What the F*ck is This Sh*t?!” The new full-color illustrated book shows young Yinzers who gorge themselves on junk food that eating balanced, colorful meals can be fun too! On page 4 of the book, mommy and daddy make a deal with Sam: He can eat a treat as long as he also eats a fruit or vegetable with his meal. Eventually Sam learns to like healthy food and loses over 250 pounds at the climactic ending of the story. Although it seems like common sense to most people, the book caters to the unintelligent youth of the Steel City. In order to get them to open the book, Weber insisted that the publisher slap a Pittsburgh Steelers logo on the cover. Whether or not kids will actually read it and take heed remains to be seen. Young Yinzers and their parents could surely benefit from this educational and fun story, which is available at local bookstores now for $19.99.

A man covered with Steelers tattoos was arrested after he exposed himself to woman on the Southside neighborhood in Pittsburgh this afternoon. The intoxicated 33-year-old hillbilly was running down Carson Street screaming when he noticed a woman he thought he knew sitting outside a bar, according to the incident report. The man called out to the woman by name, but she didn’t respond. After calling to her a second time, he realized she wasn’t the woman he thought and so he unzipped his pants and exposed himself to her. His testicles were tattooed with the faces of Kordell Stewart and Larry Foote, both former Steelers. The woman told the man to go away several times, but he refused and police were called. After local law enforcement responded to the scene, the man, who also had tattoos of the Eat’n Park logo on his hands, ran away. Police found him hiding behind a fence and arrested him for indecent exposure, blatant stupidity, and disorderly conduct. Ironically, the man that was arrested in Cleveland recently on similar charges.