Darren Jacobs is just like every 33 year old Browns fan – a little overweight, a lover of pornography, and very much an alcoholic. But one thing sets Darren apart from the rest – he still believes in Santa Claus. Since 1999, Jacobs has asked Saint Nick for “a real football team” but every year he gets a 12 pack of multi-colored tube socks and some cheap Walgreen’s after shave from his deadbeat parents. Someone needs to tell this poor bastard that Santa does not exist before it is too late. We don’t need another serial killer in Cleveland, and it doesn’t take a professional chimney sweep to determine that it is impossible for an obese man in a red suit to go down a chimney. If you know Darren Jacobs, or anyone like him, please do your part this holiday season and tell him there is no happy ending to this season and that Santa is not listening to him because he is busy NOT EXISTING!

Brownie nation finally has a reason to rejoice. Their beloved Brownie Man, who has spent the last couple of weeks in a coma, awoke on Monday morning and appears to be on the road to recovery. Brownie Man suffered severe brain injury after repeatedly bashing his helmetless head against his living room wall. This random act of self destruction followed the Browns’ tough loss to the Detroit Lions two weeks ago. It has been reported that a Chinese woman successfully broke the Brown Knight’s comatose state by biting his toes. Lv Kui claimed that she had tried everything she could think of to wake Brownie Man but nothing seemed to work. “I played the radio, sang and talked to him, but nothing worked. I then recalled someone saying that the feet are the home for many nerves. I wondered if I could wake him by biting his toes,” Kui told the press. She later said that she bit his toes gently and faithfully every day for 2 weeks until it worked. The Brown Knight is still unable to speak, but he can move his arms and smile like the jackass that he is.

Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis said today that the Browns “don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell” of winning on Monday night, when they host the Baltimore Ravens. Really Ray? Did you come to that conclusion on your own? Because virtually every NFL football analyst out there has picked the Browns to win by fifty points! Clearly, you’ll make a great fortune teller when your playing days are over. What’s next? Are you going to predict that taxes are going to increase or that we’ll see a black president take office in our lifetime? Why don’t you stick to what you know best: jumping around like an idiot before games and stabbing people after Super Bowl celebrations. – John Davis (Akron, OH)

Cleveland Browns’ beloved brownie mascot was arrested for choking Remy the Raven unconscious this morning, Cuyahoga County deputies said. Brownie ran from investigators when they arrived but was later captured and taken into custody, according to the arrest report. Remy, the sexually confused mascot of the Baltimore Ravens, refused medical attention. Though the sheriff’s office says Remy was the victim in the choking incident, he was also arrested early this morning. “It was just a very chaotic scene,” Sheriff McKinnon said. “While deputies were trying to get to the bottom of the fight, several dozen Browns fans poured into the street and began egging them on.” McKinnon went on to say that the fight started over a disagreement concerning the talent level of the Browns’ offensive line. Brownie was charged with attempted murder and battery by strangulation. Remy was charged with felony stupidity and resisting an officer without violence. Both mascots were denied bail.

Cleveland Browns running back Jamal Lewis said he’s frustrated by another losing season and believes Brownie Man is not making things any easier for the team. Lewis, who intends to retire after this season, said today that he doesn’t like to see the team be made fun of. “There’s talent everywhere in this locker room,” he said before practice. “I understand we’re 1-7 and that we’re an easy target, but this dude dresses up in a cape and tights. What is he, 35? We should be making fun of him.” Lewis went on to say that he is sick of everything and is ready to retire from football. It must be rough making millions of dollars for doing jack shit. The Browns host Baltimore on Sunday.

Browns fans that are depressed about the state of the team and are jonesing for a fix can satisfy their appetite with ‘Dollar Heroin Night’ November 16th at Cleveland Browns Stadium, when the Browns play host to the Baltimore Ravens. Spoonfuls of black tar heroin will be $1 all night long, for all fans that are 18 years and older. “Dollar Drug Night is one of our most popular promotions,” said Browns owner Randy Lerner. “We’re featuring heroin this time around, but we intend to offer other drugs later this season – more specifically blow and crank.” Fans can also purchase an “All-You-Can-Eat” ticket for all remaining Browns home games, which includes unlimited hot dogs, popcorn, soft drinks, nacho chips, cheese and salsa. Lerner believes the new concession stand promotions will be a welcome relief for Browns fans and he does not seem at all concerned about the long term effects of the promotion. No doubt it will make the fans feel better, but some community leaders are questioning the judgment of the front office. The team’s physician could not be reached for comment.

As if there wasn’t enough drama in Cleveland already, head coach Eric Mangini added more fuel to the fire on Thursday by guaranteeing the Browns will not suffer another loss this Sunday. “We’re gonna come out, and we’re gonna work hard,” he said. “And we will NOT lose to these guys. Period. I guarantee it.” When a reporter from brownieman.net informed Mangini that this is a bye week for the team, the coach waved a dismissive hand and was visibly annoyed. “We have been preparing to play the team from ‘BYE’ since Monday and I’m willing to bet my left nut, as well as the jobs of all the jagovs I hired, that we will not lose to them.” Mangini continued his moronic coach-speak for about 20 minutes without really saying anything at all. He seemed convinced that the Browns are playing an expansion team from the city of ‘Bye’ which resulted in a roomful of laughter. Maybe he will understand when he shows up for the game on Sunday and sees that no one except Derek Anderson is in the stadium.

In an act of rage, Cleveland Browns owner Randy Lerner severed the team’s Kok on Monday, following Sunday’s predictable loss to the Bears. The severed organ was then escorted to the parking lot by security and has not been seen since. Lerner told the media that he decided to sever the team’s Kok because of its poor performance and the more he spoke about the incident, the more his actions seemed inspired by the 1993 story of Lorena Bobbitt. Mangini, who looked visibly shaken at a recent press conference, would not speak about the details surrounding the incident, but he did say that the Kok was his friend and that he respects the Kok very much. Doctors are unsure if they will be able to reattach the severed organ, and many fans are left wondering is the team’s Mangina will be severed next. No charges have been filed against Lerner.

Less than 24 hours after Perez Hilton tweeted about seeing Brownie Man and an unidentified brunette in Chicago, a photo emerged showing the twosome together in what appears to be a Northwest suburb. They were enjoying a Halloween beverage when the photo was taken. An eyewitness said the woman with Brownie Man didn’t seem to mind the attention she was getting from the paparazzi. Speculation that the two are engaged has been brewing for months, and the ring on the brunette’s hand has many people believing the rumors to be true. Calls seeking comment regarding the report have been made to the Brown Knight’s representatives, but have not been returned. Sadly, this kind of celebrity gossip is far more entertaining than the actual product that Cleveland has been putting on the field this season.

As expected, Cleveland Browns owner Randy Lerner held a news conference this morning to announce a series of actions designed to address what he is calling “shortfalls” in the organization. The new measures include immediate policy changes such as increased playing time for Brady Quinn, a full psychiatric review of the coaching staff, and the firings of individuals who are determined to be “f*cking morons” following the internal analysis. Most NFL experts think that a minimum of six people will be terminated from their positions as a result. That number could rise to eight or ten, according to an optimistic fan from Chicago, IL. Lerner’s frustration with the team’s performance this season was clear during the 30-minute press conference, but he admitted that it pales in comparison to the frustration of the Browns’ fan base. “I have a happy family and a net worth of 1.5 billion dollars, so I think I am in a better position to handle this kind of season than the average fan is. Most of these people live and breathe Browns football and live on peanuts. I can always drop a few million at a casino or strip club to lift my spirits,” Lerner said, “What the hell are they gonna do – drink themselves to death?” Lerner expects to begin implementing his changes this week.