Cleveland Browns head coach Eric Mangini is set to open his own brewery, according to reports from the Associated Press. The 39-year-old, who considers himself a bit of an expert when it comes to drinking beer, has reportedly registered brand names for his line of microbrews, one of which will be called Mangini Ale. Other names include Loser Lager, Dawg Pound Porter, and Pay the Man Pilsner – in honor of Josh Cribbs. A spokesman for the Intellectual Property Office said the names have been registered and have appeared in the Trade Marks Journal. Mangini’s Brewery & Public House is set to open in The Flats of Cleveland in July, a spokesperson confirmed on Tuesday morning. The Flats saw resurgence as an entertainment destination in the mid-1980’s, but that was short lived. Mangini and his beer making friends hope to change that. Details of the new location will be formally released next week, but it is rumored that the pub will occupy an old warehouse on the shores of Lake Erie. “My plan is simple” Mangini said during a phone interview, “I want to get the city of Cleveland drunk as hell. I’m talking fall-down drunk. 50 point loss to Pittsburgh drunk. That way, they’ll forget all about my first draft, my first training camp, and the infamous QB debacle. And I think we’ll have enough Loser Lager to do it.”

Browns head coach Eric Mangini is finding new ways to keep himself busy this offseason. On Saturday afternoon he reportedly signed a deal to pose as Napoleon Bonaparte in an upcoming issue of GQ Magazine. The publication plans to do a series of issues that feature NFL coaches dressed as infamous world leaders. This should be old hat for Mangini, since he developed a bit of a Napoleon complex since joining the Browns last January. He will reportedly be paid a whopping $500,000 to pose for the March cover of the magazine. An anonymous source close to the deal had this to say, “Eric is making $500,000 to make fun of himself. For that kind of money, he was like ‘Why not? Everyone else already is! I may as well cash in.’ And it’s not like he has to get naked. If he has to be ridiculed and called names for the rest of his career in Cleveland, he’s OK with that, as long as he gets paid – sorta like Josh Cribbs.” Brownieman.net contacted Mangini on Sunday morning for comment. He had only this to say, “Look, I love who I am. You’re going to have to interpret me however you’re going to interpret me.” He then abruptly hung up the phone.

It appears that Browns head coach Eric Mangini has been bitten by the acting bug. He had brief cameo in a 2007 episode of the HBO mob drama The Sopranos, where he played himself and was only required to eat …not much of a stretch for a man of his stature. But on Wednesday afternoon, the hefty Mafioso wannabe inked a deal with Paramount Pictures to play the role of Fredo in the upcoming film The Godfather IV. The role had been played by John Cazale in the first three editions of the Godfather series, but Cazale died of bone cancer in 1978, opening the door for Mangini’s shot at Hollywood glory. Brownieman.net spoke to the film’s director Francis Ford Coppola about hiring Mangini. “Eric was perfect for the role of Fredo. In the previous films, Fredo kinda comes in and f*cks everything up. He is far less mentally acute than his younger brother Michael. Who better to play the part than Eric? Did you see his first training camp in Cleveland?” Coppola went on to say that Mangini will be required to drop at least 250 pounds by June in order to play the part. So much for preparing for the 2010 draft!

As if there wasn’t enough drama in Cleveland already, head coach Eric Mangini added more fuel to the fire on Thursday by guaranteeing the Browns will not suffer another loss this Sunday. “We’re gonna come out, and we’re gonna work hard,” he said. “And we will NOT lose to these guys. Period. I guarantee it.” When a reporter from brownieman.net informed Mangini that this is a bye week for the team, the coach waved a dismissive hand and was visibly annoyed. “We have been preparing to play the team from ‘BYE’ since Monday and I’m willing to bet my left nut, as well as the jobs of all the jagovs I hired, that we will not lose to them.” Mangini continued his moronic coach-speak for about 20 minutes without really saying anything at all. He seemed convinced that the Browns are playing an expansion team from the city of ‘Bye’ which resulted in a roomful of laughter. Maybe he will understand when he shows up for the game on Sunday and sees that no one except Derek Anderson is in the stadium.

The Cleveland Browns have had a tough week. They were stricken with the flu, lost D’Qwell Jackson to a season-ending pectoral injury, and almost lost another defensive player (Eric Wright) to a car wreck. Mangini’s solution? He hired a stripper dressed in a sexy nurse costume to lift the team’s spirits before the Green Bay Packers game this afternoon. “We should have our own reality show,” Mangini said. “We’ve got a great story to tell. We’ve been through a lot, and Candy here is going to make sure we have a happy ending.” Candy, a stripper originally from Akron, intends to do a private dance for the team approximately 30 minutes before kickoff. The Browns coaching staff will reportedly pay her more than $10,000 for the dance and an additional $5,000 to wear the sexy nurse outfit. There is no telling what she will make in tips. Let’s just hope the strategy works and results in a Browns victory.

Eric Mangini announced two hires to his coaching staff on Monday but neither was for a competent offensive coordinator, seemingly his most pressing need. Instead, the Browns coach tweaked his defensive staff and created two new positions. He hired a former NFL player for one position and a distant cousin for the other. The former player is Tre Gordon, named to the newly created post of pass-rush specialist. The cousin (twice removed) is Eric Ilzallajah – who will serve as the team’s first poor tackling coach. “Eric has never played organized football in his life. In fact, he’s lived most of his life in a grass hut in some third-world country I can’t even pronounce. But he’s a distant cousin of mine on my dad’s side and I don’t want to see him go hungry,” Mangini said from his office in Berea. “He may not have any coaching experience, but he has the intangibles I’m looking for – like doing everything I say without question.”

The NFL has fined Browns head coach Eric Mangini for violating the league’s rules on injury reporting when he was the coach of the New York Jets last season. The team failed to place Favre, now with the Minnesota Vikings, on the injury report during the final month of the season, even though he had a torn biceps tendon and his arm was barely attached to his body. The league, wanting to set an example, has fined the Jets 7 million pesos and Mangini and Jets general manager Mike Tannenbaum 2 million pesos each. It is unclear why the NFL will not accept U.S. currency. Mangini now wants to put the situation behind him. “I have worked with the league on this matter and now consider it closed,” he said in a statement. “It was difficult to find a currency exchange facility in Cleveland, but we got it done and now my focus is on our preparations for the Broncos.” Commissioner Goodell said Monday that the case would be an opportunity for the league to stress the importance of gambling on NFL games.

Late last week, when a sarcastic fan asked Mangini if he would even bother showing up at the season opener vs. Minnesota, the Browns head coach said he was going to flip a coin to decide. At first it didn’t appear as though he was serious. Rather, it was simply his way of saying it didn’t matter if he showed up or not. But if Mangini isn’t serious, he certainly isn’t relenting. Before practice this morning, Mangini once again said he plans to flip a coin to decide if he will coach. “That’s probably the fairest way to do it. I’ll probably give both thumbs equal reps with the coin,” he said. “But if I do show up, I might not arrive by car. I might take a train, boat, or hang glider. I really can’t say more than that though. It’s an internal matter.” The man continues to be the Rubik’s Cube of NFL coaches.

The Cleveland Browns improved their preseason record to 2-1 after defeating the Tennessee Titan 23-17 on Saturday night. After the game, head coach Eric Mangini participated in a 3-hour press conference in which he didn’t actually SAY anything. Here is just a sample of the Q&A from that press conference:

(On if Brady Quinn played well enough to be named the starting QB) “We’ll look at the tape and keep evaluating it. I have no timetable for that decision.”

(On the follow-up question: ‘Do you realize the season begins in less than two weeks?’) “I’ll have to look at my calendar. But the one I have, versus the one you have….they may not match up. They may not be the same.”

(On if he has been pleased that Braylon Edwards has not dropped a ball recently) “We’ll keep evaluating it and soon he’ll be there.”

(On the follow-up question: ‘Be where? Where will Braylon be?’) “We’ll have to take a look at the tape and see.”

This went on for what seemed like an eternity, leading this reporter to believe that coach Mangini is either a former CIA operative or affiliated in some way with the mob. We would have learned more about the Browns if we had interviewed his discarded wad of chewing gum.

Brownieman.net has learned that head coach Eric Mangini is working on an agreement with MDB Advertising to star in the latest installment of Subway’s “Five Dollar Foot-long” TV commercial series. According to an anonymous source, Mangini will receive a large sum of money in a burlap sack and a sandwich named after him. For a limited time, Subway will offer Browns fans a special deal: a Mangini Meatball sub for only $5. The new sandwich will feature spicy peppers and will come wrapped in wax paper with Browns helmets on it. Mangini’s sandwich is approximately 1/10 the size of former head coach Romeo Crennel’s Meaty Feast Sub, which featured 12 different kinds of meat, chocolate chip cookies, and nacho cheese sauce. The commercial is slated to be shot at Browns training camp, but Mangini has been tight lipped about when the filming will take place. Rumor has it that the camera men, grips, and lighting crew will all be former New York Jet players….cause that’s how he rolls.