Professional golfer and prostitute enthusiast Tiger Woods announced today that he will be retiring from golf and entering the 2010 NFL draft as a wide receiver. This came as a shock to many people in the sports world that assumed he would apologize for his transgressions and announce his return to the sport he has dominated since he was a fetus. Woods spoke today from the clubhouse at TPC Sawgrass, home of the PGA Tour. Ironically, his statement came during the Match Play Championship, sponsored by Accenture, the first company to drop him as a pitchman. Way to stick it to the man, Tiger! His agent, Mark Steinberg believes that Woods could be picked up by the Browns, who have the #7 overall pick in the draft, even though his client has no experience playing the game of football. “While Tiger feels what happened is fundamentally a matter between he and his wife, he also recognizes that he has got to get the hell out of the public eye for a while. At first, we thought rehab was the answer. But having an opportunity to play for the Cleveland Browns virtually guarantees that no one will see his face on TV for another 3-5 years,” Steinberg said in an e-mail on Friday. “It’s a win-win for everyone. He’s in great shape and NFL ready. The Browns get a receiver, and Tiger gets to fade away into obscurity.” Sounds just like what the Cleveland Browns need….more drama! Should make for an interesting season.

The 2009 NFL Draft made for an exciting weekend in Cleveland. The Browns moved down three times in the first round, trading from No. 5 to No. 17 to No. 19 and then No. 21, picking up a second and two sixth round picks in the process. When finally making their first selection at No. 21, Cleveland decided to draft – a new fan base. The move came as a shock to many NFL experts, who thought the team would be looking to draft offensive and defensive football players. Brownieman.net spoke with Browns’ GM George Kokinis about his decision. “We are committed to improving football in Cleveland in every way we can,” he said from his office in Berea. “This includes stadium employees, players, personnel, and the fan base.” Kokinis noted that he and Mangini were sick of all the criticism from the fans prior to the draft and said he looks forward to a fresh start. The new fan base comes primarily from China, Mexico, and Poland which should make for interestingly diverse Dawg Pound.

According to an anonymous source close to the team, the Cleveland Browns will use a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors to determine their selections in the upcoming 2009 NFL draft. It has been rumored for weeks that Mangini and Kokinis could not agree on a draft board, but this latest development has many fans upset. “If they move forward with this ridiculous strategy, I’m going to jump off a f*cking building,” said life-long fan Steve Jones. “Originally I wanted them to deal their first pick to another team for additional draft picks, but not if they’re gonna pull this sh*t,” he continued. It should make for an exciting weekend!

While on a routine patrol in Cleveland’s Collinwood neighborhood on Wednesday, Officer Gerald Jackson told his partner of 12 years that it would be their last ride together. Earlier that morning, Jackson decided he would enter the 2009 NFL draft. Brownieman.net spoke with him about his decision. “I graduated with a degree in criminal justice, but I’ve always wanted to play quarterback in the NFL,” he said. “I think my chances of getting picked up are pretty good. Anyone that has seen me patrol the Muni lot during Browns tailgates knows I have a cannon for an arm. I can usually toss a football through a tire on my fifth or sixth throw,” he said. Jackson, who is 5-foot-7, 200 pounds, has no college football experience. “That’s what makes me dangerous. No NFL defense can prepare to face me because I’m not on tape. I’m a unique player who can bring a lot to a team,” he said. If Jackson does not sign with an agent and decides to return to the CPD, he must submit a letter informing the NFL of his intentions by midnight on Friday.

According to an anonymous NFL source, the Cleveland Browns plan to select senior Notre Dame captain ‘God’ with their first pick in the upcoming draft. Arguably the most versatile player available, the Browns could use God virtually anywhere — up to and including the coaching booth. With his athleticism, durability and knack for pulling off miracles, God could be used as a player/coach on both sides of the football. Many believe that he will eventually become the savior of the struggling franchise. So much for Quinn, Edwards, and Thomas.

The 2009 NFL draft begins on April 25th, just eight months before Christmas. I believe it’s never too early to begin working on your wish list, so here’s mine: 1) For f*ck sake, get us some help on defense! Specifically, a LB that can pass-rush and a safety that isn’t clearly on the opposing team’s payroll. 2) Add a decent receiver to the roster – preferably one that can catch. 3) Resolve the QB controversy BEFORE training camp begins, even if that means half of Brownie Nation defects to Baltimore. 4) An official Red Ryder carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle, with a compass in the stock. Santa, PLEASE make it happen!