» Draft

Former Stripper Grades Browns’ Draft

admin — Sun, 01 May 2011 16:55:39 +0000

Opinions on the Browns 2011 draft picks are like assholes – everyone has one, but no one wants to hear them. Unless of course you’re a former stripper, turned NFL analyst named Ashley Giles. Ms. Giles recently joined WMDB News as their resident NFL “expert”. We’re not quite sure what qualifies Ashley to be a pro football analyst, but WMDB President Ron Abrams told brownieman.net that their Sunday morning news ratings are up 825% from the previous offseason. But that’s where the good news ends. On her first segment following the 2011 NFL draft, Giles was somewhat critical of the Browns picks. “This year’s draft cannot, like, be graded without considering what the Browns gained in their first-round trade with the Atlanta Falcons,” she said as she twiddled her hair and chewed Double Bubble. “But who are these guys?!” Giles then proceeded to comment about the individual players chosen by the Browns:

• On DT Phil Taylor: “He’s, like, a big, run-stuffing defensive tackle who will start immediately. He’s also, like, a big cuddly teddy bear who would, like, rip your head off if you mess with him. But he has the same name as my dentist. Phil? EW! What were they thinking?!”

• On DE Jabaal Sheard: “The Browns are, like, screwed when it comes to defensive end, so Sheard will be another starter for sure. He was, like, the best-rated defensive end left on the board, but he reminds me of my ex-manager Tony, who, like, totally tried to play me. Not a good pick, Cleveland!”

• On WR Greg Little: “This was, like, my favorite pick of the first round. Greg wasn’t as big of a name as A.J. Green or Julio Jones, but he’s, like, WAY cute! He could totally do porn.”

Most people were surprised to see the Browns take a tight end and a fullback in the fourth round, but Giles said they simply went with the best looking players available on their draft board. During her show she analyzed each players body, their hair and teeth – and even their ex-girlfriends. Taking all of that information into consideration, Giles gave the Browns an overall draft grade of C+.

BM Crashes Draft Party at White House

admin — Thu, 28 Apr 2011 21:34:22 +0000

As Brownie Man waltzed past cameras at the White House on Thursday night, he looked as though he belonged there, except for one tiny detail – his wardrobe. “The minute I saw him, I thought, ‘Who the f*ck is that clown?!’ Then I saw the name on his cape and immediately grabbed the guest list – but his name wasn’t on there,” said Nancy Roberts, who was in charge of greeting guests at the entrance. The Brown Knight’s name wasn’t on the list because he wasn’t officially invited. Yet somehow he managed to talk his way past the Secret Service and into the star-studded NFL draft party, where he warmed up to Vice President Joe Biden, pumped the keg for Obama and Michelle, and even told jokes to the Marines posted at the door. The Secret Service has launched an investigation into the security breach and says a preliminary probe reveals that proper procedure wasn’t followed at one of its checkpoints. However, this is hardly Brownie Man’s first foray into the spotlight. Some believe he’s a former high school cheerleader and he’s recently been involved in a public dispute over control of a family vineyard in Maumee, OH. Late Friday, representatives for Brownie Man released a statement saying he “did not crash the event and that he looks forward to setting the record straight very soon.”

Graham Returns from Grave to Enter Draft

admin — Sun, 17 Apr 2011 19:56:06 +0000

A little more than seven years after dying of a heart aneurysm in Sarasota, Florida, former Browns great Otto Graham announced today that he would forego the afterlife and “test the waters” of the NFL draft. “After talking it over with the big guy up here, I have decided to forgo my eighth year in paradise and enter into the 2011 NFL Draft,” Graham said in a statement released by an angel moonlighting as an agent for deceased athletes. “The Browns suck; the overall talent in the NFL is getting worse by the season; Goodell wants to increase the number of games; and there is talk that there may be a team in London someday. WTF?! I have to come back and try to straighten some of this out.” Upon joining the Cleveland Browns in 1946, Graham played quarterback and lead the team to the league championship game in each of his ten seasons, winning on seven occasions. He’s hoping the Browns will trade up from the sixth pick in the draft to take him. “If the fans thought I was good before, they should see me now that I am immortal,” he said. “I may look 82 years old, but I never get tired or injured, so I’m hoping the club will take a chance on me.” Representatives of the Cleveland Browns declined to comment.

Shurmur to Have ‘Zero’ Input on Draft

admin — Sun, 10 Apr 2011 19:26:13 +0000

There are two key things that head coach Pat Shurmur is learning about Mike Holmgren:
1) he doesn’t want him to speak unless spoken to, and 2) even then he should shut his pretty little pie-hole.
The gloriously direct President of the Cleveland Browns took the podium in Berea on Saturday, just weeks before the draft, to tell reporters that Coach Shurmur would have “zero” input on draft day decisions. This made for a somewhat awkward press conference, since Shurmur was sitting directly to his left. When asked by reporters to elaborate, Holmgren had this to say: “I don’t even want him there. For starters, the fans in Cleveland have no idea who the hell Pat is. Secondly, if I wanted to hear someone else’s opinion, other than Tom’s, I’d call about 32,000 other people before Pat. He is here to coach – pure and simple – until I feel like coaching again. I told him that on day one.” Holmgren went on to say that he is also physically bigger than Shurmur, which could come in handy, should the coach decide to “grow a pair” at any point. When reporters asked Shurmur for comment, he blinked repeatedly, looked up and Holmgren, and blinked repeatedly again – without uttering a word. That caused Holmgren to grin, rub his head, and say “good boy” under his breath. It doesn’t make sense, in the buttoned-up world of the NFL, to be so nakedly candid as Holmgren is. Reporters, who are used to covering coaches that all look and sound the same, are shaken by Holmgren’s demeanor. But he doesn’t give two shits about that either.