Brownie Man surprised fans this morning by arriving at training camp in a most unusual way – via hot air balloon. Built in the shape of an obese woman’s ass, the balloon was nearly 90 feet tall and held 110,000 cubic feet of air. The caped crusader heard a roar of cheers as he floated down to the practice field to deliver a speech in front of players and fans. The reception appeared to make Brownie Man get a little choked up. “I really didn’t plan on getting emotional,” he said. “I can’t say what this means to me. It’s just surreal. I mean, first the lockout ends, and then the Browns ask me to arrive in this, rather crude, balloon to help them open training camp. I’ve never felt so honored.” The Brown Knight went on to say that he took three practice runs leading up this morning’s main event. It went off without a hitch – except for maybe his nerves. At about 65,000 feet, his hands began to sweat and his heart began racing. Brownie Man landed on the 10-yard line near the south end zone before unhooking his harness and waving to the cheering crowd. Too bad he didn’t land in the end zone — it might have been the first and only Browns touchdown of the season. As for hot air ballooning, Brownie Man said he’s taken his last ride. “I’m glad I got an opportunity to do this, but there is no way in hell I’m going to ride that fat lady’s ass again. I can cross this off my bucket list.”

Cleveland Browns Training Camp will run from Sunday, July 31st through Tuesday August 23rd, most of which will be open to the public. August 6th is the annual “Family Torture Day”, featuring a full pads practice that begins at 2 p.m. at Cleveland Browns Stadium. All masochists and their families are invited to attend and watch the Browns begin their 2011 fight with Cincinnati for last place in the AFC North. Admission is free.

The NFL’s four-month-long lockout (a.k.a. Greed Fest 2011) is considered over and done with, as team owners and the NFLPA shook hands on a new 10-year labor deal on Monday. For the lockout to officially end, the league’s 1,900 players need to stop acting like jackasses and vote to ratify the new deal in the coming days. For most players and fans, Monday’s news came as a relief. But many Cleveland Browns fans are mourning the end of the NFL lockout. Perhaps the lockout and the hope of a lost season gave them a brief moment of peace in their otherwise stressful lives. The fact that the Browns have (yet another) new head coach, new staff members, a new offense, and a very green QB has fans wondering if they are better off taking cyanide pills before week 1. Perhaps those fans are just a bunch of bitter drunks who are stuck in 1986. Regardless, the NFL is back – and brownieman.net is ready for some football!

According to the Associated Press, Hollywood icon and diehard Cleveland Browns fan, Robert Downey Jr. wants to legally change his name to Robert BROWNIE Jr. before the start of 2011 NFL season. Downey’s attorney filed a petition in Columbus, Ohio last week seeking the change. In court documents obtained by brownieman.net, the actor cited personal reasons for the request. His publicist has since confirmed that the change was in honor of his beloved Cleveland Browns, as well as a nod to his mother Elsie’s pot brownies. Downey may be best known for his run-ins with the law and battles with drug and alcohol abuse, but now he wants to be known as a card-carrying member of the Dawg Pound. He wouldn’t be the first person to make a change to an unusual name. In 2007, a member of the Ohio National Guard legally changed his name to Optimus Prime before being deployed in the Middle East. And in the NFL, Cincinnati Bengals WR Chad Johnson changed his last name to Ochocinco in 2008. An August 14th court date was set to consider Downey’s petition.

Kathy Danna, a 38-year old accountant from Akron, has decided to give her baby up for adoption because she can’t stomach the idea of raising a child that was fathered by a hillbilly from Western Pennsylvania. The woman discovered she was pregnant just weeks after sleeping with Anthony Gale, 47, who she met at a baseball game in Pittsburgh. To add insult to injury, Danna has been married for over four years and was unsure who the father of her baby was at first. However, an ultrasound on Wednesday confirmed that the baby she is carrying is, in fact, Yinzer offspring. “The doctor showed me the ultrasound and I could see that the baby was holding a terrible towel in its hand,” she said. “I was so upset, I collapsed. My husband Rick has been a Browns fan since he was nine, so I knew Anthony had to be the father. It made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.” Danna went on to say the sexual encounter between her and Mr. Gale was a one-time thing and the result of “being severely intoxicated and making bad decisions”, but she vowed to rectify her mistake by giving her baby up for adoption. At one point during her interview Danna admitted that she briefly considered having an abortion but ultimately decided it was not in-line with her moral compass, further explaining that even Yinzers have a place in god’s world. Although her husband Rick hasn’t forgiven her for her transgressions, she hopes to smooth things over by giving him a pair of Dawg Pound tickets this season. Rick did not immediately return calls for comment, but a friend close to the situation said he’s seriously considering his wife’s offer.

They’re calling it the most disgusting thing they have ever seen. Police in Maumee, OH made a shocking discovery on Saturday afternoon. Two young children, forced at gun point to dress from head to toe in Cleveland Browns clothes, were held hostage by their father in the basement of their own home for over three years. The children were forced to watch previously recorded Cleveland Browns games every day since their father first reported them missing in 2008. Ike Thurmond, 51, has been arrested and is accused of treating his children like prisoners, under horrendous conditions. Police say the inside of the Thurmond home was filled with trash, roaches, and Browns paraphernalia. Ike Thurmond faces 346 counts, ranging from gun charges to child abuse and false imprisonment. The children were discovered just after 2pm on Saturday, when a neighbor working in his yard heard their faint cries for help. Following a swift rescue, Maumee police chief Doug Carlisle was asked if he had ever seen anything like this before. “No, this takes the cake,” he said. “I’ve been in law enforcement for 30 years, and this is the most disgusting thing I’ve seen. I mean, this sick son of a bitch made his children watch highlights from the 1999 season! The Browns were 2-14 that year, for Christ’s sake! How can you knowingly torture your own flesh and blood like that?” When police asked Thurmond why he did it, he reportedly told them it was because his kids were becoming increasingly interested in English Premier League soccer during the NFL lockout. The children are now in protective custody and will likely be placed in foster homes if their father is convicted.

The Cleveland Browns have no shortage of famous fans. Martin Mull, Drew Carey, Condoleezza Rice and others are often seen in Cleveland Browns Stadium on Sundays. But the Dawg Pound just got a little bit cooler, in a James Bond, shaken not stirred, kind of a way. In a recent interview with brownieman.net, Hollywood icon Sean Connery admitted that he is a closet Browns fan. Here is an excerpt from that conversation:

Brownieman.net: How long have you been a Browns fan?

Connery: I was born in Fountainbridge, Edinburgh. My mother, Euphamia, was a cleaning lady, and my father, Joseph, was a factory worker and truck driver. What that has to do with being a Browns fan, I don’t know. Neither of them were into sports, and we didn’t own a television. Like your Lady Gaga, I suppose I was born this way.

Brownieman.net: Do you catch many games?

Connery: Ha! I haven’t missed a snap in over 40 years. I’ve got direct TV now, you know. The last few years have been hard to swallow, haven’t they? I look for the bright spots here and there, but when things go poorly I often wonder what would I do if I were coaching the team.

Brownieman.net: Well, what would you do?

Connery: Put the fear of god in the players, for starters. (laughs)

Brownieman.net: How?

Connery: Well, I’d start by putting on the outfit I wore during the filming of Zardoz in 1974. It was an orange number that looked like a cross between a bandito vest and an adult diaper. I’d pair that with some thigh-high brown boots and a braid that stretches down to my nipples.

Brownieman.net: How exactly would that put the fear of god into them?

Connery: Clearly, you haven’t seen the movie. It was set in the future – at a time when Earth is divided into two camps: the barely civilized group and the overly civilized one with mental powers. A plague is attacking the second group, after which its members cease to have any interest in life and become nearly catatonic. I played Zed, a barbarian who crossed over, threatening the tenuous balance of the world.

Brownieman.net: I’m sorry, I don’t follow. Can you answer the fuckin question in English, please?

Connery: I think if I dress like an armed pervert from 1974, and wave a gun around a little bit, it might inspire the players to perform better.

Brownieman.net: I see. The classic threat of violence. Well, I guess it’s worth a try. How do you feel about the lockout situation?

Connery: The same way you do, I suppose. Fame and fortune offer no special comfort from the frustration those greedy bastards are causing.

Brownieman.net: Good point. We’re all looking forward to the 2011 season. What’s the worst that could happen?

Connery: My friends could continue to tease me for being a Browns fan, or worse yet, express sympathy. But you know what I say? Fuck them! I still believe that, in my lifetime, I’ll see the Browns win a Super Bowl. But I’m 81, so they’d better get going. (laughs)

Brownieman.net: That was a rhetorical question, Sean.

At brownieman.net, we laugh because the only other alternative is to cry. And we recently celebrated our second birthday! For over two years, we’ve been entertaining Browns fans and making new friends by acting like jagoffs. Too bad we accidentally deleted our website archives! Not to worry though – we fired the guy responsible for that and there’s plenty more to come. Thank you for stopping by and for all your support over the last couple of years. Your feedback has helped make this site what it is today. Be sure to share your pictures, videos, and stories with Brownie Man on Facebook, and as always, GO BROWNS!

Team President Mike Holmgren sure knows how to woo a fan base. First came the ring of honor; then he fired Mangini. Now the big man is greasing the wheels even more by sending all 2011 season ticket holders a special Valentine’s Day gift: A Cleveland Browns chocolate robot. The Fox Sports “Cleatus the Robot Action Figure” comes in three different varieties: dark chocolate, milk chocolate, and white chocolate – but the recipients won’t know which one they get until it arrives at their front door. “It’s something I’ve wanted to do for some time,” Holmgren said in a telephone interview. “Our fans are our lifeblood. We want them to come back next year. So I thought: fuck it! Let’s send all of our season ticket holders chocolate robots! That’ll bring ‘em back!” The 2-foot tall edible droid weighs about three and a half pounds and retails for about $24.99. “It’s the least we can do – especially since we can’t refund their money from last year,” Holmgren admitted. He went on to say that the robots move and can even dance like that asshole Ray Lewis, and he hopes the fans appreciate the teams generosity. “Even if there is no NFL season in 2011, the fans in Cleveland will have something sweet to suck on to get them through the year.”