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Fan Sentenced for Joining the Taliban

admin — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 17:24:48 +0000

Ashley Benton, a 20-year-old Browns fan from Norwalk, was captured last month while fighting for the Taliban. Benton spent her formative years in an affluent Northern Ohio community known for its love of professional football. So why did she end up training in al Qaeda camps and fighting on the Taliban front lines in Afghanistan? In interviews conducted with brownieman.net, the once seemingly typical girl revealed a painful obsession with winning and a complete mental breakdown following yet another horrific football season in Cleveland last year. That journey ended with Benton bloodied and dazed after a prison uprising last month near Mazar-e Sharif. “She’s not someone that I would have ever imagined, could pick up a gun at all,” said Frank Jackson, a Browns season ticket holder who sat next to Benton and her fiancé at every game last season. “She didn’t like the site of hotdogs with ketchup on them, so I can’t imagine her dealing well with the gruesome wounds you see in combat.” An emotionally drained Benton addressed an Ohio court at her sentencing hearing today, more than 30 days after U.S. military forces detained her in northern Afghanistan. She apologized for fighting alongside the Taliban, saying, “If I had I realized then what I know now, I never would have joined them. The fact that my beloved Cleveland Browns suck ass has nothing to do with religious jihads. I think I was just looking for an outlet for my frustration – so I turned to Osama Bin Laden for help.” Although she avoided prison time, Benton was sentenced to 20 years of being a Lions fan as part of her plea agreement.

Yinzer Prank Goes Horribly Wrong

admin — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 13:30:46 +0000

What are commonly referred to as silly teenage pranks can sometimes have serious consequences. Pittsburgh resident Randy Kennedy experienced that first-hand last season while visiting Cleveland for a game against his archrival. Kennedy, a life-long Steelers fan, was severely injured last December when one of his brilliant yinzer friends dared him to run through the Muni Lot in an Art Modell costume, waving a terrible towel and screaming obscenities at Browns fans He made it all of about 25 yards into the lot before several thousand tailgaters beat him to a bloody pulp. Kennedy, who barely escaped with his life, has since tried to prosecute the ring leaders of the beat-down. He suffered a fractured skull, a broken jaw and later developed pneumonia. As a result, he had to spend 100 days in an intensive care unit and undergo four major surgeries to fix his injuries. However, on Monday afternoon, a Cleveland judge ruled that Kennedy was a natural born dumbass and utterly insane for even attempting such a stunt – clearing the Browns fans of all charges. “Young people must think about the consequences of their actions,” he said up upon issuing the ruling. “Hopefully this incident will stand as an example to show young towel waving morons like Mr. Kennedy what a thoughtless act, perceived by them as a funny joke, can do in real life.”

And the Winner Is….PUMPKINHEAD!

admin — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 23:42:00 +0000

Last week Brownie Man asked the readers of this site to prove they were die-hard Browns fans by sending in their pictures and telling him why they think they should be awarded a special surprise gift. Some people wrote poems; some showed off their Browns tattoos; and some even stooped so low as to try bribe the Brown Knight. After a week of semi-disturbing emails and hours of well needed therapy, Brownie Man has decided that the winner is Gus Angelone, a.k.a. PUMPKINHEAD! Take one look at him and you can see why. Gus can’t get enough of the Cleveland Browns! The man clearly had to rob a bank or spend his children’s college funds to afford his killer costume. He has taken it one step further by purchasing an RV that is covered in orange and brown – complete with a picture of his alter ego. This puts him among the ranks of some of the most famous (and infamous) Browns fans in the world. But his getup and his vehicle are not the only thing that got him to the Promised Land. It was the following quote from his submission last week, “My wife is so embarrassed when I put on my outfit, she says I’m an attention whore.” This is something that Brownie Man can relate to, as some people have questioned the motivation behind his madness. But in reality, it is quite simple – we love our Cleveland Browns. By the way – Many people forget that Brownie Man started off wearing brown pantyhose and an orange Speedo – so trust me, Mrs. Pumpkinhead has it easy! Bravo to Gus Angelone for his courage and his insane worship of his beloved team! He is setting the bar high for the rest of Brownie Nation. As a reward for his effort, Gus received a $30 gift certificate to the Cleveland Browns Team Shop. Hopefully he’ll find something nice for that RV, or perhaps even his embarrassed wife. Brownie Man would like to thank everyone who participated. It’s always a pleasure to connect with fellow Browns fans. He would love to award each and every participant, but let’s face it: being a super hero with no actual super powers does not pay that well. Congratulations Pumpkinhead and GO BROWNS!!

Brownie Man to Reward One Lucky Fan

admin — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 18:40:44 +0000

Do you consider yourself a die-hard Browns fan? Is it causing problems with your marriage or your productivity at work? Well the Brown Knight may reward your bad behavior! He is giving away a very special surprise gift to one lucky Browns fan. In order to be eligible to win, all you need to do is send him an email to brownknight32@gmail.com with your picture (in Browns gear) and a brief message telling him why you should be the chosen one. Brownie Man will select the winner on Friday, February 5th, and the winner will be featured on our website. So get off your ass, stop doing work at work, and tell your wife to go fly a kite. You have a reward to claim! GO BROWNS!

Fans Claim Holmgren Is Christ

admin — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 17:49:47 +0000

He doesn’t have a beard, he has a mustache. Instead of long brown hair, he has a short tuft that looks like the fur of a dead raccoon. And with his flowing linen robes and beatific smile he certainly does resemble a holy man. But to his believers from Brownie Nation, Mike Holmgren, a former history teacher, is the literal reincarnation of Jesus Christ. Holmgren, 61, is the spiritual leader of at least 5,000 devoted Dawg Pound members, among them intellectuals, artists and professionals who flock to worship the team on Sundays. He is just the latest example of Cleveland’s love of ‘personality cults’ – an obsession that leads back all the way to the days of the Kardiac Kids. Many fans claim something awoke inside them when Holmgren was announced as Cleveland’s new football Czar, a mere 2,000 years after he was first crucified. Holmgren says he realized that God had sent him to Earth to teach mankind about the evils of Pittsburgh and the havoc Lerner was wreaking on the team. His followers, who have given up their lives to follow him, are strict vegans and are banned from smoking and drinking or handling money. Whether or not he wins over the skeptics remains to be seen. His ability to turn Gatorade into bourbon is pretty cool though. Even if you’re a non-believer.

Delusional Man Still Believes in Santa

admin — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 22:01:40 +0000

Darren Jacobs is just like every 33 year old Browns fan – a little overweight, a lover of pornography, and very much an alcoholic. But one thing sets Darren apart from the rest – he still believes in Santa Claus. Since 1999, Jacobs has asked Saint Nick for “a real football team” but every year he gets a 12 pack of multi-colored tube socks and some cheap Walgreen’s after shave from his deadbeat parents. Someone needs to tell this poor bastard that Santa does not exist before it is too late. We don’t need another serial killer in Cleveland, and it doesn’t take a professional chimney sweep to determine that it is impossible for an obese man in a red suit to go down a chimney. If you know Darren Jacobs, or anyone like him, please do your part this holiday season and tell him there is no happy ending to this season and that Santa is not listening to him because he is busy NOT EXISTING!

Browns Mailbag: Ray Lewis’ Prediction

admin — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 20:21:05 +0000

Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis said today that the Browns “don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell” of winning on Monday night, when they host the Baltimore Ravens. Really Ray? Did you come to that conclusion on your own? Because virtually every NFL football analyst out there has picked the Browns to win by fifty points! Clearly, you’ll make a great fortune teller when your playing days are over. What’s next? Are you going to predict that taxes are going to increase or that we’ll see a black president take office in our lifetime? Why don’t you stick to what you know best: jumping around like an idiot before games and stabbing people after Super Bowl celebrations. – John Davis (Akron, OH)

Fan Has Bear-Shaped Brain Tumor

admin — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 13:27:32 +0000

Jim Platt, a lifelong Bears fan, has been diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor shaped like a bear’s head, doctors confirmed this week. The growth, which is on the outside of his skull, first appeared during the 2007 pre-season. The prognosis appears uncertain at best for the last surviving brother of the Platt family, who has had an enormous presence at Soldier Field for the last two decades. The announcement was made three days after Platt was stricken at the family’s Mount Prospect (IL) home. Doctors conducted a battery of tests, including a biopsy of the bear head tumor, and identified the cancerous mass as the cause of his bizarre complexion. “I always thought the bear head was part of his game day costume – and I thought the change in his skin tone was actually face paint. I had no idea Jim was really sick,” his wife Michelle said on Thursday. The news sent shockwaves across Chicagoland. Many of his tailgating friends were visibly shaken, some tearing up, but they also expressed their hope for the best possible outcome. ‘‘The usual course of treatment includes a bear trap, radiation and chemotherapy,’’ said Dr. Mark Schwam, a neurologist who is working with Platt. But he added that decisions about the best course of treatment would be made after more tests and analysis. In the meantime, Jim Platt has decided to carry on with his everyday life. And he intends to be in the stands this Sunday to watch the Bears battle the Cleveland Browns.

Fans Wear Masks to Hide Pain

admin — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 15:12:27 +0000

Scores of Browns fans are creating paper bag masks, in preparation for the Packers game this Sunday in Cleveland. Among the embarrassed fans are Rory Ward, 28, John Boyles, 29, and several dozen members of the infamous Dawg Pound section. “It’s one thing to watch our favorite team get the crap kicked out of them on a regular basis – but it’s another thing to watch it through the eyeholes of a paper bag mask that you painted yourself,” Ward said. “It’s a little comforting to be able to hide your face in public.” Designing the perfect paper bag mask is an art form, according to Boyles. “It takes a lot of time to learn the intricate scissor work and to get the color of the paint just right,” he said. Ward, a native of Huron, says he’s excited about this weekend’s game, but cannot imagine the Browns losing yet again. He has been a Browns fan all his life, and credits his father with helping him blossom into an expert paper bag mask-maker. The Browns host the Green Bay Packers at 1pm on Sunday – and at least 12 Giant Eagle stores in Northeast Ohio have reported that they have completely run out of brown paper bags as a result of Cleveland’s dismal start.

Cheeseheads Invade Cleveland

admin — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 14:08:41 +0000

The city of Cleveland is roaring in anticipation of Sunday’s showdown against the Green Bay Packers. There’s a stench in the air along the Cuyahoga River – it’s the smell of Limburger cheese. Parked between an old tire factory and an abandoned warehouse, two Packers fans are lurking. Dave Nye and his redneck brother Kip began tailgating there early Monday morning. “Me and Kip wanna be good and drunk by kickoff, so we like to get an early start,” Dave said through a hideous set of teeth. “We chose this spot by the river so we have a place to wash up in the mornin.” Kip noted that he has a ritual of carving the opposing teams mascot out of a wheel of cheese before each game for good luck.”It’s been pretty successful,” he said. “Although there’s been a few times that it attracted critters to our camp site.” The Browns take on the Packers at 1pm on Sunday. Dave and Kip will be there, wearing dairy products on their head.