According to the Associated Press, Brady Quinn has been keeping himself busy this offseason with the hope of landing the starting job in 2010. On Sunday, he was working out in Denver with former NFL quarterback John Elway. During a 90-minute session, Quinn, who was dressed in full-pads, practiced flopping on his back repeatedly. Some of the collisions appeared violent and rather painful. When questioned about what the drill was all about, Quinn had this to say, “Let’s face it, I’m going to be running for my life again this season if we don’t improve the offensive line, so I have to get better at taking sacks. If I have to go down, I want to look good doing it, ya know?” Quinn went on to tell reporters that he was working with Elway on his fundamentals since he is a bit of an expert in that department. Elway holds the NFL record for career sacks at 516. About 494 of them occurred when the Broncos played the Browns in the late 1980’s….or at least it seemed that way.

The son of Browns’ nose tackle Shaun Rogers was kidnapped by several armed men at the family’s hotel in Mumbai (India) a police spokesman said on Monday. At least four armed men drove to the Mumbai Marriott in an SUV, burst inside and pointed weapons at Rogers and his family – taking his son Tyson and leaving the rest of the family tied up. They were later freed by a member of the hotel’s staff, and appeared to be unharmed. The 18-month-old boy is widely considered the top defensive line recruit in the 2031 NFL draft, and many Browns fans hope to someday see him playing alongside his father on the team’s defensive line. The kidnappers are asking for $3,000,000 for his safe return.

Cleveland Browns running back Jamal Lewis said he’s frustrated by another losing season and believes Brownie Man is not making things any easier for the team. Lewis, who intends to retire after this season, said today that he doesn’t like to see the team be made fun of. “There’s talent everywhere in this locker room,” he said before practice. “I understand we’re 1-7 and that we’re an easy target, but this dude dresses up in a cape and tights. What is he, 35? We should be making fun of him.” Lewis went on to say that he is sick of everything and is ready to retire from football. It must be rough making millions of dollars for doing jack shit. The Browns host Baltimore on Sunday.

Former Cleveland Browns receiver Braylon Edwards has filed a request for a temporary restraining order in a US District Court against brownieman.net, claiming that the website “makes fun of him too much”. Edwards, who is now a member of the New York Jets, wrote in his filing that he seeks a restraining order against the “Brownie Man and members of Brownie Man’s Facebook Army.” When filing the complaint, Braylon’s attorney added, “The defendants have put too much pressure on Mr. Edwards and expected far too much of him on and off the field.” But this isn’t the first time that Edwards has filed for a restraining order. He did so as part of a lawsuit against NFL linebacker Ray Lewis, alleging that he had ties to Al Qaeda. He didn’t win that case. He also unsuccessfully sued Martha Stuart, Former President George W. Bush, and Britney Spears for reasons unbeknownst to the public. He lost all of those cases as well, so we like our chances here. Viva la Brownie Man!!

When walking into Cleveland Browns Stadium next year, it will be impossible not to notice the 17-foot tall statue outside the Southeast entrance. A 30-foot wide, white fiberglass “Hands of Stone” monument will be erected to commemorate the five, less-than stellar seasons that Braylon Edwards spent with the Browns. The statue will honor Edwards’ unique ability to drop passes that are right on the money, but it will also serve as a warning to all current and future players. The message is clear: If you suck, you will be immortalized for it in Cleveland. The statue will be displayed on a granite podium and Mums of different colors will be planted around it.

Braylon Edwards, the Browns’ pseudo number one receiver for the past several years, was traded to the New York Jets this week. The price? Thirty-six C-IN2 classic jockstraps, in Regatta Blue. The straps have a 100% cotton pouch, an ultra plush 2 ½-inch microfiber logo waistband, and dual microfiber ass straps. The new design brings the latest in fabric technology and 21st century design to the Browns’ locker room. The straps are also GAURANTEED not to drop balls, start fights at night clubs, or drive 130 miles an hour on the highway. Edwards was originally supposed to be traded for another player and draft picks, but Mangini thought this was a better deal. This isn’t the first time the Browns made an odd deal for a player. Once, they tried to trade Kevin Mack for 1500 plastic seats. What does Edwards think of this deal? “I don’t really care,” he said. “It’ll make a better story if I make it to the hall of fame. It’s the quarterback’s fault anyway.” Good luck in New York, B.E.

The Cleveland Browns have burst out of the gate this season to an astounding 0-3 record. The team has had to work hard to be outscored 95-29 in those three games and it is no secret that they have managed to score only one offensive touchdown in their past nine games dating to last season. After the benching of Brady Quinn last week, Anderson came in to save the day. He went on to complete 11 of 19 passes for 92 yards and three interceptions. Brownieman.net was able to reach Anderson for comment, “I felt like I went out there and did what I can do,” Anderson said. “I don’t think I’m going to actually win games this season, but I know I can set the all-time franchise record for interceptions…which is quite an accomplishment. I’ll continue to telegraph passes and force throws into triple coverage until the record is all mine.” Anderson will get a chance to do just that this weekend as the starting QB against the Bengals.

Kyle Orton was 19-of-37 for 263 yards and a touchdown as Denver defeated the Cleveland Browns, 27-6, at INVESCO Field on Sunday. The Broncos have won the season’s first two games for the third straight year, as well as their 10th consecutive home opener. But perhaps the most memorable part of the game was the second half, when Orton took the field wearing only a helmet. “The game was too close for comfort at halftime, so I thought to myself ‘What can I do to distract the Browns defense?’ That’s when the idea came to me,” said Orton after the game. Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels said he had nothing to do with Orton disrobing, but he noted that it was an act of sure brilliance. “We are not a good football team and we know we have to do whatever it takes week in and week out to win games. Kyle’s decision to go out there with his junk hanging out for the whole world to see…..that is the definition of a team player,” he said, holding back tears. Brady Quinn was 18-of-31 for 161 yards for the Browns (0-2), who dropped their eighth straight game dating back to last November. “Obviously, I’m very disappointed about the game,” said Browns head coach Eric Mangini. “We weren’t expecting to see Orton’s junk in the second half and I think it scared the sh*t out of some of the guys. But when adversity strikes, we have to do a better job to be able to respond to it.” The Browns hope to regroup this week before traveling to Baltimore to play the Ravens next Sunday.

After years of denial and evasion, Brett Favre has admitted to brownieman.net that he is an old hillbilly. The Vikings QB, who recently came out of retirement for a record 32nd time, will appear on the cover of Redneck Times magazine, due to be published on Sunday. “Yes I am a hillbilly,” the cover of the magazine reads. “I cannot be a role model if I lie or hide this any longer.” This admission brings to an end years of speculation over the QB’s ancestry. “At one time, Favre was one of the bright lights of the NFL but he has since faded into obscurity. If it wasn’t for the speculation about his hillbilly-ness, I doubt anyone would care about him at all,” said Andrew Bassett, a life-long Vikings fan. While Favre is likely to insist that his admission has nothing to do with his career, there is little doubt that it will project him far from the hills of Mississippi and into the media spotlight once again. The Vikings open the regular season next week in Cleveland.

New Browns coach Eric Mangini says his punter competition is far from over. But veteran Dave Zastudil and newcomer Jakub Krzynowek are ready to strut their stuff again in the upcoming game against the Tennessee Titans. “What I want to see is toughness from these two. I want to see them kick the sh*t out of the ball tonight,” Mangini said. “Lord knows they are going to have plenty of opportunities.” Last week, Krzynowek outplayed Zastudil, but both looked far from improving on last year’s 4-12 mark. Krzynowek, the fan favorite, is a former soccer star in his native Poland. His boyish good looks and goofy accent are a particular hit with female fans. Zastudil, the incumbent punter, has less of a huddle presence but has a particularly strong ankle. Although the regular season is just two weeks away, Mangini has set no timetable for his decision.