During the offseason, Browns second year quarterback Colt McCoy decided he needed some help learning the team’s new West Coast offense – especially since the lockout prevented him from meeting with the coaching staff. So McCoy packed his bags and headed to Hattiesburg, Mississippi to pick the brain of 3-time NFL MVP and Wrangler spokesman, Brett Favre. Following practice today, McCoy described, in detail, the time he shared this summer with Favre, who seems to have finally retired for good. McCoy said the pair of quarterbacks — the graying gunslinger and his eager protégé – immersed themselves in learning.”I learned a lot,” McCoy said, “He even taught me how to pee-pee in a big boy potty, so I can’t thank him enough for the time he spent with me. I have a much better grasp of the offense and I’ll be more comfortable during games this season, now that I don’t have to wear Pampers anymore.” The news came as a surprise to many Browns fans, some of whom wondered if Favre helped him go number two as well. “We didn’t even go there,” McCoy said, laughing. “We just talked football and limited the restroom instruction to number one. He really helped me though. The guy has been peeing like a big boy for almost 40 years, so he’s a great resource to have and I appreciate him being willing to spend a couple of days with me to help me out. He even gave me a free pair of Wranglers! Check these bad boys out!” Calls to Favre seeking comment were not immediately returned.

According to NFL source, veteran running back and Bob Marley super-fan Ricky Williams has agreed to a rather unconventional, and downright felonious, two-year deal with the Baltimore Ravens. The team will announce the deal on Monday, pending Williams passing a physical. Instead of getting paid millions of dollars, the running back worked out a deal between the Ravens and his long time drug dealer to pay him $2.5 million dollars worth of marijuana in 2011. The contract could also include some escalators that would increase his compensation to $4 million worth of pot, the source told brownieman.net. The 34-year-old Williams has 9,565 yards rushing in 131 career games. Not bad for someone who admittedly smoked his weight in weed before each game. In 2010, he rushed for 673 yards for the Miami Dolphins while sharing the football and his bong with Ronnie Brown. Williams had been with the Dolphins since 2002, longer than any other player on their roster. His longevity is a surprise considering he retired for a season in 2004 to spend time working for a Columbian drug cartel. He then had a brief stint as Editor in Chief for High Times magazine and played in only one NFL game in 2006-07.

Ben Roethlisberger has officially turned in his “playah card” and says he is no longer interested in nightclubs or forced sexual encounters with female fans. The Pittsburgh Steeler QB drugged fellow Yinzer Ashley Harlan, a 26-year-old gold-digger, and wed her in a private ceremony in Pittsburgh. Just a little over a year after the 29-year-old quarterback was accused of sexual assault for a second time, a source told brownieman.net that Big Ben had the city’s police at his beck and call to protect his big day. Just in case guns and badges were not enough to keep hecklers away, the two-time Super Bowl winner, who weighs in at 286 pounds, required all guests to present a special slip of paper to gain access to the church and the reception. They were also given wristbands confirming their entry once inside. But it wasn’t the over-the-top security that surprised everyone – it was the slew of Christian music artists who took part in the nuptials. Perhaps it shouldn’t have been a surprise. Roethlisberger has said he and his new spouse did not live together before marriage for “religious reasons”. Besides Roethlisberger’s teammates, the guest list included Michael Vick’s dog sitter, OJ Simpson, & Casey Anthony.

In April of this year, EA Sports announced that the face of Madden NFL 12 will be Cleveland Browns running back Peyton Hillis. It’s a nice honor for a player from a small-market team, but history has shown it’s not always a good thing to be on the Madden cover. Just take a look at what’s happened to the guys who have graced previous covers:

• 2011: Drew Brees – Was forced by EA Sports to change his last name to “Blows” in last year’s edition of the video game.
• 2010: Troy Polamalu & Larry Fitzgerald – They had to share the cover due to a tie in a “Whose Team Sucks More” contest. Polamalu went on to injure his knee while taking a dump and only played five games. Fitzgerald had a Pro Bowl season, but almost committed suicide twice when he realized he still plays for the Cardinals.
• 2009: Brett Favre – Traded to Jets and lost 4 of the last 5 games he played in; then he got busted for sending pictures of his junk to some chic.
• 2008: Vince Young – Missed one game with quad injury and went on to have a severe mental breakdown.
• 2007: Shaun Alexander – Fractured foot during a trip to the dentist and missed six games. But at least he still has perfect teeth.
• 2006: Donovan McNabb – A sports hernia caused him to miss seven games; feuded with Terrell Owens all year about whose hernia it was. Owens argued that it belonged to him.
• 2005: Ray Lewis – Broke wrist while masturbating, missed one game; After a similar incident he missed 10 games the following year.
• 2004: Michael Vick – Fractured fibula one day after video game was released, missed 11 games; went on to kill dogs for fun. Then went to prison, which was not fun.
• 2003: Marshall Faulk – Injured his ankle, missed two games, and never rushed for 1,000 yards again; got fat and became a broadcaster.
• 2002: Daunte Culpepper – the Vikings has a stellar 4-7 record before his season-ending knee injury.
• 2001: Eddie George – the former OSU star fumbled in playoffs as the top-seeded Titans lost first game to Ravens of all teams.
• 2000: Barry Sanders – Retired one week before training camp. Pissed off Madden and everyone at EA Sports, thus creating the cover curse.

Right about now, we’re thinking the NFL lockout may be the best thing that has happened to Hillis since he learned how to hurdle defensive backs.

Deja Blu, a 1,500-pound bull from the Professional Bull Riders circuit backed up his promise to let a no-talent ass-clown ride him during PBR event. NFL receiver Chad Ochocinco earned $10,000 for making it out of the chute atop the raging bull, but the ride only lasted 1.5 seconds – which many NFL experts believe is 1.5 seconds longer than he’ll be a Super Bowl champion in his lifetime. Ochocinco, who wore a fencing helmet and a Kevlar vest, fell 6.5 seconds short of the time needed to win a new Ford truck and earn the right to rename the bull after Cincinnati Bengals coach Marvin Lewis. After getting beaten like a gum chewer in Singapore, the shit-talking receiver said he would never ride a bull again.”Oh, hell no! One and done, baby.” he said. The publicity stunt was the latest for Ochocinco, whose Twitter account has nearly 2 million hillbilly followers from Kentucky. Ochocinco and Deja Blu were the feature event at intermission of the Lucas Oil Invitational, the attendance of which topped last season’s “Dollar Meth Night” promotion on July 19, 2010.

On the surface, Phil Dawson’s life as a placekicker doesn’t seem like a recipe for a New York Times best seller. But soon after the lockout began, he became restless, and decided to begin writing about his experiences on and off the field. And the rest, as they say, is history. A 350 page book was recently released by Cardinal Publishing and is written in a smooth conversational style. How to Eat Shit and Die for Dumbasses is dedicated to the Baltimore Ravens organization. Although the title suggests it is an instructional manual, the pages are really more of a collection of jokes, insults, and incoherent drunken rambling directed at a team that has dominated Phil Dawson and his teammates over the last 12 years –something that the kicker hopes to change in 2011. “I’m very proud of my book and I’m glad it’s out,” he said during a recent interview with brownieman.net. “It was therapeutic in a way. I’m so sick of those arrogant pricks and it is my sincere hope that they dine on a steaming plate of hot shit, and die shortly thereafter.” Dawson began working on the book in March, starting out by pouring through news clippings he had saved over the years. “I thought, even if nothing comes of the book, the information will be in a form that my friends and family could read and enjoy for themselves.” It only took two months to piece the story together and the process “helped me heal and get fired up for next season, assuming there is one,” Dawson said. In the meantime, the kicker is now at work on his second book (dedicated to the Pittsburgh Steelers). It is tentatively titled, Burn in Hell, After You Die From Septic Shock.

Pittsburgh Steelers’ running back Rashard Mendenhall has created a real shit storm with comments he made on his Twitter page regarding Osama bin Laden’s death. He recently tweeted: “What kind of person celebrates death? It’s amazing how people can HATE a man they have never even heard speak. We’ve only heard one side.” Mendenhall didn’t hold back, even making a reference to the Sept. 11 attacks. “We’ll never know what really happened. Ya’ll just tryin to blame Osama because he’s the face of terrorism, but you don’t know he did it,” he tweeted. Due to the stupidity of his comments, his current employer felt compelled to act. On Tuesday, Pittsburgh Steelers president Art Rooney II released a statement. “I have not spoken with Rashard, so it is hard to explain or even comprehend what he meant with his recent Twitter comments. The entire Steelers organization thinks he is a moron, and clearly playing a game while making millions of dollars does not qualify him to be an expert on terrorism or efforts to stop it. We are very proud of the job our military personnel have done and we can only hope this leads to our troops coming home soon.” Rooney later admitted that he had no idea what tweets were, prior to Mendenhall’s ill-advised comments, but he said he plans to have him do shuttle runs at Heinz Field, “until his lungs bleed”. Mendenhall is coming off a tremendous season, as he led the AFC chumps in carries, rushing yards, and rushing touchdowns. Mendenhall’s string of tweets ended around 6 p.m. on Monday. He has not tweeted since. Praise be to Allah!

A little more than seven years after dying of a heart aneurysm in Sarasota, Florida, former Browns great Otto Graham announced today that he would forego the afterlife and “test the waters” of the NFL draft. “After talking it over with the big guy up here, I have decided to forgo my eighth year in paradise and enter into the 2011 NFL Draft,” Graham said in a statement released by an angel moonlighting as an agent for deceased athletes. “The Browns suck; the overall talent in the NFL is getting worse by the season; Goodell wants to increase the number of games; and there is talk that there may be a team in London someday. WTF?! I have to come back and try to straighten some of this out.” Upon joining the Cleveland Browns in 1946, Graham played quarterback and lead the team to the league championship game in each of his ten seasons, winning on seven occasions. He’s hoping the Browns will trade up from the sixth pick in the draft to take him. “If the fans thought I was good before, they should see me now that I am immortal,” he said. “I may look 82 years old, but I never get tired or injured, so I’m hoping the club will take a chance on me.” Representatives of the Cleveland Browns declined to comment.

Now that NFL owners have officially locked out the players, there are no meetings to go to; no weights to lift; no playbooks to study. Many of the younger athletes are bored to tears, but some veterans are still finding ways to keep themselves busy. Such is the case with Browns’ linebacker Scott Fujita. Just a few days after learning about the lockout, Fujita spent twelve hours at a local tattoo parlor getting a tattoo on his stomach. The subject of the tatt? His recently deceased cat, Wiggles. “I wanted to make sure I remember him every time I get undressed,” he said during an interview with brownieman.net. Fujita, 31, decided to make his body the site of a permanent tribute to his best friend, who died of kidney failure in late 2010. The artwork features the fun-loving Calico from behind, which Fujita says symbolizes him ‘scampering his way to heaven’. Wiggles is fondly remembered by other Browns players – but some of Fujita’s teammates questioned his judgement, including cornerback Joe Haden. “I can understand a man getting inked up when a friend or relative dies. But we’re talking about a cat here,” he said on Monday. “I mean, I have a locker right next to him – and now I gotta see his cat’s ass before every game?! That’s just nasty.” Haden went on to say that he’s actually looking forward to a nice, long lockout.

The NFL officially announced a lockout of players by team owners, following the move by the NFLPA to dissolve themselves and pursue court action against the league. Typically, a lockout closes down all league activities and halts dealings between players and clubs. But this year’s lockout is different in that it is focused solely on special teams. The NFL issued a statement saying that only punters will be locked out – a gesture many NFL insiders believe is the first step in renewing talks with the player’s union. “We’ve decided to lockout punters because we’re pissed and wanted to lock SOMEONE out. Let’s see teams try to win games without fucking punters! That’s like trying to drive a car without windshield wiper fluid,” the statement said. However, the NFLPA – also known for playing hardball – issued a statement of their own upon hearing news of the partial lockout. “Let’s face it, half the fans don’t know who these guys are anyway. It’s not like your kid is running around the fucking playground wearing a Ryan Succop jersey,” a player representative said. “So this partial lockout is a load of shit.” Whether or not the lockout can be enforced will ultimately be decided by the courts, but there remains the risk that the 2011 season could be disrupted.