» Players

One More Pre-draft Cheap Shot

admin — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 20:31:04 +0000

Ben Responds to News of Punishment

admin — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 18:58:44 +0000

Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger read a short statement from the locker room at the team’s facility today, in order to address Roger Goodell’s decision to suspend him for six games. Here is the statement in its entirety: “As most of you know, I have made some bad decisions in the last couple of years. I don’t intend to discuss the details, but suffice it to say, my uh….transgressions make Tiger Woods look like Saint Eldrick of Orlando. I am truly sorry for the negative attention I have caused my family and my team. It’s just that….well, the music was loud at the club….and I thought ‘no’ meant ‘sure, do whatever you want’…and really this is just a huge misunderstanding. As was the previous incident in Nevada. Anyway, I am truly sorry. But I think the fans need to keep this in perspective. I may be a rapist….but at least I didn’t kill no dogs. Thank you.” After reading the statement, Roethlisberger turned and walked away. Many NFL experts expect him to be traded within the hour.

A Tribute to Our Favorite Yinzer

admin — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 02:19:57 +0000

Big Ben Gets Big Time Punishment

admin — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 22:24:30 +0000

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell says he has finally decided how he will punish Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger for his recent off-field troubles.”The personal conduct of every NFL player is very important to me,” Goodell said Tuesday afternoon. “So I have decided to suspend Ben for the first four regular season games, and force him to legally change his last name to ‘Date Rapist’ as sort of a scarlet letter to warn others that this kind of behavior will not be tolerated.” Goodell and Roethlisberger met for several hours on Tuesday to discuss the commissioner’s decision. Last week Roethlisberger learned he would not be charged for the alleged sexual assault of a Georgia college student, and while he faces no criminal charges, everyone and their brother knows he’s guilty as shit. Roethlisberger is also involved in a Nevada civil suit that alleges he sexually assaulted a hotel employee there over a year ago. The man simply does not understand the meaning of the words, “Ew, no! You gross me out! Stay the f*ck away from me!” Pittsburgh Steelers President, Art Rooney II, is very angry about the quarterback’s repeated problems, but he told the Associated Press that he hopes the name change will boost jersey sales, as it did in Cincinnati when Chad Johnson changed his last name to Ochocinco. Chad’s jersey change, however, was voluntary.

Rogers Arrested for Eating Handgun

admin — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 16:29:43 +0000

Cleveland Browns nose tackle Shaun Rogers was arrested Saturday at Hopkins International Airport after body scanning security equipment found a loaded gun in his stomach. Rogers, who has been known to eat inanimate objects to stave off hunger, was stopped at a security checkpoint on Concourse C when officials spotted a loaded .45-caliber handgun at the base of his stomach, police said in a statement. It was clear to law enforcement officials that Rogers ate the gun for breakfast before arriving at the airport. He was arrested at 12:15 p.m. without incident, transferred to a downtown processing center and booked for carrying a concealed weapon, a third-degree felony. Sgt. James Grondin of the Cleveland Police Department said Rogers was held in the city’s jail overnight and will remain there until Monday morning. No charges have been filed yet, police said, though the 31-year-old Rogers could face federal fines for ingesting a firearm. It’s not yet clear what Rogers told officials about the gun or whether he has a permit for it. But regardless, it is pretty stupid to eat a handgun before boarding a plane.

Another Stiller in Deep Doo Doo

admin — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 16:35:18 +0000

Another day, another crime committed by a Pittsburgh Steelers player; another lawsuit by the victim; and another black eye for an organization already known for its hideous black jerseys. This time, the accused is wide receiver and marijuana enthusiast Santonio Holmes, who told police this week that a woman called him the “N” word the same night he was accused of attacking her with a glass. It’s a classic case of “he said, she said” involving yet another misguided Yinzer in over his head. The incident occurred at Club Rain in Orlando, where the arresting officer got conflicting stories from Holmes and the woman he allegedly assaulted. Go figure! Browniman.net contacted Pittsburgh Steelers President Art Rooney II for comment, and he had this to say, “First Big Ben and now this. Why can’t these guys sit back, collect their millions, and stay the @#$% out of trouble?!” Rooney went on to say that the team is seriously considering changing its name to the Pittsburgh Jailbirds, the Pittsburgh Lawsuits, or the Pittsburgh “no more titles for 50 years because our players are f*cking morons”. We think the last one has a nice ring to it.

Big Ben in Big Trouble (Again)

admin — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 17:59:35 +0000

Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has been accused of yet another sexual assault – this time by a young woman in Pennsylvania. The alleged incident occurred late last night at Yinz Guys Bar N’ That – a club in Pittsburgh that is a magnet for white trash. Roethlisberger and his entourage were there to celebrate St. Patrick’s day. The latest accusation comes on the heels of similar incidents in Georgia and Nevada. According to police, the alleged victim was treated at a local hospital and released. We’re told Ben Roethlisberger has already been interviewed by police and maintains he is a kind, non-violent sex addict. Roethlisberger told police that he is in an in-patient facility and is currently rooming with Tiger Woods. No formal charges have been filed at this point, but in related news, the Pittsburgh Steelers still suck.

BQ Traded to Denver for Guacamole

admin — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 16:17:02 +0000

The Broncos were not thrilled with Kyle Orton’s 2009 performance. And after a week-long vacation in Mexico, Mike Holmgren developed an addiction to Mexican food. As a result, Brady Quinn was traded to Denver for a large bowl of guacamole and a bags of tortilla chips. “They just wanted some guac, which is good because we weren’t willing to part with anyone on our roster…not for Quinn.” Broncos General Manager said today. According to Peapod.com, a 16oz. tub of organic guacamole runs about $7.95, which seems more than fair for a former first round draft pick out of Notre Dame. Because Denver did not have the guacamole on-hand, they offered the Browns cash – which Holmgren called “an insult”. The guacamole trade wasn’t the first time the Browns tried some creative deal-making. In 1999, they tried to acquire a wide receiver for 1,500 orange seats when they built Cleveland Browns Stadium. As for Quinn, who did not return a call for comment, he’s scheduled to visit Denver next week

Browns Set World Record for Shitty QB’s

admin — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 15:19:49 +0000

All it took was 11 years of being back in the NFL and several horrible drafts for the Browns to join the Guiness Book of World Records. The team has signed former Panthers QB Jake Delhomme to a two-year deal this week, signaling the end of Brady Quinn’s time in Cleveland. Terms were not disclosed, but a team source said Delhomme will make $7 million — a starter’s salary — in 2010. His signing breaks the old world record of 3,200 shitty starting QB’s set in the 1960’s by the New Orleans Saints. But that is not where the story ends. Because Delhomme is 35, the Browns are poised to set another world record: Most INT’s by a former pro-bowl quarterback in a single miserable season. Delhomme is looking to break his own mark, which he set in 2009. God help us all.

Anderson Released, To Join the UFC

admin — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 14:45:30 +0000

With a roster bonus imminent, and Cleveland having just traded for Seattle QB Seneca Wallace, the Browns released former Oregon St. quarterback Derek Anderson. The QB had a standout season in 2007, which proved to be just a flash in the pan. According to a source close to Anderson, the former QB plans to become a UFC fighter in order to take his frustrations out on someone else’s face. Making the move from the football field to the Octagon is a tough feat but Anderson thinks his wrestling experience in middle school has prepared him well. However, his girlfriend is concerned about his desire to fight – and she should be. Former NFL wide receiver Johnnie Morton tried MMA back in 2007. He was knocked out in 39 seconds. Lorenzo Fertitta, CEO of the UFC, hopes to lure Brady Quinn – another Browns QB – into the ring to spar with Anderson in an effort to boost TV ratings in Northeast Ohio. Quinn, however, has refused to comment on the idea.