Colt McCoy may have put his hard-living Texas Longhorn days behind him, but he’s not above getting down and dirty when he feels like he’s been provoked. During a recent interview on ESPN’s Countdown Daily, McCoy allegedly backhanded reporter Sarah Lange when she asked why the hell he was wearing a foam cowboy hat. According to a witness, the violence occurred 10 seconds into their interview. Recalling the incident, Lange said, “I thought his hat was some sort of prank. When I asked him about it, he told me he would ‘be my huckleberry’ – whatever the hell that means. The next thing I know, he bitch-slapped me.” McCoy, apparently unsatisfied with the blow, told Lange, “You’re lucky I’m a Christian.” Some say the feud between McCoy and Lange dates back to 2008, when Lange called him ‘Kevin’ several times on the air and said his performance in a college bowl game was a mere 2 out of 5 stars. McCoy demanded a public apology from Lange, but the reporter told him to ‘get bent’. According to police, no charges have been filed.

The Cleveland Browns have already started to make room on their offseason roster. On Wednesday afternoon, coach Shurmur and a few of his henchmen made their way through the team weight room in Berea, cutting several “expendable” players with a 3-inch box cutter. This is apparently the way the new staff plans to let players know their services are no longer needed. But only one big name headlined the list of victims.

The AP reported that defensive tackle Shaun Rogers was among five Browns to be slashed on the arms, legs, and buttocks by coach Shurmur before being notified of their release. Also on the cut list: linebacker Eric Barton, linebacker David Bowens, tight end Robert Royal, and tackle John St. Clair.

Some of the attacks came as no surprise. They were “Mangini guys” and their production no longer matched their salary, making them easy prey for the armed and angry coach. Bowens and Barton may not have fit in the team’s new defense, but Rogers’ release is more notable. The Browns clearly believed he was no longer worth all the bullshit, considering his $5.5 million salary and shaky health.

All of the victims of the attack survived but are pretty pissed off. It is unclear if Shurmur and his men will be brought up on formal charges. As far as we can tell, the team has simply moved on. It will be interesting to see if teams show interest in signing the wounded players before a possible work stoppage.

He’s one of the most recognizable faces in the NFL, and he happens to play in New York. He has a huge Nike billboard that covers the whole side of a building near Times Square, but Eli Manning came out of the closet today and admitted he is a die-hard Browns fan. After years of keeping quiet about his personal life, Manning felt enough was enough.

“I am proud to say that I am a Cleveland Browns fan,” Eli said in a message posted on his official website. “I am very blessed to be who I am.”Manning said writing his memoir and thinking about his time in New York led him to go public.

“To keep living a lie, and act like I give a shit about the Giants as I did up until today would be to indirectly diminish the glow that my kids were born with. So today is my day, this is my time, and this is my moment,” he wrote.

“These years in silence and reflection made me stronger and reminded me that acceptance has to come from within and that this kind of truth gives me the power to conquer emotions I didn’t even know existed,” he continued. “What will happen now? It doesn’t matter. The Giants organization can suck it, and Goodell can fine me. I don’t care. A weight has been lifted from my shoulders.”

Manning went on to say that he attended Browns games as a child and occasionally gets a chance to see them play when his team has a buy week – although he admits there hasn’t been much to cheer about lately. “The word “happiness” takes on a new meaning for me as of today. It has been a very intense process. Every word that I write in this letter is born out of love, acceptance, detachment and real contentment. I love the Browns, good or bad.” Manning later admitted that he’s had a Bernie Kosar tattoo on his ass since 1994, something that has been difficult to hide in the locker room.

A prestigious team of doctors at the Cleveland Clinic confirmed today that Browns quarterback Colt McCoy can indeed make objects levitate. This came after weeks of speculation that it was merely an elaborate hoax by the rookie QB. During the final game of the season, several players on the sideline witnessed McCoy “pick up” a football with his mind and make it float in front of him for 3-5 seconds. When coaches were informed, they immediately sent the young QB to the hospital for tests.

When the results came back this morning, Dr. James Kauffman and his team physicists concluded that levitation is no longer just a theory in science fiction novels. However, it should also be noted that in earlier work the same team of physicists stated that invisibility cloaks are feasible. It was later determined that they we’re simply stoned and not fit to conduct any scientific work.

This discovery could ultimately lead to the Browns to draw up a number of new trick plays on offense. “Imagine the possibilities here, people,” Coach Shurmur said in an interview on Sunday. “We can run the wildcat and have Colt snap the fucking ball with his mind, halfway across the field! He could probably do it from the locker room – that would really fuck with the defense.”

The team from the Cleveland Clinic was just as excited and amazed about the discovery. However, none of the physicists seem to know what gives McCoy this unusual ability, leaving much to speculation. Half of the men believe he is an alien from outer space. Others think he is a witch that should be burned at the stake. But some think he might be Jesus Christ, or at the very least, a distant cousin of Christ. Regardless, the Cleveland Browns have a new secret weapon and seem poised for a breakout year.