After just a couple of weeks of practice, the new Browns’ offense made an impressive preseason debut Saturday night. Colt McCoy engineered two touchdowns in three possessions and the backups made them hold up in a 27-17 victory over the Green Bay Packers, making a winner of Pat Shurmur in his first exhibition game as an NFL head coach. “It was fun. It was very exciting,” Shurmur said. “Screw the regular season. This team is ready for the playoffs!” McCoy was almost perfect on his two scoring drives. He was 9-of-10 for 135 yards, tossing a 27-yard touchdown pass to Josh Cribbs and setting up a Peyton Hillis TD on a 37-yard seam pass to tight end Benjamin Watson. Although the game didn’t count for shit, the Browns players and fans seemed poised to schedule a Super Bowl victory parade in 2012. It’s worth noting though that Green Bay’s starters only played for a few minutes. That didn’t seem to matter to RB Peyton Hillis.”I can’t believe these guys won it all last year,” said Hillis, who had a 3-yard scoring run and 16 yards overall on five carries. “I can see why EA Sports picked me for the cover of Madden NFL this year.” Shurmur did nothing but add fuel to the fire. “I thought the team looked pretty damn sharp. We executed well, and put points on the board against the defending Super Bowl champs. That has to count for something. I want a bronze statue outside of Cleveland Browns stadium right fuckin now!” McCoy thought the team looked pretty good as well. “We wanted to create a tempo that would allow us to kick the shit out of Green Bay, and as you can see by the scoreboard over my shoulder there, we did just that.”

Brownie Man surprised fans this morning by arriving at training camp in a most unusual way – via hot air balloon. Built in the shape of an obese woman’s ass, the balloon was nearly 90 feet tall and held 110,000 cubic feet of air. The caped crusader heard a roar of cheers as he floated down to the practice field to deliver a speech in front of players and fans. The reception appeared to make Brownie Man get a little choked up. “I really didn’t plan on getting emotional,” he said. “I can’t say what this means to me. It’s just surreal. I mean, first the lockout ends, and then the Browns ask me to arrive in this, rather crude, balloon to help them open training camp. I’ve never felt so honored.” The Brown Knight went on to say that he took three practice runs leading up this morning’s main event. It went off without a hitch – except for maybe his nerves. At about 65,000 feet, his hands began to sweat and his heart began racing. Brownie Man landed on the 10-yard line near the south end zone before unhooking his harness and waving to the cheering crowd. Too bad he didn’t land in the end zone — it might have been the first and only Browns touchdown of the season. As for hot air ballooning, Brownie Man said he’s taken his last ride. “I’m glad I got an opportunity to do this, but there is no way in hell I’m going to ride that fat lady’s ass again. I can cross this off my bucket list.”

Cleveland Browns Training Camp will run from Sunday, July 31st through Tuesday August 23rd, most of which will be open to the public. August 6th is the annual “Family Torture Day”, featuring a full pads practice that begins at 2 p.m. at Cleveland Browns Stadium. All masochists and their families are invited to attend and watch the Browns begin their 2011 fight with Cincinnati for last place in the AFC North. Admission is free.

A 58 year-old man from Cleveland was left with blood pouring down his face after he was dive bombed by a gang of Muni Lot seagulls. Nick Church sustained deep claw wounds to his head from the attack, while mountain climbing on the shores of Lake Erie. He said he had no idea why he was targeted, but suggested the unusual behavior was probably due to their frustration over the NFL lockout. “Seagulls survive for months on tailgater’s leftovers in the Muni Lot,” Church said. “It’s their main source of food from September to January, so I think this attack was driven by frustration on their part.” When asked what was going through his mind when the attack occurred, Church said he thought he’d been hit on the head with a rock or a brick. “I staggered a bit and I looked up to see the half a dozen seagulls flying away, then the blood started coming down over my eyes and face. Clearly, they were trying to send a message.” Church was treated for deep scratch wounds at the Cleveland Clinic. According to the National Center on Birds of Prey, seagull attacks on humans are very rare and the small numbers that do happen are thought to be cases where adults are defending their young.

Happy 4th of July from your friends at brownieman.net. We hope your plans involve beer, barbecues, and bad decisions. Just remember folks: It’s all fun and games until someone loses a testicle. Viva America!

In the modern era of NFL football, the Cleveland Browns are one of only a few remaining teams not to have a professional cheerleading squad. That changed this morning when team president Mike Holmgren announced the Browns’ plan to hold open tryouts in July. “When people ask me why the Browns don’t have cheerleaders, I usually tell them to go fuck themselves. The Steelers, Giants, Bears, Lions, and Packers don’t have them, and with the exception of Detroit, they’ve all won Super Bowls,” Holmgren said. “But then I got to thinkin – season ticket sales are in the shithouse – and what better way to give them a little boost than by adding a little T&A to the mix?” Historically, the Browns have shied away from hiring cheerleaders, but have never officially said why. Many fans believe it’s because of the team’s old-school mentality (note the logo-less helmet). Others believe it is because Cleveland’s cold temperatures would prohibit the cheerleaders from showing the amount of skin that would translate to cash at the ticket office. A small group of disgruntled fans believe the real reason is because there hasn’t been anything to cheer about since 1964. Yet every year team executives are inundated with requests for the scantily-clad dressed women. Holmgren has received two such requests since the 2010 NFL season ended. “I think that shows the desire is there,” he said. “Although our IT guy told me that both requests came from the same individual. Not sure how the hell he could possibly know that, but whatever. We all know sex sells, and that’s good enough for me.”

According to the Associated Press, Hollywood icon and diehard Cleveland Browns fan, Robert Downey Jr. wants to legally change his name to Robert BROWNIE Jr. before the start of 2011 NFL season. Downey’s attorney filed a petition in Columbus, Ohio last week seeking the change. In court documents obtained by brownieman.net, the actor cited personal reasons for the request. His publicist has since confirmed that the change was in honor of his beloved Cleveland Browns, as well as a nod to his mother Elsie’s pot brownies. Downey may be best known for his run-ins with the law and battles with drug and alcohol abuse, but now he wants to be known as a card-carrying member of the Dawg Pound. He wouldn’t be the first person to make a change to an unusual name. In 2007, a member of the Ohio National Guard legally changed his name to Optimus Prime before being deployed in the Middle East. And in the NFL, Cincinnati Bengals WR Chad Johnson changed his last name to Ochocinco in 2008. An August 14th court date was set to consider Downey’s petition.

Cleveland Browns owner Randy Lerner denied a recent report that the he was unaware of the ongoing NFL labor dispute. During a press conference in Berea last week, Lerner admitted that he knows very little about the conversations surrounding the specific issues, but was aware of the work stoppage. “There’s a report circulating that I’m unaware of the current labor situation,” he said on Saturday. “That’s not entirely true. I knew that there weren’t any NFL games being played at the moment, but I thought that was because this is the offseason. I didn’t realize practices were cancelled and what not.” One reporter asked if he had been invited to participate in the negotiation sessions, to which Lerner replied, “Umm….no. I’m pretty sure I would have remembered that. But to be honest with you, I have not been paying much attention. I tend to send Mike (Holmgren) in my place to any and all NFL meetings. I prefer to spend my time counting cash, eating fish and chips, and watching Aston Villa soccer in England.” When asked how long he thought the lockout would last, Lerner asked what a lockout was. “I don’t understand the question,” he said. “Could you elaborate? If you’re looking for a key to something, you should ask maintenance, not me.”

Kathy Danna, a 38-year old accountant from Akron, has decided to give her baby up for adoption because she can’t stomach the idea of raising a child that was fathered by a hillbilly from Western Pennsylvania. The woman discovered she was pregnant just weeks after sleeping with Anthony Gale, 47, who she met at a baseball game in Pittsburgh. To add insult to injury, Danna has been married for over four years and was unsure who the father of her baby was at first. However, an ultrasound on Wednesday confirmed that the baby she is carrying is, in fact, Yinzer offspring. “The doctor showed me the ultrasound and I could see that the baby was holding a terrible towel in its hand,” she said. “I was so upset, I collapsed. My husband Rick has been a Browns fan since he was nine, so I knew Anthony had to be the father. It made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.” Danna went on to say the sexual encounter between her and Mr. Gale was a one-time thing and the result of “being severely intoxicated and making bad decisions”, but she vowed to rectify her mistake by giving her baby up for adoption. At one point during her interview Danna admitted that she briefly considered having an abortion but ultimately decided it was not in-line with her moral compass, further explaining that even Yinzers have a place in god’s world. Although her husband Rick hasn’t forgiven her for her transgressions, she hopes to smooth things over by giving him a pair of Dawg Pound tickets this season. Rick did not immediately return calls for comment, but a friend close to the situation said he’s seriously considering his wife’s offer.