Brownie Man spent the vast majority of his morning sending Valentine’s Day cards to everyone in his address book. Here is the one he sent to K2, Braylon, his ex-girlfriends and Art Modell:

The Brown Knight wishes everyone else a happy V-day. He hopes you all got chocolate, flowers, and….uh….lucky. This marks the last imaginary holiday before the 2010 NFL draft. YAY!

According to the Associated Press, Darth Vader has been named the new Offensive Coordinator of the Cleveland Browns. Vader comes to NFL after spending the last thirty three years as the central antagonist in the Star Wars trilogy. During that time, he was a dark, foreboding, and ruthless figure, and one of the pivotal rulers of the Galactic Empire. In 1977, he mercilessly attempted to destroy the Rebel Alliance, which had waged a long and desperate war to free the galaxy from his evil clutches. Although he has no direct experience coaching an NFL team, his brings instant credibility to Cleveland because of his expertise in full-scale, aggressive assaults – something the Browns’ offense has lacked since the late 1980’s. Before joining the dark side, Lord Vader spent much of his time as a Jedi Knight and was later a decorated hero in the Clone Wars. This is just the latest in front office changes for the Browns. Club President Mike Holmgren said that he is pleased to have Vader joining his staff and that he will be “very involved in our attempt to take over the AFC North Division”.

Police in Cleveland have released disturbing photograph of Brownie Man after being struck by a hit and run driver. He is shown lying motionless near the side of the road, ignored by bystanders and other drivers, who swerved to avoid his body but did nothing to help. A one-minute clip from a nearby surveillance camera is currently being reviewed by police, but it has not been made public. The film shows nine cars drive past Brownie Man’s body while several pedestrians stop and stare. One rider on a moped even circled him for a closer look before deciding to drive on. He lay crumpled on a nearby patch of grass without anyone rushing to his aid until a police car – reportedly responding to an unrelated call – arrived on the scene. The photo was released with the hope of catching the unidentified driver but also to highlight the lack of humanity in modern-day America. At the end of the day we’ve got to look at ourselves and question our morals,” said Police Chief Daron Roberts. “We have no regard for each other. I mean, the victim here was not your average citizen…we’re talking about the Brown Knight. What’s next? Is the mayor gonna rob LeBron at gunpoint?!” Brownie Man was taken to a local hospital and is listed in stable, but pissed off condition.

The following is an excerpt from Mike Holmgren’s press conference on Monday evening. In attendance were Dorothy, Toto, the Scarecrow, and the Tin Man. No one from the Plain Dealer was present.

“Put ‘em up, put ‘em up! Which one of you first? I can fight you both together if you want! I can fight you with one paw tied behind my back. I can fight you standing on one foot. I can fight you with my eyes closed. Oh, pullin an axe on me, eh? Sneaking up on me, eh? Why, I’ll… Ruff! Rrrrrrruff!” This went on for what seemed like an eternity. When asked for clarification on what the hell he was talking about, Holmgren had this to say, “I do believe in spooks. I do believe in spooks. I do! I do! I do!”

Attention Plain Dealer: This is my way of saying: PLEASE STOP USING THE PICTURE SHOWN ABOVE! Holmgren looks ridiculous in it!

Thank you,
Brownie Man

According to the Associate Press, the Brown Knight has pleaded with Cleveland Browns fans to respect all people without discrimination or the threat of violence during a recent interview about the upcoming NFL draft. “Respect others, regardless of their jersey color, nationality, language, or religion”, Brownie Man said, “It is important to keep this in mind, even when they are different than us.” But following the interview, he openly admitted that it was really just a PR stunt that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell forced him into and that the words were as hollow as Dan Rooney’s Yinzer-ass skull. He later added, “I live in my mother’s basement and dress up like a super hero on acid…AND YOU TAKE ME SERIOUSLY?! Come on man…get a clue.”

(In the voice of Captain James T. Kirk) In mythology, a phoenix is an immortal bird that, when it dies, bursts into flames and is reborn from its own ashes. “To rise from the ashes of the phoenix” means to make a miraculous comeback. Well my friends, I’m pleased to report that, although he is not a mythological bird or a Trekki, Brownie Man lives and he has risen from the ashes! He plans to entertain you, once again, during an otherwise uneventful offseason. Stay tuned for more lunacy on www.brownieman.net!

Brownie Man woke up this morning at 5:30 a.m. and made some coffee. When he took his first sip, he noticed that it tasted funny – as if it had Sweet & Low in it or something. But the Brown Knight drinks his coffee black, and so he began to panic. He wondered if he accidentally make his coffee with antifreeze again. And then it hit him – the coffee was the same. It was the sweet taste of victory that he was experiencing. It’s been so long since he’s had it, he almost forgot what it was like. The Browns had 8 sacks against the defending Super Bowl chumps. They ran the ball well against a very good defensive team. Special teams were indeed special. Browns 13 Squeelers 6. And it’s not even Christmas yet. Thank you Santa, thank you!

Brownie nation finally has a reason to rejoice. Their beloved Brownie Man, who has spent the last couple of weeks in a coma, awoke on Monday morning and appears to be on the road to recovery. Brownie Man suffered severe brain injury after repeatedly bashing his helmetless head against his living room wall. This random act of self destruction followed the Browns’ tough loss to the Detroit Lions two weeks ago. It has been reported that a Chinese woman successfully broke the Brown Knight’s comatose state by biting his toes. Lv Kui claimed that she had tried everything she could think of to wake Brownie Man but nothing seemed to work. “I played the radio, sang and talked to him, but nothing worked. I then recalled someone saying that the feet are the home for many nerves. I wondered if I could wake him by biting his toes,” Kui told the press. She later said that she bit his toes gently and faithfully every day for 2 weeks until it worked. The Brown Knight is still unable to speak, but he can move his arms and smile like the jackass that he is.

Cleveland Browns’ beloved brownie mascot was arrested for choking Remy the Raven unconscious this morning, Cuyahoga County deputies said. Brownie ran from investigators when they arrived but was later captured and taken into custody, according to the arrest report. Remy, the sexually confused mascot of the Baltimore Ravens, refused medical attention. Though the sheriff’s office says Remy was the victim in the choking incident, he was also arrested early this morning. “It was just a very chaotic scene,” Sheriff McKinnon said. “While deputies were trying to get to the bottom of the fight, several dozen Browns fans poured into the street and began egging them on.” McKinnon went on to say that the fight started over a disagreement concerning the talent level of the Browns’ offensive line. Brownie was charged with attempted murder and battery by strangulation. Remy was charged with felony stupidity and resisting an officer without violence. Both mascots were denied bail.