Watch out, Yinzers. That lanky man with the scary orange goggles? He’s got a badge and a gun. And he used to have a reality TV show. If you missed last night’s premiere of Cleveland Vice , you missed one of the best cop shows since – well, COPS. But sadly, the show was cancelled after just one episode. NBC sited “behavioral issues and artistic differences” as the reasons for their decision, but did not elaborate further. Brownie Man has never been known for his sense of right and wrong or an awareness that his cape crusading image is really kinda creepy. When he appeared on The View earlier this month to promote Cleveland Vice, he sat between the hosts, a serene Buddha in a cape and goggles, answering questions from Whoopi and the others with a furrowed brow and deadly seriousness – as though he was being quizzed on the mysteries of human existence. Similarly, on Cleveland Vice, Brownie Man seemed utterly clueless about how he came off. Sitting in the passenger seat of a squad car roaring off to a crime scene, he started giving his partner directions – which were completely ignored. It seemed clear that his partner had been led down a few one-way streets the wrong way by Brownie in the past. He then arrived at a crime scene at which the suspect was already on the ground. Heaving out of the squad car, he ran over and yelled, “I’ll get him! Taser! Taser!” You could hear faint voices in the background saying, “No! No!” The poor suspect was already in the process of being cuffed. NBC said that they will air re-runs of Frasier until a replacement for the show is announced.

The Cleveland Browns have no shortage of famous fans. Martin Mull, Drew Carey, Condoleezza Rice and others are often seen in Cleveland Browns Stadium on Sundays. But the Dawg Pound just got a little bit cooler, in a James Bond, shaken not stirred, kind of a way. In a recent interview with brownieman.net, Hollywood icon Sean Connery admitted that he is a closet Browns fan. Here is an excerpt from that conversation:

Brownieman.net: How long have you been a Browns fan?

Connery: I was born in Fountainbridge, Edinburgh. My mother, Euphamia, was a cleaning lady, and my father, Joseph, was a factory worker and truck driver. What that has to do with being a Browns fan, I don’t know. Neither of them were into sports, and we didn’t own a television. Like your Lady Gaga, I suppose I was born this way.

Brownieman.net: Do you catch many games?

Connery: Ha! I haven’t missed a snap in over 40 years. I’ve got direct TV now, you know. The last few years have been hard to swallow, haven’t they? I look for the bright spots here and there, but when things go poorly I often wonder what would I do if I were coaching the team.

Brownieman.net: Well, what would you do?

Connery: Put the fear of god in the players, for starters. (laughs)

Brownieman.net: How?

Connery: Well, I’d start by putting on the outfit I wore during the filming of Zardoz in 1974. It was an orange number that looked like a cross between a bandito vest and an adult diaper. I’d pair that with some thigh-high brown boots and a braid that stretches down to my nipples.

Brownieman.net: How exactly would that put the fear of god into them?

Connery: Clearly, you haven’t seen the movie. It was set in the future – at a time when Earth is divided into two camps: the barely civilized group and the overly civilized one with mental powers. A plague is attacking the second group, after which its members cease to have any interest in life and become nearly catatonic. I played Zed, a barbarian who crossed over, threatening the tenuous balance of the world.

Brownieman.net: I’m sorry, I don’t follow. Can you answer the fuckin question in English, please?

Connery: I think if I dress like an armed pervert from 1974, and wave a gun around a little bit, it might inspire the players to perform better.

Brownieman.net: I see. The classic threat of violence. Well, I guess it’s worth a try. How do you feel about the lockout situation?

Connery: The same way you do, I suppose. Fame and fortune offer no special comfort from the frustration those greedy bastards are causing.

Brownieman.net: Good point. We’re all looking forward to the 2011 season. What’s the worst that could happen?

Connery: My friends could continue to tease me for being a Browns fan, or worse yet, express sympathy. But you know what I say? Fuck them! I still believe that, in my lifetime, I’ll see the Browns win a Super Bowl. But I’m 81, so they’d better get going. (laughs)

Brownieman.net: That was a rhetorical question, Sean.

A woman from Dormont was jailed today after police found her two-year old wandering the Southside alone, dressed in a Steelers cheerleader outfit. Police say they found 32-year old Kimberly Varga’s daughter three blocks from her boyfriend’s apartment, unsupervised in soiled diapers. Varga faces three counts of endangering a child. One count for forcing her daughter to dress like a dumbass; one for dating a dumbass; and a third for leaving the child on the streets of Pittsburgh without food, water, or terrible towel. She could face additional charges for misusing Steelers paraphernalia during the offseason. The child was examined by local paramedics as a precaution before being released to Child Protective Services. As Varga was placed in a police car, witnesses heard her say, “Yinz guys wanna babysit my daughter N’at? I gotta go dahn-tahn fer-bit.” to a group of onlookers. “This dizzy bitch, shouldn’t be anyone’s mother,” the arresting officer said. “But sadly, this kind of thing happens all the time. Yinzer toddlers run around on the city like stray dogs in Thailand.” Varga remains in Allegheny Jail on five thousand dollars bond.

In April of this year, EA Sports announced that the face of Madden NFL 12 will be Cleveland Browns running back Peyton Hillis. It’s a nice honor for a player from a small-market team, but history has shown it’s not always a good thing to be on the Madden cover. Just take a look at what’s happened to the guys who have graced previous covers:

• 2011: Drew Brees – Was forced by EA Sports to change his last name to “Blows” in last year’s edition of the video game.
• 2010: Troy Polamalu & Larry Fitzgerald – They had to share the cover due to a tie in a “Whose Team Sucks More” contest. Polamalu went on to injure his knee while taking a dump and only played five games. Fitzgerald had a Pro Bowl season, but almost committed suicide twice when he realized he still plays for the Cardinals.
• 2009: Brett Favre – Traded to Jets and lost 4 of the last 5 games he played in; then he got busted for sending pictures of his junk to some chic.
• 2008: Vince Young – Missed one game with quad injury and went on to have a severe mental breakdown.
• 2007: Shaun Alexander – Fractured foot during a trip to the dentist and missed six games. But at least he still has perfect teeth.
• 2006: Donovan McNabb – A sports hernia caused him to miss seven games; feuded with Terrell Owens all year about whose hernia it was. Owens argued that it belonged to him.
• 2005: Ray Lewis – Broke wrist while masturbating, missed one game; After a similar incident he missed 10 games the following year.
• 2004: Michael Vick – Fractured fibula one day after video game was released, missed 11 games; went on to kill dogs for fun. Then went to prison, which was not fun.
• 2003: Marshall Faulk – Injured his ankle, missed two games, and never rushed for 1,000 yards again; got fat and became a broadcaster.
• 2002: Daunte Culpepper – the Vikings has a stellar 4-7 record before his season-ending knee injury.
• 2001: Eddie George – the former OSU star fumbled in playoffs as the top-seeded Titans lost first game to Ravens of all teams.
• 2000: Barry Sanders – Retired one week before training camp. Pissed off Madden and everyone at EA Sports, thus creating the cover curse.

Right about now, we’re thinking the NFL lockout may be the best thing that has happened to Hillis since he learned how to hurdle defensive backs.

At brownieman.net, we laugh because the only other alternative is to cry. And we recently celebrated our second birthday! For over two years, we’ve been entertaining Browns fans and making new friends by acting like jagoffs. Too bad we accidentally deleted our website archives! Not to worry though – we fired the guy responsible for that and there’s plenty more to come. Thank you for stopping by and for all your support over the last couple of years. Your feedback has helped make this site what it is today. Be sure to share your pictures, videos, and stories with Brownie Man on Facebook, and as always, GO BROWNS!

Pittsburgh Steelers’ running back Rashard Mendenhall has created a real shit storm with comments he made on his Twitter page regarding Osama bin Laden’s death. He recently tweeted: “What kind of person celebrates death? It’s amazing how people can HATE a man they have never even heard speak. We’ve only heard one side.” Mendenhall didn’t hold back, even making a reference to the Sept. 11 attacks. “We’ll never know what really happened. Ya’ll just tryin to blame Osama because he’s the face of terrorism, but you don’t know he did it,” he tweeted. Due to the stupidity of his comments, his current employer felt compelled to act. On Tuesday, Pittsburgh Steelers president Art Rooney II released a statement. “I have not spoken with Rashard, so it is hard to explain or even comprehend what he meant with his recent Twitter comments. The entire Steelers organization thinks he is a moron, and clearly playing a game while making millions of dollars does not qualify him to be an expert on terrorism or efforts to stop it. We are very proud of the job our military personnel have done and we can only hope this leads to our troops coming home soon.” Rooney later admitted that he had no idea what tweets were, prior to Mendenhall’s ill-advised comments, but he said he plans to have him do shuttle runs at Heinz Field, “until his lungs bleed”. Mendenhall is coming off a tremendous season, as he led the AFC chumps in carries, rushing yards, and rushing touchdowns. Mendenhall’s string of tweets ended around 6 p.m. on Monday. He has not tweeted since. Praise be to Allah!

As Brownie Man waltzed past cameras at the White House on Thursday night, he looked as though he belonged there, except for one tiny detail – his wardrobe. “The minute I saw him, I thought, ‘Who the f*ck is that clown?!’ Then I saw the name on his cape and immediately grabbed the guest list – but his name wasn’t on there,” said Nancy Roberts, who was in charge of greeting guests at the entrance. The Brown Knight’s name wasn’t on the list because he wasn’t officially invited. Yet somehow he managed to talk his way past the Secret Service and into the star-studded NFL draft party, where he warmed up to Vice President Joe Biden, pumped the keg for Obama and Michelle, and even told jokes to the Marines posted at the door. The Secret Service has launched an investigation into the security breach and says a preliminary probe reveals that proper procedure wasn’t followed at one of its checkpoints. However, this is hardly Brownie Man’s first foray into the spotlight. Some believe he’s a former high school cheerleader and he’s recently been involved in a public dispute over control of a family vineyard in Maumee, OH. Late Friday, representatives for Brownie Man released a statement saying he “did not crash the event and that he looks forward to setting the record straight very soon.”