Browns head coach Eric Mangini is finding new ways to keep himself busy this offseason. On Saturday afternoon he reportedly signed a deal to pose as Napoleon Bonaparte in an upcoming issue of GQ Magazine. The publication plans to do a series of issues that feature NFL coaches dressed as infamous world leaders. This should be old hat for Mangini, since he developed a bit of a Napoleon complex since joining the Browns last January. He will reportedly be paid a whopping $500,000 to pose for the March cover of the magazine. An anonymous source close to the deal had this to say, “Eric is making $500,000 to make fun of himself. For that kind of money, he was like ‘Why not? Everyone else already is! I may as well cash in.’ And it’s not like he has to get naked. If he has to be ridiculed and called names for the rest of his career in Cleveland, he’s OK with that, as long as he gets paid – sorta like Josh Cribbs.” Brownieman.net contacted Mangini on Sunday morning for comment. He had only this to say, “Look, I love who I am. You’re going to have to interpret me however you’re going to interpret me.” He then abruptly hung up the phone.

Do you consider yourself a die-hard Browns fan? Is it causing problems with your marriage or your productivity at work? Well the Brown Knight may reward your bad behavior! He is giving away a very special surprise gift to one lucky Browns fan. In order to be eligible to win, all you need to do is send him an email to brownknight32@gmail.com with your picture (in Browns gear) and a brief message telling him why you should be the chosen one. Brownie Man will select the winner on Friday, February 5th, and the winner will be featured on our website. So get off your ass, stop doing work at work, and tell your wife to go fly a kite. You have a reward to claim! GO BROWNS!

According to the Associate Press, the Brown Knight has pleaded with Cleveland Browns fans to respect all people without discrimination or the threat of violence during a recent interview about the upcoming NFL draft. “Respect others, regardless of their jersey color, nationality, language, or religion”, Brownie Man said, “It is important to keep this in mind, even when they are different than us.” But following the interview, he openly admitted that it was really just a PR stunt that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell forced him into and that the words were as hollow as Dan Rooney’s Yinzer-ass skull. He later added, “I live in my mother’s basement and dress up like a super hero on acid…AND YOU TAKE ME SERIOUSLY?! Come on man…get a clue.”

It appears that Browns head coach Eric Mangini has been bitten by the acting bug. He had brief cameo in a 2007 episode of the HBO mob drama The Sopranos, where he played himself and was only required to eat …not much of a stretch for a man of his stature. But on Wednesday afternoon, the hefty Mafioso wannabe inked a deal with Paramount Pictures to play the role of Fredo in the upcoming film The Godfather IV. The role had been played by John Cazale in the first three editions of the Godfather series, but Cazale died of bone cancer in 1978, opening the door for Mangini’s shot at Hollywood glory. Brownieman.net spoke to the film’s director Francis Ford Coppola about hiring Mangini. “Eric was perfect for the role of Fredo. In the previous films, Fredo kinda comes in and f*cks everything up. He is far less mentally acute than his younger brother Michael. Who better to play the part than Eric? Did you see his first training camp in Cleveland?” Coppola went on to say that Mangini will be required to drop at least 250 pounds by June in order to play the part. So much for preparing for the 2010 draft!

He doesn’t have a beard, he has a mustache. Instead of long brown hair, he has a short tuft that looks like the fur of a dead raccoon. And with his flowing linen robes and beatific smile he certainly does resemble a holy man. But to his believers from Brownie Nation, Mike Holmgren, a former history teacher, is the literal reincarnation of Jesus Christ. Holmgren, 61, is the spiritual leader of at least 5,000 devoted Dawg Pound members, among them intellectuals, artists and professionals who flock to worship the team on Sundays. He is just the latest example of Cleveland’s love of ‘personality cults’ – an obsession that leads back all the way to the days of the Kardiac Kids. Many fans claim something awoke inside them when Holmgren was announced as Cleveland’s new football Czar, a mere 2,000 years after he was first crucified. Holmgren says he realized that God had sent him to Earth to teach mankind about the evils of Pittsburgh and the havoc Lerner was wreaking on the team. His followers, who have given up their lives to follow him, are strict vegans and are banned from smoking and drinking or handling money. Whether or not he wins over the skeptics remains to be seen. His ability to turn Gatorade into bourbon is pretty cool though. Even if you’re a non-believer.

(In the voice of Captain James T. Kirk) In mythology, a phoenix is an immortal bird that, when it dies, bursts into flames and is reborn from its own ashes. “To rise from the ashes of the phoenix” means to make a miraculous comeback. Well my friends, I’m pleased to report that, although he is not a mythological bird or a Trekki, Brownie Man lives and he has risen from the ashes! He plans to entertain you, once again, during an otherwise uneventful offseason. Stay tuned for more lunacy on www.brownieman.net!

Brownie Man woke up this morning at 5:30 a.m. and made some coffee. When he took his first sip, he noticed that it tasted funny – as if it had Sweet & Low in it or something. But the Brown Knight drinks his coffee black, and so he began to panic. He wondered if he accidentally make his coffee with antifreeze again. And then it hit him – the coffee was the same. It was the sweet taste of victory that he was experiencing. It’s been so long since he’s had it, he almost forgot what it was like. The Browns had 8 sacks against the defending Super Bowl chumps. They ran the ball well against a very good defensive team. Special teams were indeed special. Browns 13 Squeelers 6. And it’s not even Christmas yet. Thank you Santa, thank you!

Darren Jacobs is just like every 33 year old Browns fan – a little overweight, a lover of pornography, and very much an alcoholic. But one thing sets Darren apart from the rest – he still believes in Santa Claus. Since 1999, Jacobs has asked Saint Nick for “a real football team” but every year he gets a 12 pack of multi-colored tube socks and some cheap Walgreen’s after shave from his deadbeat parents. Someone needs to tell this poor bastard that Santa does not exist before it is too late. We don’t need another serial killer in Cleveland, and it doesn’t take a professional chimney sweep to determine that it is impossible for an obese man in a red suit to go down a chimney. If you know Darren Jacobs, or anyone like him, please do your part this holiday season and tell him there is no happy ending to this season and that Santa is not listening to him because he is busy NOT EXISTING!

Brownie nation finally has a reason to rejoice. Their beloved Brownie Man, who has spent the last couple of weeks in a coma, awoke on Monday morning and appears to be on the road to recovery. Brownie Man suffered severe brain injury after repeatedly bashing his helmetless head against his living room wall. This random act of self destruction followed the Browns’ tough loss to the Detroit Lions two weeks ago. It has been reported that a Chinese woman successfully broke the Brown Knight’s comatose state by biting his toes. Lv Kui claimed that she had tried everything she could think of to wake Brownie Man but nothing seemed to work. “I played the radio, sang and talked to him, but nothing worked. I then recalled someone saying that the feet are the home for many nerves. I wondered if I could wake him by biting his toes,” Kui told the press. She later said that she bit his toes gently and faithfully every day for 2 weeks until it worked. The Brown Knight is still unable to speak, but he can move his arms and smile like the jackass that he is.