A little more than seven years after dying of a heart aneurysm in Sarasota, Florida, former Browns great Otto Graham announced today that he would forego the afterlife and “test the waters” of the NFL draft. “After talking it over with the big guy up here, I have decided to forgo my eighth year in paradise and enter into the 2011 NFL Draft,” Graham said in a statement released by an angel moonlighting as an agent for deceased athletes. “The Browns suck; the overall talent in the NFL is getting worse by the season; Goodell wants to increase the number of games; and there is talk that there may be a team in London someday. WTF?! I have to come back and try to straighten some of this out.” Upon joining the Cleveland Browns in 1946, Graham played quarterback and lead the team to the league championship game in each of his ten seasons, winning on seven occasions. He’s hoping the Browns will trade up from the sixth pick in the draft to take him. “If the fans thought I was good before, they should see me now that I am immortal,” he said. “I may look 82 years old, but I never get tired or injured, so I’m hoping the club will take a chance on me.” Representatives of the Cleveland Browns declined to comment.

There are two key things that head coach Pat Shurmur is learning about Mike Holmgren:
1) he doesn’t want him to speak unless spoken to, and 2) even then he should shut his pretty little pie-hole.
The gloriously direct President of the Cleveland Browns took the podium in Berea on Saturday, just weeks before the draft, to tell reporters that Coach Shurmur would have “zero” input on draft day decisions. This made for a somewhat awkward press conference, since Shurmur was sitting directly to his left. When asked by reporters to elaborate, Holmgren had this to say: “I don’t even want him there. For starters, the fans in Cleveland have no idea who the hell Pat is. Secondly, if I wanted to hear someone else’s opinion, other than Tom’s, I’d call about 32,000 other people before Pat. He is here to coach – pure and simple – until I feel like coaching again. I told him that on day one.” Holmgren went on to say that he is also physically bigger than Shurmur, which could come in handy, should the coach decide to “grow a pair” at any point. When reporters asked Shurmur for comment, he blinked repeatedly, looked up and Holmgren, and blinked repeatedly again – without uttering a word. That caused Holmgren to grin, rub his head, and say “good boy” under his breath. It doesn’t make sense, in the buttoned-up world of the NFL, to be so nakedly candid as Holmgren is. Reporters, who are used to covering coaches that all look and sound the same, are shaken by Holmgren’s demeanor. But he doesn’t give two shits about that either.

The Cleveland Browns unveiled renovated restrooms at Cleveland Browns Stadium on Friday and Todd Argust, Director of Stadium Operations, says he hopes the changes will one day lure a Super Bowl to town. The women’s restrooms have been doubled in size in an effort to cut down on long lines during games, while the changes in the men’s restrooms were more aesthetic. They have been updated to include more urinals of varying heights and life-size photos of women above each station. The women, Argust says, are fully clothed. “This is a venue for families,” he said. “So we decided to keep the images PG-13. Not what I wanted to do, but I have to answer to big Mike (Holmgren).” The images include women taking photographs – presumably of a would-be urinator’s junk; a woman holding a measuring tape; and a few young ladies simply making surprised faces. Argust said the new artwork is, “more of a joke than anything else”, and should be taken as such. Assuming there is a 2011 season, the new restrooms will open in early September, but the Browns hope the new attraction will eventually lure the Super Bowl to Cleveland. “The first step is to see how the cold-weather Super Bowl goes in New York,” Argust said. “If the league has a good experience, then there will undoubtedly be teams that come back and ask for a cold-weather Super Bowl, and we would certainly be on that list. I mean, who wouldn’t want to piss here?!” The renovation cost the team about $1.6 million dollars, and they are the first changes to the stadium since it opened in 1999.

Cleveland police arrested a man yesterday who played a role in a series of local bank robberies, including one at a Huntington Bank branch on Friday. Ted Levine, 54, was arrested at 8:43 a.m. Friday following a car chase, according to the police log. Levin is a television and film actor best known for playing the role of Buffalo Bill in the 1991 movie “Silence of the Lambs”. A native of Bellaire, Ohio, Levin is an avid Browns fan and not afraid to show his team spirit. On Wednesday, a man described as white, between the ages of 50 – 60, about 5-feet-11 inches, wearing a Cleveland Browns hat, Jim Brown jersey, and high heels, entered the Huntington Bank branch on Euclid Avenue and handed a teller a note demanding money. According to police the note read, “It puts the money in the basket. It does this whenever it is told.” When the bank teller questioned the meaning of the note, Levin yelled, “PUT THE MONEY IN THE F*CKIN BASKET!!!” He then fled with an undisclosed sum of cash and the skin of the teller in what police believe was a 1996 white Chevrolet van. A man fitting similar descriptions is a suspect in six other recent bank robberies. In all of those cases, a similar note was given to the tellers, just prior to their faces being peeled off. According to police, Levin faces charges of robbery, operating a motor vehicle with a suspended license, failure to stop for police and scaring the shit out of everyone he comes across.

Now that NFL owners have officially locked out the players, there are no meetings to go to; no weights to lift; no playbooks to study. Many of the younger athletes are bored to tears, but some veterans are still finding ways to keep themselves busy. Such is the case with Browns’ linebacker Scott Fujita. Just a few days after learning about the lockout, Fujita spent twelve hours at a local tattoo parlor getting a tattoo on his stomach. The subject of the tatt? His recently deceased cat, Wiggles. “I wanted to make sure I remember him every time I get undressed,” he said during an interview with brownieman.net. Fujita, 31, decided to make his body the site of a permanent tribute to his best friend, who died of kidney failure in late 2010. The artwork features the fun-loving Calico from behind, which Fujita says symbolizes him ‘scampering his way to heaven’. Wiggles is fondly remembered by other Browns players – but some of Fujita’s teammates questioned his judgement, including cornerback Joe Haden. “I can understand a man getting inked up when a friend or relative dies. But we’re talking about a cat here,” he said on Monday. “I mean, I have a locker right next to him – and now I gotta see his cat’s ass before every game?! That’s just nasty.” Haden went on to say that he’s actually looking forward to a nice, long lockout.

The NFL officially announced a lockout of players by team owners, following the move by the NFLPA to dissolve themselves and pursue court action against the league. Typically, a lockout closes down all league activities and halts dealings between players and clubs. But this year’s lockout is different in that it is focused solely on special teams. The NFL issued a statement saying that only punters will be locked out – a gesture many NFL insiders believe is the first step in renewing talks with the player’s union. “We’ve decided to lockout punters because we’re pissed and wanted to lock SOMEONE out. Let’s see teams try to win games without fucking punters! That’s like trying to drive a car without windshield wiper fluid,” the statement said. However, the NFLPA – also known for playing hardball – issued a statement of their own upon hearing news of the partial lockout. “Let’s face it, half the fans don’t know who these guys are anyway. It’s not like your kid is running around the fucking playground wearing a Ryan Succop jersey,” a player representative said. “So this partial lockout is a load of shit.” Whether or not the lockout can be enforced will ultimately be decided by the courts, but there remains the risk that the 2011 season could be disrupted.

According to the AP, Brownie Man and the Tooth Fairy arrived in Washington today, in a bid to jump-start contentious and slow-moving labor negotiations between the NFL and the Player’s Association. More than three hours after the pair arrived, the owners and the Players Association released a joint statement saying the mediation had started and that both parties agreed to adhere to the Tooth Fairy’s request that they not speak publicly about the process. True to their word, the owners and players declined to answer questions on their way out of the meeting. It wasn’t immediately clear when the sides would resume talks. However, Brownie Man did speak briefly when he showed up Friday morning. “Look at me. Clearly I live for football. What the hell am I gonna do this Fall without it? So I’m here to help get this resolved.” he told the Associated Press. When asked what progress he expected to come from his presence, he simply replied: “Go Browns!” The current collective bargaining agreement expires this week, but the start of mediation could be a positive sign after several months of infrequent negotiations. Prior to the meeting, the Tooth Fairy said that she would do her part by leaving fifty cents for each tooth left under the pillows of NFL owners and players.

Brett Skilling, a Cleveland Browns season ticket holder since 1999, says he contemplated suicide after the team finished 5-11 for the second season in a row. “About a week after the final game of the season, some knob in Berea thought it would be a good idea to send a season ticket renewal email out. I basically came to the conclusion that death would be better than taking one more minute of this shit.” Skilling told brownieman.net in an interview on Saturday. He said he sought psychiatric help but was only able to emerge from a deep, two-year malaise after the Steelers were beaten in the Super Bowl. “That loss, in a lot of ways, was the turning point,” Skilling said. “That’s when I started climbing back. I could breath again.” During those couple of years of depression, Skilling said he turned into a recluse, bringing signs to the game that voiced his displeasure with management. “I feel like I spoke for everyone in section 213. Hell – everyone in the stadium, for that matter,” he said. Skilling realizes the Browns are rebuilding again, but he now believes he can cope with another season. “At some point, people will ask what that shit is on the field,” he said. “It would be good if someone was there to tell them.”

Colt McCoy may have put his hard-living Texas Longhorn days behind him, but he’s not above getting down and dirty when he feels like he’s been provoked. During a recent interview on ESPN’s Countdown Daily, McCoy allegedly backhanded reporter Sarah Lange when she asked why the hell he was wearing a foam cowboy hat. According to a witness, the violence occurred 10 seconds into their interview. Recalling the incident, Lange said, “I thought his hat was some sort of prank. When I asked him about it, he told me he would ‘be my huckleberry’ – whatever the hell that means. The next thing I know, he bitch-slapped me.” McCoy, apparently unsatisfied with the blow, told Lange, “You’re lucky I’m a Christian.” Some say the feud between McCoy and Lange dates back to 2008, when Lange called him ‘Kevin’ several times on the air and said his performance in a college bowl game was a mere 2 out of 5 stars. McCoy demanded a public apology from Lange, but the reporter told him to ‘get bent’. According to police, no charges have been filed.