The 2011 season is upon us, and you don’t have to be Nostradamus to know that we’re in for a real shit storm. Hope you brought an umbrella! Each week, Brownie Man will make his official gameday prediction.

• Sep 11th: Cincinnati Bengals: Albino quarterback Andy Dalton gets the start and continues his pattern of throwing one touchdown for every three interceptions. Browns defense forces Dalton to question his Texas Christian education, as well as his religion. Sadly, the Browns offense manages just three points. BROWNS LOSE!

• Sep 18th: @ Indianapolis Colts: Usually Peyton Manning is a pain in the ass for opposing defenses. This week, a pain in his neck keeps him out of the game, leaving the offense in the hands of 95 year-old QB Kerry Collins. Their mediocre defense is just enough. BROWNS LOSE!

• Sep 25th: Miami Dolphins: Brandon Marshall fractures his uterus in the first half, rendering Chad Henne’s offense completely useless. Jason Taylor sets an NFL record for switching teams 12 times in one game, but plays the fourth quarter for the Dolphins. BROWNS LOSE!

• Oct 2nd: Tennessee Titans: Chris Johnson realizes that Matt Hasselbeck is the starting QB in Tennessee, and refuses to play another down until he gets more money. A standoff with the Titans’ front office lasts until the two minute warning. Just in time to secure a ‘W’. BROWNS LOSE!

• Oct 9th: BYE WEEK: BROWNS LOSE! (by 40)

• Oct 16th: @ Oakland Raiders: The ghost od Al Davis continues to overpay convicted felons to underperform. The Dawg Pound wannabe fans in the “black hole” dress like skeletons and drink Zima, which intimidates no one…except for a random toddler sitting in the family section and Cleveland’s entire offense. BROWNS LOSE!

• Oct 23rd: Seattle Seahawks: They have a defensive back named Atari. They have a wide receiver named Golden Tate and a QB named Tarvaris. Sounds like a recipe for success to us. BROWNS LOSE!

• Oct 30th: @ San Francisco 49ers: Ok, when the fuck will the 49ers realize that Alex Smith is not an NFL quarterback? Browns take advantage of a porous offensive line by sacking Smith a record 350 times in the first half. But Jim Harbaugh takes over at halftime. BROWNS LOSE!

• Nov 6th: @ Houston Texans: Prediction coming soon!

• Nov 13th: St. Louis Rams: Prediction coming soon!

• Nov 20th: Jacksonville Jaguars: Prediction coming soon!

• Nov 27th: @ Cincinnati Bengals: Prediction coming soon!

• Dec 4th: Baltimore Ravens: Prediction coming soon!

• Dec 8th: @ Pittsburgh Steelers: Prediction coming soon!

• Dec 18th: @ Arizona Cardinals: Prediction coming soon!

• Dec 24th: @ Baltimore Ravens: Prediction coming soon!

• Jan 1st: Pittsburgh Steelers: Prediction coming soon!