According to the Associated Press, Darth Vader has been named the new Offensive Coordinator of the Cleveland Browns. Vader comes to NFL after spending the last thirty three years as the central antagonist in the Star Wars trilogy. During that time, he was a dark, foreboding, and ruthless figure, and one of the pivotal rulers of the Galactic Empire. In 1977, he mercilessly attempted to destroy the Rebel Alliance, which had waged a long and desperate war to free the galaxy from his evil clutches. Although he has no direct experience coaching an NFL team, his brings instant credibility to Cleveland because of his expertise in full-scale, aggressive assaults – something the Browns’ offense has lacked since the late 1980’s. Before joining the dark side, Lord Vader spent much of his time as a Jedi Knight and was later a decorated hero in the Clone Wars. This is just the latest in front office changes for the Browns. Club President Mike Holmgren said that he is pleased to have Vader joining his staff and that he will be “very involved in our attempt to take over the AFC North Division”.

Baltimore linebacker Ray Lewis has been spending much of the offseason trying to locate the individual responsible for posting an online threat to “kick some Raven ass”. The threat, which featured Lewis getting his ass kicked by Phil Dawson, was anonymously posted on an NFL blog by someone using the screen name KosarKid19. Lewis remembers the first time he saw the threatening message. “I was sipping a cup of coffee from 7-11 and surfing the internet when I came across an AFC North blog. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Phil Dawson kicking MY ass?! Oh, hell no. I can’t have that. I’m gonna get the (expletive) who posted it. If anyone can find out his home addresses, let me know. I’ll hunt down the (novel expletives) like a (expletive) bounty hunter.” Lewis said his friends are trying to identify the IP address of the person who posted the threat. While the District Attorney has yet to get involved, the blogger could face possible charges for making criminal threats – if he lives to see tomorrow.