The Broncos were not thrilled with Kyle Orton’s 2009 performance. And after a week-long vacation in Mexico, Mike Holmgren developed an addiction to Mexican food. As a result, Brady Quinn was traded to Denver for a large bowl of guacamole and a bags of tortilla chips. “They just wanted some guac, which is good because we weren’t willing to part with anyone on our roster…not for Quinn.” Broncos General Manager said today. According to Peapod.com, a 16oz. tub of organic guacamole runs about $7.95, which seems more than fair for a former first round draft pick out of Notre Dame. Because Denver did not have the guacamole on-hand, they offered the Browns cash – which Holmgren called “an insult”. The guacamole trade wasn’t the first time the Browns tried some creative deal-making. In 1999, they tried to acquire a wide receiver for 1,500 orange seats when they built Cleveland Browns Stadium. As for Quinn, who did not return a call for comment, he’s scheduled to visit Denver next week

With a roster bonus imminent, and Cleveland having just traded for Seattle QB Seneca Wallace, the Browns released former Oregon St. quarterback Derek Anderson. The QB had a standout season in 2007, which proved to be just a flash in the pan. According to a source close to Anderson, the former QB plans to become a UFC fighter in order to take his frustrations out on someone else’s face. Making the move from the football field to the Octagon is a tough feat but Anderson thinks his wrestling experience in middle school has prepared him well. However, his girlfriend is concerned about his desire to fight – and she should be. Former NFL wide receiver Johnnie Morton tried MMA back in 2007. He was knocked out in 39 seconds. Lorenzo Fertitta, CEO of the UFC, hopes to lure Brady Quinn – another Browns QB – into the ring to spar with Anderson in an effort to boost TV ratings in Northeast Ohio. Quinn, however, has refused to comment on the idea.

According to the Associated Press, Brady Quinn has been keeping himself busy this offseason with the hope of landing the starting job in 2010. On Sunday, he was working out in Denver with former NFL quarterback John Elway. During a 90-minute session, Quinn, who was dressed in full-pads, practiced flopping on his back repeatedly. Some of the collisions appeared violent and rather painful. When questioned about what the drill was all about, Quinn had this to say, “Let’s face it, I’m going to be running for my life again this season if we don’t improve the offensive line, so I have to get better at taking sacks. If I have to go down, I want to look good doing it, ya know?” Quinn went on to tell reporters that he was working with Elway on his fundamentals since he is a bit of an expert in that department. Elway holds the NFL record for career sacks at 516. About 494 of them occurred when the Broncos played the Browns in the late 1980’s….or at least it seemed that way.

The Cleveland Browns have burst out of the gate this season to an astounding 0-3 record. The team has had to work hard to be outscored 95-29 in those three games and it is no secret that they have managed to score only one offensive touchdown in their past nine games dating to last season. After the benching of Brady Quinn last week, Anderson came in to save the day. He went on to complete 11 of 19 passes for 92 yards and three interceptions. Brownieman.net was able to reach Anderson for comment, “I felt like I went out there and did what I can do,” Anderson said. “I don’t think I’m going to actually win games this season, but I know I can set the all-time franchise record for interceptions…which is quite an accomplishment. I’ll continue to telegraph passes and force throws into triple coverage until the record is all mine.” Anderson will get a chance to do just that this weekend as the starting QB against the Bengals.

Kyle Orton was 19-of-37 for 263 yards and a touchdown as Denver defeated the Cleveland Browns, 27-6, at INVESCO Field on Sunday. The Broncos have won the season’s first two games for the third straight year, as well as their 10th consecutive home opener. But perhaps the most memorable part of the game was the second half, when Orton took the field wearing only a helmet. “The game was too close for comfort at halftime, so I thought to myself ‘What can I do to distract the Browns defense?’ That’s when the idea came to me,” said Orton after the game. Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels said he had nothing to do with Orton disrobing, but he noted that it was an act of sure brilliance. “We are not a good football team and we know we have to do whatever it takes week in and week out to win games. Kyle’s decision to go out there with his junk hanging out for the whole world to see…..that is the definition of a team player,” he said, holding back tears. Brady Quinn was 18-of-31 for 161 yards for the Browns (0-2), who dropped their eighth straight game dating back to last November. “Obviously, I’m very disappointed about the game,” said Browns head coach Eric Mangini. “We weren’t expecting to see Orton’s junk in the second half and I think it scared the sh*t out of some of the guys. But when adversity strikes, we have to do a better job to be able to respond to it.” The Browns hope to regroup this week before traveling to Baltimore to play the Ravens next Sunday.

The Cleveland Browns improved their preseason record to 2-1 after defeating the Tennessee Titan 23-17 on Saturday night. After the game, head coach Eric Mangini participated in a 3-hour press conference in which he didn’t actually SAY anything. Here is just a sample of the Q&A from that press conference:

(On if Brady Quinn played well enough to be named the starting QB) “We’ll look at the tape and keep evaluating it. I have no timetable for that decision.”

(On the follow-up question: ‘Do you realize the season begins in less than two weeks?’) “I’ll have to look at my calendar. But the one I have, versus the one you have….they may not match up. They may not be the same.”

(On if he has been pleased that Braylon Edwards has not dropped a ball recently) “We’ll keep evaluating it and soon he’ll be there.”

(On the follow-up question: ‘Be where? Where will Braylon be?’) “We’ll have to take a look at the tape and see.”

This went on for what seemed like an eternity, leading this reporter to believe that coach Mangini is either a former CIA operative or affiliated in some way with the mob. We would have learned more about the Browns if we had interviewed his discarded wad of chewing gum.

Bret Michaels knew how obvious his choice was. “Twelve weeks, 23 girls and I end up with the best looking NFL quarterback in the world,” he said after the season finale aired. “Who saw that coming?” Everybody, including Bret, suspected Quinn was on the show to further exploit his various achievements and become a TV star, so it appeared as though he wasn’t going to be chosen at the end – an end Michaels said will be his last. This is the last time I want to do this,” he told brownieman.net on Tuesday afternoon, “I have reached the top of the mountain, and the view is awesome. What could I possibly do to top this? Choose Derek Anderson next season? NO WAY!” It took Quinn a while to absorb the win, but now he appears focused on the 2009 NFL season.

The biggest story this week at Browns training camp had nothing to do with the QB competition or the contracts of Phil Dawson or Josh Cribbs. Shaun Smith, the outspoken defensive lineman best known for sucker punching Brady Quinn in the weight room, apparently fell asleep while standing on the sidelines on Friday. Not surprisingly, he was released by the team minutes after defensive line coach Bryan Cox woke him with a swift kick to the shins. Earlier that afternoon, while the rest of the linemen were jogging, Smith walked and lagged far behind the rest of the group. That appeared to be the last straw for Cox. “I just can’t take his ass no more, dog,” Cox said after the ordeal. “I mean, only horses sleep standing up. He may sleep like a horse, but he sure as hell doesn’t run like one.” Smith is currently in search of another team to play for and he is rumored to be close to a deal with the NFC perennial favorite Detroit Lions.

Cleveland Browns quarterback Brady Quinn admitted on Friday that it is fun to stay at the YMCA. So much so, that he lead a team of rookies in a choreographed dance at the banquet that concluded spring practice. A photo taken of Quinn at the event shows him dressed as what appears to be a homeless stripper. When questioned about his attire, Quinn said that he did not have a cop uniform or an Indian costume, so he had to ‘make do’. Rumor has it that BQ works out at a local YMCA on a regular basis and is in talks with their national office on a sponsorship deal.

An anonymous source close to the Browns believes Brady Quinn may have sold his soul to the devil in exchange his rugged good looks and a shot being the first string quarterback in Cleveland. This comes as a shock to Catholics around the world who followed Quinn’s college career at Notre Dame. However, the source believes that shortly after the transaction was finalized, Quinn punched the devil in the face and took his soul back. This could explain why Quinn, who was the Browns first-round draft pick in 2007, has retained his soul but has seen limited playing time during his time in Cleveland. It also provides some insight into the quarterback competition that Quinn will find himself part of during training camp. The devil, who appreciates irony, could not be reached for comment.