Brownie Man spent the vast majority of his morning sending Valentine’s Day cards to everyone in his address book. Here is the one he sent to K2, Braylon, his ex-girlfriends and Art Modell:

The Brown Knight wishes everyone else a happy V-day. He hopes you all got chocolate, flowers, and….uh….lucky. This marks the last imaginary holiday before the 2010 NFL draft. YAY!

Former Cleveland Browns receiver Braylon Edwards has filed a request for a temporary restraining order in a US District Court against brownieman.net, claiming that the website “makes fun of him too much”. Edwards, who is now a member of the New York Jets, wrote in his filing that he seeks a restraining order against the “Brownie Man and members of Brownie Man’s Facebook Army.” When filing the complaint, Braylon’s attorney added, “The defendants have put too much pressure on Mr. Edwards and expected far too much of him on and off the field.” But this isn’t the first time that Edwards has filed for a restraining order. He did so as part of a lawsuit against NFL linebacker Ray Lewis, alleging that he had ties to Al Qaeda. He didn’t win that case. He also unsuccessfully sued Martha Stuart, Former President George W. Bush, and Britney Spears for reasons unbeknownst to the public. He lost all of those cases as well, so we like our chances here. Viva la Brownie Man!!

When walking into Cleveland Browns Stadium next year, it will be impossible not to notice the 17-foot tall statue outside the Southeast entrance. A 30-foot wide, white fiberglass “Hands of Stone” monument will be erected to commemorate the five, less-than stellar seasons that Braylon Edwards spent with the Browns. The statue will honor Edwards’ unique ability to drop passes that are right on the money, but it will also serve as a warning to all current and future players. The message is clear: If you suck, you will be immortalized for it in Cleveland. The statue will be displayed on a granite podium and Mums of different colors will be planted around it.

Braylon Edwards, the Browns’ pseudo number one receiver for the past several years, was traded to the New York Jets this week. The price? Thirty-six C-IN2 classic jockstraps, in Regatta Blue. The straps have a 100% cotton pouch, an ultra plush 2 ½-inch microfiber logo waistband, and dual microfiber ass straps. The new design brings the latest in fabric technology and 21st century design to the Browns’ locker room. The straps are also GAURANTEED not to drop balls, start fights at night clubs, or drive 130 miles an hour on the highway. Edwards was originally supposed to be traded for another player and draft picks, but Mangini thought this was a better deal. This isn’t the first time the Browns made an odd deal for a player. Once, they tried to trade Kevin Mack for 1500 plastic seats. What does Edwards think of this deal? “I don’t really care,” he said. “It’ll make a better story if I make it to the hall of fame. It’s the quarterback’s fault anyway.” Good luck in New York, B.E.

The Cleveland Browns improved their preseason record to 2-1 after defeating the Tennessee Titan 23-17 on Saturday night. After the game, head coach Eric Mangini participated in a 3-hour press conference in which he didn’t actually SAY anything. Here is just a sample of the Q&A from that press conference:

(On if Brady Quinn played well enough to be named the starting QB) “We’ll look at the tape and keep evaluating it. I have no timetable for that decision.”

(On the follow-up question: ‘Do you realize the season begins in less than two weeks?’) “I’ll have to look at my calendar. But the one I have, versus the one you have….they may not match up. They may not be the same.”

(On if he has been pleased that Braylon Edwards has not dropped a ball recently) “We’ll keep evaluating it and soon he’ll be there.”

(On the follow-up question: ‘Be where? Where will Braylon be?’) “We’ll have to take a look at the tape and see.”

This went on for what seemed like an eternity, leading this reporter to believe that coach Mangini is either a former CIA operative or affiliated in some way with the mob. We would have learned more about the Browns if we had interviewed his discarded wad of chewing gum.

Cleveland Browns wide receiver Braylon Edwards missed the team’s first training camp practice with an unspecified injury. An anonymous source close to the team has informed Brownieman.net that his mysterious “injury” is really just a bad case of head lice. Edwards was physically present at camp, but was did not take part in any drills. Instead he rode a stationary bike, ran sprints and scratched his head a lot while his teammates busted their asses during practice on Saturday. Edwards, who missed minicamp in June due to the same tiny insects living in his hair, deflected questions about the severity of the issue. “Talk to coach Mangini about that, see what he says,” Edwards said. However, it was hard not to notice the bald spot that was developing on this scalp – proof that the scratching is beginning to take its toll.

The Cleveland Browns have reported that starting WR Braylon Edwards has reported to camp on time. Unfortunately, it was the wrong camp. Instead arriving at Browns training camp in Berea, Edwards showed up with a large entourage at a KOA camp in Streetsboro, Ohio on Thursday morning. Brownieman.net contacted his agent for comment. “I had the same reaction anyone would have. I was like ‘Braylon…..WTF? How could you NOT notice that you were at a summer camp with a bunch of kids?!’” Edwards reportedly had little to say about the incident. His agent claims that Braylon thought the little boy that he was sharing a tent with was kicker Phil Dawson. He seemed embarrassed when confronted about it, and hopes to put the entire misunderstanding behind him.

Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte’ Stallworth told police he drank several shots of Five Hour Energy while partying with friends at a Miami Beach club on March 14th. In a recorded interview with brownieman.net, Stallworth said he met fellow Browns receiver Braylon Edwards and a few others at a hotel sometime after 2 a.m. and he claims that he and Edwards drank 5 Hour Energy all night long since “Braylon gets the sh*t for free”. Police reports have stated that Stallworth had a blood-alcohol level of .126, but he appeared to be wide awake and ready to start his day. Unfortunately for him, that day would begin by calling his attorney. Stallworth, 28, is serving a 30-day jail sentence after pleading guilty to DUI manslaughter.

Cleveland Browns receiver Braylon Edwards went to the Cleveland Clinic on Monday complaining of a severe headache. Within minutes doctors discovered the cause: Edwards had over two dozen nails imbedded in his skull. Doctors were surprised when x-rays revealed clusters of nails between his right eye and ear and at least four on the left side of his head. Edwards was uncertain how the nails got there, but he suspects his estranged girlfriend and/or agent are to blame. “The nails had been there for some time,” said Dr. Walker following the six-hour operation. “We think Braylon played most of last season with them rattling around in his head. It sort of explains why he couldn’t catch a beach ball, let alone a 10 yard pass last season.” Dr. Walker removed the nails with needle-nosed pliers and Edwards is expected to survive with no serious side effects.

Season ticket holder and Akron native Bill Watts says he’s good at assessing his favorite team’s talent. So much so, that he often brings neon cardboard signs to Browns games to share his thoughts with other fans during commercial breaks. Some people in his section think the signs are Bill’s way of getting attention and an attempt to get his face on TV. Others think he is somewhat of a football prophet. Watts has been known to say insightful things to other Browns fans during the course of a game, such as, “We need to score more points this half,” or “This is a huge third down.” But at no other time has his assessment been more accurate than the day he held up a sign that said, “Braylon couldn’t even catch a staph infection.” He proudly unveiled the sign following a 16-6 loss to the Houston Texans. Anyone who witnessed Edwards’ play knows that Watts was spot-on. Bill’s wit and attention to detail have earned him a place in the hearts of everyone here at brownieman.net.