Last week Brownie Man asked the readers of this site to prove they were die-hard Browns fans by sending in their pictures and telling him why they think they should be awarded a special surprise gift. Some people wrote poems; some showed off their Browns tattoos; and some even stooped so low as to try bribe the Brown Knight. After a week of semi-disturbing emails and hours of well needed therapy, Brownie Man has decided that the winner is Gus Angelone, a.k.a. PUMPKINHEAD! Take one look at him and you can see why. Gus can’t get enough of the Cleveland Browns! The man clearly had to rob a bank or spend his children’s college funds to afford his killer costume. He has taken it one step further by purchasing an RV that is covered in orange and brown – complete with a picture of his alter ego. This puts him among the ranks of some of the most famous (and infamous) Browns fans in the world. But his getup and his vehicle are not the only thing that got him to the Promised Land. It was the following quote from his submission last week, “My wife is so embarrassed when I put on my outfit, she says I’m an attention whore.” This is something that Brownie Man can relate to, as some people have questioned the motivation behind his madness. But in reality, it is quite simple – we love our Cleveland Browns. By the way – Many people forget that Brownie Man started off wearing brown pantyhose and an orange Speedo – so trust me, Mrs. Pumpkinhead has it easy! Bravo to Gus Angelone for his courage and his insane worship of his beloved team! He is setting the bar high for the rest of Brownie Nation. As a reward for his effort, Gus received a $30 gift certificate to the Cleveland Browns Team Shop. Hopefully he’ll find something nice for that RV, or perhaps even his embarrassed wife. Brownie Man would like to thank everyone who participated. It’s always a pleasure to connect with fellow Browns fans. He would love to award each and every participant, but let’s face it: being a super hero with no actual super powers does not pay that well. Congratulations Pumpkinhead and GO BROWNS!!

Police in Cleveland have released disturbing photograph of Brownie Man after being struck by a hit and run driver. He is shown lying motionless near the side of the road, ignored by bystanders and other drivers, who swerved to avoid his body but did nothing to help. A one-minute clip from a nearby surveillance camera is currently being reviewed by police, but it has not been made public. The film shows nine cars drive past Brownie Man’s body while several pedestrians stop and stare. One rider on a moped even circled him for a closer look before deciding to drive on. He lay crumpled on a nearby patch of grass without anyone rushing to his aid until a police car – reportedly responding to an unrelated call – arrived on the scene. The photo was released with the hope of catching the unidentified driver but also to highlight the lack of humanity in modern-day America. At the end of the day we’ve got to look at ourselves and question our morals,” said Police Chief Daron Roberts. “We have no regard for each other. I mean, the victim here was not your average citizen…we’re talking about the Brown Knight. What’s next? Is the mayor gonna rob LeBron at gunpoint?!” Brownie Man was taken to a local hospital and is listed in stable, but pissed off condition.

Brownie nation finally has a reason to rejoice. Their beloved Brownie Man, who has spent the last couple of weeks in a coma, awoke on Monday morning and appears to be on the road to recovery. Brownie Man suffered severe brain injury after repeatedly bashing his helmetless head against his living room wall. This random act of self destruction followed the Browns’ tough loss to the Detroit Lions two weeks ago. It has been reported that a Chinese woman successfully broke the Brown Knight’s comatose state by biting his toes. Lv Kui claimed that she had tried everything she could think of to wake Brownie Man but nothing seemed to work. “I played the radio, sang and talked to him, but nothing worked. I then recalled someone saying that the feet are the home for many nerves. I wondered if I could wake him by biting his toes,” Kui told the press. She later said that she bit his toes gently and faithfully every day for 2 weeks until it worked. The Brown Knight is still unable to speak, but he can move his arms and smile like the jackass that he is.