The son of Browns’ nose tackle Shaun Rogers was kidnapped by several armed men at the family’s hotel in Mumbai (India) a police spokesman said on Monday. At least four armed men drove to the Mumbai Marriott in an SUV, burst inside and pointed weapons at Rogers and his family – taking his son Tyson and leaving the rest of the family tied up. They were later freed by a member of the hotel’s staff, and appeared to be unharmed. The 18-month-old boy is widely considered the top defensive line recruit in the 2031 NFL draft, and many Browns fans hope to someday see him playing alongside his father on the team’s defensive line. The kidnappers are asking for $3,000,000 for his safe return.

Browns head coach Eric Mangini is finding new ways to keep himself busy this offseason. On Saturday afternoon he reportedly signed a deal to pose as Napoleon Bonaparte in an upcoming issue of GQ Magazine. The publication plans to do a series of issues that feature NFL coaches dressed as infamous world leaders. This should be old hat for Mangini, since he developed a bit of a Napoleon complex since joining the Browns last January. He will reportedly be paid a whopping $500,000 to pose for the March cover of the magazine. An anonymous source close to the deal had this to say, “Eric is making $500,000 to make fun of himself. For that kind of money, he was like ‘Why not? Everyone else already is! I may as well cash in.’ And it’s not like he has to get naked. If he has to be ridiculed and called names for the rest of his career in Cleveland, he’s OK with that, as long as he gets paid – sorta like Josh Cribbs.” Brownieman.net contacted Mangini on Sunday morning for comment. He had only this to say, “Look, I love who I am. You’re going to have to interpret me however you’re going to interpret me.” He then abruptly hung up the phone.

It appears that Browns head coach Eric Mangini has been bitten by the acting bug. He had brief cameo in a 2007 episode of the HBO mob drama The Sopranos, where he played himself and was only required to eat …not much of a stretch for a man of his stature. But on Wednesday afternoon, the hefty Mafioso wannabe inked a deal with Paramount Pictures to play the role of Fredo in the upcoming film The Godfather IV. The role had been played by John Cazale in the first three editions of the Godfather series, but Cazale died of bone cancer in 1978, opening the door for Mangini’s shot at Hollywood glory. Brownieman.net spoke to the film’s director Francis Ford Coppola about hiring Mangini. “Eric was perfect for the role of Fredo. In the previous films, Fredo kinda comes in and f*cks everything up. He is far less mentally acute than his younger brother Michael. Who better to play the part than Eric? Did you see his first training camp in Cleveland?” Coppola went on to say that Mangini will be required to drop at least 250 pounds by June in order to play the part. So much for preparing for the 2010 draft!

(In the voice of Captain James T. Kirk) In mythology, a phoenix is an immortal bird that, when it dies, bursts into flames and is reborn from its own ashes. “To rise from the ashes of the phoenix” means to make a miraculous comeback. Well my friends, I’m pleased to report that, although he is not a mythological bird or a Trekki, Brownie Man lives and he has risen from the ashes! He plans to entertain you, once again, during an otherwise uneventful offseason. Stay tuned for more lunacy on www.brownieman.net!

As if there wasn’t enough drama in Cleveland already, head coach Eric Mangini added more fuel to the fire on Thursday by guaranteeing the Browns will not suffer another loss this Sunday. “We’re gonna come out, and we’re gonna work hard,” he said. “And we will NOT lose to these guys. Period. I guarantee it.” When a reporter from brownieman.net informed Mangini that this is a bye week for the team, the coach waved a dismissive hand and was visibly annoyed. “We have been preparing to play the team from ‘BYE’ since Monday and I’m willing to bet my left nut, as well as the jobs of all the jagovs I hired, that we will not lose to them.” Mangini continued his moronic coach-speak for about 20 minutes without really saying anything at all. He seemed convinced that the Browns are playing an expansion team from the city of ‘Bye’ which resulted in a roomful of laughter. Maybe he will understand when he shows up for the game on Sunday and sees that no one except Derek Anderson is in the stadium.

As expected, Cleveland Browns owner Randy Lerner held a news conference this morning to announce a series of actions designed to address what he is calling “shortfalls” in the organization. The new measures include immediate policy changes such as increased playing time for Brady Quinn, a full psychiatric review of the coaching staff, and the firings of individuals who are determined to be “f*cking morons” following the internal analysis. Most NFL experts think that a minimum of six people will be terminated from their positions as a result. That number could rise to eight or ten, according to an optimistic fan from Chicago, IL. Lerner’s frustration with the team’s performance this season was clear during the 30-minute press conference, but he admitted that it pales in comparison to the frustration of the Browns’ fan base. “I have a happy family and a net worth of 1.5 billion dollars, so I think I am in a better position to handle this kind of season than the average fan is. Most of these people live and breathe Browns football and live on peanuts. I can always drop a few million at a casino or strip club to lift my spirits,” Lerner said, “What the hell are they gonna do – drink themselves to death?” Lerner expects to begin implementing his changes this week.

Jim Platt, a lifelong Bears fan, has been diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor shaped like a bear’s head, doctors confirmed this week. The growth, which is on the outside of his skull, first appeared during the 2007 pre-season. The prognosis appears uncertain at best for the last surviving brother of the Platt family, who has had an enormous presence at Soldier Field for the last two decades. The announcement was made three days after Platt was stricken at the family’s Mount Prospect (IL) home. Doctors conducted a battery of tests, including a biopsy of the bear head tumor, and identified the cancerous mass as the cause of his bizarre complexion. “I always thought the bear head was part of his game day costume – and I thought the change in his skin tone was actually face paint. I had no idea Jim was really sick,” his wife Michelle said on Thursday. The news sent shockwaves across Chicagoland. Many of his tailgating friends were visibly shaken, some tearing up, but they also expressed their hope for the best possible outcome. ‘‘The usual course of treatment includes a bear trap, radiation and chemotherapy,’’ said Dr. Mark Schwam, a neurologist who is working with Platt. But he added that decisions about the best course of treatment would be made after more tests and analysis. In the meantime, Jim Platt has decided to carry on with his everyday life. And he intends to be in the stands this Sunday to watch the Bears battle the Cleveland Browns.

The Cleveland Browns have had a tough week. They were stricken with the flu, lost D’Qwell Jackson to a season-ending pectoral injury, and almost lost another defensive player (Eric Wright) to a car wreck. Mangini’s solution? He hired a stripper dressed in a sexy nurse costume to lift the team’s spirits before the Green Bay Packers game this afternoon. “We should have our own reality show,” Mangini said. “We’ve got a great story to tell. We’ve been through a lot, and Candy here is going to make sure we have a happy ending.” Candy, a stripper originally from Akron, intends to do a private dance for the team approximately 30 minutes before kickoff. The Browns coaching staff will reportedly pay her more than $10,000 for the dance and an additional $5,000 to wear the sexy nurse outfit. There is no telling what she will make in tips. Let’s just hope the strategy works and results in a Browns victory.

The city of Cleveland is roaring in anticipation of Sunday’s showdown against the Green Bay Packers. There’s a stench in the air along the Cuyahoga River – it’s the smell of Limburger cheese. Parked between an old tire factory and an abandoned warehouse, two Packers fans are lurking. Dave Nye and his redneck brother Kip began tailgating there early Monday morning. “Me and Kip wanna be good and drunk by kickoff, so we like to get an early start,” Dave said through a hideous set of teeth. “We chose this spot by the river so we have a place to wash up in the mornin.” Kip noted that he has a ritual of carving the opposing teams mascot out of a wheel of cheese before each game for good luck.”It’s been pretty successful,” he said. “Although there’s been a few times that it attracted critters to our camp site.” The Browns take on the Packers at 1pm on Sunday. Dave and Kip will be there, wearing dairy products on their head.

There’s no more doubt: Jesus has gone on record saying he is rooting for Cleveland in this weekend’s matchup against the Steelers. “I wish the Pittsburgh the best,” the he told reporters outside of a Cleveland bar, “but I am a long-time Browns fan.” He later went on to say that the Steelers and their fan base are worthless ‘sinners’ and he joked that he would have the Holy Spirit ‘turn the whole damn city into stone’. According to those closest to Christ, he has tremendous affection for Brownie Nation, and the dawg pound in particular. Rumor has it that he intends to pass out “Pittsburgh Sucks” buttons at the game, featuring a cartoon character in his likeness.