» brownieman.net

Brownieman Cometh…..SOON!

admin — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 20:39:57 +0000

Is your life a depressing exercise in futility? Do you find that you only laugh in your dreams or while using the men’s room? Well, relax my friends because Brownie Man is coming back for another season of misery…..I mean, excitement. The Brown Knight is working on new content for the site, and should be posting regularly again soon. So dry your eyes, put down that bottle of Wild Turkey, and get yourself cleaned up…..because Brownieman Cometh…..SOON!

Happy Easter, Pittsburgh!

admin — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 16:37:14 +0000

Awww – Wook at the Wittle Baby!

admin — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 15:20:15 +0000

First birthday celebrations are almost as special and treasured as the day a newborn babies arrive in this world. They mark the first year of a family’s life together and announce many of a growing baby’s milestones during its special rookie year. Well my friends, today marks the first birthday of OUR baby – brownieman.net! My, how time flies when you’re acting like an idiot. It seems like just yesterday our baby took its first steps, and told its first “Braylon Edwards can’t catch” joke. Not that long ago our baby got its first haircut, and took a shot at Mangina and his staff for the first time. And who would have guessed our baby’s first words would be “Pittsburgh Sucks!”. Clearly, it is no coincidence that the anniversary of the launch of this site falls on April Fools’ Day – a national holiday for sarcastic jackasses like us. Thanks so much for visiting our site and for all the support during our first year of existence. We’re looking forward to 2010, and the terrible twos. Unfortunately, we don’t have enough cake to go around, so feel free to bake your own and rub it all over your body.

Another Stiller in Deep Doo Doo

admin — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 16:35:18 +0000

Another day, another crime committed by a Pittsburgh Steelers player; another lawsuit by the victim; and another black eye for an organization already known for its hideous black jerseys. This time, the accused is wide receiver and marijuana enthusiast Santonio Holmes, who told police this week that a woman called him the “N” word the same night he was accused of attacking her with a glass. It’s a classic case of “he said, she said” involving yet another misguided Yinzer in over his head. The incident occurred at Club Rain in Orlando, where the arresting officer got conflicting stories from Holmes and the woman he allegedly assaulted. Go figure! Browniman.net contacted Pittsburgh Steelers President Art Rooney II for comment, and he had this to say, “First Big Ben and now this. Why can’t these guys sit back, collect their millions, and stay the @#$% out of trouble?!” Rooney went on to say that the team is seriously considering changing its name to the Pittsburgh Jailbirds, the Pittsburgh Lawsuits, or the Pittsburgh “no more titles for 50 years because our players are f*cking morons”. We think the last one has a nice ring to it.

Fan Sentenced for Joining the Taliban

admin — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 17:24:48 +0000

Ashley Benton, a 20-year-old Browns fan from Norwalk, was captured last month while fighting for the Taliban. Benton spent her formative years in an affluent Northern Ohio community known for its love of professional football. So why did she end up training in al Qaeda camps and fighting on the Taliban front lines in Afghanistan? In interviews conducted with brownieman.net, the once seemingly typical girl revealed a painful obsession with winning and a complete mental breakdown following yet another horrific football season in Cleveland last year. That journey ended with Benton bloodied and dazed after a prison uprising last month near Mazar-e Sharif. “She’s not someone that I would have ever imagined, could pick up a gun at all,” said Frank Jackson, a Browns season ticket holder who sat next to Benton and her fiancé at every game last season. “She didn’t like the site of hotdogs with ketchup on them, so I can’t imagine her dealing well with the gruesome wounds you see in combat.” An emotionally drained Benton addressed an Ohio court at her sentencing hearing today, more than 30 days after U.S. military forces detained her in northern Afghanistan. She apologized for fighting alongside the Taliban, saying, “If I had I realized then what I know now, I never would have joined them. The fact that my beloved Cleveland Browns suck ass has nothing to do with religious jihads. I think I was just looking for an outlet for my frustration – so I turned to Osama Bin Laden for help.” Although she avoided prison time, Benton was sentenced to 20 years of being a Lions fan as part of her plea agreement.

Anderson Released, To Join the UFC

admin — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 14:45:30 +0000

With a roster bonus imminent, and Cleveland having just traded for Seattle QB Seneca Wallace, the Browns released former Oregon St. quarterback Derek Anderson. The QB had a standout season in 2007, which proved to be just a flash in the pan. According to a source close to Anderson, the former QB plans to become a UFC fighter in order to take his frustrations out on someone else’s face. Making the move from the football field to the Octagon is a tough feat but Anderson thinks his wrestling experience in middle school has prepared him well. However, his girlfriend is concerned about his desire to fight – and she should be. Former NFL wide receiver Johnnie Morton tried MMA back in 2007. He was knocked out in 39 seconds. Lorenzo Fertitta, CEO of the UFC, hopes to lure Brady Quinn – another Browns QB – into the ring to spar with Anderson in an effort to boost TV ratings in Northeast Ohio. Quinn, however, has refused to comment on the idea.

Rogers’ Son Kidnapped in India

admin — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 18:48:14 +0000

The son of Browns’ nose tackle Shaun Rogers was kidnapped by several armed men at the family’s hotel in Mumbai (India) a police spokesman said on Monday. At least four armed men drove to the Mumbai Marriott in an SUV, burst inside and pointed weapons at Rogers and his family – taking his son Tyson and leaving the rest of the family tied up. They were later freed by a member of the hotel’s staff, and appeared to be unharmed. The 18-month-old boy is widely considered the top defensive line recruit in the 2031 NFL draft, and many Browns fans hope to someday see him playing alongside his father on the team’s defensive line. The kidnappers are asking for $3,000,000 for his safe return.

Mangini to Pose for GQ Magazine

admin — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 16:18:27 +0000

Browns head coach Eric Mangini is finding new ways to keep himself busy this offseason. On Saturday afternoon he reportedly signed a deal to pose as Napoleon Bonaparte in an upcoming issue of GQ Magazine. The publication plans to do a series of issues that feature NFL coaches dressed as infamous world leaders. This should be old hat for Mangini, since he developed a bit of a Napoleon complex since joining the Browns last January. He will reportedly be paid a whopping $500,000 to pose for the March cover of the magazine. An anonymous source close to the deal had this to say, “Eric is making $500,000 to make fun of himself. For that kind of money, he was like ‘Why not? Everyone else already is! I may as well cash in.’ And it’s not like he has to get naked. If he has to be ridiculed and called names for the rest of his career in Cleveland, he’s OK with that, as long as he gets paid – sorta like Josh Cribbs.” Brownieman.net contacted Mangini on Sunday morning for comment. He had only this to say, “Look, I love who I am. You’re going to have to interpret me however you’re going to interpret me.” He then abruptly hung up the phone.

Mangini to Play Fredo in Godfather IV

admin — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 01:26:44 +0000

It appears that Browns head coach Eric Mangini has been bitten by the acting bug. He had brief cameo in a 2007 episode of the HBO mob drama The Sopranos, where he played himself and was only required to eat …not much of a stretch for a man of his stature. But on Wednesday afternoon, the hefty Mafioso wannabe inked a deal with Paramount Pictures to play the role of Fredo in the upcoming film The Godfather IV. The role had been played by John Cazale in the first three editions of the Godfather series, but Cazale died of bone cancer in 1978, opening the door for Mangini’s shot at Hollywood glory. Brownieman.net spoke to the film’s director Francis Ford Coppola about hiring Mangini. “Eric was perfect for the role of Fredo. In the previous films, Fredo kinda comes in and f*cks everything up. He is far less mentally acute than his younger brother Michael. Who better to play the part than Eric? Did you see his first training camp in Cleveland?” Coppola went on to say that Mangini will be required to drop at least 250 pounds by June in order to play the part. So much for preparing for the 2010 draft!

Captain’s Log, Star Date 2510: BM Lives!

admin — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 17:12:16 +0000

(In the voice of Captain James T. Kirk) In mythology, a phoenix is an immortal bird that, when it dies, bursts into flames and is reborn from its own ashes. “To rise from the ashes of the phoenix” means to make a miraculous comeback. Well my friends, I’m pleased to report that, although he is not a mythological bird or a Trekki, Brownie Man lives and he has risen from the ashes! He plans to entertain you, once again, during an otherwise uneventful offseason. Stay tuned for more lunacy on www.brownieman.net!