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Yinzer Fashion Statement

admin — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 21:02:53 +0000

Favre Teaches Colt to Use Big Boy Potty

admin — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 19:49:53 +0000

During the offseason, Browns second year quarterback Colt McCoy decided he needed some help learning the team’s new West Coast offense – especially since the lockout prevented him from meeting with the coaching staff. So McCoy packed his bags and headed to Hattiesburg, Mississippi to pick the brain of 3-time NFL MVP and Wrangler spokesman, Brett Favre. Following practice today, McCoy described, in detail, the time he shared this summer with Favre, who seems to have finally retired for good. McCoy said the pair of quarterbacks — the graying gunslinger and his eager protégé – immersed themselves in learning.”I learned a lot,” McCoy said, “He even taught me how to pee-pee in a big boy potty, so I can’t thank him enough for the time he spent with me. I have a much better grasp of the offense and I’ll be more comfortable during games this season, now that I don’t have to wear Pampers anymore.” The news came as a surprise to many Browns fans, some of whom wondered if Favre helped him go number two as well. “We didn’t even go there,” McCoy said, laughing. “We just talked football and limited the restroom instruction to number one. He really helped me though. The guy has been peeing like a big boy for almost 40 years, so he’s a great resource to have and I appreciate him being willing to spend a couple of days with me to help me out. He even gave me a free pair of Wranglers! Check these bad boys out!” Calls to Favre seeking comment were not immediately returned.

Q&A With An Inbred Bungals Fan

admin — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 01:42:32 +0000

Ravens RB Williams To Be Paid in Drugs

admin — Sun, 07 Aug 2011 20:17:29 +0000

According to NFL source, veteran running back and Bob Marley super-fan Ricky Williams has agreed to a rather unconventional, and downright felonious, two-year deal with the Baltimore Ravens. The team will announce the deal on Monday, pending Williams passing a physical. Instead of getting paid millions of dollars, the running back worked out a deal between the Ravens and his long time drug dealer to pay him $2.5 million dollars worth of marijuana in 2011. The contract could also include some escalators that would increase his compensation to $4 million worth of pot, the source told brownieman.net. The 34-year-old Williams has 9,565 yards rushing in 131 career games. Not bad for someone who admittedly smoked his weight in weed before each game. In 2010, he rushed for 673 yards for the Miami Dolphins while sharing the football and his bong with Ronnie Brown. Williams had been with the Dolphins since 2002, longer than any other player on their roster. His longevity is a surprise considering he retired for a season in 2004 to spend time working for a Columbian drug cartel. He then had a brief stint as Editor in Chief for High Times magazine and played in only one NFL game in 2006-07.

Brownie Man Arrives at Camp Via Balloon

admin — Sun, 31 Jul 2011 21:08:31 +0000

Brownie Man surprised fans this morning by arriving at training camp in a most unusual way – via hot air balloon. Built in the shape of an obese woman’s ass, the balloon was nearly 90 feet tall and held 110,000 cubic feet of air. The caped crusader heard a roar of cheers as he floated down to the practice field to deliver a speech in front of players and fans. The reception appeared to make Brownie Man get a little choked up. “I really didn’t plan on getting emotional,” he said. “I can’t say what this means to me. It’s just surreal. I mean, first the lockout ends, and then the Browns ask me to arrive in this, rather crude, balloon to help them open training camp. I’ve never felt so honored.” The Brown Knight went on to say that he took three practice runs leading up this morning’s main event. It went off without a hitch – except for maybe his nerves. At about 65,000 feet, his hands began to sweat and his heart began racing. Brownie Man landed on the 10-yard line near the south end zone before unhooking his harness and waving to the cheering crowd. Too bad he didn’t land in the end zone — it might have been the first and only Browns touchdown of the season. As for hot air ballooning, Brownie Man said he’s taken his last ride. “I’m glad I got an opportunity to do this, but there is no way in hell I’m going to ride that fat lady’s ass again. I can cross this off my bucket list.”

Browns Training Camp to Open 7/31

admin — Tue, 26 Jul 2011 19:56:00 +0000

Cleveland Browns Training Camp will run from Sunday, July 31st through Tuesday August 23rd, most of which will be open to the public. August 6th is the annual “Family Torture Day”, featuring a full pads practice that begins at 2 p.m. at Cleveland Browns Stadium. All masochists and their families are invited to attend and watch the Browns begin their 2011 fight with Cincinnati for last place in the AFC North. Admission is free.

Browns Fans Mourn End of NFL Lockout

admin — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 19:36:53 +0000

The NFL’s four-month-long lockout (a.k.a. Greed Fest 2011) is considered over and done with, as team owners and the NFLPA shook hands on a new 10-year labor deal on Monday. For the lockout to officially end, the league’s 1,900 players need to stop acting like jackasses and vote to ratify the new deal in the coming days. For most players and fans, Monday’s news came as a relief. But many Cleveland Browns fans are mourning the end of the NFL lockout. Perhaps the lockout and the hope of a lost season gave them a brief moment of peace in their otherwise stressful lives. The fact that the Browns have (yet another) new head coach, new staff members, a new offense, and a very green QB has fans wondering if they are better off taking cyanide pills before week 1. Perhaps those fans are just a bunch of bitter drunks who are stuck in 1986. Regardless, the NFL is back – and brownieman.net is ready for some football!

Big Ben Drugs Fiance, Ties the Knot

admin — Sun, 17 Jul 2011 19:01:23 +0000

Ben Roethlisberger has officially turned in his “playah card” and says he is no longer interested in nightclubs or forced sexual encounters with female fans. The Pittsburgh Steeler QB drugged fellow Yinzer Ashley Harlan, a 26-year-old gold-digger, and wed her in a private ceremony in Pittsburgh. Just a little over a year after the 29-year-old quarterback was accused of sexual assault for a second time, a source told brownieman.net that Big Ben had the city’s police at his beck and call to protect his big day. Just in case guns and badges were not enough to keep hecklers away, the two-time Super Bowl winner, who weighs in at 286 pounds, required all guests to present a special slip of paper to gain access to the church and the reception. They were also given wristbands confirming their entry once inside. But it wasn’t the over-the-top security that surprised everyone – it was the slew of Christian music artists who took part in the nuptials. Perhaps it shouldn’t have been a surprise. Roethlisberger has said he and his new spouse did not live together before marriage for “religious reasons”. Besides Roethlisberger’s teammates, the guest list included Michael Vick’s dog sitter, OJ Simpson, & Casey Anthony.

Muni Lot Seagulls Attack Local Man

admin — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 18:36:43 +0000

A 58 year-old man from Cleveland was left with blood pouring down his face after he was dive bombed by a gang of Muni Lot seagulls. Nick Church sustained deep claw wounds to his head from the attack, while mountain climbing on the shores of Lake Erie. He said he had no idea why he was targeted, but suggested the unusual behavior was probably due to their frustration over the NFL lockout. “Seagulls survive for months on tailgater’s leftovers in the Muni Lot,” Church said. “It’s their main source of food from September to January, so I think this attack was driven by frustration on their part.” When asked what was going through his mind when the attack occurred, Church said he thought he’d been hit on the head with a rock or a brick. “I staggered a bit and I looked up to see the half a dozen seagulls flying away, then the blood started coming down over my eyes and face. Clearly, they were trying to send a message.” Church was treated for deep scratch wounds at the Cleveland Clinic. According to the National Center on Birds of Prey, seagull attacks on humans are very rare and the small numbers that do happen are thought to be cases where adults are defending their young.

Happy 4th! Don’t Blow Your Junk Off.

admin — Tue, 05 Jul 2011 04:28:10 +0000

Happy 4th of July from your friends at brownieman.net. We hope your plans involve beer, barbecues, and bad decisions. Just remember folks: It’s all fun and games until someone loses a testicle. Viva America!