As if there wasn’t enough drama in Cleveland already, head coach Eric Mangini added more fuel to the fire on Thursday by guaranteeing the Browns will not suffer another loss this Sunday. “We’re gonna come out, and we’re gonna work hard,” he said. “And we will NOT lose to these guys. Period. I guarantee it.” When a reporter from brownieman.net informed Mangini that this is a bye week for the team, the coach waved a dismissive hand and was visibly annoyed. “We have been preparing to play the team from ‘BYE’ since Monday and I’m willing to bet my left nut, as well as the jobs of all the jagovs I hired, that we will not lose to them.” Mangini continued his moronic coach-speak for about 20 minutes without really saying anything at all. He seemed convinced that the Browns are playing an expansion team from the city of ‘Bye’ which resulted in a roomful of laughter. Maybe he will understand when he shows up for the game on Sunday and sees that no one except Derek Anderson is in the stadium.

As expected, Cleveland Browns owner Randy Lerner held a news conference this morning to announce a series of actions designed to address what he is calling “shortfalls” in the organization. The new measures include immediate policy changes such as increased playing time for Brady Quinn, a full psychiatric review of the coaching staff, and the firings of individuals who are determined to be “f*cking morons” following the internal analysis. Most NFL experts think that a minimum of six people will be terminated from their positions as a result. That number could rise to eight or ten, according to an optimistic fan from Chicago, IL. Lerner’s frustration with the team’s performance this season was clear during the 30-minute press conference, but he admitted that it pales in comparison to the frustration of the Browns’ fan base. “I have a happy family and a net worth of 1.5 billion dollars, so I think I am in a better position to handle this kind of season than the average fan is. Most of these people live and breathe Browns football and live on peanuts. I can always drop a few million at a casino or strip club to lift my spirits,” Lerner said, “What the hell are they gonna do – drink themselves to death?” Lerner expects to begin implementing his changes this week.

Jim Platt, a lifelong Bears fan, has been diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor shaped like a bear’s head, doctors confirmed this week. The growth, which is on the outside of his skull, first appeared during the 2007 pre-season. The prognosis appears uncertain at best for the last surviving brother of the Platt family, who has had an enormous presence at Soldier Field for the last two decades. The announcement was made three days after Platt was stricken at the family’s Mount Prospect (IL) home. Doctors conducted a battery of tests, including a biopsy of the bear head tumor, and identified the cancerous mass as the cause of his bizarre complexion. “I always thought the bear head was part of his game day costume – and I thought the change in his skin tone was actually face paint. I had no idea Jim was really sick,” his wife Michelle said on Thursday. The news sent shockwaves across Chicagoland. Many of his tailgating friends were visibly shaken, some tearing up, but they also expressed their hope for the best possible outcome. ‘‘The usual course of treatment includes a bear trap, radiation and chemotherapy,’’ said Dr. Mark Schwam, a neurologist who is working with Platt. But he added that decisions about the best course of treatment would be made after more tests and analysis. In the meantime, Jim Platt has decided to carry on with his everyday life. And he intends to be in the stands this Sunday to watch the Bears battle the Cleveland Browns.

The Cleveland Browns have had a tough week. They were stricken with the flu, lost D’Qwell Jackson to a season-ending pectoral injury, and almost lost another defensive player (Eric Wright) to a car wreck. Mangini’s solution? He hired a stripper dressed in a sexy nurse costume to lift the team’s spirits before the Green Bay Packers game this afternoon. “We should have our own reality show,” Mangini said. “We’ve got a great story to tell. We’ve been through a lot, and Candy here is going to make sure we have a happy ending.” Candy, a stripper originally from Akron, intends to do a private dance for the team approximately 30 minutes before kickoff. The Browns coaching staff will reportedly pay her more than $10,000 for the dance and an additional $5,000 to wear the sexy nurse outfit. There is no telling what she will make in tips. Let’s just hope the strategy works and results in a Browns victory.

The city of Cleveland is roaring in anticipation of Sunday’s showdown against the Green Bay Packers. There’s a stench in the air along the Cuyahoga River – it’s the smell of Limburger cheese. Parked between an old tire factory and an abandoned warehouse, two Packers fans are lurking. Dave Nye and his redneck brother Kip began tailgating there early Monday morning. “Me and Kip wanna be good and drunk by kickoff, so we like to get an early start,” Dave said through a hideous set of teeth. “We chose this spot by the river so we have a place to wash up in the mornin.” Kip noted that he has a ritual of carving the opposing teams mascot out of a wheel of cheese before each game for good luck.”It’s been pretty successful,” he said. “Although there’s been a few times that it attracted critters to our camp site.” The Browns take on the Packers at 1pm on Sunday. Dave and Kip will be there, wearing dairy products on their head.

There’s no more doubt: Jesus has gone on record saying he is rooting for Cleveland in this weekend’s matchup against the Steelers. “I wish the Pittsburgh the best,” the he told reporters outside of a Cleveland bar, “but I am a long-time Browns fan.” He later went on to say that the Steelers and their fan base are worthless ‘sinners’ and he joked that he would have the Holy Spirit ‘turn the whole damn city into stone’. According to those closest to Christ, he has tremendous affection for Brownie Nation, and the dawg pound in particular. Rumor has it that he intends to pass out “Pittsburgh Sucks” buttons at the game, featuring a cartoon character in his likeness.

The Buffalo Bills & Buffalo Sabres will merge to form one team, and relocate to Toronto, according to an anonymous source close to both teams. An ownership group in Canada has offered over $850 million for the teams. The source informed brownieman.net that the decision was relatively easy to come to. Since both teams suck and win about 50% of their games, collectively they should win more. The ownership group wants to move the new “hybrid” team to Toronto in order to increase attendance and create a rivalry with the Toronto Maple Leafs, similar to the Yankees/Mets rivalry in New York. The current owners have said they’ve lost millions of dollars in recent years because their stadiums are too small and outdated and the lease terms are unfavorable. It is rumored that the sale and relocation of the team will take place before Sunday’s game against the Browns, which could result in Cleveland’s first victory of the year – albeit by forfeit.

The Cleveland Browns have burst out of the gate this season to an astounding 0-3 record. The team has had to work hard to be outscored 95-29 in those three games and it is no secret that they have managed to score only one offensive touchdown in their past nine games dating to last season. After the benching of Brady Quinn last week, Anderson came in to save the day. He went on to complete 11 of 19 passes for 92 yards and three interceptions. Brownieman.net was able to reach Anderson for comment, “I felt like I went out there and did what I can do,” Anderson said. “I don’t think I’m going to actually win games this season, but I know I can set the all-time franchise record for interceptions…which is quite an accomplishment. I’ll continue to telegraph passes and force throws into triple coverage until the record is all mine.” Anderson will get a chance to do just that this weekend as the starting QB against the Bengals.

The Browns are 0-3 so far this season. We don’t know who our quarterback is. Our offense couldn’t score with a handful of cash and a prostitute. The defense couldn’t tackle a dead man. Our coach is a huge bastard. Feeling depressed? When you feel like you can’t go on, call a suicide hotline: 1-800-784-2433.

The Minnesota Vikings announced today that they have officially changed the name of their mascot to the Viqueens in an effort to more accurately reflect the players on the 2009 roster. In addition, the team unveiled a new logo as part of their re-branding effort. “Today marks the next era in Minnesota football,” General Manager Rick Spielman said on Thursday. “Our new look is part of our continuing effort to celebrate the culture of girly men that we have been cultivating here since 1961. It also serves as a reminder to other NFL fans that we are a bunch of sissies that prefer to play football indoors.” The new logo depicts a pink, blushing Viking in drag, complete with a purple bow in her braid. Fans will also notice new “unisex” team lettering inspired by the thousands of confused football fans from the North Star State. Fans wishing to purchase new jerseys or other merchandise featuring the new logo can visit www.viqueenstoys.com.