In the modern era of NFL football, the Cleveland Browns are one of only a few remaining teams not to have a professional cheerleading squad. That changed this morning when team president Mike Holmgren announced the Browns’ plan to hold open tryouts in July. “When people ask me why the Browns don’t have cheerleaders, I usually tell them to go fuck themselves. The Steelers, Giants, Bears, Lions, and Packers don’t have them, and with the exception of Detroit, they’ve all won Super Bowls,” Holmgren said. “But then I got to thinkin – season ticket sales are in the shithouse – and what better way to give them a little boost than by adding a little T&A to the mix?” Historically, the Browns have shied away from hiring cheerleaders, but have never officially said why. Many fans believe it’s because of the team’s old-school mentality (note the logo-less helmet). Others believe it is because Cleveland’s cold temperatures would prohibit the cheerleaders from showing the amount of skin that would translate to cash at the ticket office. A small group of disgruntled fans believe the real reason is because there hasn’t been anything to cheer about since 1964. Yet every year team executives are inundated with requests for the scantily-clad dressed women. Holmgren has received two such requests since the 2010 NFL season ended. “I think that shows the desire is there,” he said. “Although our IT guy told me that both requests came from the same individual. Not sure how the hell he could possibly know that, but whatever. We all know sex sells, and that’s good enough for me.”

According to the Associated Press, Hollywood icon and diehard Cleveland Browns fan, Robert Downey Jr. wants to legally change his name to Robert BROWNIE Jr. before the start of 2011 NFL season. Downey’s attorney filed a petition in Columbus, Ohio last week seeking the change. In court documents obtained by brownieman.net, the actor cited personal reasons for the request. His publicist has since confirmed that the change was in honor of his beloved Cleveland Browns, as well as a nod to his mother Elsie’s pot brownies. Downey may be best known for his run-ins with the law and battles with drug and alcohol abuse, but now he wants to be known as a card-carrying member of the Dawg Pound. He wouldn’t be the first person to make a change to an unusual name. In 2007, a member of the Ohio National Guard legally changed his name to Optimus Prime before being deployed in the Middle East. And in the NFL, Cincinnati Bengals WR Chad Johnson changed his last name to Ochocinco in 2008. An August 14th court date was set to consider Downey’s petition.

Kathy Danna, a 38-year old accountant from Akron, has decided to give her baby up for adoption because she can’t stomach the idea of raising a child that was fathered by a hillbilly from Western Pennsylvania. The woman discovered she was pregnant just weeks after sleeping with Anthony Gale, 47, who she met at a baseball game in Pittsburgh. To add insult to injury, Danna has been married for over four years and was unsure who the father of her baby was at first. However, an ultrasound on Wednesday confirmed that the baby she is carrying is, in fact, Yinzer offspring. “The doctor showed me the ultrasound and I could see that the baby was holding a terrible towel in its hand,” she said. “I was so upset, I collapsed. My husband Rick has been a Browns fan since he was nine, so I knew Anthony had to be the father. It made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.” Danna went on to say the sexual encounter between her and Mr. Gale was a one-time thing and the result of “being severely intoxicated and making bad decisions”, but she vowed to rectify her mistake by giving her baby up for adoption. At one point during her interview Danna admitted that she briefly considered having an abortion but ultimately decided it was not in-line with her moral compass, further explaining that even Yinzers have a place in god’s world. Although her husband Rick hasn’t forgiven her for her transgressions, she hopes to smooth things over by giving him a pair of Dawg Pound tickets this season. Rick did not immediately return calls for comment, but a friend close to the situation said he’s seriously considering his wife’s offer.

They’re calling it the most disgusting thing they have ever seen. Police in Maumee, OH made a shocking discovery on Saturday afternoon. Two young children, forced at gun point to dress from head to toe in Cleveland Browns clothes, were held hostage by their father in the basement of their own home for over three years. The children were forced to watch previously recorded Cleveland Browns games every day since their father first reported them missing in 2008. Ike Thurmond, 51, has been arrested and is accused of treating his children like prisoners, under horrendous conditions. Police say the inside of the Thurmond home was filled with trash, roaches, and Browns paraphernalia. Ike Thurmond faces 346 counts, ranging from gun charges to child abuse and false imprisonment. The children were discovered just after 2pm on Saturday, when a neighbor working in his yard heard their faint cries for help. Following a swift rescue, Maumee police chief Doug Carlisle was asked if he had ever seen anything like this before. “No, this takes the cake,” he said. “I’ve been in law enforcement for 30 years, and this is the most disgusting thing I’ve seen. I mean, this sick son of a bitch made his children watch highlights from the 1999 season! The Browns were 2-14 that year, for Christ’s sake! How can you knowingly torture your own flesh and blood like that?” When police asked Thurmond why he did it, he reportedly told them it was because his kids were becoming increasingly interested in English Premier League soccer during the NFL lockout. The children are now in protective custody and will likely be placed in foster homes if their father is convicted.

The Cleveland Browns have no shortage of famous fans. Martin Mull, Drew Carey, Condoleezza Rice and others are often seen in Cleveland Browns Stadium on Sundays. But the Dawg Pound just got a little bit cooler, in a James Bond, shaken not stirred, kind of a way. In a recent interview with brownieman.net, Hollywood icon Sean Connery admitted that he is a closet Browns fan. Here is an excerpt from that conversation:

Brownieman.net: How long have you been a Browns fan?

Connery: I was born in Fountainbridge, Edinburgh. My mother, Euphamia, was a cleaning lady, and my father, Joseph, was a factory worker and truck driver. What that has to do with being a Browns fan, I don’t know. Neither of them were into sports, and we didn’t own a television. Like your Lady Gaga, I suppose I was born this way.

Brownieman.net: Do you catch many games?

Connery: Ha! I haven’t missed a snap in over 40 years. I’ve got direct TV now, you know. The last few years have been hard to swallow, haven’t they? I look for the bright spots here and there, but when things go poorly I often wonder what would I do if I were coaching the team.

Brownieman.net: Well, what would you do?

Connery: Put the fear of god in the players, for starters. (laughs)

Brownieman.net: How?

Connery: Well, I’d start by putting on the outfit I wore during the filming of Zardoz in 1974. It was an orange number that looked like a cross between a bandito vest and an adult diaper. I’d pair that with some thigh-high brown boots and a braid that stretches down to my nipples.

Brownieman.net: How exactly would that put the fear of god into them?

Connery: Clearly, you haven’t seen the movie. It was set in the future – at a time when Earth is divided into two camps: the barely civilized group and the overly civilized one with mental powers. A plague is attacking the second group, after which its members cease to have any interest in life and become nearly catatonic. I played Zed, a barbarian who crossed over, threatening the tenuous balance of the world.

Brownieman.net: I’m sorry, I don’t follow. Can you answer the fuckin question in English, please?

Connery: I think if I dress like an armed pervert from 1974, and wave a gun around a little bit, it might inspire the players to perform better.

Brownieman.net: I see. The classic threat of violence. Well, I guess it’s worth a try. How do you feel about the lockout situation?

Connery: The same way you do, I suppose. Fame and fortune offer no special comfort from the frustration those greedy bastards are causing.

Brownieman.net: Good point. We’re all looking forward to the 2011 season. What’s the worst that could happen?

Connery: My friends could continue to tease me for being a Browns fan, or worse yet, express sympathy. But you know what I say? Fuck them! I still believe that, in my lifetime, I’ll see the Browns win a Super Bowl. But I’m 81, so they’d better get going. (laughs)

Brownieman.net: That was a rhetorical question, Sean.

A woman from Dormont was jailed today after police found her two-year old wandering the Southside alone, dressed in a Steelers cheerleader outfit. Police say they found 32-year old Kimberly Varga’s daughter three blocks from her boyfriend’s apartment, unsupervised in soiled diapers. Varga faces three counts of endangering a child. One count for forcing her daughter to dress like a dumbass; one for dating a dumbass; and a third for leaving the child on the streets of Pittsburgh without food, water, or terrible towel. She could face additional charges for misusing Steelers paraphernalia during the offseason. The child was examined by local paramedics as a precaution before being released to Child Protective Services. As Varga was placed in a police car, witnesses heard her say, “Yinz guys wanna babysit my daughter N’at? I gotta go dahn-tahn fer-bit.” to a group of onlookers. “This dizzy bitch, shouldn’t be anyone’s mother,” the arresting officer said. “But sadly, this kind of thing happens all the time. Yinzer toddlers run around on the city like stray dogs in Thailand.” Varga remains in Allegheny Jail on five thousand dollars bond.

Deja Blu, a 1,500-pound bull from the Professional Bull Riders circuit backed up his promise to let a no-talent ass-clown ride him during PBR event. NFL receiver Chad Ochocinco earned $10,000 for making it out of the chute atop the raging bull, but the ride only lasted 1.5 seconds – which many NFL experts believe is 1.5 seconds longer than he’ll be a Super Bowl champion in his lifetime. Ochocinco, who wore a fencing helmet and a Kevlar vest, fell 6.5 seconds short of the time needed to win a new Ford truck and earn the right to rename the bull after Cincinnati Bengals coach Marvin Lewis. After getting beaten like a gum chewer in Singapore, the shit-talking receiver said he would never ride a bull again.”Oh, hell no! One and done, baby.” he said. The publicity stunt was the latest for Ochocinco, whose Twitter account has nearly 2 million hillbilly followers from Kentucky. Ochocinco and Deja Blu were the feature event at intermission of the Lucas Oil Invitational, the attendance of which topped last season’s “Dollar Meth Night” promotion on July 19, 2010.

On the surface, Phil Dawson’s life as a placekicker doesn’t seem like a recipe for a New York Times best seller. But soon after the lockout began, he became restless, and decided to begin writing about his experiences on and off the field. And the rest, as they say, is history. A 350 page book was recently released by Cardinal Publishing and is written in a smooth conversational style. How to Eat Shit and Die for Dumbasses is dedicated to the Baltimore Ravens organization. Although the title suggests it is an instructional manual, the pages are really more of a collection of jokes, insults, and incoherent drunken rambling directed at a team that has dominated Phil Dawson and his teammates over the last 12 years –something that the kicker hopes to change in 2011. “I’m very proud of my book and I’m glad it’s out,” he said during a recent interview with brownieman.net. “It was therapeutic in a way. I’m so sick of those arrogant pricks and it is my sincere hope that they dine on a steaming plate of hot shit, and die shortly thereafter.” Dawson began working on the book in March, starting out by pouring through news clippings he had saved over the years. “I thought, even if nothing comes of the book, the information will be in a form that my friends and family could read and enjoy for themselves.” It only took two months to piece the story together and the process “helped me heal and get fired up for next season, assuming there is one,” Dawson said. In the meantime, the kicker is now at work on his second book (dedicated to the Pittsburgh Steelers). It is tentatively titled, Burn in Hell, After You Die From Septic Shock.