At brownieman.net, we laugh because the only other alternative is to cry. And we recently celebrated our second birthday! For over two years, we’ve been entertaining Browns fans and making new friends by acting like jagoffs. Too bad we accidentally deleted our website archives! Not to worry though – we fired the guy responsible for that and there’s plenty more to come. Thank you for stopping by and for all your support over the last couple of years. Your feedback has helped make this site what it is today. Be sure to share your pictures, videos, and stories with Brownie Man on Facebook, and as always, GO BROWNS!

Opinions on the Browns 2011 draft picks are like assholes – everyone has one, but no one wants to hear them. Unless of course you’re a former stripper, turned NFL analyst named Ashley Giles. Ms. Giles recently joined WMDB News as their resident NFL “expert”. We’re not quite sure what qualifies Ashley to be a pro football analyst, but WMDB President Ron Abrams told brownieman.net that their Sunday morning news ratings are up 825% from the previous offseason. But that’s where the good news ends. On her first segment following the 2011 NFL draft, Giles was somewhat critical of the Browns picks. “This year’s draft cannot, like, be graded without considering what the Browns gained in their first-round trade with the Atlanta Falcons,” she said as she twiddled her hair and chewed Double Bubble. “But who are these guys?!” Giles then proceeded to comment about the individual players chosen by the Browns:

• On DT Phil Taylor: “He’s, like, a big, run-stuffing defensive tackle who will start immediately. He’s also, like, a big cuddly teddy bear who would, like, rip your head off if you mess with him. But he has the same name as my dentist. Phil? EW! What were they thinking?!”

• On DE Jabaal Sheard: “The Browns are, like, screwed when it comes to defensive end, so Sheard will be another starter for sure. He was, like, the best-rated defensive end left on the board, but he reminds me of my ex-manager Tony, who, like, totally tried to play me. Not a good pick, Cleveland!”

• On WR Greg Little: “This was, like, my favorite pick of the first round. Greg wasn’t as big of a name as A.J. Green or Julio Jones, but he’s, like, WAY cute! He could totally do porn.”

Most people were surprised to see the Browns take a tight end and a fullback in the fourth round, but Giles said they simply went with the best looking players available on their draft board. During her show she analyzed each players body, their hair and teeth – and even their ex-girlfriends. Taking all of that information into consideration, Giles gave the Browns an overall draft grade of C+.

As Brownie Man waltzed past cameras at the White House on Thursday night, he looked as though he belonged there, except for one tiny detail – his wardrobe. “The minute I saw him, I thought, ‘Who the f*ck is that clown?!’ Then I saw the name on his cape and immediately grabbed the guest list – but his name wasn’t on there,” said Nancy Roberts, who was in charge of greeting guests at the entrance. The Brown Knight’s name wasn’t on the list because he wasn’t officially invited. Yet somehow he managed to talk his way past the Secret Service and into the star-studded NFL draft party, where he warmed up to Vice President Joe Biden, pumped the keg for Obama and Michelle, and even told jokes to the Marines posted at the door. The Secret Service has launched an investigation into the security breach and says a preliminary probe reveals that proper procedure wasn’t followed at one of its checkpoints. However, this is hardly Brownie Man’s first foray into the spotlight. Some believe he’s a former high school cheerleader and he’s recently been involved in a public dispute over control of a family vineyard in Maumee, OH. Late Friday, representatives for Brownie Man released a statement saying he “did not crash the event and that he looks forward to setting the record straight very soon.”

A little more than seven years after dying of a heart aneurysm in Sarasota, Florida, former Browns great Otto Graham announced today that he would forego the afterlife and “test the waters” of the NFL draft. “After talking it over with the big guy up here, I have decided to forgo my eighth year in paradise and enter into the 2011 NFL Draft,” Graham said in a statement released by an angel moonlighting as an agent for deceased athletes. “The Browns suck; the overall talent in the NFL is getting worse by the season; Goodell wants to increase the number of games; and there is talk that there may be a team in London someday. WTF?! I have to come back and try to straighten some of this out.” Upon joining the Cleveland Browns in 1946, Graham played quarterback and lead the team to the league championship game in each of his ten seasons, winning on seven occasions. He’s hoping the Browns will trade up from the sixth pick in the draft to take him. “If the fans thought I was good before, they should see me now that I am immortal,” he said. “I may look 82 years old, but I never get tired or injured, so I’m hoping the club will take a chance on me.” Representatives of the Cleveland Browns declined to comment.

There are two key things that head coach Pat Shurmur is learning about Mike Holmgren:
1) he doesn’t want him to speak unless spoken to, and 2) even then he should shut his pretty little pie-hole.
The gloriously direct President of the Cleveland Browns took the podium in Berea on Saturday, just weeks before the draft, to tell reporters that Coach Shurmur would have “zero” input on draft day decisions. This made for a somewhat awkward press conference, since Shurmur was sitting directly to his left. When asked by reporters to elaborate, Holmgren had this to say: “I don’t even want him there. For starters, the fans in Cleveland have no idea who the hell Pat is. Secondly, if I wanted to hear someone else’s opinion, other than Tom’s, I’d call about 32,000 other people before Pat. He is here to coach – pure and simple – until I feel like coaching again. I told him that on day one.” Holmgren went on to say that he is also physically bigger than Shurmur, which could come in handy, should the coach decide to “grow a pair” at any point. When reporters asked Shurmur for comment, he blinked repeatedly, looked up and Holmgren, and blinked repeatedly again – without uttering a word. That caused Holmgren to grin, rub his head, and say “good boy” under his breath. It doesn’t make sense, in the buttoned-up world of the NFL, to be so nakedly candid as Holmgren is. Reporters, who are used to covering coaches that all look and sound the same, are shaken by Holmgren’s demeanor. But he doesn’t give two shits about that either.

The Cleveland Browns unveiled renovated restrooms at Cleveland Browns Stadium on Friday and Todd Argust, Director of Stadium Operations, says he hopes the changes will one day lure a Super Bowl to town. The women’s restrooms have been doubled in size in an effort to cut down on long lines during games, while the changes in the men’s restrooms were more aesthetic. They have been updated to include more urinals of varying heights and life-size photos of women above each station. The women, Argust says, are fully clothed. “This is a venue for families,” he said. “So we decided to keep the images PG-13. Not what I wanted to do, but I have to answer to big Mike (Holmgren).” The images include women taking photographs – presumably of a would-be urinator’s junk; a woman holding a measuring tape; and a few young ladies simply making surprised faces. Argust said the new artwork is, “more of a joke than anything else”, and should be taken as such. Assuming there is a 2011 season, the new restrooms will open in early September, but the Browns hope the new attraction will eventually lure the Super Bowl to Cleveland. “The first step is to see how the cold-weather Super Bowl goes in New York,” Argust said. “If the league has a good experience, then there will undoubtedly be teams that come back and ask for a cold-weather Super Bowl, and we would certainly be on that list. I mean, who wouldn’t want to piss here?!” The renovation cost the team about $1.6 million dollars, and they are the first changes to the stadium since it opened in 1999.

Cleveland police arrested a man yesterday who played a role in a series of local bank robberies, including one at a Huntington Bank branch on Friday. Ted Levine, 54, was arrested at 8:43 a.m. Friday following a car chase, according to the police log. Levin is a television and film actor best known for playing the role of Buffalo Bill in the 1991 movie “Silence of the Lambs”. A native of Bellaire, Ohio, Levin is an avid Browns fan and not afraid to show his team spirit. On Wednesday, a man described as white, between the ages of 50 – 60, about 5-feet-11 inches, wearing a Cleveland Browns hat, Jim Brown jersey, and high heels, entered the Huntington Bank branch on Euclid Avenue and handed a teller a note demanding money. According to police the note read, “It puts the money in the basket. It does this whenever it is told.” When the bank teller questioned the meaning of the note, Levin yelled, “PUT THE MONEY IN THE F*CKIN BASKET!!!” He then fled with an undisclosed sum of cash and the skin of the teller in what police believe was a 1996 white Chevrolet van. A man fitting similar descriptions is a suspect in six other recent bank robberies. In all of those cases, a similar note was given to the tellers, just prior to their faces being peeled off. According to police, Levin faces charges of robbery, operating a motor vehicle with a suspended license, failure to stop for police and scaring the shit out of everyone he comes across.

Now that NFL owners have officially locked out the players, there are no meetings to go to; no weights to lift; no playbooks to study. Many of the younger athletes are bored to tears, but some veterans are still finding ways to keep themselves busy. Such is the case with Browns’ linebacker Scott Fujita. Just a few days after learning about the lockout, Fujita spent twelve hours at a local tattoo parlor getting a tattoo on his stomach. The subject of the tatt? His recently deceased cat, Wiggles. “I wanted to make sure I remember him every time I get undressed,” he said during an interview with brownieman.net. Fujita, 31, decided to make his body the site of a permanent tribute to his best friend, who died of kidney failure in late 2010. The artwork features the fun-loving Calico from behind, which Fujita says symbolizes him ‘scampering his way to heaven’. Wiggles is fondly remembered by other Browns players – but some of Fujita’s teammates questioned his judgement, including cornerback Joe Haden. “I can understand a man getting inked up when a friend or relative dies. But we’re talking about a cat here,” he said on Monday. “I mean, I have a locker right next to him – and now I gotta see his cat’s ass before every game?! That’s just nasty.” Haden went on to say that he’s actually looking forward to a nice, long lockout.

The NFL officially announced a lockout of players by team owners, following the move by the NFLPA to dissolve themselves and pursue court action against the league. Typically, a lockout closes down all league activities and halts dealings between players and clubs. But this year’s lockout is different in that it is focused solely on special teams. The NFL issued a statement saying that only punters will be locked out – a gesture many NFL insiders believe is the first step in renewing talks with the player’s union. “We’ve decided to lockout punters because we’re pissed and wanted to lock SOMEONE out. Let’s see teams try to win games without fucking punters! That’s like trying to drive a car without windshield wiper fluid,” the statement said. However, the NFLPA – also known for playing hardball – issued a statement of their own upon hearing news of the partial lockout. “Let’s face it, half the fans don’t know who these guys are anyway. It’s not like your kid is running around the fucking playground wearing a Ryan Succop jersey,” a player representative said. “So this partial lockout is a load of shit.” Whether or not the lockout can be enforced will ultimately be decided by the courts, but there remains the risk that the 2011 season could be disrupted.

According to the AP, Brownie Man and the Tooth Fairy arrived in Washington today, in a bid to jump-start contentious and slow-moving labor negotiations between the NFL and the Player’s Association. More than three hours after the pair arrived, the owners and the Players Association released a joint statement saying the mediation had started and that both parties agreed to adhere to the Tooth Fairy’s request that they not speak publicly about the process. True to their word, the owners and players declined to answer questions on their way out of the meeting. It wasn’t immediately clear when the sides would resume talks. However, Brownie Man did speak briefly when he showed up Friday morning. “Look at me. Clearly I live for football. What the hell am I gonna do this Fall without it? So I’m here to help get this resolved.” he told the Associated Press. When asked what progress he expected to come from his presence, he simply replied: “Go Browns!” The current collective bargaining agreement expires this week, but the start of mediation could be a positive sign after several months of infrequent negotiations. Prior to the meeting, the Tooth Fairy said that she would do her part by leaving fifty cents for each tooth left under the pillows of NFL owners and players.