Colt McCoy may have put his hard-living Texas Longhorn days behind him, but he’s not above getting down and dirty when he feels like he’s been provoked. During a recent interview on ESPN’s Countdown Daily, McCoy allegedly backhanded reporter Sarah Lange when she asked why the hell he was wearing a foam cowboy hat. According to a witness, the violence occurred 10 seconds into their interview. Recalling the incident, Lange said, “I thought his hat was some sort of prank. When I asked him about it, he told me he would ‘be my huckleberry’ – whatever the hell that means. The next thing I know, he bitch-slapped me.” McCoy, apparently unsatisfied with the blow, told Lange, “You’re lucky I’m a Christian.” Some say the feud between McCoy and Lange dates back to 2008, when Lange called him ‘Kevin’ several times on the air and said his performance in a college bowl game was a mere 2 out of 5 stars. McCoy demanded a public apology from Lange, but the reporter told him to ‘get bent’. According to police, no charges have been filed.

Team President Mike Holmgren sure knows how to woo a fan base. First came the ring of honor; then he fired Mangini. Now the big man is greasing the wheels even more by sending all 2011 season ticket holders a special Valentine’s Day gift: A Cleveland Browns chocolate robot. The Fox Sports “Cleatus the Robot Action Figure” comes in three different varieties: dark chocolate, milk chocolate, and white chocolate – but the recipients won’t know which one they get until it arrives at their front door. “It’s something I’ve wanted to do for some time,” Holmgren said in a telephone interview. “Our fans are our lifeblood. We want them to come back next year. So I thought: fuck it! Let’s send all of our season ticket holders chocolate robots! That’ll bring ‘em back!” The 2-foot tall edible droid weighs about three and a half pounds and retails for about $24.99. “It’s the least we can do – especially since we can’t refund their money from last year,” Holmgren admitted. He went on to say that the robots move and can even dance like that asshole Ray Lewis, and he hopes the fans appreciate the teams generosity. “Even if there is no NFL season in 2011, the fans in Cleveland will have something sweet to suck on to get them through the year.”

The Cleveland Browns have already started to make room on their offseason roster. On Wednesday afternoon, coach Shurmur and a few of his henchmen made their way through the team weight room in Berea, cutting several “expendable” players with a 3-inch box cutter. This is apparently the way the new staff plans to let players know their services are no longer needed. But only one big name headlined the list of victims.

The AP reported that defensive tackle Shaun Rogers was among five Browns to be slashed on the arms, legs, and buttocks by coach Shurmur before being notified of their release. Also on the cut list: linebacker Eric Barton, linebacker David Bowens, tight end Robert Royal, and tackle John St. Clair.

Some of the attacks came as no surprise. They were “Mangini guys” and their production no longer matched their salary, making them easy prey for the armed and angry coach. Bowens and Barton may not have fit in the team’s new defense, but Rogers’ release is more notable. The Browns clearly believed he was no longer worth all the bullshit, considering his $5.5 million salary and shaky health.

All of the victims of the attack survived but are pretty pissed off. It is unclear if Shurmur and his men will be brought up on formal charges. As far as we can tell, the team has simply moved on. It will be interesting to see if teams show interest in signing the wounded players before a possible work stoppage.

He’s one of the most recognizable faces in the NFL, and he happens to play in New York. He has a huge Nike billboard that covers the whole side of a building near Times Square, but Eli Manning came out of the closet today and admitted he is a die-hard Browns fan. After years of keeping quiet about his personal life, Manning felt enough was enough.

“I am proud to say that I am a Cleveland Browns fan,” Eli said in a message posted on his official website. “I am very blessed to be who I am.”Manning said writing his memoir and thinking about his time in New York led him to go public.

“To keep living a lie, and act like I give a shit about the Giants as I did up until today would be to indirectly diminish the glow that my kids were born with. So today is my day, this is my time, and this is my moment,” he wrote.

“These years in silence and reflection made me stronger and reminded me that acceptance has to come from within and that this kind of truth gives me the power to conquer emotions I didn’t even know existed,” he continued. “What will happen now? It doesn’t matter. The Giants organization can suck it, and Goodell can fine me. I don’t care. A weight has been lifted from my shoulders.”

Manning went on to say that he attended Browns games as a child and occasionally gets a chance to see them play when his team has a buy week – although he admits there hasn’t been much to cheer about lately. “The word “happiness” takes on a new meaning for me as of today. It has been a very intense process. Every word that I write in this letter is born out of love, acceptance, detachment and real contentment. I love the Browns, good or bad.” Manning later admitted that he’s had a Bernie Kosar tattoo on his ass since 1994, something that has been difficult to hide in the locker room.

A prestigious team of doctors at the Cleveland Clinic confirmed today that Browns quarterback Colt McCoy can indeed make objects levitate. This came after weeks of speculation that it was merely an elaborate hoax by the rookie QB. During the final game of the season, several players on the sideline witnessed McCoy “pick up” a football with his mind and make it float in front of him for 3-5 seconds. When coaches were informed, they immediately sent the young QB to the hospital for tests.

When the results came back this morning, Dr. James Kauffman and his team physicists concluded that levitation is no longer just a theory in science fiction novels. However, it should also be noted that in earlier work the same team of physicists stated that invisibility cloaks are feasible. It was later determined that they we’re simply stoned and not fit to conduct any scientific work.

This discovery could ultimately lead to the Browns to draw up a number of new trick plays on offense. “Imagine the possibilities here, people,” Coach Shurmur said in an interview on Sunday. “We can run the wildcat and have Colt snap the fucking ball with his mind, halfway across the field! He could probably do it from the locker room – that would really fuck with the defense.”

The team from the Cleveland Clinic was just as excited and amazed about the discovery. However, none of the physicists seem to know what gives McCoy this unusual ability, leaving much to speculation. Half of the men believe he is an alien from outer space. Others think he is a witch that should be burned at the stake. But some think he might be Jesus Christ, or at the very least, a distant cousin of Christ. Regardless, the Cleveland Browns have a new secret weapon and seem poised for a breakout year.

The Cleveland Browns wasted no time finding a replacement for former Defensive Coordinator, Rob Ryan. The team just announced that they have hired former NFL head coach Dick Jauron as their new D-Coordinator, a well respected 96-year-old man who spent last season in Philadelphia as the Eagles’ secondary coach. A staff writer from brownieman.net was on hand for the press conference in Berea.

“A man of his age has tremendous knowledge of the game,” Head Coach Pat Shurmur said, when asked what the hell he was smoking. “His experience in the NFL as a player, position coach, coordinator and head coach will be a huge asset to our team – even if he nods off occasionally during games. Really, my only concern is that he finds his way around ok. He seemed a little disoriented in Beria, so I took the liberty of labeling everything for him – including the toilet and urinals.”

Jauron drew interest from several other teams, but ultimately decided on Cleveland, where he’s likely to convert the Browns’ 3-4 scheme to a 4-3. Not that it will matter. “There were many elements of this job that were attractive for me,” Jauron said. “I believe that with people like Mike Holm — Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.”

After the Cleveland Browns spanked the Saints on the road, many NFL experts declared Defensive Coordinator Rob Ryan to be on the short list of potential head-coaching hires for 2011. Those experts should have checked with their Magic 8-ball, who would have undoubtedly said, “Are you f*cking crazy?!”

A beat-down of the Patriots fueled that possibility, but then a collapse by the team caused Ryan’s name to lose its luster. Couple that with the fact that he looks like a cross between an elderly Jesus and a fat Elvis Presley – things do not look good for Ryan.

Now that Pat Shurmur has been hired as the next head coach, Ryan will apparently be out of a job in Cleveland. He remains under contract, but he has not been in the office. He was last seen at a seedy strip club in Lorain, Ohio – “making it rain”, with twenty dollar bills.

Although Rob Ryan is at least a year away, if not longer, from being an NFL head coach, he should get another opportunity to serve as a defensive coordinator somewhere else. Afghanistan, planet Krypton, and the CFL are all possibilities. The staff at brownieman.net wishes him well.

The Cleveland Browns hired St. Louis Rams Offensive Coordinator Patrick Shurbert on Thursday, ending a search for their fifth coach since 1999. That search began when Eric Mangini was shit-canned just days ago. Shurbert was the first candidate interviewed by Browns President Mike Holmgren, which certainly suggests he was in a big hurry to leave for winter vacation.

Chris Palmer, Butch Davis, Romeo Crennel and Mangina each failed in trying to build a consistent winner in Cleveland since the expansion of 1999. Now, it’s Shurbert’s turn. The 45-year-old, who has an uncle named Fritz, will take over a team that has made just one playoff appearance in thirteen f*ckin years. YAY team!

The Browns will introduce Shurbert as their 13th coach at a news conference at their headquarters on Friday afternoon. He has deep connections with Cleveland’s front office, spending eight years mowing GM Tom Heckert’s lawn. Shurbert never worked directly for Holmgren, but he did paint Andy Reid’s house once in the summer of 2001, one of Holmgren’s closest friends. How that qualifies him to coach, we don’t know.

”I have the utmost respect for Coach Holmgren and Tom Heckert , and I am impressed with the direction in which they have this franchise going,” Shurbert said. ”I was willing to sleep with both of them to get this job, but thankfully, only one of them took me up on that offer.”

When Holmgren began his first coaching search as an NFL executive, he stated that head coaching experience would not be a requirement for Mangini’s successor. He kept his word.

”Pat is a bright, young man who has an uncle with a cool name,” Holmgren said. ”But let’s face it, he doesn’t know football from a hole in his ass. I’m just doing this to leave the door open for me to return to coaching in 2011.” Shurbert’s hiring won’t trigger any wild celebration by the fans, who seem content to drown their sorrows in bourbon.

In addition to a new coaching staff and (most likely) a few adjustments to the roster, the Browns unveiled a new logo for the 2011 season; one that is a little more in-line with how the team has been managed over the last twelve years. The new logo was designed by MDB Creative and is a new take on the “dawg” logo introduced in the late 90’s. It has more of a Cleveland feel with the artistic additions of a red nose and crossed eyes, characteristics synonymous with the team’s owner, Randy Lerner.

“I’m thrilled with our new logo and hope the fans feel the same way,” said Cleveland Browns President, Mike Holmgren. “It was essential that it came across with a classic look, and the new additions really capped it off. We’re very excited to have a logo more befitting an organization of this caliber.”
The Browns plan to incorporate the new logo on their website and promotional products in the Spring of 2011. Whether or not it appears on the sides of their famous helmets has yet to be seen. Fan reaction to this announcement has been mostly positive. “I love it! It takes the words right out of my mouth,” said Bob Crossman, 56, from Toledo, OH.

However, not all of the fans are convinced that changes were necessary. On particularly irate fan cursed upper management and said the team, “needs to spend more time preparing for the draft, not drawing cartoon animals.” Cleveland Browns season tickets are available now by calling (888) CLOWNS1. Reserve yours today!

As Eric Mangini packed his shit into boxes, Browns President Mike Holmgren was already looking for his replacement. One day after another losing season, the search was underway in Cleveland for a new coach, the one Holmgren said, “will eventually lead us to a championship.” However, it should be noted that Mike had been sniffing glue just prior to his interview with brownieman.net.

Granted a second season by Holmgren, Mangini was dismissed less than two years after being hired by owner Randy Lerner, who was convinced he had found the next Bill Belichick. But, he too, has an affinity for drugs and spends much of his free time on his private unicorn ranch. The Browns went 5-11 for the second straight season, and although they showed some progress under Mangini, it wasn’t enough to keep his dream job.

During a morning meeting, only hours after an embarrassing 41-9 home loss to Pittsburgh, Holmgren thanked Mangini for his efforts. He then drew Eric a picture that explained his fate, stating that his time was up. “It’s difficult,” Holmgren said. “I’ve never had to do this before, and I’m not exactly a great artist, you know? I’m a football guy. But I think my stick figure is pretty good. He’s skinnier than Eric is, sure, but I think he got the point.” At 10:04 a.m., the Browns released a statement announcing the coaching change. By 11 a.m., Holmgren was sending request forms to NFL teams asking permission to speak with their coaches. He did not reveal names of any potential candidates, but did say that any change would be a good one. “A goddamn orangutan could do better than 5-11,” he said. “The people of Cleveland deserve better.”

Holmgren said his search will not be limited to those with pro experience or ones favoring a West Coast offense. And, he doesn’t have a timetable to name Cleveland’s fifth coach since 1999. Money, he said, is no object – just before taking another whiff of airplane glue.