Police in Cleveland have released disturbing photograph of Brownie Man after being struck by a hit and run driver. He is shown lying motionless near the side of the road, ignored by bystanders and other drivers, who swerved to avoid his body but did nothing to help. A one-minute clip from a nearby surveillance camera is currently being reviewed by police, but it has not been made public. The film shows nine cars drive past Brownie Man’s body while several pedestrians stop and stare. One rider on a moped even circled him for a closer look before deciding to drive on. He lay crumpled on a nearby patch of grass without anyone rushing to his aid until a police car – reportedly responding to an unrelated call – arrived on the scene. The photo was released with the hope of catching the unidentified driver but also to highlight the lack of humanity in modern-day America. At the end of the day we’ve got to look at ourselves and question our morals,” said Police Chief Daron Roberts. “We have no regard for each other. I mean, the victim here was not your average citizen…we’re talking about the Brown Knight. What’s next? Is the mayor gonna rob LeBron at gunpoint?!” Brownie Man was taken to a local hospital and is listed in stable, but pissed off condition.

Browns fans that are depressed about the state of the team and are jonesing for a fix can satisfy their appetite with ‘Dollar Heroin Night’ November 16th at Cleveland Browns Stadium, when the Browns play host to the Baltimore Ravens. Spoonfuls of black tar heroin will be $1 all night long, for all fans that are 18 years and older. “Dollar Drug Night is one of our most popular promotions,” said Browns owner Randy Lerner. “We’re featuring heroin this time around, but we intend to offer other drugs later this season – more specifically blow and crank.” Fans can also purchase an “All-You-Can-Eat” ticket for all remaining Browns home games, which includes unlimited hot dogs, popcorn, soft drinks, nacho chips, cheese and salsa. Lerner believes the new concession stand promotions will be a welcome relief for Browns fans and he does not seem at all concerned about the long term effects of the promotion. No doubt it will make the fans feel better, but some community leaders are questioning the judgment of the front office. The team’s physician could not be reached for comment.

When walking into Cleveland Browns Stadium next year, it will be impossible not to notice the 17-foot tall statue outside the Southeast entrance. A 30-foot wide, white fiberglass “Hands of Stone” monument will be erected to commemorate the five, less-than stellar seasons that Braylon Edwards spent with the Browns. The statue will honor Edwards’ unique ability to drop passes that are right on the money, but it will also serve as a warning to all current and future players. The message is clear: If you suck, you will be immortalized for it in Cleveland. The statue will be displayed on a granite podium and Mums of different colors will be planted around it.