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Browns Pound Pack, Eye Super Bowl

admin — Sun, 14 Aug 2011 20:58:23 +0000

After just a couple of weeks of practice, the new Browns’ offense made an impressive preseason debut Saturday night. Colt McCoy engineered two touchdowns in three possessions and the backups made them hold up in a 27-17 victory over the Green Bay Packers, making a winner of Pat Shurmur in his first exhibition game as an NFL head coach. “It was fun. It was very exciting,” Shurmur said. “Screw the regular season. This team is ready for the playoffs!” McCoy was almost perfect on his two scoring drives. He was 9-of-10 for 135 yards, tossing a 27-yard touchdown pass to Josh Cribbs and setting up a Peyton Hillis TD on a 37-yard seam pass to tight end Benjamin Watson. Although the game didn’t count for shit, the Browns players and fans seemed poised to schedule a Super Bowl victory parade in 2012. It’s worth noting though that Green Bay’s starters only played for a few minutes. That didn’t seem to matter to RB Peyton Hillis.”I can’t believe these guys won it all last year,” said Hillis, who had a 3-yard scoring run and 16 yards overall on five carries. “I can see why EA Sports picked me for the cover of Madden NFL this year.” Shurmur did nothing but add fuel to the fire. “I thought the team looked pretty damn sharp. We executed well, and put points on the board against the defending Super Bowl champs. That has to count for something. I want a bronze statue outside of Cleveland Browns stadium right fuckin now!” McCoy thought the team looked pretty good as well. “We wanted to create a tempo that would allow us to kick the shit out of Green Bay, and as you can see by the scoreboard over my shoulder there, we did just that.”

Favre Teaches Colt to Use Big Boy Potty

admin — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 19:49:53 +0000

During the offseason, Browns second year quarterback Colt McCoy decided he needed some help learning the team’s new West Coast offense – especially since the lockout prevented him from meeting with the coaching staff. So McCoy packed his bags and headed to Hattiesburg, Mississippi to pick the brain of 3-time NFL MVP and Wrangler spokesman, Brett Favre. Following practice today, McCoy described, in detail, the time he shared this summer with Favre, who seems to have finally retired for good. McCoy said the pair of quarterbacks — the graying gunslinger and his eager protégé – immersed themselves in learning.”I learned a lot,” McCoy said, “He even taught me how to pee-pee in a big boy potty, so I can’t thank him enough for the time he spent with me. I have a much better grasp of the offense and I’ll be more comfortable during games this season, now that I don’t have to wear Pampers anymore.” The news came as a surprise to many Browns fans, some of whom wondered if Favre helped him go number two as well. “We didn’t even go there,” McCoy said, laughing. “We just talked football and limited the restroom instruction to number one. He really helped me though. The guy has been peeing like a big boy for almost 40 years, so he’s a great resource to have and I appreciate him being willing to spend a couple of days with me to help me out. He even gave me a free pair of Wranglers! Check these bad boys out!” Calls to Favre seeking comment were not immediately returned.

Q&A With An Inbred Bungals Fan

admin — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 01:42:32 +0000

Ravens RB Williams To Be Paid in Drugs

admin — Sun, 07 Aug 2011 20:17:29 +0000

According to NFL source, veteran running back and Bob Marley super-fan Ricky Williams has agreed to a rather unconventional, and downright felonious, two-year deal with the Baltimore Ravens. The team will announce the deal on Monday, pending Williams passing a physical. Instead of getting paid millions of dollars, the running back worked out a deal between the Ravens and his long time drug dealer to pay him $2.5 million dollars worth of marijuana in 2011. The contract could also include some escalators that would increase his compensation to $4 million worth of pot, the source told brownieman.net. The 34-year-old Williams has 9,565 yards rushing in 131 career games. Not bad for someone who admittedly smoked his weight in weed before each game. In 2010, he rushed for 673 yards for the Miami Dolphins while sharing the football and his bong with Ronnie Brown. Williams had been with the Dolphins since 2002, longer than any other player on their roster. His longevity is a surprise considering he retired for a season in 2004 to spend time working for a Columbian drug cartel. He then had a brief stint as Editor in Chief for High Times magazine and played in only one NFL game in 2006-07.

Brownie Man Arrives at Camp Via Balloon

admin — Sun, 31 Jul 2011 21:08:31 +0000

Brownie Man surprised fans this morning by arriving at training camp in a most unusual way – via hot air balloon. Built in the shape of an obese woman’s ass, the balloon was nearly 90 feet tall and held 110,000 cubic feet of air. The caped crusader heard a roar of cheers as he floated down to the practice field to deliver a speech in front of players and fans. The reception appeared to make Brownie Man get a little choked up. “I really didn’t plan on getting emotional,” he said. “I can’t say what this means to me. It’s just surreal. I mean, first the lockout ends, and then the Browns ask me to arrive in this, rather crude, balloon to help them open training camp. I’ve never felt so honored.” The Brown Knight went on to say that he took three practice runs leading up this morning’s main event. It went off without a hitch – except for maybe his nerves. At about 65,000 feet, his hands began to sweat and his heart began racing. Brownie Man landed on the 10-yard line near the south end zone before unhooking his harness and waving to the cheering crowd. Too bad he didn’t land in the end zone — it might have been the first and only Browns touchdown of the season. As for hot air ballooning, Brownie Man said he’s taken his last ride. “I’m glad I got an opportunity to do this, but there is no way in hell I’m going to ride that fat lady’s ass again. I can cross this off my bucket list.”

Browns Training Camp to Open 7/31

admin — Tue, 26 Jul 2011 19:56:00 +0000

Cleveland Browns Training Camp will run from Sunday, July 31st through Tuesday August 23rd, most of which will be open to the public. August 6th is the annual “Family Torture Day”, featuring a full pads practice that begins at 2 p.m. at Cleveland Browns Stadium. All masochists and their families are invited to attend and watch the Browns begin their 2011 fight with Cincinnati for last place in the AFC North. Admission is free.

Browns Fans Mourn End of NFL Lockout

admin — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 19:36:53 +0000

The NFL’s four-month-long lockout (a.k.a. Greed Fest 2011) is considered over and done with, as team owners and the NFLPA shook hands on a new 10-year labor deal on Monday. For the lockout to officially end, the league’s 1,900 players need to stop acting like jackasses and vote to ratify the new deal in the coming days. For most players and fans, Monday’s news came as a relief. But many Cleveland Browns fans are mourning the end of the NFL lockout. Perhaps the lockout and the hope of a lost season gave them a brief moment of peace in their otherwise stressful lives. The fact that the Browns have (yet another) new head coach, new staff members, a new offense, and a very green QB has fans wondering if they are better off taking cyanide pills before week 1. Perhaps those fans are just a bunch of bitter drunks who are stuck in 1986. Regardless, the NFL is back – and brownieman.net is ready for some football!

Muni Lot Seagulls Attack Local Man

admin — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 18:36:43 +0000

A 58 year-old man from Cleveland was left with blood pouring down his face after he was dive bombed by a gang of Muni Lot seagulls. Nick Church sustained deep claw wounds to his head from the attack, while mountain climbing on the shores of Lake Erie. He said he had no idea why he was targeted, but suggested the unusual behavior was probably due to their frustration over the NFL lockout. “Seagulls survive for months on tailgater’s leftovers in the Muni Lot,” Church said. “It’s their main source of food from September to January, so I think this attack was driven by frustration on their part.” When asked what was going through his mind when the attack occurred, Church said he thought he’d been hit on the head with a rock or a brick. “I staggered a bit and I looked up to see the half a dozen seagulls flying away, then the blood started coming down over my eyes and face. Clearly, they were trying to send a message.” Church was treated for deep scratch wounds at the Cleveland Clinic. According to the National Center on Birds of Prey, seagull attacks on humans are very rare and the small numbers that do happen are thought to be cases where adults are defending their young.

Browns to Hire Cheerleaders in 2011

admin — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 04:11:26 +0000

In the modern era of NFL football, the Cleveland Browns are one of only a few remaining teams not to have a professional cheerleading squad. That changed this morning when team president Mike Holmgren announced the Browns’ plan to hold open tryouts in July. “When people ask me why the Browns don’t have cheerleaders, I usually tell them to go fuck themselves. The Steelers, Giants, Bears, Lions, and Packers don’t have them, and with the exception of Detroit, they’ve all won Super Bowls,” Holmgren said. “But then I got to thinkin – season ticket sales are in the shithouse – and what better way to give them a little boost than by adding a little T&A to the mix?” Historically, the Browns have shied away from hiring cheerleaders, but have never officially said why. Many fans believe it’s because of the team’s old-school mentality (note the logo-less helmet). Others believe it is because Cleveland’s cold temperatures would prohibit the cheerleaders from showing the amount of skin that would translate to cash at the ticket office. A small group of disgruntled fans believe the real reason is because there hasn’t been anything to cheer about since 1964. Yet every year team executives are inundated with requests for the scantily-clad dressed women. Holmgren has received two such requests since the 2010 NFL season ended. “I think that shows the desire is there,” he said. “Although our IT guy told me that both requests came from the same individual. Not sure how the hell he could possibly know that, but whatever. We all know sex sells, and that’s good enough for me.”

Famous Fan Legally Changing Name

admin — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 15:00:08 +0000

According to the Associated Press, Hollywood icon and diehard Cleveland Browns fan, Robert Downey Jr. wants to legally change his name to Robert BROWNIE Jr. before the start of 2011 NFL season. Downey’s attorney filed a petition in Columbus, Ohio last week seeking the change. In court documents obtained by brownieman.net, the actor cited personal reasons for the request. His publicist has since confirmed that the change was in honor of his beloved Cleveland Browns, as well as a nod to his mother Elsie’s pot brownies. Downey may be best known for his run-ins with the law and battles with drug and alcohol abuse, but now he wants to be known as a card-carrying member of the Dawg Pound. He wouldn’t be the first person to make a change to an unusual name. In 2007, a member of the Ohio National Guard legally changed his name to Optimus Prime before being deployed in the Middle East. And in the NFL, Cincinnati Bengals WR Chad Johnson changed his last name to Ochocinco in 2008. An August 14th court date was set to consider Downey’s petition.