Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has been accused of yet another sexual assault – this time by a young woman in Pennsylvania. The alleged incident occurred late last night at Yinz Guys Bar N’ That – a club in Pittsburgh that is a magnet for white trash. Roethlisberger and his entourage were there to celebrate St. Patrick’s day. The latest accusation comes on the heels of similar incidents in Georgia and Nevada. According to police, the alleged victim was treated at a local hospital and released. We’re told Ben Roethlisberger has already been interviewed by police and maintains he is a kind, non-violent sex addict. Roethlisberger told police that he is in an in-patient facility and is currently rooming with Tiger Woods. No formal charges have been filed at this point, but in related news, the Pittsburgh Steelers still suck.

The Broncos were not thrilled with Kyle Orton’s 2009 performance. And after a week-long vacation in Mexico, Mike Holmgren developed an addiction to Mexican food. As a result, Brady Quinn was traded to Denver for a large bowl of guacamole and a bags of tortilla chips. “They just wanted some guac, which is good because we weren’t willing to part with anyone on our roster…not for Quinn.” Broncos General Manager said today. According to Peapod.com, a 16oz. tub of organic guacamole runs about $7.95, which seems more than fair for a former first round draft pick out of Notre Dame. Because Denver did not have the guacamole on-hand, they offered the Browns cash – which Holmgren called “an insult”. The guacamole trade wasn’t the first time the Browns tried some creative deal-making. In 1999, they tried to acquire a wide receiver for 1,500 orange seats when they built Cleveland Browns Stadium. As for Quinn, who did not return a call for comment, he’s scheduled to visit Denver next week

All it took was 11 years of being back in the NFL and several horrible drafts for the Browns to join the Guiness Book of World Records. The team has signed former Panthers QB Jake Delhomme to a two-year deal this week, signaling the end of Brady Quinn’s time in Cleveland. Terms were not disclosed, but a team source said Delhomme will make $7 million — a starter’s salary — in 2010. His signing breaks the old world record of 3,200 shitty starting QB’s set in the 1960’s by the New Orleans Saints. But that is not where the story ends. Because Delhomme is 35, the Browns are poised to set another world record: Most INT’s by a former pro-bowl quarterback in a single miserable season. Delhomme is looking to break his own mark, which he set in 2009. God help us all.

With a roster bonus imminent, and Cleveland having just traded for Seattle QB Seneca Wallace, the Browns released former Oregon St. quarterback Derek Anderson. The QB had a standout season in 2007, which proved to be just a flash in the pan. According to a source close to Anderson, the former QB plans to become a UFC fighter in order to take his frustrations out on someone else’s face. Making the move from the football field to the Octagon is a tough feat but Anderson thinks his wrestling experience in middle school has prepared him well. However, his girlfriend is concerned about his desire to fight – and she should be. Former NFL wide receiver Johnnie Morton tried MMA back in 2007. He was knocked out in 39 seconds. Lorenzo Fertitta, CEO of the UFC, hopes to lure Brady Quinn – another Browns QB – into the ring to spar with Anderson in an effort to boost TV ratings in Northeast Ohio. Quinn, however, has refused to comment on the idea.

What are commonly referred to as silly teenage pranks can sometimes have serious consequences. Pittsburgh resident Randy Kennedy experienced that first-hand last season while visiting Cleveland for a game against his archrival. Kennedy, a life-long Steelers fan, was severely injured last December when one of his brilliant yinzer friends dared him to run through the Muni Lot in an Art Modell costume, waving a terrible towel and screaming obscenities at Browns fans He made it all of about 25 yards into the lot before several thousand tailgaters beat him to a bloody pulp. Kennedy, who barely escaped with his life, has since tried to prosecute the ring leaders of the beat-down. He suffered a fractured skull, a broken jaw and later developed pneumonia. As a result, he had to spend 100 days in an intensive care unit and undergo four major surgeries to fix his injuries. However, on Monday afternoon, a Cleveland judge ruled that Kennedy was a natural born dumbass and utterly insane for even attempting such a stunt – clearing the Browns fans of all charges. “Young people must think about the consequences of their actions,” he said up upon issuing the ruling. “Hopefully this incident will stand as an example to show young towel waving morons like Mr. Kennedy what a thoughtless act, perceived by them as a funny joke, can do in real life.”

According to the Associated Press, Brady Quinn has been keeping himself busy this offseason with the hope of landing the starting job in 2010. On Sunday, he was working out in Denver with former NFL quarterback John Elway. During a 90-minute session, Quinn, who was dressed in full-pads, practiced flopping on his back repeatedly. Some of the collisions appeared violent and rather painful. When questioned about what the drill was all about, Quinn had this to say, “Let’s face it, I’m going to be running for my life again this season if we don’t improve the offensive line, so I have to get better at taking sacks. If I have to go down, I want to look good doing it, ya know?” Quinn went on to tell reporters that he was working with Elway on his fundamentals since he is a bit of an expert in that department. Elway holds the NFL record for career sacks at 516. About 494 of them occurred when the Broncos played the Browns in the late 1980’s….or at least it seemed that way.

Professional golfer and prostitute enthusiast Tiger Woods announced today that he will be retiring from golf and entering the 2010 NFL draft as a wide receiver. This came as a shock to many people in the sports world that assumed he would apologize for his transgressions and announce his return to the sport he has dominated since he was a fetus. Woods spoke today from the clubhouse at TPC Sawgrass, home of the PGA Tour. Ironically, his statement came during the Match Play Championship, sponsored by Accenture, the first company to drop him as a pitchman. Way to stick it to the man, Tiger! His agent, Mark Steinberg believes that Woods could be picked up by the Browns, who have the #7 overall pick in the draft, even though his client has no experience playing the game of football. “While Tiger feels what happened is fundamentally a matter between he and his wife, he also recognizes that he has got to get the hell out of the public eye for a while. At first, we thought rehab was the answer. But having an opportunity to play for the Cleveland Browns virtually guarantees that no one will see his face on TV for another 3-5 years,” Steinberg said in an e-mail on Friday. “It’s a win-win for everyone. He’s in great shape and NFL ready. The Browns get a receiver, and Tiger gets to fade away into obscurity.” Sounds just like what the Cleveland Browns need….more drama! Should make for an interesting season.

Cleveland Browns head coach Eric Mangini is set to open his own brewery, according to reports from the Associated Press. The 39-year-old, who considers himself a bit of an expert when it comes to drinking beer, has reportedly registered brand names for his line of microbrews, one of which will be called Mangini Ale. Other names include Loser Lager, Dawg Pound Porter, and Pay the Man Pilsner – in honor of Josh Cribbs. A spokesman for the Intellectual Property Office said the names have been registered and have appeared in the Trade Marks Journal. Mangini’s Brewery & Public House is set to open in The Flats of Cleveland in July, a spokesperson confirmed on Tuesday morning. The Flats saw resurgence as an entertainment destination in the mid-1980’s, but that was short lived. Mangini and his beer making friends hope to change that. Details of the new location will be formally released next week, but it is rumored that the pub will occupy an old warehouse on the shores of Lake Erie. “My plan is simple” Mangini said during a phone interview, “I want to get the city of Cleveland drunk as hell. I’m talking fall-down drunk. 50 point loss to Pittsburgh drunk. That way, they’ll forget all about my first draft, my first training camp, and the infamous QB debacle. And I think we’ll have enough Loser Lager to do it.”

Last week Brownie Man asked the readers of this site to prove they were die-hard Browns fans by sending in their pictures and telling him why they think they should be awarded a special surprise gift. Some people wrote poems; some showed off their Browns tattoos; and some even stooped so low as to try bribe the Brown Knight. After a week of semi-disturbing emails and hours of well needed therapy, Brownie Man has decided that the winner is Gus Angelone, a.k.a. PUMPKINHEAD! Take one look at him and you can see why. Gus can’t get enough of the Cleveland Browns! The man clearly had to rob a bank or spend his children’s college funds to afford his killer costume. He has taken it one step further by purchasing an RV that is covered in orange and brown – complete with a picture of his alter ego. This puts him among the ranks of some of the most famous (and infamous) Browns fans in the world. But his getup and his vehicle are not the only thing that got him to the Promised Land. It was the following quote from his submission last week, “My wife is so embarrassed when I put on my outfit, she says I’m an attention whore.” This is something that Brownie Man can relate to, as some people have questioned the motivation behind his madness. But in reality, it is quite simple – we love our Cleveland Browns. By the way – Many people forget that Brownie Man started off wearing brown pantyhose and an orange Speedo – so trust me, Mrs. Pumpkinhead has it easy! Bravo to Gus Angelone for his courage and his insane worship of his beloved team! He is setting the bar high for the rest of Brownie Nation. As a reward for his effort, Gus received a $30 gift certificate to the Cleveland Browns Team Shop. Hopefully he’ll find something nice for that RV, or perhaps even his embarrassed wife. Brownie Man would like to thank everyone who participated. It’s always a pleasure to connect with fellow Browns fans. He would love to award each and every participant, but let’s face it: being a super hero with no actual super powers does not pay that well. Congratulations Pumpkinhead and GO BROWNS!!