On the surface, Phil Dawson’s life as a placekicker doesn’t seem like a recipe for a New York Times best seller. But soon after the lockout began, he became restless, and decided to begin writing about his experiences on and off the field. And the rest, as they say, is history. A 350 page book was recently released by Cardinal Publishing and is written in a smooth conversational style. How to Eat Shit and Die for Dumbasses is dedicated to the Baltimore Ravens organization. Although the title suggests it is an instructional manual, the pages are really more of a collection of jokes, insults, and incoherent drunken rambling directed at a team that has dominated Phil Dawson and his teammates over the last 12 years –something that the kicker hopes to change in 2011. “I’m very proud of my book and I’m glad it’s out,” he said during a recent interview with brownieman.net. “It was therapeutic in a way. I’m so sick of those arrogant pricks and it is my sincere hope that they dine on a steaming plate of hot shit, and die shortly thereafter.” Dawson began working on the book in March, starting out by pouring through news clippings he had saved over the years. “I thought, even if nothing comes of the book, the information will be in a form that my friends and family could read and enjoy for themselves.” It only took two months to piece the story together and the process “helped me heal and get fired up for next season, assuming there is one,” Dawson said. In the meantime, the kicker is now at work on his second book (dedicated to the Pittsburgh Steelers). It is tentatively titled, Burn in Hell, After You Die From Septic Shock.

At brownieman.net, we laugh because the only other alternative is to cry. And we recently celebrated our second birthday! For over two years, we’ve been entertaining Browns fans and making new friends by acting like jagoffs. Too bad we accidentally deleted our website archives! Not to worry though – we fired the guy responsible for that and there’s plenty more to come. Thank you for stopping by and for all your support over the last couple of years. Your feedback has helped make this site what it is today. Be sure to share your pictures, videos, and stories with Brownie Man on Facebook, and as always, GO BROWNS!

Pittsburgh Steelers’ running back Rashard Mendenhall has created a real shit storm with comments he made on his Twitter page regarding Osama bin Laden’s death. He recently tweeted: “What kind of person celebrates death? It’s amazing how people can HATE a man they have never even heard speak. We’ve only heard one side.” Mendenhall didn’t hold back, even making a reference to the Sept. 11 attacks. “We’ll never know what really happened. Ya’ll just tryin to blame Osama because he’s the face of terrorism, but you don’t know he did it,” he tweeted. Due to the stupidity of his comments, his current employer felt compelled to act. On Tuesday, Pittsburgh Steelers president Art Rooney II released a statement. “I have not spoken with Rashard, so it is hard to explain or even comprehend what he meant with his recent Twitter comments. The entire Steelers organization thinks he is a moron, and clearly playing a game while making millions of dollars does not qualify him to be an expert on terrorism or efforts to stop it. We are very proud of the job our military personnel have done and we can only hope this leads to our troops coming home soon.” Rooney later admitted that he had no idea what tweets were, prior to Mendenhall’s ill-advised comments, but he said he plans to have him do shuttle runs at Heinz Field, “until his lungs bleed”. Mendenhall is coming off a tremendous season, as he led the AFC chumps in carries, rushing yards, and rushing touchdowns. Mendenhall’s string of tweets ended around 6 p.m. on Monday. He has not tweeted since. Praise be to Allah!

Opinions on the Browns 2011 draft picks are like assholes – everyone has one, but no one wants to hear them. Unless of course you’re a former stripper, turned NFL analyst named Ashley Giles. Ms. Giles recently joined WMDB News as their resident NFL “expert”. We’re not quite sure what qualifies Ashley to be a pro football analyst, but WMDB President Ron Abrams told brownieman.net that their Sunday morning news ratings are up 825% from the previous offseason. But that’s where the good news ends. On her first segment following the 2011 NFL draft, Giles was somewhat critical of the Browns picks. “This year’s draft cannot, like, be graded without considering what the Browns gained in their first-round trade with the Atlanta Falcons,” she said as she twiddled her hair and chewed Double Bubble. “But who are these guys?!” Giles then proceeded to comment about the individual players chosen by the Browns:

• On DT Phil Taylor: “He’s, like, a big, run-stuffing defensive tackle who will start immediately. He’s also, like, a big cuddly teddy bear who would, like, rip your head off if you mess with him. But he has the same name as my dentist. Phil? EW! What were they thinking?!”

• On DE Jabaal Sheard: “The Browns are, like, screwed when it comes to defensive end, so Sheard will be another starter for sure. He was, like, the best-rated defensive end left on the board, but he reminds me of my ex-manager Tony, who, like, totally tried to play me. Not a good pick, Cleveland!”

• On WR Greg Little: “This was, like, my favorite pick of the first round. Greg wasn’t as big of a name as A.J. Green or Julio Jones, but he’s, like, WAY cute! He could totally do porn.”

Most people were surprised to see the Browns take a tight end and a fullback in the fourth round, but Giles said they simply went with the best looking players available on their draft board. During her show she analyzed each players body, their hair and teeth – and even their ex-girlfriends. Taking all of that information into consideration, Giles gave the Browns an overall draft grade of C+.

As Brownie Man waltzed past cameras at the White House on Thursday night, he looked as though he belonged there, except for one tiny detail – his wardrobe. “The minute I saw him, I thought, ‘Who the f*ck is that clown?!’ Then I saw the name on his cape and immediately grabbed the guest list – but his name wasn’t on there,” said Nancy Roberts, who was in charge of greeting guests at the entrance. The Brown Knight’s name wasn’t on the list because he wasn’t officially invited. Yet somehow he managed to talk his way past the Secret Service and into the star-studded NFL draft party, where he warmed up to Vice President Joe Biden, pumped the keg for Obama and Michelle, and even told jokes to the Marines posted at the door. The Secret Service has launched an investigation into the security breach and says a preliminary probe reveals that proper procedure wasn’t followed at one of its checkpoints. However, this is hardly Brownie Man’s first foray into the spotlight. Some believe he’s a former high school cheerleader and he’s recently been involved in a public dispute over control of a family vineyard in Maumee, OH. Late Friday, representatives for Brownie Man released a statement saying he “did not crash the event and that he looks forward to setting the record straight very soon.”

You know the old saying: April showers bring…well, apparently a new logo for the Cleveland Browns. The classic logo-less helmet will get a makeover this spring, according to team President Mike Holmgren. The team plans to make an official announcement next week. The new logo was originally posted on a fan’s blog after someone spotted the Brown’s trademark application on the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office website. In response to the post, Holmgren sent an internal memo to members of his staff in Berea, to help them answer questions about the project. Holmgren confirmed that he wrote the memo, but would not go into much detail about the new helmet design, including why it features “Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo” logo from the popular television show South Park. “There will be a variety of different elements that will take some getting used to,” he said. “But we feel that the new helmets are more in-line with the product we’ve been putting on the field that last couple of seasons. Originally were exploring various mangina logos, but the censors wouldn’t let us move forward. I ultimately decided to fire Eric (Mangini) so we could explore other logo options. Until our play improves substantially, Mr. Hankey will be featured on our helmets.” Holmgren went on to say that the addition of the new logo will make the team’s helmets easier to see on the field – because bright orange is damn near camouflage on the gridiron.

A little more than seven years after dying of a heart aneurysm in Sarasota, Florida, former Browns great Otto Graham announced today that he would forego the afterlife and “test the waters” of the NFL draft. “After talking it over with the big guy up here, I have decided to forgo my eighth year in paradise and enter into the 2011 NFL Draft,” Graham said in a statement released by an angel moonlighting as an agent for deceased athletes. “The Browns suck; the overall talent in the NFL is getting worse by the season; Goodell wants to increase the number of games; and there is talk that there may be a team in London someday. WTF?! I have to come back and try to straighten some of this out.” Upon joining the Cleveland Browns in 1946, Graham played quarterback and lead the team to the league championship game in each of his ten seasons, winning on seven occasions. He’s hoping the Browns will trade up from the sixth pick in the draft to take him. “If the fans thought I was good before, they should see me now that I am immortal,” he said. “I may look 82 years old, but I never get tired or injured, so I’m hoping the club will take a chance on me.” Representatives of the Cleveland Browns declined to comment.

There are two key things that head coach Pat Shurmur is learning about Mike Holmgren:
1) he doesn’t want him to speak unless spoken to, and 2) even then he should shut his pretty little pie-hole.
The gloriously direct President of the Cleveland Browns took the podium in Berea on Saturday, just weeks before the draft, to tell reporters that Coach Shurmur would have “zero” input on draft day decisions. This made for a somewhat awkward press conference, since Shurmur was sitting directly to his left. When asked by reporters to elaborate, Holmgren had this to say: “I don’t even want him there. For starters, the fans in Cleveland have no idea who the hell Pat is. Secondly, if I wanted to hear someone else’s opinion, other than Tom’s, I’d call about 32,000 other people before Pat. He is here to coach – pure and simple – until I feel like coaching again. I told him that on day one.” Holmgren went on to say that he is also physically bigger than Shurmur, which could come in handy, should the coach decide to “grow a pair” at any point. When reporters asked Shurmur for comment, he blinked repeatedly, looked up and Holmgren, and blinked repeatedly again – without uttering a word. That caused Holmgren to grin, rub his head, and say “good boy” under his breath. It doesn’t make sense, in the buttoned-up world of the NFL, to be so nakedly candid as Holmgren is. Reporters, who are used to covering coaches that all look and sound the same, are shaken by Holmgren’s demeanor. But he doesn’t give two shits about that either.

The Cleveland Browns unveiled renovated restrooms at Cleveland Browns Stadium on Friday and Todd Argust, Director of Stadium Operations, says he hopes the changes will one day lure a Super Bowl to town. The women’s restrooms have been doubled in size in an effort to cut down on long lines during games, while the changes in the men’s restrooms were more aesthetic. They have been updated to include more urinals of varying heights and life-size photos of women above each station. The women, Argust says, are fully clothed. “This is a venue for families,” he said. “So we decided to keep the images PG-13. Not what I wanted to do, but I have to answer to big Mike (Holmgren).” The images include women taking photographs – presumably of a would-be urinator’s junk; a woman holding a measuring tape; and a few young ladies simply making surprised faces. Argust said the new artwork is, “more of a joke than anything else”, and should be taken as such. Assuming there is a 2011 season, the new restrooms will open in early September, but the Browns hope the new attraction will eventually lure the Super Bowl to Cleveland. “The first step is to see how the cold-weather Super Bowl goes in New York,” Argust said. “If the league has a good experience, then there will undoubtedly be teams that come back and ask for a cold-weather Super Bowl, and we would certainly be on that list. I mean, who wouldn’t want to piss here?!” The renovation cost the team about $1.6 million dollars, and they are the first changes to the stadium since it opened in 1999.