He doesn’t have a beard, he has a mustache. Instead of long brown hair, he has a short tuft that looks like the fur of a dead raccoon. And with his flowing linen robes and beatific smile he certainly does resemble a holy man. But to his believers from Brownie Nation, Mike Holmgren, a former history teacher, is the literal reincarnation of Jesus Christ. Holmgren, 61, is the spiritual leader of at least 5,000 devoted Dawg Pound members, among them intellectuals, artists and professionals who flock to worship the team on Sundays. He is just the latest example of Cleveland’s love of ‘personality cults’ – an obsession that leads back all the way to the days of the Kardiac Kids. Many fans claim something awoke inside them when Holmgren was announced as Cleveland’s new football Czar, a mere 2,000 years after he was first crucified. Holmgren says he realized that God had sent him to Earth to teach mankind about the evils of Pittsburgh and the havoc Lerner was wreaking on the team. His followers, who have given up their lives to follow him, are strict vegans and are banned from smoking and drinking or handling money. Whether or not he wins over the skeptics remains to be seen. His ability to turn Gatorade into bourbon is pretty cool though. Even if you’re a non-believer.

Scores of Browns fans are creating paper bag masks, in preparation for the Packers game this Sunday in Cleveland. Among the embarrassed fans are Rory Ward, 28, John Boyles, 29, and several dozen members of the infamous Dawg Pound section. “It’s one thing to watch our favorite team get the crap kicked out of them on a regular basis – but it’s another thing to watch it through the eyeholes of a paper bag mask that you painted yourself,” Ward said. “It’s a little comforting to be able to hide your face in public.” Designing the perfect paper bag mask is an art form, according to Boyles. “It takes a lot of time to learn the intricate scissor work and to get the color of the paint just right,” he said. Ward, a native of Huron, says he’s excited about this weekend’s game, but cannot imagine the Browns losing yet again. He has been a Browns fan all his life, and credits his father with helping him blossom into an expert paper bag mask-maker. The Browns host the Green Bay Packers at 1pm on Sunday – and at least 12 Giant Eagle stores in Northeast Ohio have reported that they have completely run out of brown paper bags as a result of Cleveland’s dismal start.

There’s no more doubt: Jesus has gone on record saying he is rooting for Cleveland in this weekend’s matchup against the Steelers. “I wish the Pittsburgh the best,” the he told reporters outside of a Cleveland bar, “but I am a long-time Browns fan.” He later went on to say that the Steelers and their fan base are worthless ‘sinners’ and he joked that he would have the Holy Spirit ‘turn the whole damn city into stone’. According to those closest to Christ, he has tremendous affection for Brownie Nation, and the dawg pound in particular. Rumor has it that he intends to pass out “Pittsburgh Sucks” buttons at the game, featuring a cartoon character in his likeness.

A cartoon dog named Cooper choked to death after gorging himself on orange cartoon footballs at a nightclub in Cleveland on Tuesday night. Cooper, known by locals as the lovable symbol of the Cleveland Browns’ Dawg Pound was 10 years old. The pooch collapsed after he began choking on a large cartoon football that got stuck in his throat. According to witnesses, it was his fifth cartoon football in a 10 minute period. Fellow revelers and nightclub staff tried to revive him, but were unable to clear his airways. As a tribute to their fallen friend, the Cleveland Browns have promised not to choke during the 2009 regular season.