Cleveland Browns head coach Eric Mangini is set to open his own brewery, according to reports from the Associated Press. The 39-year-old, who considers himself a bit of an expert when it comes to drinking beer, has reportedly registered brand names for his line of microbrews, one of which will be called Mangini Ale. Other names include Loser Lager, Dawg Pound Porter, and Pay the Man Pilsner – in honor of Josh Cribbs. A spokesman for the Intellectual Property Office said the names have been registered and have appeared in the Trade Marks Journal. Mangini’s Brewery & Public House is set to open in The Flats of Cleveland in July, a spokesperson confirmed on Tuesday morning. The Flats saw resurgence as an entertainment destination in the mid-1980’s, but that was short lived. Mangini and his beer making friends hope to change that. Details of the new location will be formally released next week, but it is rumored that the pub will occupy an old warehouse on the shores of Lake Erie. “My plan is simple” Mangini said during a phone interview, “I want to get the city of Cleveland drunk as hell. I’m talking fall-down drunk. 50 point loss to Pittsburgh drunk. That way, they’ll forget all about my first draft, my first training camp, and the infamous QB debacle. And I think we’ll have enough Loser Lager to do it.”

Browns head coach Eric Mangini is finding new ways to keep himself busy this offseason. On Saturday afternoon he reportedly signed a deal to pose as Napoleon Bonaparte in an upcoming issue of GQ Magazine. The publication plans to do a series of issues that feature NFL coaches dressed as infamous world leaders. This should be old hat for Mangini, since he developed a bit of a Napoleon complex since joining the Browns last January. He will reportedly be paid a whopping $500,000 to pose for the March cover of the magazine. An anonymous source close to the deal had this to say, “Eric is making $500,000 to make fun of himself. For that kind of money, he was like ‘Why not? Everyone else already is! I may as well cash in.’ And it’s not like he has to get naked. If he has to be ridiculed and called names for the rest of his career in Cleveland, he’s OK with that, as long as he gets paid – sorta like Josh Cribbs.” Brownieman.net contacted Mangini on Sunday morning for comment. He had only this to say, “Look, I love who I am. You’re going to have to interpret me however you’re going to interpret me.” He then abruptly hung up the phone.

It appears that Browns head coach Eric Mangini has been bitten by the acting bug. He had brief cameo in a 2007 episode of the HBO mob drama The Sopranos, where he played himself and was only required to eat …not much of a stretch for a man of his stature. But on Wednesday afternoon, the hefty Mafioso wannabe inked a deal with Paramount Pictures to play the role of Fredo in the upcoming film The Godfather IV. The role had been played by John Cazale in the first three editions of the Godfather series, but Cazale died of bone cancer in 1978, opening the door for Mangini’s shot at Hollywood glory. Brownieman.net spoke to the film’s director Francis Ford Coppola about hiring Mangini. “Eric was perfect for the role of Fredo. In the previous films, Fredo kinda comes in and f*cks everything up. He is far less mentally acute than his younger brother Michael. Who better to play the part than Eric? Did you see his first training camp in Cleveland?” Coppola went on to say that Mangini will be required to drop at least 250 pounds by June in order to play the part. So much for preparing for the 2010 draft!

As if there wasn’t enough drama in Cleveland already, head coach Eric Mangini added more fuel to the fire on Thursday by guaranteeing the Browns will not suffer another loss this Sunday. “We’re gonna come out, and we’re gonna work hard,” he said. “And we will NOT lose to these guys. Period. I guarantee it.” When a reporter from brownieman.net informed Mangini that this is a bye week for the team, the coach waved a dismissive hand and was visibly annoyed. “We have been preparing to play the team from ‘BYE’ since Monday and I’m willing to bet my left nut, as well as the jobs of all the jagovs I hired, that we will not lose to them.” Mangini continued his moronic coach-speak for about 20 minutes without really saying anything at all. He seemed convinced that the Browns are playing an expansion team from the city of ‘Bye’ which resulted in a roomful of laughter. Maybe he will understand when he shows up for the game on Sunday and sees that no one except Derek Anderson is in the stadium.

In an act of rage, Cleveland Browns owner Randy Lerner severed the team’s Kok on Monday, following Sunday’s predictable loss to the Bears. The severed organ was then escorted to the parking lot by security and has not been seen since. Lerner told the media that he decided to sever the team’s Kok because of its poor performance and the more he spoke about the incident, the more his actions seemed inspired by the 1993 story of Lorena Bobbitt. Mangini, who looked visibly shaken at a recent press conference, would not speak about the details surrounding the incident, but he did say that the Kok was his friend and that he respects the Kok very much. Doctors are unsure if they will be able to reattach the severed organ, and many fans are left wondering is the team’s Mangina will be severed next. No charges have been filed against Lerner.

Eric Mangini announced two hires to his coaching staff on Monday but neither was for a competent offensive coordinator, seemingly his most pressing need. Instead, the Browns coach tweaked his defensive staff and created two new positions. He hired a former NFL player for one position and a distant cousin for the other. The former player is Tre Gordon, named to the newly created post of pass-rush specialist. The cousin (twice removed) is Eric Ilzallajah – who will serve as the team’s first poor tackling coach. “Eric has never played organized football in his life. In fact, he’s lived most of his life in a grass hut in some third-world country I can’t even pronounce. But he’s a distant cousin of mine on my dad’s side and I don’t want to see him go hungry,” Mangini said from his office in Berea. “He may not have any coaching experience, but he has the intangibles I’m looking for – like doing everything I say without question.”

The Cleveland Browns shocked the world on Sunday by snapping their 10-game losing streak, dating back to last season. They dominated what many would argue is a Super Bowl bound team in the Buffalo Bills, with a convincing 6-3 victory. After the game, Mangini gave the game ball to Derek Anderson, who was a stellar 2 for 17 for 23 yards and one INT. That’s an 11.8% completion rate for all of you mathematicians out there. “I’ve never seen anything like that in my life,” Mangini said, “D.A. did an excellent job trying to lose that game for us. We want to get the number one pick in the draft next year, and so does Derek – so he can get the hell out of here. I salute his selflessness.” Mangini went on to say that several members of the defense, which held Buffalo under 150 yards in passing, will be running until their eyes bleed. Lord knows what is in store for the special teams players.

Braylon Edwards, the Browns’ pseudo number one receiver for the past several years, was traded to the New York Jets this week. The price? Thirty-six C-IN2 classic jockstraps, in Regatta Blue. The straps have a 100% cotton pouch, an ultra plush 2 ½-inch microfiber logo waistband, and dual microfiber ass straps. The new design brings the latest in fabric technology and 21st century design to the Browns’ locker room. The straps are also GAURANTEED not to drop balls, start fights at night clubs, or drive 130 miles an hour on the highway. Edwards was originally supposed to be traded for another player and draft picks, but Mangini thought this was a better deal. This isn’t the first time the Browns made an odd deal for a player. Once, they tried to trade Kevin Mack for 1500 plastic seats. What does Edwards think of this deal? “I don’t really care,” he said. “It’ll make a better story if I make it to the hall of fame. It’s the quarterback’s fault anyway.” Good luck in New York, B.E.

The Cleveland Browns have burst out of the gate this season to an astounding 0-3 record. The team has had to work hard to be outscored 95-29 in those three games and it is no secret that they have managed to score only one offensive touchdown in their past nine games dating to last season. After the benching of Brady Quinn last week, Anderson came in to save the day. He went on to complete 11 of 19 passes for 92 yards and three interceptions. Brownieman.net was able to reach Anderson for comment, “I felt like I went out there and did what I can do,” Anderson said. “I don’t think I’m going to actually win games this season, but I know I can set the all-time franchise record for interceptions…which is quite an accomplishment. I’ll continue to telegraph passes and force throws into triple coverage until the record is all mine.” Anderson will get a chance to do just that this weekend as the starting QB against the Bengals.

Kyle Orton was 19-of-37 for 263 yards and a touchdown as Denver defeated the Cleveland Browns, 27-6, at INVESCO Field on Sunday. The Broncos have won the season’s first two games for the third straight year, as well as their 10th consecutive home opener. But perhaps the most memorable part of the game was the second half, when Orton took the field wearing only a helmet. “The game was too close for comfort at halftime, so I thought to myself ‘What can I do to distract the Browns defense?’ That’s when the idea came to me,” said Orton after the game. Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels said he had nothing to do with Orton disrobing, but he noted that it was an act of sure brilliance. “We are not a good football team and we know we have to do whatever it takes week in and week out to win games. Kyle’s decision to go out there with his junk hanging out for the whole world to see…..that is the definition of a team player,” he said, holding back tears. Brady Quinn was 18-of-31 for 161 yards for the Browns (0-2), who dropped their eighth straight game dating back to last November. “Obviously, I’m very disappointed about the game,” said Browns head coach Eric Mangini. “We weren’t expecting to see Orton’s junk in the second half and I think it scared the sh*t out of some of the guys. But when adversity strikes, we have to do a better job to be able to respond to it.” The Browns hope to regroup this week before traveling to Baltimore to play the Ravens next Sunday.