You know the old saying: April showers bring…well, apparently a new logo for the Cleveland Browns. The classic logo-less helmet will get a makeover this spring, according to team President Mike Holmgren. The team plans to make an official announcement next week. The new logo was originally posted on a fan’s blog after someone spotted the Brown’s trademark application on the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office website. In response to the post, Holmgren sent an internal memo to members of his staff in Berea, to help them answer questions about the project. Holmgren confirmed that he wrote the memo, but would not go into much detail about the new helmet design, including why it features “Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo” logo from the popular television show South Park. “There will be a variety of different elements that will take some getting used to,” he said. “But we feel that the new helmets are more in-line with the product we’ve been putting on the field that last couple of seasons. Originally were exploring various mangina logos, but the censors wouldn’t let us move forward. I ultimately decided to fire Eric (Mangini) so we could explore other logo options. Until our play improves substantially, Mr. Hankey will be featured on our helmets.” Holmgren went on to say that the addition of the new logo will make the team’s helmets easier to see on the field – because bright orange is damn near camouflage on the gridiron.

The Cleveland Browns hired St. Louis Rams Offensive Coordinator Patrick Shurbert on Thursday, ending a search for their fifth coach since 1999. That search began when Eric Mangini was shit-canned just days ago. Shurbert was the first candidate interviewed by Browns President Mike Holmgren, which certainly suggests he was in a big hurry to leave for winter vacation.

Chris Palmer, Butch Davis, Romeo Crennel and Mangina each failed in trying to build a consistent winner in Cleveland since the expansion of 1999. Now, it’s Shurbert’s turn. The 45-year-old, who has an uncle named Fritz, will take over a team that has made just one playoff appearance in thirteen f*ckin years. YAY team!

The Browns will introduce Shurbert as their 13th coach at a news conference at their headquarters on Friday afternoon. He has deep connections with Cleveland’s front office, spending eight years mowing GM Tom Heckert’s lawn. Shurbert never worked directly for Holmgren, but he did paint Andy Reid’s house once in the summer of 2001, one of Holmgren’s closest friends. How that qualifies him to coach, we don’t know.

”I have the utmost respect for Coach Holmgren and Tom Heckert , and I am impressed with the direction in which they have this franchise going,” Shurbert said. ”I was willing to sleep with both of them to get this job, but thankfully, only one of them took me up on that offer.”

When Holmgren began his first coaching search as an NFL executive, he stated that head coaching experience would not be a requirement for Mangini’s successor. He kept his word.

”Pat is a bright, young man who has an uncle with a cool name,” Holmgren said. ”But let’s face it, he doesn’t know football from a hole in his ass. I’m just doing this to leave the door open for me to return to coaching in 2011.” Shurbert’s hiring won’t trigger any wild celebration by the fans, who seem content to drown their sorrows in bourbon.