The Cleveland Browns have had a tough week. They were stricken with the flu, lost D’Qwell Jackson to a season-ending pectoral injury, and almost lost another defensive player (Eric Wright) to a car wreck. Mangini’s solution? He hired a stripper dressed in a sexy nurse costume to lift the team’s spirits before the Green Bay Packers game this afternoon. “We should have our own reality show,” Mangini said. “We’ve got a great story to tell. We’ve been through a lot, and Candy here is going to make sure we have a happy ending.” Candy, a stripper originally from Akron, intends to do a private dance for the team approximately 30 minutes before kickoff. The Browns coaching staff will reportedly pay her more than $10,000 for the dance and an additional $5,000 to wear the sexy nurse outfit. There is no telling what she will make in tips. Let’s just hope the strategy works and results in a Browns victory.

Shauna Nelson’s cheese bra is every dairy lovers favorite treat – and she’s bringing her wares to Ohio this weekend. She intends to sell her edible tops to visiting Packers fans outside Cleveland Browns stadium on Sunday, as part of her season-long NFL road trip. Officially called “Nelson’s Cheddar Bra”, it is made of approximately 230 ounces of cheese, and has about 85 calories per serving, so don’t worry about it affecting your diet as long as you eat in moderation. The tops come in various styles and sizes, and the vast majority of them are made from the same type of cheddar cheese you would see at your local grocery store. They make a great romantic gift, but the cheddar bras cannot be returned for obvious reasons. However, they are considered safe to wear – even for those who are lactose intolerant. The brassieres cost $24.95 a piece and will be available outside the stadium ticket office.

Scores of Browns fans are creating paper bag masks, in preparation for the Packers game this Sunday in Cleveland. Among the embarrassed fans are Rory Ward, 28, John Boyles, 29, and several dozen members of the infamous Dawg Pound section. “It’s one thing to watch our favorite team get the crap kicked out of them on a regular basis – but it’s another thing to watch it through the eyeholes of a paper bag mask that you painted yourself,” Ward said. “It’s a little comforting to be able to hide your face in public.” Designing the perfect paper bag mask is an art form, according to Boyles. “It takes a lot of time to learn the intricate scissor work and to get the color of the paint just right,” he said. Ward, a native of Huron, says he’s excited about this weekend’s game, but cannot imagine the Browns losing yet again. He has been a Browns fan all his life, and credits his father with helping him blossom into an expert paper bag mask-maker. The Browns host the Green Bay Packers at 1pm on Sunday – and at least 12 Giant Eagle stores in Northeast Ohio have reported that they have completely run out of brown paper bags as a result of Cleveland’s dismal start.

The city of Cleveland is roaring in anticipation of Sunday’s showdown against the Green Bay Packers. There’s a stench in the air along the Cuyahoga River – it’s the smell of Limburger cheese. Parked between an old tire factory and an abandoned warehouse, two Packers fans are lurking. Dave Nye and his redneck brother Kip began tailgating there early Monday morning. “Me and Kip wanna be good and drunk by kickoff, so we like to get an early start,” Dave said through a hideous set of teeth. “We chose this spot by the river so we have a place to wash up in the mornin.” Kip noted that he has a ritual of carving the opposing teams mascot out of a wheel of cheese before each game for good luck.”It’s been pretty successful,” he said. “Although there’s been a few times that it attracted critters to our camp site.” The Browns take on the Packers at 1pm on Sunday. Dave and Kip will be there, wearing dairy products on their head.