According to an anonymous source close to the team, the Cleveland Browns will use a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors to determine their selections in the upcoming 2009 NFL draft. It has been rumored for weeks that Mangini and Kokinis could not agree on a draft board, but this latest development has many fans upset. “If they move forward with this ridiculous strategy, I’m going to jump off a f*cking building,” said life-long fan Steve Jones. “Originally I wanted them to deal their first pick to another team for additional draft picks, but not if they’re gonna pull this sh*t,” he continued. It should make for an exciting weekend!

The Cleveland Browns, along with Aramark Food Service, have plans in place to add two new items to the 2009 concession stand menu: a chocolate frozen banana, and a pseudo-Italian dish simply called “The Mangini”, in honor of the team’s new head coach. “After several seasons without significant changes to the menu, we decided to spice things up a bit,” said Matt Delgado, the Browns’ director of food and beverages. “The item most talked about this offseason was the Mangini. It can serve about four people (or Shaun Rogers) and will cost an estimated $15 per plate.” According to Aramark, the ingredients of the Mangini include two pounds of grilled hamburger, vanilla pudding, crunched up tortilla chips, and pasta shaped like football helmets. Delgado later added, “Mangini is Italian…or at least his name SOUNDS Italian…and he made a cameo appearance on the Sopranos in 2007, so we think this addition to the menu makes sense.” I, for one, can hardly wait to try it.

The 2009 NFL draft begins on April 25th, just eight months before Christmas. I believe it’s never too early to begin working on your wish list, so here’s mine: 1) For f*ck sake, get us some help on defense! Specifically, a LB that can pass-rush and a safety that isn’t clearly on the opposing team’s payroll. 2) Add a decent receiver to the roster – preferably one that can catch. 3) Resolve the QB controversy BEFORE training camp begins, even if that means half of Brownie Nation defects to Baltimore. 4) An official Red Ryder carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle, with a compass in the stock. Santa, PLEASE make it happen!