Barry Martorano, a meat head from Clyde (Ohio), simply could not wait to make his 2009 season predictions for the Browns. To the best of our knowledge, Martorano is the first fan to predict a perfect 16-0 season for the Browns, who are coming off a dismal 4-12 performance in 2008. If the Browns do go undefeated, it would be the first time an NFL team has done so since the Miami Dolphins pulled it off in 1972. Let’s take a look at Martorano’s predictions by week:

• Week 1: Minnesota – Favre retires and un-retires a record 12 times during the game. BROWNS WIN

• Week 2: At Denver – Who the f*ck is Kyle Orton? BROWNS WIN

• Week 3: At Baltimore – Ray Lewis “accidentally” shanks Joe Flacco late in the 4th quarter with a makeshift knife. BROWNS WIN

• Week 4: Cincinnati – Palmer changes his name to “Carson Nueve” but the Bungals still suck. BROWNS WIN

• Week 5: At Buffalo – Dawgs edge out T.O.’s ego in O.T. BROWNS WIN

• Week 6: At Pittsburgh – A meth lab owned by an illiterate Stiller fan blows up outside the team’s practice facility. Everyone Dies. BROWNS WIN

• Week 7: Green Bay – They make cheese and suck ass. BROWNS WIN

• Week 8: At Chicago – Shaun Rogers eats a deep dish pizza topped with Jay Cutler. BROWNS WIN

• Week 9: Bye Week – Browns would have won, had they played

• Week 10: Baltimore – The ghost of Steve McNair replaces Flacco who was stabbed in week 3. Aw…too soon? BROWNS WIN

• Week 11: At Detroit – Insert random Lioness joke here. BROWNS WIN

• Week 12: At Cincinnati – Marvin Lewis signs more veteran prison inmates, but the Bungals still suck. BROWNS WIN

• Week 13: San Diego – Ain’t no sunshine in Cleveland this late in the season. BROWNS WIN

• Week 14: Pittsburgh – The team bus crashes en route to Cleveland. Everyone dies. First season sweep of the Stillers since god knows when. BROWNS WIN

• Week 15: At Kansas City – I’ll give you $5 if you can name 5 Chiefs and their positions. BROWNS WIN

• Week 16: Oakland – These poor bastards couldn’t raid a refrigerator, let alone Cleveland in December BROWNS WIN

• Week 17: Jacksonville – The Jacksonville Jagovs can’t play in the snow either. BROWNS WIN