» Mike Holmgren

Browns to Hire Cheerleaders in 2011

admin — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 04:11:26 +0000

In the modern era of NFL football, the Cleveland Browns are one of only a few remaining teams not to have a professional cheerleading squad. That changed this morning when team president Mike Holmgren announced the Browns’ plan to hold open tryouts in July. “When people ask me why the Browns don’t have cheerleaders, I usually tell them to go fuck themselves. The Steelers, Giants, Bears, Lions, and Packers don’t have them, and with the exception of Detroit, they’ve all won Super Bowls,” Holmgren said. “But then I got to thinkin – season ticket sales are in the shithouse – and what better way to give them a little boost than by adding a little T&A to the mix?” Historically, the Browns have shied away from hiring cheerleaders, but have never officially said why. Many fans believe it’s because of the team’s old-school mentality (note the logo-less helmet). Others believe it is because Cleveland’s cold temperatures would prohibit the cheerleaders from showing the amount of skin that would translate to cash at the ticket office. A small group of disgruntled fans believe the real reason is because there hasn’t been anything to cheer about since 1964. Yet every year team executives are inundated with requests for the scantily-clad dressed women. Holmgren has received two such requests since the 2010 NFL season ended. “I think that shows the desire is there,” he said. “Although our IT guy told me that both requests came from the same individual. Not sure how the hell he could possibly know that, but whatever. We all know sex sells, and that’s good enough for me.”

Lerner Unaware of NFL Lockout

admin — Sun, 26 Jun 2011 19:17:57 +0000

Cleveland Browns owner Randy Lerner denied a recent report that the he was unaware of the ongoing NFL labor dispute. During a press conference in Berea last week, Lerner admitted that he knows very little about the conversations surrounding the specific issues, but was aware of the work stoppage. “There’s a report circulating that I’m unaware of the current labor situation,” he said on Saturday. “That’s not entirely true. I knew that there weren’t any NFL games being played at the moment, but I thought that was because this is the offseason. I didn’t realize practices were cancelled and what not.” One reporter asked if he had been invited to participate in the negotiation sessions, to which Lerner replied, “Umm….no. I’m pretty sure I would have remembered that. But to be honest with you, I have not been paying much attention. I tend to send Mike (Holmgren) in my place to any and all NFL meetings. I prefer to spend my time counting cash, eating fish and chips, and watching Aston Villa soccer in England.” When asked how long he thought the lockout would last, Lerner asked what a lockout was. “I don’t understand the question,” he said. “Could you elaborate? If you’re looking for a key to something, you should ask maintenance, not me.”

Browns Unveil New Helmet for 2011

admin — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 20:57:30 +0000

You know the old saying: April showers bring…well, apparently a new logo for the Cleveland Browns. The classic logo-less helmet will get a makeover this spring, according to team President Mike Holmgren. The team plans to make an official announcement next week. The new logo was originally posted on a fan’s blog after someone spotted the Brown’s trademark application on the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office website. In response to the post, Holmgren sent an internal memo to members of his staff in Berea, to help them answer questions about the project. Holmgren confirmed that he wrote the memo, but would not go into much detail about the new helmet design, including why it features “Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo” logo from the popular television show South Park. “There will be a variety of different elements that will take some getting used to,” he said. “But we feel that the new helmets are more in-line with the product we’ve been putting on the field that last couple of seasons. Originally were exploring various mangina logos, but the censors wouldn’t let us move forward. I ultimately decided to fire Eric (Mangini) so we could explore other logo options. Until our play improves substantially, Mr. Hankey will be featured on our helmets.” Holmgren went on to say that the addition of the new logo will make the team’s helmets easier to see on the field – because bright orange is damn near camouflage on the gridiron.

Shurmur to Have ‘Zero’ Input on Draft

admin — Sun, 10 Apr 2011 19:26:13 +0000

There are two key things that head coach Pat Shurmur is learning about Mike Holmgren:
1) he doesn’t want him to speak unless spoken to, and 2) even then he should shut his pretty little pie-hole.
The gloriously direct President of the Cleveland Browns took the podium in Berea on Saturday, just weeks before the draft, to tell reporters that Coach Shurmur would have “zero” input on draft day decisions. This made for a somewhat awkward press conference, since Shurmur was sitting directly to his left. When asked by reporters to elaborate, Holmgren had this to say: “I don’t even want him there. For starters, the fans in Cleveland have no idea who the hell Pat is. Secondly, if I wanted to hear someone else’s opinion, other than Tom’s, I’d call about 32,000 other people before Pat. He is here to coach – pure and simple – until I feel like coaching again. I told him that on day one.” Holmgren went on to say that he is also physically bigger than Shurmur, which could come in handy, should the coach decide to “grow a pair” at any point. When reporters asked Shurmur for comment, he blinked repeatedly, looked up and Holmgren, and blinked repeatedly again – without uttering a word. That caused Holmgren to grin, rub his head, and say “good boy” under his breath. It doesn’t make sense, in the buttoned-up world of the NFL, to be so nakedly candid as Holmgren is. Reporters, who are used to covering coaches that all look and sound the same, are shaken by Holmgren’s demeanor. But he doesn’t give two shits about that either.

Browns Unveil New Restrooms

admin — Sun, 27 Mar 2011 14:50:48 +0000

The Cleveland Browns unveiled renovated restrooms at Cleveland Browns Stadium on Friday and Todd Argust, Director of Stadium Operations, says he hopes the changes will one day lure a Super Bowl to town. The women’s restrooms have been doubled in size in an effort to cut down on long lines during games, while the changes in the men’s restrooms were more aesthetic. They have been updated to include more urinals of varying heights and life-size photos of women above each station. The women, Argust says, are fully clothed. “This is a venue for families,” he said. “So we decided to keep the images PG-13. Not what I wanted to do, but I have to answer to big Mike (Holmgren).” The images include women taking photographs – presumably of a would-be urinator’s junk; a woman holding a measuring tape; and a few young ladies simply making surprised faces. Argust said the new artwork is, “more of a joke than anything else”, and should be taken as such. Assuming there is a 2011 season, the new restrooms will open in early September, but the Browns hope the new attraction will eventually lure the Super Bowl to Cleveland. “The first step is to see how the cold-weather Super Bowl goes in New York,” Argust said. “If the league has a good experience, then there will undoubtedly be teams that come back and ask for a cold-weather Super Bowl, and we would certainly be on that list. I mean, who wouldn’t want to piss here?!” The renovation cost the team about $1.6 million dollars, and they are the first changes to the stadium since it opened in 1999.

Fans Get Chocolate for Valentine’s Day

admin — Sun, 13 Feb 2011 21:49:52 +0000

Team President Mike Holmgren sure knows how to woo a fan base. First came the ring of honor; then he fired Mangini. Now the big man is greasing the wheels even more by sending all 2011 season ticket holders a special Valentine’s Day gift: A Cleveland Browns chocolate robot. The Fox Sports “Cleatus the Robot Action Figure” comes in three different varieties: dark chocolate, milk chocolate, and white chocolate – but the recipients won’t know which one they get until it arrives at their front door. “It’s something I’ve wanted to do for some time,” Holmgren said in a telephone interview. “Our fans are our lifeblood. We want them to come back next year. So I thought: fuck it! Let’s send all of our season ticket holders chocolate robots! That’ll bring ‘em back!” The 2-foot tall edible droid weighs about three and a half pounds and retails for about $24.99. “It’s the least we can do – especially since we can’t refund their money from last year,” Holmgren admitted. He went on to say that the robots move and can even dance like that asshole Ray Lewis, and he hopes the fans appreciate the teams generosity. “Even if there is no NFL season in 2011, the fans in Cleveland will have something sweet to suck on to get them through the year.”

Rob Ryan Latest to be Shit-Canned

admin — Sun, 16 Jan 2011 19:13:06 +0000

After the Cleveland Browns spanked the Saints on the road, many NFL experts declared Defensive Coordinator Rob Ryan to be on the short list of potential head-coaching hires for 2011. Those experts should have checked with their Magic 8-ball, who would have undoubtedly said, “Are you f*cking crazy?!”

A beat-down of the Patriots fueled that possibility, but then a collapse by the team caused Ryan’s name to lose its luster. Couple that with the fact that he looks like a cross between an elderly Jesus and a fat Elvis Presley – things do not look good for Ryan.

Now that Pat Shurmur has been hired as the next head coach, Ryan will apparently be out of a job in Cleveland. He remains under contract, but he has not been in the office. He was last seen at a seedy strip club in Lorain, Ohio – “making it rain”, with twenty dollar bills.

Although Rob Ryan is at least a year away, if not longer, from being an NFL head coach, he should get another opportunity to serve as a defensive coordinator somewhere else. Afghanistan, planet Krypton, and the CFL are all possibilities. The staff at brownieman.net wishes him well.

Some Guy Named Shurbert Hired

admin — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 17:58:44 +0000

The Cleveland Browns hired St. Louis Rams Offensive Coordinator Patrick Shurbert on Thursday, ending a search for their fifth coach since 1999. That search began when Eric Mangini was shit-canned just days ago. Shurbert was the first candidate interviewed by Browns President Mike Holmgren, which certainly suggests he was in a big hurry to leave for winter vacation.

Chris Palmer, Butch Davis, Romeo Crennel and Mangina each failed in trying to build a consistent winner in Cleveland since the expansion of 1999. Now, it’s Shurbert’s turn. The 45-year-old, who has an uncle named Fritz, will take over a team that has made just one playoff appearance in thirteen f*ckin years. YAY team!

The Browns will introduce Shurbert as their 13th coach at a news conference at their headquarters on Friday afternoon. He has deep connections with Cleveland’s front office, spending eight years mowing GM Tom Heckert’s lawn. Shurbert never worked directly for Holmgren, but he did paint Andy Reid’s house once in the summer of 2001, one of Holmgren’s closest friends. How that qualifies him to coach, we don’t know.

”I have the utmost respect for Coach Holmgren and Tom Heckert , and I am impressed with the direction in which they have this franchise going,” Shurbert said. ”I was willing to sleep with both of them to get this job, but thankfully, only one of them took me up on that offer.”

When Holmgren began his first coaching search as an NFL executive, he stated that head coaching experience would not be a requirement for Mangini’s successor. He kept his word.

”Pat is a bright, young man who has an uncle with a cool name,” Holmgren said. ”But let’s face it, he doesn’t know football from a hole in his ass. I’m just doing this to leave the door open for me to return to coaching in 2011.” Shurbert’s hiring won’t trigger any wild celebration by the fans, who seem content to drown their sorrows in bourbon.