Woods to Join Cleveland Browns?
Friday, February 19th, 2010
Professional golfer and prostitute enthusiast Tiger Woods announced today that he will be retiring from golf and entering the 2010 NFL draft as a wide receiver. This came as a shock to many people in the sports world that assumed he would apologize for his transgressions and announce his return to the sport he has dominated since he was a fetus. Woods spoke today from the clubhouse at TPC Sawgrass, home of the PGA Tour. Ironically, his statement came during the Match Play Championship, sponsored by Accenture, the first company to drop him as a pitchman. Way to stick it to the man, Tiger! His agent, Mark Steinberg believes that Woods could be picked up by the Browns, who have the #7 overall pick in the draft, even though his client has no experience playing the game of football. “While Tiger feels what happened is fundamentally a matter between he and his wife, he also recognizes that he has got to get the hell out of the public eye for a while. At first, we thought rehab was the answer. But having an opportunity to play for the Cleveland Browns virtually guarantees that no one will see his face on TV for another 3-5 years,” Steinberg said in an e-mail on Friday. “It’s a win-win for everyone. He’s in great shape and NFL ready. The Browns get a receiver, and Tiger gets to fade away into obscurity.” Sounds just like what the Cleveland Browns need….more drama! Should make for an interesting season.
According to the Associated Press, Darth Vader has been named the new Offensive Coordinator of the Cleveland Browns. Vader comes to NFL after spending the last thirty three years as the central antagonist in the Star Wars trilogy. During that time, he was a dark, foreboding, and ruthless figure, and one of the pivotal rulers of the Galactic Empire. In 1977, he mercilessly attempted to destroy the Rebel Alliance, which had waged a long and desperate war to free the galaxy from his evil clutches. Although he has no direct experience coaching an NFL team, his brings instant credibility to Cleveland because of his expertise in full-scale, aggressive assaults – something the Browns’ offense has lacked since the late 1980’s. Before joining the dark side, Lord Vader spent much of his time as a Jedi Knight and was later a decorated hero in the Clone Wars. This is just the latest in front office changes for the Browns. Club President Mike Holmgren said that he is pleased to have Vader joining his staff and that he will be “very involved in our attempt to take over the AFC North Division”. 
Browns head coach Eric Mangini is finding new ways to keep himself busy this offseason. On Saturday afternoon he reportedly signed a deal to pose as Napoleon Bonaparte in an upcoming issue of GQ Magazine. The publication plans to do a series of issues that feature NFL coaches dressed as infamous world leaders. This should be old hat for Mangini, since he developed a bit of a Napoleon complex since joining the Browns last January. He will reportedly be paid a whopping $500,000 to pose for the March cover of the magazine. An anonymous source close to the deal had this to say, “Eric is making $500,000 to make fun of himself. For that kind of money, he was like ‘Why not? Everyone else already is! I may as well cash in.’ And it’s not like he has to get naked. If he has to be ridiculed and called names for the rest of his career in Cleveland, he’s OK with that, as long as he gets paid – sorta like Josh Cribbs.” Brownieman.net contacted Mangini on Sunday morning for comment. He had only this to say, “Look, I love who I am. You’re going to have to interpret me however you’re going to interpret me.” He then abruptly hung up the phone. 
Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis said today that the Browns “don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell” of winning on Monday night, when they host the Baltimore Ravens. Really Ray? Did you come to that conclusion on your own? Because virtually every NFL football analyst out there has picked the Browns to win by fifty points! Clearly, you’ll make a great fortune teller when your playing days are over. What’s next? Are you going to predict that taxes are going to increase or that we’ll see a black president take office in our lifetime? Why don’t you stick to what you know best: jumping around like an idiot before games and stabbing people after Super Bowl celebrations. – John Davis (Akron, OH)
Baltimore head coach John Harbaugh will be allowed to wear a Raven costume on the sideline during this weekend’s game against the Cleveland Browns, an NFL spokesman said today. “We’ve agreed to coach Harbaugh’s request,” said Brian McCarthy, the NFL’s director of communications. “He told us he was looking to wear his special outfit for both games against the Browns, as a way to mess with expansion team from Cleveland.” McCarthy emphasized that it is the NFL that determines the policy for what coaches can wear on the sideline, not any of the clothing suppliers the league works with. “We approved the sleeveless hoodie look that Bill Belichick likes, as well as the girdle and lingerie that Mike Tomlin prefers,” McCarthy said. According to the NFL, Commissioner Goodell took a hard look at this request and he supports Harbaugh’s desire to taunt the Browns and show his Raven spirit. However, Goodell ruled that the coach would not be permitted to hold a sign during the game that said “Thanks for the Super Bowl, Modell.” Apparently he thought that would be a little much. The Browns visit Baltimore on Sunday. 
A Denver man who served as the Bronco’s mascot before his death last month in a lawn mowing accident is being remembered at INVESCO Field this weekend. A celebration of the life of John Davies, who would have been entering his 32nd season as “Dale the Donkey”, is scheduled Sunday before the game against the Browns. Davies died three days after being hit by a drunk lawn mower operator at a park near his Colorado home. He was 52 years old. Friends and other people who knew Davies well during his time with the Broncos are expected to offer their support to his family, who will be in attendance on Sunday. “He was an ass, but he was our ass, and we are proud to have known him,” said one season ticket holder. A benefit concert will be scheduled later this year to honor Davies and raise money for the D.A.D.M. (Donkeys Against Drunk Mowing). The show will feature NFL players, and well as a laser light show. 
The NFL has fined Browns head coach Eric Mangini for violating the league’s rules on injury reporting when he was the coach of the New York Jets last season. The team failed to place Favre, now with the Minnesota Vikings, on the injury report during the final month of the season, even though he had a torn biceps tendon and his arm was barely attached to his body. The league, wanting to set an example, has fined the Jets 7 million pesos and Mangini and Jets general manager Mike Tannenbaum 2 million pesos each. It is unclear why the NFL will not accept U.S. currency. Mangini now wants to put the situation behind him. “I have worked with the league on this matter and now consider it closed,” he said in a statement. “It was difficult to find a currency exchange facility in Cleveland, but we got it done and now my focus is on our preparations for the Broncos.” Commissioner Goodell said Monday that the case would be an opportunity for the league to stress the importance of gambling on NFL games. 
Toledo police arrested a 29-year-old Wal-Mart employee Wednesday accused of stealing more than $7,000 worth of costume material from the store. Kylee Jane Gates, who is originally from Austin, Minnesota, is charged with three counts of felony grand theft and nine counts of misdemeanor petit theft. Gates is being held at the Lucas County Jail and will make her initial court appearance on Friday. Toledo police officials say they were contacted by Wal-Mart’s loss prevention department earlier this week when they suspected Gates was stealing. “I didn’t actually see her stuff the Viking helmet down her shirt, but it was pretty obvious that she did. No one has boobs shaped like elephant tusks,” a loss prevention detective said. After police took Gates into custody, they recovered several other items including a braided wig, a knife, and a Viking goblet. Gates told police she needed the items for the game this Sunday in Cleveland. The charge of grand theft is punishable by up to 20 years in prison, but many believe a better punishment would be for Ms. Gates to wear her ridiculous outfit to the Muni Lot tailgate before the game. 
Late last week, when a sarcastic fan asked Mangini if he would even bother showing up at the season opener vs. Minnesota, the Browns head coach said he was going to flip a coin to decide. At first it didn’t appear as though he was serious. Rather, it was simply his way of saying it didn’t matter if he showed up or not. But if Mangini isn’t serious, he certainly isn’t relenting. Before practice this morning, Mangini once again said he plans to flip a coin to decide if he will coach. “That’s probably the fairest way to do it. I’ll probably give both thumbs equal reps with the coin,” he said. “But if I do show up, I might not arrive by car. I might take a train, boat, or hang glider. I really can’t say more than that though. It’s an internal matter.” The man continues to be the Rubik’s Cube of NFL coaches.
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