» NFL

Brownieman Cometh…..SOON!

admin — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 20:39:57 +0000

Is your life a depressing exercise in futility? Do you find that you only laugh in your dreams or while using the men’s room? Well, relax my friends because Brownie Man is coming back for another season of misery…..I mean, excitement. The Brown Knight is working on new content for the site, and should be posting regularly again soon. So dry your eyes, put down that bottle of Wild Turkey, and get yourself cleaned up…..because Brownieman Cometh…..SOON!

Ben Responds to News of Punishment

admin — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 18:58:44 +0000

Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger read a short statement from the locker room at the team’s facility today, in order to address Roger Goodell’s decision to suspend him for six games. Here is the statement in its entirety: “As most of you know, I have made some bad decisions in the last couple of years. I don’t intend to discuss the details, but suffice it to say, my uh….transgressions make Tiger Woods look like Saint Eldrick of Orlando. I am truly sorry for the negative attention I have caused my family and my team. It’s just that….well, the music was loud at the club….and I thought ‘no’ meant ‘sure, do whatever you want’…and really this is just a huge misunderstanding. As was the previous incident in Nevada. Anyway, I am truly sorry. But I think the fans need to keep this in perspective. I may be a rapist….but at least I didn’t kill no dogs. Thank you.” After reading the statement, Roethlisberger turned and walked away. Many NFL experts expect him to be traded within the hour.

Big Ben Gets Big Time Punishment

admin — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 22:24:30 +0000

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell says he has finally decided how he will punish Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger for his recent off-field troubles.”The personal conduct of every NFL player is very important to me,” Goodell said Tuesday afternoon. “So I have decided to suspend Ben for the first four regular season games, and force him to legally change his last name to ‘Date Rapist’ as sort of a scarlet letter to warn others that this kind of behavior will not be tolerated.” Goodell and Roethlisberger met for several hours on Tuesday to discuss the commissioner’s decision. Last week Roethlisberger learned he would not be charged for the alleged sexual assault of a Georgia college student, and while he faces no criminal charges, everyone and their brother knows he’s guilty as shit. Roethlisberger is also involved in a Nevada civil suit that alleges he sexually assaulted a hotel employee there over a year ago. The man simply does not understand the meaning of the words, “Ew, no! You gross me out! Stay the f*ck away from me!” Pittsburgh Steelers President, Art Rooney II, is very angry about the quarterback’s repeated problems, but he told the Associated Press that he hopes the name change will boost jersey sales, as it did in Cincinnati when Chad Johnson changed his last name to Ochocinco. Chad’s jersey change, however, was voluntary.

2010 Schedule to be Announced Soon

admin — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 14:23:51 +0000

Eager to learn when Jake Delhomme will face Big Ben and the Pittsburgh Rapists for the first time? We finally know when the answer will come. After much delay, the NFL schedule will be announced on Tuesday at 7 p.m. on the NFL Network and NFL.com, according to a league source. Usually, the top opening-weekend games and marquee matchups are announced during the owners’ meetings in late March. That announcement was delayed and now it appears the NFL will release the schedule in its entirety this evening. Here, once again, are the Browns’ 2010 opponents and our thoughts on each:

Home Games:
New England Patriots – Bill Belicheat vs. the man who ratted him out
New York Jets – The New York Browns vs. The Cleveland Jets
Atlanta Falcons – I’ll give you $5 if you can name 5 Falcons
Carolina Panthers – Not a real NFL team. Not even a little.
Baltimore Ravens – The Ex-Browns come home…and lose.
Cincinnati Bengals – They’re still the Bungals to me.
Pittsburgh Steelers – Hide your daughters and college-age women
Kansas City Chiefs – Romeo is going down.

Away Games:
Buffalo Bills – Moving to Toronto after another loss to the Browns.
Miami Dolphins – They wish they had Bernie more than we do!
New Orleans Saints – Eh….let’s pray for Hurricane Brownie.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – HAHAHAHA! Ok.
Baltimore Ravens – Quote the Raven, “Never More!”
Cincinnati Bengals – They’re still the Bungals to me.
Pittsburgh Steelers – Suck.
Jacksonville Jaguars – Another fake team in my book

Rogers Arrested for Eating Handgun

admin — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 16:29:43 +0000

Cleveland Browns nose tackle Shaun Rogers was arrested Saturday at Hopkins International Airport after body scanning security equipment found a loaded gun in his stomach. Rogers, who has been known to eat inanimate objects to stave off hunger, was stopped at a security checkpoint on Concourse C when officials spotted a loaded .45-caliber handgun at the base of his stomach, police said in a statement. It was clear to law enforcement officials that Rogers ate the gun for breakfast before arriving at the airport. He was arrested at 12:15 p.m. without incident, transferred to a downtown processing center and booked for carrying a concealed weapon, a third-degree felony. Sgt. James Grondin of the Cleveland Police Department said Rogers was held in the city’s jail overnight and will remain there until Monday morning. No charges have been filed yet, police said, though the 31-year-old Rogers could face federal fines for ingesting a firearm. It’s not yet clear what Rogers told officials about the gun or whether he has a permit for it. But regardless, it is pretty stupid to eat a handgun before boarding a plane.

Another Stiller in Deep Doo Doo

admin — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 16:35:18 +0000

Another day, another crime committed by a Pittsburgh Steelers player; another lawsuit by the victim; and another black eye for an organization already known for its hideous black jerseys. This time, the accused is wide receiver and marijuana enthusiast Santonio Holmes, who told police this week that a woman called him the “N” word the same night he was accused of attacking her with a glass. It’s a classic case of “he said, she said” involving yet another misguided Yinzer in over his head. The incident occurred at Club Rain in Orlando, where the arresting officer got conflicting stories from Holmes and the woman he allegedly assaulted. Go figure! Browniman.net contacted Pittsburgh Steelers President Art Rooney II for comment, and he had this to say, “First Big Ben and now this. Why can’t these guys sit back, collect their millions, and stay the @#$% out of trouble?!” Rooney went on to say that the team is seriously considering changing its name to the Pittsburgh Jailbirds, the Pittsburgh Lawsuits, or the Pittsburgh “no more titles for 50 years because our players are f*cking morons”. We think the last one has a nice ring to it.

Fan Sentenced for Joining the Taliban

admin — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 17:24:48 +0000

Ashley Benton, a 20-year-old Browns fan from Norwalk, was captured last month while fighting for the Taliban. Benton spent her formative years in an affluent Northern Ohio community known for its love of professional football. So why did she end up training in al Qaeda camps and fighting on the Taliban front lines in Afghanistan? In interviews conducted with brownieman.net, the once seemingly typical girl revealed a painful obsession with winning and a complete mental breakdown following yet another horrific football season in Cleveland last year. That journey ended with Benton bloodied and dazed after a prison uprising last month near Mazar-e Sharif. “She’s not someone that I would have ever imagined, could pick up a gun at all,” said Frank Jackson, a Browns season ticket holder who sat next to Benton and her fiancé at every game last season. “She didn’t like the site of hotdogs with ketchup on them, so I can’t imagine her dealing well with the gruesome wounds you see in combat.” An emotionally drained Benton addressed an Ohio court at her sentencing hearing today, more than 30 days after U.S. military forces detained her in northern Afghanistan. She apologized for fighting alongside the Taliban, saying, “If I had I realized then what I know now, I never would have joined them. The fact that my beloved Cleveland Browns suck ass has nothing to do with religious jihads. I think I was just looking for an outlet for my frustration – so I turned to Osama Bin Laden for help.” Although she avoided prison time, Benton was sentenced to 20 years of being a Lions fan as part of her plea agreement.

Comic Strip Surprisingly Accurate

admin — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 14:07:36 +0000

Woods to Join Cleveland Browns?

admin — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 15:06:36 +0000

Professional golfer and prostitute enthusiast Tiger Woods announced today that he will be retiring from golf and entering the 2010 NFL draft as a wide receiver. This came as a shock to many people in the sports world that assumed he would apologize for his transgressions and announce his return to the sport he has dominated since he was a fetus. Woods spoke today from the clubhouse at TPC Sawgrass, home of the PGA Tour. Ironically, his statement came during the Match Play Championship, sponsored by Accenture, the first company to drop him as a pitchman. Way to stick it to the man, Tiger! His agent, Mark Steinberg believes that Woods could be picked up by the Browns, who have the #7 overall pick in the draft, even though his client has no experience playing the game of football. “While Tiger feels what happened is fundamentally a matter between he and his wife, he also recognizes that he has got to get the hell out of the public eye for a while. At first, we thought rehab was the answer. But having an opportunity to play for the Cleveland Browns virtually guarantees that no one will see his face on TV for another 3-5 years,” Steinberg said in an e-mail on Friday. “It’s a win-win for everyone. He’s in great shape and NFL ready. The Browns get a receiver, and Tiger gets to fade away into obscurity.” Sounds just like what the Cleveland Browns need….more drama! Should make for an interesting season.

Lord Vader Takes Over Offense

admin — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 21:26:13 +0000

According to the Associated Press, Darth Vader has been named the new Offensive Coordinator of the Cleveland Browns. Vader comes to NFL after spending the last thirty three years as the central antagonist in the Star Wars trilogy. During that time, he was a dark, foreboding, and ruthless figure, and one of the pivotal rulers of the Galactic Empire. In 1977, he mercilessly attempted to destroy the Rebel Alliance, which had waged a long and desperate war to free the galaxy from his evil clutches. Although he has no direct experience coaching an NFL team, his brings instant credibility to Cleveland because of his expertise in full-scale, aggressive assaults – something the Browns’ offense has lacked since the late 1980’s. Before joining the dark side, Lord Vader spent much of his time as a Jedi Knight and was later a decorated hero in the Clone Wars. This is just the latest in front office changes for the Browns. Club President Mike Holmgren said that he is pleased to have Vader joining his staff and that he will be “very involved in our attempt to take over the AFC North Division”.