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Favre Teaches Colt to Use Big Boy Potty

admin — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 19:49:53 +0000

During the offseason, Browns second year quarterback Colt McCoy decided he needed some help learning the team’s new West Coast offense – especially since the lockout prevented him from meeting with the coaching staff. So McCoy packed his bags and headed to Hattiesburg, Mississippi to pick the brain of 3-time NFL MVP and Wrangler spokesman, Brett Favre. Following practice today, McCoy described, in detail, the time he shared this summer with Favre, who seems to have finally retired for good. McCoy said the pair of quarterbacks — the graying gunslinger and his eager protégé – immersed themselves in learning.”I learned a lot,” McCoy said, “He even taught me how to pee-pee in a big boy potty, so I can’t thank him enough for the time he spent with me. I have a much better grasp of the offense and I’ll be more comfortable during games this season, now that I don’t have to wear Pampers anymore.” The news came as a surprise to many Browns fans, some of whom wondered if Favre helped him go number two as well. “We didn’t even go there,” McCoy said, laughing. “We just talked football and limited the restroom instruction to number one. He really helped me though. The guy has been peeing like a big boy for almost 40 years, so he’s a great resource to have and I appreciate him being willing to spend a couple of days with me to help me out. He even gave me a free pair of Wranglers! Check these bad boys out!” Calls to Favre seeking comment were not immediately returned.

Brownie Man Arrives at Camp Via Balloon

admin — Sun, 31 Jul 2011 21:08:31 +0000

Brownie Man surprised fans this morning by arriving at training camp in a most unusual way – via hot air balloon. Built in the shape of an obese woman’s ass, the balloon was nearly 90 feet tall and held 110,000 cubic feet of air. The caped crusader heard a roar of cheers as he floated down to the practice field to deliver a speech in front of players and fans. The reception appeared to make Brownie Man get a little choked up. “I really didn’t plan on getting emotional,” he said. “I can’t say what this means to me. It’s just surreal. I mean, first the lockout ends, and then the Browns ask me to arrive in this, rather crude, balloon to help them open training camp. I’ve never felt so honored.” The Brown Knight went on to say that he took three practice runs leading up this morning’s main event. It went off without a hitch – except for maybe his nerves. At about 65,000 feet, his hands began to sweat and his heart began racing. Brownie Man landed on the 10-yard line near the south end zone before unhooking his harness and waving to the cheering crowd. Too bad he didn’t land in the end zone — it might have been the first and only Browns touchdown of the season. As for hot air ballooning, Brownie Man said he’s taken his last ride. “I’m glad I got an opportunity to do this, but there is no way in hell I’m going to ride that fat lady’s ass again. I can cross this off my bucket list.”

Browns to Hire Cheerleaders in 2011

admin — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 04:11:26 +0000

In the modern era of NFL football, the Cleveland Browns are one of only a few remaining teams not to have a professional cheerleading squad. That changed this morning when team president Mike Holmgren announced the Browns’ plan to hold open tryouts in July. “When people ask me why the Browns don’t have cheerleaders, I usually tell them to go fuck themselves. The Steelers, Giants, Bears, Lions, and Packers don’t have them, and with the exception of Detroit, they’ve all won Super Bowls,” Holmgren said. “But then I got to thinkin – season ticket sales are in the shithouse – and what better way to give them a little boost than by adding a little T&A to the mix?” Historically, the Browns have shied away from hiring cheerleaders, but have never officially said why. Many fans believe it’s because of the team’s old-school mentality (note the logo-less helmet). Others believe it is because Cleveland’s cold temperatures would prohibit the cheerleaders from showing the amount of skin that would translate to cash at the ticket office. A small group of disgruntled fans believe the real reason is because there hasn’t been anything to cheer about since 1964. Yet every year team executives are inundated with requests for the scantily-clad dressed women. Holmgren has received two such requests since the 2010 NFL season ended. “I think that shows the desire is there,” he said. “Although our IT guy told me that both requests came from the same individual. Not sure how the hell he could possibly know that, but whatever. We all know sex sells, and that’s good enough for me.”

Cleveland Vice Cancelled After 1 Episode

admin — Sun, 12 Jun 2011 16:43:16 +0000

Watch out, Yinzers. That lanky man with the scary orange goggles? He’s got a badge and a gun. And he used to have a reality TV show. If you missed last night’s premiere of Cleveland Vice , you missed one of the best cop shows since – well, COPS. But sadly, the show was cancelled after just one episode. NBC sited “behavioral issues and artistic differences” as the reasons for their decision, but did not elaborate further. Brownie Man has never been known for his sense of right and wrong or an awareness that his cape crusading image is really kinda creepy. When he appeared on The View earlier this month to promote Cleveland Vice, he sat between the hosts, a serene Buddha in a cape and goggles, answering questions from Whoopi and the others with a furrowed brow and deadly seriousness – as though he was being quizzed on the mysteries of human existence. Similarly, on Cleveland Vice, Brownie Man seemed utterly clueless about how he came off. Sitting in the passenger seat of a squad car roaring off to a crime scene, he started giving his partner directions – which were completely ignored. It seemed clear that his partner had been led down a few one-way streets the wrong way by Brownie in the past. He then arrived at a crime scene at which the suspect was already on the ground. Heaving out of the squad car, he ran over and yelled, “I’ll get him! Taser! Taser!” You could hear faint voices in the background saying, “No! No!” The poor suspect was already in the process of being cuffed. NBC said that they will air re-runs of Frasier until a replacement for the show is announced.

PA Woman Arrested for Child Abuse

admin — Sun, 29 May 2011 22:40:03 +0000

A woman from Dormont was jailed today after police found her two-year old wandering the Southside alone, dressed in a Steelers cheerleader outfit. Police say they found 32-year old Kimberly Varga’s daughter three blocks from her boyfriend’s apartment, unsupervised in soiled diapers. Varga faces three counts of endangering a child. One count for forcing her daughter to dress like a dumbass; one for dating a dumbass; and a third for leaving the child on the streets of Pittsburgh without food, water, or terrible towel. She could face additional charges for misusing Steelers paraphernalia during the offseason. The child was examined by local paramedics as a precaution before being released to Child Protective Services. As Varga was placed in a police car, witnesses heard her say, “Yinz guys wanna babysit my daughter N’at? I gotta go dahn-tahn fer-bit.” to a group of onlookers. “This dizzy bitch, shouldn’t be anyone’s mother,” the arresting officer said. “But sadly, this kind of thing happens all the time. Yinzer toddlers run around on the city like stray dogs in Thailand.” Varga remains in Allegheny Jail on five thousand dollars bond.

Sometimes Life Does Imitate Art

admin — Fri, 27 May 2011 17:00:04 +0000

Great, Now Hillis is Cursed!

admin — Mon, 23 May 2011 16:40:49 +0000

In April of this year, EA Sports announced that the face of Madden NFL 12 will be Cleveland Browns running back Peyton Hillis. It’s a nice honor for a player from a small-market team, but history has shown it’s not always a good thing to be on the Madden cover. Just take a look at what’s happened to the guys who have graced previous covers:

• 2011: Drew Brees – Was forced by EA Sports to change his last name to “Blows” in last year’s edition of the video game.
• 2010: Troy Polamalu & Larry Fitzgerald – They had to share the cover due to a tie in a “Whose Team Sucks More” contest. Polamalu went on to injure his knee while taking a dump and only played five games. Fitzgerald had a Pro Bowl season, but almost committed suicide twice when he realized he still plays for the Cardinals.
• 2009: Brett Favre – Traded to Jets and lost 4 of the last 5 games he played in; then he got busted for sending pictures of his junk to some chic.
• 2008: Vince Young – Missed one game with quad injury and went on to have a severe mental breakdown.
• 2007: Shaun Alexander – Fractured foot during a trip to the dentist and missed six games. But at least he still has perfect teeth.
• 2006: Donovan McNabb – A sports hernia caused him to miss seven games; feuded with Terrell Owens all year about whose hernia it was. Owens argued that it belonged to him.
• 2005: Ray Lewis – Broke wrist while masturbating, missed one game; After a similar incident he missed 10 games the following year.
• 2004: Michael Vick – Fractured fibula one day after video game was released, missed 11 games; went on to kill dogs for fun. Then went to prison, which was not fun.
• 2003: Marshall Faulk – Injured his ankle, missed two games, and never rushed for 1,000 yards again; got fat and became a broadcaster.
• 2002: Daunte Culpepper – the Vikings has a stellar 4-7 record before his season-ending knee injury.
• 2001: Eddie George – the former OSU star fumbled in playoffs as the top-seeded Titans lost first game to Ravens of all teams.
• 2000: Barry Sanders – Retired one week before training camp. Pissed off Madden and everyone at EA Sports, thus creating the cover curse.

Right about now, we’re thinking the NFL lockout may be the best thing that has happened to Hillis since he learned how to hurdle defensive backs.

Ochocinco Rides Bull, Albeit Briefly

admin — Sun, 15 May 2011 03:15:51 +0000

Deja Blu, a 1,500-pound bull from the Professional Bull Riders circuit backed up his promise to let a no-talent ass-clown ride him during PBR event. NFL receiver Chad Ochocinco earned $10,000 for making it out of the chute atop the raging bull, but the ride only lasted 1.5 seconds – which many NFL experts believe is 1.5 seconds longer than he’ll be a Super Bowl champion in his lifetime. Ochocinco, who wore a fencing helmet and a Kevlar vest, fell 6.5 seconds short of the time needed to win a new Ford truck and earn the right to rename the bull after Cincinnati Bengals coach Marvin Lewis. After getting beaten like a gum chewer in Singapore, the shit-talking receiver said he would never ride a bull again.”Oh, hell no! One and done, baby.” he said. The publicity stunt was the latest for Ochocinco, whose Twitter account has nearly 2 million hillbilly followers from Kentucky. Ochocinco and Deja Blu were the feature event at intermission of the Lucas Oil Invitational, the attendance of which topped last season’s “Dollar Meth Night” promotion on July 19, 2010.

Browns Unveil New Helmet for 2011

admin — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 20:57:30 +0000

You know the old saying: April showers bring…well, apparently a new logo for the Cleveland Browns. The classic logo-less helmet will get a makeover this spring, according to team President Mike Holmgren. The team plans to make an official announcement next week. The new logo was originally posted on a fan’s blog after someone spotted the Brown’s trademark application on the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office website. In response to the post, Holmgren sent an internal memo to members of his staff in Berea, to help them answer questions about the project. Holmgren confirmed that he wrote the memo, but would not go into much detail about the new helmet design, including why it features “Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo” logo from the popular television show South Park. “There will be a variety of different elements that will take some getting used to,” he said. “But we feel that the new helmets are more in-line with the product we’ve been putting on the field that last couple of seasons. Originally were exploring various mangina logos, but the censors wouldn’t let us move forward. I ultimately decided to fire Eric (Mangini) so we could explore other logo options. Until our play improves substantially, Mr. Hankey will be featured on our helmets.” Holmgren went on to say that the addition of the new logo will make the team’s helmets easier to see on the field – because bright orange is damn near camouflage on the gridiron.

Shurmur to Have ‘Zero’ Input on Draft

admin — Sun, 10 Apr 2011 19:26:13 +0000

There are two key things that head coach Pat Shurmur is learning about Mike Holmgren:
1) he doesn’t want him to speak unless spoken to, and 2) even then he should shut his pretty little pie-hole.
The gloriously direct President of the Cleveland Browns took the podium in Berea on Saturday, just weeks before the draft, to tell reporters that Coach Shurmur would have “zero” input on draft day decisions. This made for a somewhat awkward press conference, since Shurmur was sitting directly to his left. When asked by reporters to elaborate, Holmgren had this to say: “I don’t even want him there. For starters, the fans in Cleveland have no idea who the hell Pat is. Secondly, if I wanted to hear someone else’s opinion, other than Tom’s, I’d call about 32,000 other people before Pat. He is here to coach – pure and simple – until I feel like coaching again. I told him that on day one.” Holmgren went on to say that he is also physically bigger than Shurmur, which could come in handy, should the coach decide to “grow a pair” at any point. When reporters asked Shurmur for comment, he blinked repeatedly, looked up and Holmgren, and blinked repeatedly again – without uttering a word. That caused Holmgren to grin, rub his head, and say “good boy” under his breath. It doesn’t make sense, in the buttoned-up world of the NFL, to be so nakedly candid as Holmgren is. Reporters, who are used to covering coaches that all look and sound the same, are shaken by Holmgren’s demeanor. But he doesn’t give two shits about that either.