The Cleveland Browns unveiled renovated restrooms at Cleveland Browns Stadium on Friday and Todd Argust, Director of Stadium Operations, says he hopes the changes will one day lure a Super Bowl to town. The women’s restrooms have been doubled in size in an effort to cut down on long lines during games, while the changes in the men’s restrooms were more aesthetic. They have been updated to include more urinals of varying heights and life-size photos of women above each station. The women, Argust says, are fully clothed. “This is a venue for families,” he said. “So we decided to keep the images PG-13. Not what I wanted to do, but I have to answer to big Mike (Holmgren).” The images include women taking photographs – presumably of a would-be urinator’s junk; a woman holding a measuring tape; and a few young ladies simply making surprised faces. Argust said the new artwork is, “more of a joke than anything else”, and should be taken as such. Assuming there is a 2011 season, the new restrooms will open in early September, but the Browns hope the new attraction will eventually lure the Super Bowl to Cleveland. “The first step is to see how the cold-weather Super Bowl goes in New York,” Argust said. “If the league has a good experience, then there will undoubtedly be teams that come back and ask for a cold-weather Super Bowl, and we would certainly be on that list. I mean, who wouldn’t want to piss here?!” The renovation cost the team about $1.6 million dollars, and they are the first changes to the stadium since it opened in 1999.

Cleveland police arrested a man yesterday who played a role in a series of local bank robberies, including one at a Huntington Bank branch on Friday. Ted Levine, 54, was arrested at 8:43 a.m. Friday following a car chase, according to the police log. Levin is a television and film actor best known for playing the role of Buffalo Bill in the 1991 movie “Silence of the Lambs”. A native of Bellaire, Ohio, Levin is an avid Browns fan and not afraid to show his team spirit. On Wednesday, a man described as white, between the ages of 50 – 60, about 5-feet-11 inches, wearing a Cleveland Browns hat, Jim Brown jersey, and high heels, entered the Huntington Bank branch on Euclid Avenue and handed a teller a note demanding money. According to police the note read, “It puts the money in the basket. It does this whenever it is told.” When the bank teller questioned the meaning of the note, Levin yelled, “PUT THE MONEY IN THE F*CKIN BASKET!!!” He then fled with an undisclosed sum of cash and the skin of the teller in what police believe was a 1996 white Chevrolet van. A man fitting similar descriptions is a suspect in six other recent bank robberies. In all of those cases, a similar note was given to the tellers, just prior to their faces being peeled off. According to police, Levin faces charges of robbery, operating a motor vehicle with a suspended license, failure to stop for police and scaring the shit out of everyone he comes across.

The NFL officially announced a lockout of players by team owners, following the move by the NFLPA to dissolve themselves and pursue court action against the league. Typically, a lockout closes down all league activities and halts dealings between players and clubs. But this year’s lockout is different in that it is focused solely on special teams. The NFL issued a statement saying that only punters will be locked out – a gesture many NFL insiders believe is the first step in renewing talks with the player’s union. “We’ve decided to lockout punters because we’re pissed and wanted to lock SOMEONE out. Let’s see teams try to win games without fucking punters! That’s like trying to drive a car without windshield wiper fluid,” the statement said. However, the NFLPA – also known for playing hardball – issued a statement of their own upon hearing news of the partial lockout. “Let’s face it, half the fans don’t know who these guys are anyway. It’s not like your kid is running around the fucking playground wearing a Ryan Succop jersey,” a player representative said. “So this partial lockout is a load of shit.” Whether or not the lockout can be enforced will ultimately be decided by the courts, but there remains the risk that the 2011 season could be disrupted.

According to the AP, Brownie Man and the Tooth Fairy arrived in Washington today, in a bid to jump-start contentious and slow-moving labor negotiations between the NFL and the Player’s Association. More than three hours after the pair arrived, the owners and the Players Association released a joint statement saying the mediation had started and that both parties agreed to adhere to the Tooth Fairy’s request that they not speak publicly about the process. True to their word, the owners and players declined to answer questions on their way out of the meeting. It wasn’t immediately clear when the sides would resume talks. However, Brownie Man did speak briefly when he showed up Friday morning. “Look at me. Clearly I live for football. What the hell am I gonna do this Fall without it? So I’m here to help get this resolved.” he told the Associated Press. When asked what progress he expected to come from his presence, he simply replied: “Go Browns!” The current collective bargaining agreement expires this week, but the start of mediation could be a positive sign after several months of infrequent negotiations. Prior to the meeting, the Tooth Fairy said that she would do her part by leaving fifty cents for each tooth left under the pillows of NFL owners and players.

Brett Skilling, a Cleveland Browns season ticket holder since 1999, says he contemplated suicide after the team finished 5-11 for the second season in a row. “About a week after the final game of the season, some knob in Berea thought it would be a good idea to send a season ticket renewal email out. I basically came to the conclusion that death would be better than taking one more minute of this shit.” Skilling told brownieman.net in an interview on Saturday. He said he sought psychiatric help but was only able to emerge from a deep, two-year malaise after the Steelers were beaten in the Super Bowl. “That loss, in a lot of ways, was the turning point,” Skilling said. “That’s when I started climbing back. I could breath again.” During those couple of years of depression, Skilling said he turned into a recluse, bringing signs to the game that voiced his displeasure with management. “I feel like I spoke for everyone in section 213. Hell – everyone in the stadium, for that matter,” he said. Skilling realizes the Browns are rebuilding again, but he now believes he can cope with another season. “At some point, people will ask what that shit is on the field,” he said. “It would be good if someone was there to tell them.”

Team President Mike Holmgren sure knows how to woo a fan base. First came the ring of honor; then he fired Mangini. Now the big man is greasing the wheels even more by sending all 2011 season ticket holders a special Valentine’s Day gift: A Cleveland Browns chocolate robot. The Fox Sports “Cleatus the Robot Action Figure” comes in three different varieties: dark chocolate, milk chocolate, and white chocolate – but the recipients won’t know which one they get until it arrives at their front door. “It’s something I’ve wanted to do for some time,” Holmgren said in a telephone interview. “Our fans are our lifeblood. We want them to come back next year. So I thought: fuck it! Let’s send all of our season ticket holders chocolate robots! That’ll bring ‘em back!” The 2-foot tall edible droid weighs about three and a half pounds and retails for about $24.99. “It’s the least we can do – especially since we can’t refund their money from last year,” Holmgren admitted. He went on to say that the robots move and can even dance like that asshole Ray Lewis, and he hopes the fans appreciate the teams generosity. “Even if there is no NFL season in 2011, the fans in Cleveland will have something sweet to suck on to get them through the year.”

The Cleveland Browns have already started to make room on their offseason roster. On Wednesday afternoon, coach Shurmur and a few of his henchmen made their way through the team weight room in Berea, cutting several “expendable” players with a 3-inch box cutter. This is apparently the way the new staff plans to let players know their services are no longer needed. But only one big name headlined the list of victims.

The AP reported that defensive tackle Shaun Rogers was among five Browns to be slashed on the arms, legs, and buttocks by coach Shurmur before being notified of their release. Also on the cut list: linebacker Eric Barton, linebacker David Bowens, tight end Robert Royal, and tackle John St. Clair.

Some of the attacks came as no surprise. They were “Mangini guys” and their production no longer matched their salary, making them easy prey for the armed and angry coach. Bowens and Barton may not have fit in the team’s new defense, but Rogers’ release is more notable. The Browns clearly believed he was no longer worth all the bullshit, considering his $5.5 million salary and shaky health.

All of the victims of the attack survived but are pretty pissed off. It is unclear if Shurmur and his men will be brought up on formal charges. As far as we can tell, the team has simply moved on. It will be interesting to see if teams show interest in signing the wounded players before a possible work stoppage.

He’s one of the most recognizable faces in the NFL, and he happens to play in New York. He has a huge Nike billboard that covers the whole side of a building near Times Square, but Eli Manning came out of the closet today and admitted he is a die-hard Browns fan. After years of keeping quiet about his personal life, Manning felt enough was enough.

“I am proud to say that I am a Cleveland Browns fan,” Eli said in a message posted on his official website. “I am very blessed to be who I am.”Manning said writing his memoir and thinking about his time in New York led him to go public.

“To keep living a lie, and act like I give a shit about the Giants as I did up until today would be to indirectly diminish the glow that my kids were born with. So today is my day, this is my time, and this is my moment,” he wrote.

“These years in silence and reflection made me stronger and reminded me that acceptance has to come from within and that this kind of truth gives me the power to conquer emotions I didn’t even know existed,” he continued. “What will happen now? It doesn’t matter. The Giants organization can suck it, and Goodell can fine me. I don’t care. A weight has been lifted from my shoulders.”

Manning went on to say that he attended Browns games as a child and occasionally gets a chance to see them play when his team has a buy week – although he admits there hasn’t been much to cheer about lately. “The word “happiness” takes on a new meaning for me as of today. It has been a very intense process. Every word that I write in this letter is born out of love, acceptance, detachment and real contentment. I love the Browns, good or bad.” Manning later admitted that he’s had a Bernie Kosar tattoo on his ass since 1994, something that has been difficult to hide in the locker room.

A prestigious team of doctors at the Cleveland Clinic confirmed today that Browns quarterback Colt McCoy can indeed make objects levitate. This came after weeks of speculation that it was merely an elaborate hoax by the rookie QB. During the final game of the season, several players on the sideline witnessed McCoy “pick up” a football with his mind and make it float in front of him for 3-5 seconds. When coaches were informed, they immediately sent the young QB to the hospital for tests.

When the results came back this morning, Dr. James Kauffman and his team physicists concluded that levitation is no longer just a theory in science fiction novels. However, it should also be noted that in earlier work the same team of physicists stated that invisibility cloaks are feasible. It was later determined that they we’re simply stoned and not fit to conduct any scientific work.

This discovery could ultimately lead to the Browns to draw up a number of new trick plays on offense. “Imagine the possibilities here, people,” Coach Shurmur said in an interview on Sunday. “We can run the wildcat and have Colt snap the fucking ball with his mind, halfway across the field! He could probably do it from the locker room – that would really fuck with the defense.”

The team from the Cleveland Clinic was just as excited and amazed about the discovery. However, none of the physicists seem to know what gives McCoy this unusual ability, leaving much to speculation. Half of the men believe he is an alien from outer space. Others think he is a witch that should be burned at the stake. But some think he might be Jesus Christ, or at the very least, a distant cousin of Christ. Regardless, the Cleveland Browns have a new secret weapon and seem poised for a breakout year.