The Cleveland Browns wasted no time finding a replacement for former Defensive Coordinator, Rob Ryan. The team just announced that they have hired former NFL head coach Dick Jauron as their new D-Coordinator, a well respected 96-year-old man who spent last season in Philadelphia as the Eagles’ secondary coach. A staff writer from brownieman.net was on hand for the press conference in Berea.

“A man of his age has tremendous knowledge of the game,” Head Coach Pat Shurmur said, when asked what the hell he was smoking. “His experience in the NFL as a player, position coach, coordinator and head coach will be a huge asset to our team – even if he nods off occasionally during games. Really, my only concern is that he finds his way around ok. He seemed a little disoriented in Beria, so I took the liberty of labeling everything for him – including the toilet and urinals.”

Jauron drew interest from several other teams, but ultimately decided on Cleveland, where he’s likely to convert the Browns’ 3-4 scheme to a 4-3. Not that it will matter. “There were many elements of this job that were attractive for me,” Jauron said. “I believe that with people like Mike Holm — Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.”

After the Cleveland Browns spanked the Saints on the road, many NFL experts declared Defensive Coordinator Rob Ryan to be on the short list of potential head-coaching hires for 2011. Those experts should have checked with their Magic 8-ball, who would have undoubtedly said, “Are you f*cking crazy?!”

A beat-down of the Patriots fueled that possibility, but then a collapse by the team caused Ryan’s name to lose its luster. Couple that with the fact that he looks like a cross between an elderly Jesus and a fat Elvis Presley – things do not look good for Ryan.

Now that Pat Shurmur has been hired as the next head coach, Ryan will apparently be out of a job in Cleveland. He remains under contract, but he has not been in the office. He was last seen at a seedy strip club in Lorain, Ohio – “making it rain”, with twenty dollar bills.

Although Rob Ryan is at least a year away, if not longer, from being an NFL head coach, he should get another opportunity to serve as a defensive coordinator somewhere else. Afghanistan, planet Krypton, and the CFL are all possibilities. The staff at brownieman.net wishes him well.

The Cleveland Browns hired St. Louis Rams Offensive Coordinator Patrick Shurbert on Thursday, ending a search for their fifth coach since 1999. That search began when Eric Mangini was shit-canned just days ago. Shurbert was the first candidate interviewed by Browns President Mike Holmgren, which certainly suggests he was in a big hurry to leave for winter vacation.

Chris Palmer, Butch Davis, Romeo Crennel and Mangina each failed in trying to build a consistent winner in Cleveland since the expansion of 1999. Now, it’s Shurbert’s turn. The 45-year-old, who has an uncle named Fritz, will take over a team that has made just one playoff appearance in thirteen f*ckin years. YAY team!

The Browns will introduce Shurbert as their 13th coach at a news conference at their headquarters on Friday afternoon. He has deep connections with Cleveland’s front office, spending eight years mowing GM Tom Heckert’s lawn. Shurbert never worked directly for Holmgren, but he did paint Andy Reid’s house once in the summer of 2001, one of Holmgren’s closest friends. How that qualifies him to coach, we don’t know.

”I have the utmost respect for Coach Holmgren and Tom Heckert , and I am impressed with the direction in which they have this franchise going,” Shurbert said. ”I was willing to sleep with both of them to get this job, but thankfully, only one of them took me up on that offer.”

When Holmgren began his first coaching search as an NFL executive, he stated that head coaching experience would not be a requirement for Mangini’s successor. He kept his word.

”Pat is a bright, young man who has an uncle with a cool name,” Holmgren said. ”But let’s face it, he doesn’t know football from a hole in his ass. I’m just doing this to leave the door open for me to return to coaching in 2011.” Shurbert’s hiring won’t trigger any wild celebration by the fans, who seem content to drown their sorrows in bourbon.

There’s nothing like watching a little football after spending years in the dark caves of Northern Afghanistan. That’s what Osama bin Laden did on Sunday when he attended the Cleveland Browns season finale against the Pittsburgh Steelers.

The leader of Al Qaeda, who has spent much of his time in isolation recently, saw the Steelers hand the Browns a big bag of shit, in a lopsided 41-9 victory. According to the AP, bin Laden flew from Toro Bora to New York on Saturday, before catching a flight to Cleveland Sunday morning. A life-long Browns fan, Osama seemed none too pleased with the outcome of the game.

“I come all this way to see best team in world play like dogs! I risk life and limb to see poo-poo! Me no like the poo-poo! Must bomb Berea! I go!” he shouted as he left the stadium. When asked by brownieman.net how it felt to be back in the public eye, Osama, who had Dawg Pound tickets for the game, said: “I never left. Praise be to Allah.”

Fans in the Dawg Pound said that Osama sat quietly during warm-ups, but began booing when the Star Spangled Banner was played over the loudspeaker. They also indicated that he hit the ground when F-16′s did a pre-game fly-by — an indication that we was a little on edge. His behavior deteriorated from there. At halftime, bin Laden was seen throwing beer bottles at the Browns’ coaching staff, calling them “infidel pigs”. It is uncertain why law enforcement officials did not attempt to arrest the FBI’s most-wanted terrorist, or how he was able to get in and out of the country undetected. Perhaps they were just distracted by the poo-poo on the field.