After just a couple of weeks of practice, the new Browns’ offense made an impressive preseason debut Saturday night. Colt McCoy engineered two touchdowns in three possessions and the backups made them hold up in a 27-17 victory over the Green Bay Packers, making a winner of Pat Shurmur in his first exhibition game as an NFL head coach. “It was fun. It was very exciting,” Shurmur said. “Screw the regular season. This team is ready for the playoffs!” McCoy was almost perfect on his two scoring drives. He was 9-of-10 for 135 yards, tossing a 27-yard touchdown pass to Josh Cribbs and setting up a Peyton Hillis TD on a 37-yard seam pass to tight end Benjamin Watson. Although the game didn’t count for shit, the Browns players and fans seemed poised to schedule a Super Bowl victory parade in 2012. It’s worth noting though that Green Bay’s starters only played for a few minutes. That didn’t seem to matter to RB Peyton Hillis.”I can’t believe these guys won it all last year,” said Hillis, who had a 3-yard scoring run and 16 yards overall on five carries. “I can see why EA Sports picked me for the cover of Madden NFL this year.” Shurmur did nothing but add fuel to the fire. “I thought the team looked pretty damn sharp. We executed well, and put points on the board against the defending Super Bowl champs. That has to count for something. I want a bronze statue outside of Cleveland Browns stadium right fuckin now!” McCoy thought the team looked pretty good as well. “We wanted to create a tempo that would allow us to kick the shit out of Green Bay, and as you can see by the scoreboard over my shoulder there, we did just that.”

There are two key things that head coach Pat Shurmur is learning about Mike Holmgren:
1) he doesn’t want him to speak unless spoken to, and 2) even then he should shut his pretty little pie-hole.
The gloriously direct President of the Cleveland Browns took the podium in Berea on Saturday, just weeks before the draft, to tell reporters that Coach Shurmur would have “zero” input on draft day decisions. This made for a somewhat awkward press conference, since Shurmur was sitting directly to his left. When asked by reporters to elaborate, Holmgren had this to say: “I don’t even want him there. For starters, the fans in Cleveland have no idea who the hell Pat is. Secondly, if I wanted to hear someone else’s opinion, other than Tom’s, I’d call about 32,000 other people before Pat. He is here to coach – pure and simple – until I feel like coaching again. I told him that on day one.” Holmgren went on to say that he is also physically bigger than Shurmur, which could come in handy, should the coach decide to “grow a pair” at any point. When reporters asked Shurmur for comment, he blinked repeatedly, looked up and Holmgren, and blinked repeatedly again – without uttering a word. That caused Holmgren to grin, rub his head, and say “good boy” under his breath. It doesn’t make sense, in the buttoned-up world of the NFL, to be so nakedly candid as Holmgren is. Reporters, who are used to covering coaches that all look and sound the same, are shaken by Holmgren’s demeanor. But he doesn’t give two shits about that either.

The Cleveland Browns have already started to make room on their offseason roster. On Wednesday afternoon, coach Shurmur and a few of his henchmen made their way through the team weight room in Berea, cutting several “expendable” players with a 3-inch box cutter. This is apparently the way the new staff plans to let players know their services are no longer needed. But only one big name headlined the list of victims.

The AP reported that defensive tackle Shaun Rogers was among five Browns to be slashed on the arms, legs, and buttocks by coach Shurmur before being notified of their release. Also on the cut list: linebacker Eric Barton, linebacker David Bowens, tight end Robert Royal, and tackle John St. Clair.

Some of the attacks came as no surprise. They were “Mangini guys” and their production no longer matched their salary, making them easy prey for the armed and angry coach. Bowens and Barton may not have fit in the team’s new defense, but Rogers’ release is more notable. The Browns clearly believed he was no longer worth all the bullshit, considering his $5.5 million salary and shaky health.

All of the victims of the attack survived but are pretty pissed off. It is unclear if Shurmur and his men will be brought up on formal charges. As far as we can tell, the team has simply moved on. It will be interesting to see if teams show interest in signing the wounded players before a possible work stoppage.

A prestigious team of doctors at the Cleveland Clinic confirmed today that Browns quarterback Colt McCoy can indeed make objects levitate. This came after weeks of speculation that it was merely an elaborate hoax by the rookie QB. During the final game of the season, several players on the sideline witnessed McCoy “pick up” a football with his mind and make it float in front of him for 3-5 seconds. When coaches were informed, they immediately sent the young QB to the hospital for tests.

When the results came back this morning, Dr. James Kauffman and his team physicists concluded that levitation is no longer just a theory in science fiction novels. However, it should also be noted that in earlier work the same team of physicists stated that invisibility cloaks are feasible. It was later determined that they we’re simply stoned and not fit to conduct any scientific work.

This discovery could ultimately lead to the Browns to draw up a number of new trick plays on offense. “Imagine the possibilities here, people,” Coach Shurmur said in an interview on Sunday. “We can run the wildcat and have Colt snap the fucking ball with his mind, halfway across the field! He could probably do it from the locker room – that would really fuck with the defense.”

The team from the Cleveland Clinic was just as excited and amazed about the discovery. However, none of the physicists seem to know what gives McCoy this unusual ability, leaving much to speculation. Half of the men believe he is an alien from outer space. Others think he is a witch that should be burned at the stake. But some think he might be Jesus Christ, or at the very least, a distant cousin of Christ. Regardless, the Cleveland Browns have a new secret weapon and seem poised for a breakout year.

The Cleveland Browns wasted no time finding a replacement for former Defensive Coordinator, Rob Ryan. The team just announced that they have hired former NFL head coach Dick Jauron as their new D-Coordinator, a well respected 96-year-old man who spent last season in Philadelphia as the Eagles’ secondary coach. A staff writer from brownieman.net was on hand for the press conference in Berea.

“A man of his age has tremendous knowledge of the game,” Head Coach Pat Shurmur said, when asked what the hell he was smoking. “His experience in the NFL as a player, position coach, coordinator and head coach will be a huge asset to our team – even if he nods off occasionally during games. Really, my only concern is that he finds his way around ok. He seemed a little disoriented in Beria, so I took the liberty of labeling everything for him – including the toilet and urinals.”

Jauron drew interest from several other teams, but ultimately decided on Cleveland, where he’s likely to convert the Browns’ 3-4 scheme to a 4-3. Not that it will matter. “There were many elements of this job that were attractive for me,” Jauron said. “I believe that with people like Mike Holm — Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.”

After the Cleveland Browns spanked the Saints on the road, many NFL experts declared Defensive Coordinator Rob Ryan to be on the short list of potential head-coaching hires for 2011. Those experts should have checked with their Magic 8-ball, who would have undoubtedly said, “Are you f*cking crazy?!”

A beat-down of the Patriots fueled that possibility, but then a collapse by the team caused Ryan’s name to lose its luster. Couple that with the fact that he looks like a cross between an elderly Jesus and a fat Elvis Presley – things do not look good for Ryan.

Now that Pat Shurmur has been hired as the next head coach, Ryan will apparently be out of a job in Cleveland. He remains under contract, but he has not been in the office. He was last seen at a seedy strip club in Lorain, Ohio – “making it rain”, with twenty dollar bills.

Although Rob Ryan is at least a year away, if not longer, from being an NFL head coach, he should get another opportunity to serve as a defensive coordinator somewhere else. Afghanistan, planet Krypton, and the CFL are all possibilities. The staff at brownieman.net wishes him well.

The Cleveland Browns hired St. Louis Rams Offensive Coordinator Patrick Shurbert on Thursday, ending a search for their fifth coach since 1999. That search began when Eric Mangini was shit-canned just days ago. Shurbert was the first candidate interviewed by Browns President Mike Holmgren, which certainly suggests he was in a big hurry to leave for winter vacation.

Chris Palmer, Butch Davis, Romeo Crennel and Mangina each failed in trying to build a consistent winner in Cleveland since the expansion of 1999. Now, it’s Shurbert’s turn. The 45-year-old, who has an uncle named Fritz, will take over a team that has made just one playoff appearance in thirteen f*ckin years. YAY team!

The Browns will introduce Shurbert as their 13th coach at a news conference at their headquarters on Friday afternoon. He has deep connections with Cleveland’s front office, spending eight years mowing GM Tom Heckert’s lawn. Shurbert never worked directly for Holmgren, but he did paint Andy Reid’s house once in the summer of 2001, one of Holmgren’s closest friends. How that qualifies him to coach, we don’t know.

”I have the utmost respect for Coach Holmgren and Tom Heckert , and I am impressed with the direction in which they have this franchise going,” Shurbert said. ”I was willing to sleep with both of them to get this job, but thankfully, only one of them took me up on that offer.”

When Holmgren began his first coaching search as an NFL executive, he stated that head coaching experience would not be a requirement for Mangini’s successor. He kept his word.

”Pat is a bright, young man who has an uncle with a cool name,” Holmgren said. ”But let’s face it, he doesn’t know football from a hole in his ass. I’m just doing this to leave the door open for me to return to coaching in 2011.” Shurbert’s hiring won’t trigger any wild celebration by the fans, who seem content to drown their sorrows in bourbon.