What are commonly referred to as silly teenage pranks can sometimes have serious consequences. Pittsburgh resident Randy Kennedy experienced that first-hand last season while visiting Cleveland for a game against his archrival. Kennedy, a life-long Steelers fan, was severely injured last December when one of his brilliant yinzer friends dared him to run through the Muni Lot in an Art Modell costume, waving a terrible towel and screaming obscenities at Browns fans He made it all of about 25 yards into the lot before several thousand tailgaters beat him to a bloody pulp. Kennedy, who barely escaped with his life, has since tried to prosecute the ring leaders of the beat-down. He suffered a fractured skull, a broken jaw and later developed pneumonia. As a result, he had to spend 100 days in an intensive care unit and undergo four major surgeries to fix his injuries. However, on Monday afternoon, a Cleveland judge ruled that Kennedy was a natural born dumbass and utterly insane for even attempting such a stunt – clearing the Browns fans of all charges. “Young people must think about the consequences of their actions,” he said up upon issuing the ruling. “Hopefully this incident will stand as an example to show young towel waving morons like Mr. Kennedy what a thoughtless act, perceived by them as a funny joke, can do in real life.”

Cleveland Browns head coach Eric Mangini is set to open his own brewery, according to reports from the Associated Press. The 39-year-old, who considers himself a bit of an expert when it comes to drinking beer, has reportedly registered brand names for his line of microbrews, one of which will be called Mangini Ale. Other names include Loser Lager, Dawg Pound Porter, and Pay the Man Pilsner – in honor of Josh Cribbs. A spokesman for the Intellectual Property Office said the names have been registered and have appeared in the Trade Marks Journal. Mangini’s Brewery & Public House is set to open in The Flats of Cleveland in July, a spokesperson confirmed on Tuesday morning. The Flats saw resurgence as an entertainment destination in the mid-1980’s, but that was short lived. Mangini and his beer making friends hope to change that. Details of the new location will be formally released next week, but it is rumored that the pub will occupy an old warehouse on the shores of Lake Erie. “My plan is simple” Mangini said during a phone interview, “I want to get the city of Cleveland drunk as hell. I’m talking fall-down drunk. 50 point loss to Pittsburgh drunk. That way, they’ll forget all about my first draft, my first training camp, and the infamous QB debacle. And I think we’ll have enough Loser Lager to do it.”

According to the Associate Press, the Brown Knight has pleaded with Cleveland Browns fans to respect all people without discrimination or the threat of violence during a recent interview about the upcoming NFL draft. “Respect others, regardless of their jersey color, nationality, language, or religion”, Brownie Man said, “It is important to keep this in mind, even when they are different than us.” But following the interview, he openly admitted that it was really just a PR stunt that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell forced him into and that the words were as hollow as Dan Rooney’s Yinzer-ass skull. He later added, “I live in my mother’s basement and dress up like a super hero on acid…AND YOU TAKE ME SERIOUSLY?! Come on man…get a clue.”

Brownie Man woke up this morning at 5:30 a.m. and made some coffee. When he took his first sip, he noticed that it tasted funny – as if it had Sweet & Low in it or something. But the Brown Knight drinks his coffee black, and so he began to panic. He wondered if he accidentally make his coffee with antifreeze again. And then it hit him – the coffee was the same. It was the sweet taste of victory that he was experiencing. It’s been so long since he’s had it, he almost forgot what it was like. The Browns had 8 sacks against the defending Super Bowl chumps. They ran the ball well against a very good defensive team. Special teams were indeed special. Browns 13 Squeelers 6. And it’s not even Christmas yet. Thank you Santa, thank you!

Sam-I-Am always wants dessert first: for breakfast, lunch and dinner – but who doesn’t? Recognizing the problem with obesity in Pittsburgh, registered dietitian and devoted mother Christine Weber has been working with the Dr. Seuss Foundation on a new book entitled, “What the F*ck is This Sh*t?!” The new full-color illustrated book shows young Yinzers who gorge themselves on junk food that eating balanced, colorful meals can be fun too! On page 4 of the book, mommy and daddy make a deal with Sam: He can eat a treat as long as he also eats a fruit or vegetable with his meal. Eventually Sam learns to like healthy food and loses over 250 pounds at the climactic ending of the story. Although it seems like common sense to most people, the book caters to the unintelligent youth of the Steel City. In order to get them to open the book, Weber insisted that the publisher slap a Pittsburgh Steelers logo on the cover. Whether or not kids will actually read it and take heed remains to be seen. Young Yinzers and their parents could surely benefit from this educational and fun story, which is available at local bookstores now for $19.99.

A man covered with Steelers tattoos was arrested after he exposed himself to woman on the Southside neighborhood in Pittsburgh this afternoon. The intoxicated 33-year-old hillbilly was running down Carson Street screaming when he noticed a woman he thought he knew sitting outside a bar, according to the incident report. The man called out to the woman by name, but she didn’t respond. After calling to her a second time, he realized she wasn’t the woman he thought and so he unzipped his pants and exposed himself to her. His testicles were tattooed with the faces of Kordell Stewart and Larry Foote, both former Steelers. The woman told the man to go away several times, but he refused and police were called. After local law enforcement responded to the scene, the man, who also had tattoos of the Eat’n Park logo on his hands, ran away. Police found him hiding behind a fence and arrested him for indecent exposure, blatant stupidity, and disorderly conduct. Ironically, the man that was arrested in Cleveland recently on similar charges.

There’s no more doubt: Jesus has gone on record saying he is rooting for Cleveland in this weekend’s matchup against the Steelers. “I wish the Pittsburgh the best,” the he told reporters outside of a Cleveland bar, “but I am a long-time Browns fan.” He later went on to say that the Steelers and their fan base are worthless ‘sinners’ and he joked that he would have the Holy Spirit ‘turn the whole damn city into stone’. According to those closest to Christ, he has tremendous affection for Brownie Nation, and the dawg pound in particular. Rumor has it that he intends to pass out “Pittsburgh Sucks” buttons at the game, featuring a cartoon character in his likeness.

A Pittsburgh man was arrested in downtown Cleveland on Wednesday evening and charged with reckless stupidity. Jesse Rockwell, 37, was picked up by Police just outside The Winking Lizard Tavern around 11pm. He and his toothless, meth-addicted friends were walking around the city with their shirts off. Although walking around sans shirt is not typically viewed as criminal, police made an exception in Rockwell’s case because he was covered from head to toe in Pittsburgh-themed sports tattoos. Brownieman.net was able to reach Rockwell at the county jail for comment. “Yinz guys are blowin this outta proportion, man. I spent a lot of money on these tatts. I got me Willie Stargell, Terry Bradshaw, Mario Lemieux, and some guy that got cut from the Stillers 1977 team. Yinz guys don’t like art or somethin?” Rockwell’s attorney will represent him in court this morning and hopes to get the charges dropped after proving that his client is a moron. He is currently being held without bond.