Ben Roethlisberger has officially turned in his “playah card” and says he is no longer interested in nightclubs or forced sexual encounters with female fans. The Pittsburgh Steeler QB drugged fellow Yinzer Ashley Harlan, a 26-year-old gold-digger, and wed her in a private ceremony in Pittsburgh. Just a little over a year after the 29-year-old quarterback was accused of sexual assault for a second time, a source told brownieman.net that Big Ben had the city’s police at his beck and call to protect his big day. Just in case guns and badges were not enough to keep hecklers away, the two-time Super Bowl winner, who weighs in at 286 pounds, required all guests to present a special slip of paper to gain access to the church and the reception. They were also given wristbands confirming their entry once inside. But it wasn’t the over-the-top security that surprised everyone – it was the slew of Christian music artists who took part in the nuptials. Perhaps it shouldn’t have been a surprise. Roethlisberger has said he and his new spouse did not live together before marriage for “religious reasons”. Besides Roethlisberger’s teammates, the guest list included Michael Vick’s dog sitter, OJ Simpson, & Casey Anthony.

Kathy Danna, a 38-year old accountant from Akron, has decided to give her baby up for adoption because she can’t stomach the idea of raising a child that was fathered by a hillbilly from Western Pennsylvania. The woman discovered she was pregnant just weeks after sleeping with Anthony Gale, 47, who she met at a baseball game in Pittsburgh. To add insult to injury, Danna has been married for over four years and was unsure who the father of her baby was at first. However, an ultrasound on Wednesday confirmed that the baby she is carrying is, in fact, Yinzer offspring. “The doctor showed me the ultrasound and I could see that the baby was holding a terrible towel in its hand,” she said. “I was so upset, I collapsed. My husband Rick has been a Browns fan since he was nine, so I knew Anthony had to be the father. It made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.” Danna went on to say the sexual encounter between her and Mr. Gale was a one-time thing and the result of “being severely intoxicated and making bad decisions”, but she vowed to rectify her mistake by giving her baby up for adoption. At one point during her interview Danna admitted that she briefly considered having an abortion but ultimately decided it was not in-line with her moral compass, further explaining that even Yinzers have a place in god’s world. Although her husband Rick hasn’t forgiven her for her transgressions, she hopes to smooth things over by giving him a pair of Dawg Pound tickets this season. Rick did not immediately return calls for comment, but a friend close to the situation said he’s seriously considering his wife’s offer.

A woman from Dormont was jailed today after police found her two-year old wandering the Southside alone, dressed in a Steelers cheerleader outfit. Police say they found 32-year old Kimberly Varga’s daughter three blocks from her boyfriend’s apartment, unsupervised in soiled diapers. Varga faces three counts of endangering a child. One count for forcing her daughter to dress like a dumbass; one for dating a dumbass; and a third for leaving the child on the streets of Pittsburgh without food, water, or terrible towel. She could face additional charges for misusing Steelers paraphernalia during the offseason. The child was examined by local paramedics as a precaution before being released to Child Protective Services. As Varga was placed in a police car, witnesses heard her say, “Yinz guys wanna babysit my daughter N’at? I gotta go dahn-tahn fer-bit.” to a group of onlookers. “This dizzy bitch, shouldn’t be anyone’s mother,” the arresting officer said. “But sadly, this kind of thing happens all the time. Yinzer toddlers run around on the city like stray dogs in Thailand.” Varga remains in Allegheny Jail on five thousand dollars bond.

On the surface, Phil Dawson’s life as a placekicker doesn’t seem like a recipe for a New York Times best seller. But soon after the lockout began, he became restless, and decided to begin writing about his experiences on and off the field. And the rest, as they say, is history. A 350 page book was recently released by Cardinal Publishing and is written in a smooth conversational style. How to Eat Shit and Die for Dumbasses is dedicated to the Baltimore Ravens organization. Although the title suggests it is an instructional manual, the pages are really more of a collection of jokes, insults, and incoherent drunken rambling directed at a team that has dominated Phil Dawson and his teammates over the last 12 years –something that the kicker hopes to change in 2011. “I’m very proud of my book and I’m glad it’s out,” he said during a recent interview with brownieman.net. “It was therapeutic in a way. I’m so sick of those arrogant pricks and it is my sincere hope that they dine on a steaming plate of hot shit, and die shortly thereafter.” Dawson began working on the book in March, starting out by pouring through news clippings he had saved over the years. “I thought, even if nothing comes of the book, the information will be in a form that my friends and family could read and enjoy for themselves.” It only took two months to piece the story together and the process “helped me heal and get fired up for next season, assuming there is one,” Dawson said. In the meantime, the kicker is now at work on his second book (dedicated to the Pittsburgh Steelers). It is tentatively titled, Burn in Hell, After You Die From Septic Shock.

Pittsburgh Steelers’ running back Rashard Mendenhall has created a real shit storm with comments he made on his Twitter page regarding Osama bin Laden’s death. He recently tweeted: “What kind of person celebrates death? It’s amazing how people can HATE a man they have never even heard speak. We’ve only heard one side.” Mendenhall didn’t hold back, even making a reference to the Sept. 11 attacks. “We’ll never know what really happened. Ya’ll just tryin to blame Osama because he’s the face of terrorism, but you don’t know he did it,” he tweeted. Due to the stupidity of his comments, his current employer felt compelled to act. On Tuesday, Pittsburgh Steelers president Art Rooney II released a statement. “I have not spoken with Rashard, so it is hard to explain or even comprehend what he meant with his recent Twitter comments. The entire Steelers organization thinks he is a moron, and clearly playing a game while making millions of dollars does not qualify him to be an expert on terrorism or efforts to stop it. We are very proud of the job our military personnel have done and we can only hope this leads to our troops coming home soon.” Rooney later admitted that he had no idea what tweets were, prior to Mendenhall’s ill-advised comments, but he said he plans to have him do shuttle runs at Heinz Field, “until his lungs bleed”. Mendenhall is coming off a tremendous season, as he led the AFC chumps in carries, rushing yards, and rushing touchdowns. Mendenhall’s string of tweets ended around 6 p.m. on Monday. He has not tweeted since. Praise be to Allah!

There’s nothing like watching a little football after spending years in the dark caves of Northern Afghanistan. That’s what Osama bin Laden did on Sunday when he attended the Cleveland Browns season finale against the Pittsburgh Steelers.

The leader of Al Qaeda, who has spent much of his time in isolation recently, saw the Steelers hand the Browns a big bag of shit, in a lopsided 41-9 victory. According to the AP, bin Laden flew from Toro Bora to New York on Saturday, before catching a flight to Cleveland Sunday morning. A life-long Browns fan, Osama seemed none too pleased with the outcome of the game.

“I come all this way to see best team in world play like dogs! I risk life and limb to see poo-poo! Me no like the poo-poo! Must bomb Berea! I go!” he shouted as he left the stadium. When asked by brownieman.net how it felt to be back in the public eye, Osama, who had Dawg Pound tickets for the game, said: “I never left. Praise be to Allah.”

Fans in the Dawg Pound said that Osama sat quietly during warm-ups, but began booing when the Star Spangled Banner was played over the loudspeaker. They also indicated that he hit the ground when F-16′s did a pre-game fly-by — an indication that we was a little on edge. His behavior deteriorated from there. At halftime, bin Laden was seen throwing beer bottles at the Browns’ coaching staff, calling them “infidel pigs”. It is uncertain why law enforcement officials did not attempt to arrest the FBI’s most-wanted terrorist, or how he was able to get in and out of the country undetected. Perhaps they were just distracted by the poo-poo on the field.