» Pittsburgh Steelers

One More Pre-draft Cheap Shot

admin — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 20:31:04 +0000

Ben Responds to News of Punishment

admin — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 18:58:44 +0000

Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger read a short statement from the locker room at the team’s facility today, in order to address Roger Goodell’s decision to suspend him for six games. Here is the statement in its entirety: “As most of you know, I have made some bad decisions in the last couple of years. I don’t intend to discuss the details, but suffice it to say, my uh….transgressions make Tiger Woods look like Saint Eldrick of Orlando. I am truly sorry for the negative attention I have caused my family and my team. It’s just that….well, the music was loud at the club….and I thought ‘no’ meant ‘sure, do whatever you want’…and really this is just a huge misunderstanding. As was the previous incident in Nevada. Anyway, I am truly sorry. But I think the fans need to keep this in perspective. I may be a rapist….but at least I didn’t kill no dogs. Thank you.” After reading the statement, Roethlisberger turned and walked away. Many NFL experts expect him to be traded within the hour.

A Tribute to Our Favorite Yinzer

admin — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 02:19:57 +0000

Big Ben Gets Big Time Punishment

admin — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 22:24:30 +0000

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell says he has finally decided how he will punish Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger for his recent off-field troubles.”The personal conduct of every NFL player is very important to me,” Goodell said Tuesday afternoon. “So I have decided to suspend Ben for the first four regular season games, and force him to legally change his last name to ‘Date Rapist’ as sort of a scarlet letter to warn others that this kind of behavior will not be tolerated.” Goodell and Roethlisberger met for several hours on Tuesday to discuss the commissioner’s decision. Last week Roethlisberger learned he would not be charged for the alleged sexual assault of a Georgia college student, and while he faces no criminal charges, everyone and their brother knows he’s guilty as shit. Roethlisberger is also involved in a Nevada civil suit that alleges he sexually assaulted a hotel employee there over a year ago. The man simply does not understand the meaning of the words, “Ew, no! You gross me out! Stay the f*ck away from me!” Pittsburgh Steelers President, Art Rooney II, is very angry about the quarterback’s repeated problems, but he told the Associated Press that he hopes the name change will boost jersey sales, as it did in Cincinnati when Chad Johnson changed his last name to Ochocinco. Chad’s jersey change, however, was voluntary.

Happy Easter, Pittsburgh!

admin — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 16:37:14 +0000

Another Stiller in Deep Doo Doo

admin — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 16:35:18 +0000

Another day, another crime committed by a Pittsburgh Steelers player; another lawsuit by the victim; and another black eye for an organization already known for its hideous black jerseys. This time, the accused is wide receiver and marijuana enthusiast Santonio Holmes, who told police this week that a woman called him the “N” word the same night he was accused of attacking her with a glass. It’s a classic case of “he said, she said” involving yet another misguided Yinzer in over his head. The incident occurred at Club Rain in Orlando, where the arresting officer got conflicting stories from Holmes and the woman he allegedly assaulted. Go figure! Browniman.net contacted Pittsburgh Steelers President Art Rooney II for comment, and he had this to say, “First Big Ben and now this. Why can’t these guys sit back, collect their millions, and stay the @#$% out of trouble?!” Rooney went on to say that the team is seriously considering changing its name to the Pittsburgh Jailbirds, the Pittsburgh Lawsuits, or the Pittsburgh “no more titles for 50 years because our players are f*cking morons”. We think the last one has a nice ring to it.

Big Ben in Big Trouble (Again)

admin — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 17:59:35 +0000

Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has been accused of yet another sexual assault – this time by a young woman in Pennsylvania. The alleged incident occurred late last night at Yinz Guys Bar N’ That – a club in Pittsburgh that is a magnet for white trash. Roethlisberger and his entourage were there to celebrate St. Patrick’s day. The latest accusation comes on the heels of similar incidents in Georgia and Nevada. According to police, the alleged victim was treated at a local hospital and released. We’re told Ben Roethlisberger has already been interviewed by police and maintains he is a kind, non-violent sex addict. Roethlisberger told police that he is in an in-patient facility and is currently rooming with Tiger Woods. No formal charges have been filed at this point, but in related news, the Pittsburgh Steelers still suck.

Yinzer Prank Goes Horribly Wrong

admin — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 13:30:46 +0000

What are commonly referred to as silly teenage pranks can sometimes have serious consequences. Pittsburgh resident Randy Kennedy experienced that first-hand last season while visiting Cleveland for a game against his archrival. Kennedy, a life-long Steelers fan, was severely injured last December when one of his brilliant yinzer friends dared him to run through the Muni Lot in an Art Modell costume, waving a terrible towel and screaming obscenities at Browns fans He made it all of about 25 yards into the lot before several thousand tailgaters beat him to a bloody pulp. Kennedy, who barely escaped with his life, has since tried to prosecute the ring leaders of the beat-down. He suffered a fractured skull, a broken jaw and later developed pneumonia. As a result, he had to spend 100 days in an intensive care unit and undergo four major surgeries to fix his injuries. However, on Monday afternoon, a Cleveland judge ruled that Kennedy was a natural born dumbass and utterly insane for even attempting such a stunt – clearing the Browns fans of all charges. “Young people must think about the consequences of their actions,” he said up upon issuing the ruling. “Hopefully this incident will stand as an example to show young towel waving morons like Mr. Kennedy what a thoughtless act, perceived by them as a funny joke, can do in real life.”

Mangini to Open Microbrewery

admin — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 16:29:08 +0000

Cleveland Browns head coach Eric Mangini is set to open his own brewery, according to reports from the Associated Press. The 39-year-old, who considers himself a bit of an expert when it comes to drinking beer, has reportedly registered brand names for his line of microbrews, one of which will be called Mangini Ale. Other names include Loser Lager, Dawg Pound Porter, and Pay the Man Pilsner – in honor of Josh Cribbs. A spokesman for the Intellectual Property Office said the names have been registered and have appeared in the Trade Marks Journal. Mangini’s Brewery & Public House is set to open in The Flats of Cleveland in July, a spokesperson confirmed on Tuesday morning. The Flats saw resurgence as an entertainment destination in the mid-1980’s, but that was short lived. Mangini and his beer making friends hope to change that. Details of the new location will be formally released next week, but it is rumored that the pub will occupy an old warehouse on the shores of Lake Erie. “My plan is simple” Mangini said during a phone interview, “I want to get the city of Cleveland drunk as hell. I’m talking fall-down drunk. 50 point loss to Pittsburgh drunk. That way, they’ll forget all about my first draft, my first training camp, and the infamous QB debacle. And I think we’ll have enough Loser Lager to do it.”

Brownie Man Calls for Peace…Sort Of

admin — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 04:42:15 +0000

According to the Associate Press, the Brown Knight has pleaded with Cleveland Browns fans to respect all people without discrimination or the threat of violence during a recent interview about the upcoming NFL draft. “Respect others, regardless of their jersey color, nationality, language, or religion”, Brownie Man said, “It is important to keep this in mind, even when they are different than us.” But following the interview, he openly admitted that it was really just a PR stunt that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell forced him into and that the words were as hollow as Dan Rooney’s Yinzer-ass skull. He later added, “I live in my mother’s basement and dress up like a super hero on acid…AND YOU TAKE ME SERIOUSLY?! Come on man…get a clue.”