Brownie Man woke up this morning at 5:30 a.m. and made some coffee. When he took his first sip, he noticed that it tasted funny – as if it had Sweet & Low in it or something. But the Brown Knight drinks his coffee black, and so he began to panic. He wondered if he accidentally make his coffee with antifreeze again. And then it hit him – the coffee was the same. It was the sweet taste of victory that he was experiencing. It’s been so long since he’s had it, he almost forgot what it was like. The Browns had 8 sacks against the defending Super Bowl chumps. They ran the ball well against a very good defensive team. Special teams were indeed special. Browns 13 Squeelers 6. And it’s not even Christmas yet. Thank you Santa, thank you!

Sam-I-Am always wants dessert first: for breakfast, lunch and dinner – but who doesn’t? Recognizing the problem with obesity in Pittsburgh, registered dietitian and devoted mother Christine Weber has been working with the Dr. Seuss Foundation on a new book entitled, “What the F*ck is This Sh*t?!” The new full-color illustrated book shows young Yinzers who gorge themselves on junk food that eating balanced, colorful meals can be fun too! On page 4 of the book, mommy and daddy make a deal with Sam: He can eat a treat as long as he also eats a fruit or vegetable with his meal. Eventually Sam learns to like healthy food and loses over 250 pounds at the climactic ending of the story. Although it seems like common sense to most people, the book caters to the unintelligent youth of the Steel City. In order to get them to open the book, Weber insisted that the publisher slap a Pittsburgh Steelers logo on the cover. Whether or not kids will actually read it and take heed remains to be seen. Young Yinzers and their parents could surely benefit from this educational and fun story, which is available at local bookstores now for $19.99.

A man covered with Steelers tattoos was arrested after he exposed himself to woman on the Southside neighborhood in Pittsburgh this afternoon. The intoxicated 33-year-old hillbilly was running down Carson Street screaming when he noticed a woman he thought he knew sitting outside a bar, according to the incident report. The man called out to the woman by name, but she didn’t respond. After calling to her a second time, he realized she wasn’t the woman he thought and so he unzipped his pants and exposed himself to her. His testicles were tattooed with the faces of Kordell Stewart and Larry Foote, both former Steelers. The woman told the man to go away several times, but he refused and police were called. After local law enforcement responded to the scene, the man, who also had tattoos of the Eat’n Park logo on his hands, ran away. Police found him hiding behind a fence and arrested him for indecent exposure, blatant stupidity, and disorderly conduct. Ironically, the man that was arrested in Cleveland recently on similar charges.

There’s no more doubt: Jesus has gone on record saying he is rooting for Cleveland in this weekend’s matchup against the Steelers. “I wish the Pittsburgh the best,” the he told reporters outside of a Cleveland bar, “but I am a long-time Browns fan.” He later went on to say that the Steelers and their fan base are worthless ‘sinners’ and he joked that he would have the Holy Spirit ‘turn the whole damn city into stone’. According to those closest to Christ, he has tremendous affection for Brownie Nation, and the dawg pound in particular. Rumor has it that he intends to pass out “Pittsburgh Sucks” buttons at the game, featuring a cartoon character in his likeness.

A Pittsburgh man was arrested in downtown Cleveland on Wednesday evening and charged with reckless stupidity. Jesse Rockwell, 37, was picked up by Police just outside The Winking Lizard Tavern around 11pm. He and his toothless, meth-addicted friends were walking around the city with their shirts off. Although walking around sans shirt is not typically viewed as criminal, police made an exception in Rockwell’s case because he was covered from head to toe in Pittsburgh-themed sports tattoos. Brownieman.net was able to reach Rockwell at the county jail for comment. “Yinz guys are blowin this outta proportion, man. I spent a lot of money on these tatts. I got me Willie Stargell, Terry Bradshaw, Mario Lemieux, and some guy that got cut from the Stillers 1977 team. Yinz guys don’t like art or somethin?” Rockwell’s attorney will represent him in court this morning and hopes to get the charges dropped after proving that his client is a moron. He is currently being held without bond.

Daryl Jenks, pictured at left, took a trip to the local video store on Thursday night. Little did he realize that brownieman.net would be there to snap his picture. I’m not sure what I like best about Mr. Jenks: the leather Stillers coat in 80 degree heat, the Guns & Roses studded belt, or the frosted-tip mullet. Art Rooney II was not in the store when the picture was taken, but this reporter has a hard time believing that Art would defend the appearance of a moron like this. Jenks is just a gold necklace away from the next edition of Ripley’s Believe it or Not. We all know those crazy Yinzers love showing their Stiller pride, but I have a hard time not laughing when I see fans like this. God bless them!

The Associated Press has confirmed that Jesus Christ will open a clothing store in downtown Cleveland early next week. The store, rumored to be called Holy Shit, will be located in the Terminal Tower building and will feature the ever-popular, Jesus Hates the Steelers line of t-shirts. This is Jesus’ first entrepreneurial effort but it is something he has been thinking about for centuries. “I thoroughly enjoy the downtown atmosphere,” he said. “Traveling to other cities and seeing people walk and shop and gather downtown; I wanted to be a part of that in Cleveland — the downtown renewal. And everyone knows I hate the Steelers, as much or more than lepercy, so why not capitalize on that?” Brownieman.net contacted Mayor Jackson’s office for comment. “The importance of retail to the vibrancy of a downtown cannot be underestimated,” he said. “We welcome Mr. Christ with open arms. I even bought one of his shirts myself.” Holy Shit will be open from 11 a.m. to 6 p.m. Monday thru Saturday.