Browns fans that are depressed about the state of the team and are jonesing for a fix can satisfy their appetite with ‘Dollar Heroin Night’ November 16th at Cleveland Browns Stadium, when the Browns play host to the Baltimore Ravens. Spoonfuls of black tar heroin will be $1 all night long, for all fans that are 18 years and older. “Dollar Drug Night is one of our most popular promotions,” said Browns owner Randy Lerner. “We’re featuring heroin this time around, but we intend to offer other drugs later this season – more specifically blow and crank.” Fans can also purchase an “All-You-Can-Eat” ticket for all remaining Browns home games, which includes unlimited hot dogs, popcorn, soft drinks, nacho chips, cheese and salsa. Lerner believes the new concession stand promotions will be a welcome relief for Browns fans and he does not seem at all concerned about the long term effects of the promotion. No doubt it will make the fans feel better, but some community leaders are questioning the judgment of the front office. The team’s physician could not be reached for comment.

In an act of rage, Cleveland Browns owner Randy Lerner severed the team’s Kok on Monday, following Sunday’s predictable loss to the Bears. The severed organ was then escorted to the parking lot by security and has not been seen since. Lerner told the media that he decided to sever the team’s Kok because of its poor performance and the more he spoke about the incident, the more his actions seemed inspired by the 1993 story of Lorena Bobbitt. Mangini, who looked visibly shaken at a recent press conference, would not speak about the details surrounding the incident, but he did say that the Kok was his friend and that he respects the Kok very much. Doctors are unsure if they will be able to reattach the severed organ, and many fans are left wondering is the team’s Mangina will be severed next. No charges have been filed against Lerner.

As expected, Cleveland Browns owner Randy Lerner held a news conference this morning to announce a series of actions designed to address what he is calling “shortfalls” in the organization. The new measures include immediate policy changes such as increased playing time for Brady Quinn, a full psychiatric review of the coaching staff, and the firings of individuals who are determined to be “f*cking morons” following the internal analysis. Most NFL experts think that a minimum of six people will be terminated from their positions as a result. That number could rise to eight or ten, according to an optimistic fan from Chicago, IL. Lerner’s frustration with the team’s performance this season was clear during the 30-minute press conference, but he admitted that it pales in comparison to the frustration of the Browns’ fan base. “I have a happy family and a net worth of 1.5 billion dollars, so I think I am in a better position to handle this kind of season than the average fan is. Most of these people live and breathe Browns football and live on peanuts. I can always drop a few million at a casino or strip club to lift my spirits,” Lerner said, “What the hell are they gonna do – drink themselves to death?” Lerner expects to begin implementing his changes this week.