Cleveland Browns owner Randy Lerner denied a recent report that the he was unaware of the ongoing NFL labor dispute. During a press conference in Berea last week, Lerner admitted that he knows very little about the conversations surrounding the specific issues, but was aware of the work stoppage. “There’s a report circulating that I’m unaware of the current labor situation,” he said on Saturday. “That’s not entirely true. I knew that there weren’t any NFL games being played at the moment, but I thought that was because this is the offseason. I didn’t realize practices were cancelled and what not.” One reporter asked if he had been invited to participate in the negotiation sessions, to which Lerner replied, “Umm….no. I’m pretty sure I would have remembered that. But to be honest with you, I have not been paying much attention. I tend to send Mike (Holmgren) in my place to any and all NFL meetings. I prefer to spend my time counting cash, eating fish and chips, and watching Aston Villa soccer in England.” When asked how long he thought the lockout would last, Lerner asked what a lockout was. “I don’t understand the question,” he said. “Could you elaborate? If you’re looking for a key to something, you should ask maintenance, not me.”

In addition to a new coaching staff and (most likely) a few adjustments to the roster, the Browns unveiled a new logo for the 2011 season; one that is a little more in-line with how the team has been managed over the last twelve years. The new logo was designed by MDB Creative and is a new take on the “dawg” logo introduced in the late 90’s. It has more of a Cleveland feel with the artistic additions of a red nose and crossed eyes, characteristics synonymous with the team’s owner, Randy Lerner.

“I’m thrilled with our new logo and hope the fans feel the same way,” said Cleveland Browns President, Mike Holmgren. “It was essential that it came across with a classic look, and the new additions really capped it off. We’re very excited to have a logo more befitting an organization of this caliber.”
The Browns plan to incorporate the new logo on their website and promotional products in the Spring of 2011. Whether or not it appears on the sides of their famous helmets has yet to be seen. Fan reaction to this announcement has been mostly positive. “I love it! It takes the words right out of my mouth,” said Bob Crossman, 56, from Toledo, OH.

However, not all of the fans are convinced that changes were necessary. On particularly irate fan cursed upper management and said the team, “needs to spend more time preparing for the draft, not drawing cartoon animals.” Cleveland Browns season tickets are available now by calling (888) CLOWNS1. Reserve yours today!

As Eric Mangini packed his shit into boxes, Browns President Mike Holmgren was already looking for his replacement. One day after another losing season, the search was underway in Cleveland for a new coach, the one Holmgren said, “will eventually lead us to a championship.” However, it should be noted that Mike had been sniffing glue just prior to his interview with brownieman.net.

Granted a second season by Holmgren, Mangini was dismissed less than two years after being hired by owner Randy Lerner, who was convinced he had found the next Bill Belichick. But, he too, has an affinity for drugs and spends much of his free time on his private unicorn ranch. The Browns went 5-11 for the second straight season, and although they showed some progress under Mangini, it wasn’t enough to keep his dream job.

During a morning meeting, only hours after an embarrassing 41-9 home loss to Pittsburgh, Holmgren thanked Mangini for his efforts. He then drew Eric a picture that explained his fate, stating that his time was up. “It’s difficult,” Holmgren said. “I’ve never had to do this before, and I’m not exactly a great artist, you know? I’m a football guy. But I think my stick figure is pretty good. He’s skinnier than Eric is, sure, but I think he got the point.” At 10:04 a.m., the Browns released a statement announcing the coaching change. By 11 a.m., Holmgren was sending request forms to NFL teams asking permission to speak with their coaches. He did not reveal names of any potential candidates, but did say that any change would be a good one. “A goddamn orangutan could do better than 5-11,” he said. “The people of Cleveland deserve better.”

Holmgren said his search will not be limited to those with pro experience or ones favoring a West Coast offense. And, he doesn’t have a timetable to name Cleveland’s fifth coach since 1999. Money, he said, is no object – just before taking another whiff of airplane glue.