Ben Roethlisberger has officially turned in his “playah card” and says he is no longer interested in nightclubs or forced sexual encounters with female fans. The Pittsburgh Steeler QB drugged fellow Yinzer Ashley Harlan, a 26-year-old gold-digger, and wed her in a private ceremony in Pittsburgh. Just a little over a year after the 29-year-old quarterback was accused of sexual assault for a second time, a source told brownieman.net that Big Ben had the city’s police at his beck and call to protect his big day. Just in case guns and badges were not enough to keep hecklers away, the two-time Super Bowl winner, who weighs in at 286 pounds, required all guests to present a special slip of paper to gain access to the church and the reception. They were also given wristbands confirming their entry once inside. But it wasn’t the over-the-top security that surprised everyone – it was the slew of Christian music artists who took part in the nuptials. Perhaps it shouldn’t have been a surprise. Roethlisberger has said he and his new spouse did not live together before marriage for “religious reasons”. Besides Roethlisberger’s teammates, the guest list included Michael Vick’s dog sitter, OJ Simpson, & Casey Anthony.

Kathy Danna, a 38-year old accountant from Akron, has decided to give her baby up for adoption because she can’t stomach the idea of raising a child that was fathered by a hillbilly from Western Pennsylvania. The woman discovered she was pregnant just weeks after sleeping with Anthony Gale, 47, who she met at a baseball game in Pittsburgh. To add insult to injury, Danna has been married for over four years and was unsure who the father of her baby was at first. However, an ultrasound on Wednesday confirmed that the baby she is carrying is, in fact, Yinzer offspring. “The doctor showed me the ultrasound and I could see that the baby was holding a terrible towel in its hand,” she said. “I was so upset, I collapsed. My husband Rick has been a Browns fan since he was nine, so I knew Anthony had to be the father. It made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.” Danna went on to say the sexual encounter between her and Mr. Gale was a one-time thing and the result of “being severely intoxicated and making bad decisions”, but she vowed to rectify her mistake by giving her baby up for adoption. At one point during her interview Danna admitted that she briefly considered having an abortion but ultimately decided it was not in-line with her moral compass, further explaining that even Yinzers have a place in god’s world. Although her husband Rick hasn’t forgiven her for her transgressions, she hopes to smooth things over by giving him a pair of Dawg Pound tickets this season. Rick did not immediately return calls for comment, but a friend close to the situation said he’s seriously considering his wife’s offer.

Watch out, Yinzers. That lanky man with the scary orange goggles? He’s got a badge and a gun. And he used to have a reality TV show. If you missed last night’s premiere of Cleveland Vice , you missed one of the best cop shows since – well, COPS. But sadly, the show was cancelled after just one episode. NBC sited “behavioral issues and artistic differences” as the reasons for their decision, but did not elaborate further. Brownie Man has never been known for his sense of right and wrong or an awareness that his cape crusading image is really kinda creepy. When he appeared on The View earlier this month to promote Cleveland Vice, he sat between the hosts, a serene Buddha in a cape and goggles, answering questions from Whoopi and the others with a furrowed brow and deadly seriousness – as though he was being quizzed on the mysteries of human existence. Similarly, on Cleveland Vice, Brownie Man seemed utterly clueless about how he came off. Sitting in the passenger seat of a squad car roaring off to a crime scene, he started giving his partner directions – which were completely ignored. It seemed clear that his partner had been led down a few one-way streets the wrong way by Brownie in the past. He then arrived at a crime scene at which the suspect was already on the ground. Heaving out of the squad car, he ran over and yelled, “I’ll get him! Taser! Taser!” You could hear faint voices in the background saying, “No! No!” The poor suspect was already in the process of being cuffed. NBC said that they will air re-runs of Frasier until a replacement for the show is announced.